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I have a story for you.

“As He was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed was imploring Him that he might accompany Him. And He did not let him, but He *said to him, “Go home to your people and report to them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He had mercy on you.” And he went away and began to proclaim in Decapolis what great things Jesus had done for him; and everyone was amazed.”
Mark 5:18‭-‬20

Here is me reporting the great things the Lord has done for me.
The Lord has richly blessed me to grow up in a large Christian homeschool family where the Bible, the Gospel, and godly principles have been taught to me all my life. I remember coming across an old video of me at age 6 “playing” an original song about the Gospel and being amazed that I knew all the facts I needed for salvation. But, at that age, it hadn’t become real to me, for me. Then when my uncle, who had moved in with us due to ALS, passed away, eternity was very real; and knowing Gospel answers, nearly-8-year-old me knew I was headed to the wrathful lonely fires of hell. One Monday morning I went out and joined my parents in their prayer time. That morning I prayed for the first true time for Jesus Christ to be my Savior and come into my heart. And I knew by the peace and joy that flooded me like never before, He had.
I lived what I would call a “fluffy life,” after that. Jesus was my Savior, like my “get out of hell free card,” but it wasn’t until I was 14 and began reading the Bible daily that I began wanting to live with Christ as Lord.
Just before my 15th birthday, my dad was admitted into the KU Medical Hospital two hours away from home. He had leukemia. My sister, a few weeks later, also found out that she had cancer and due to complications was life-flighted to that same hospital, actually just a few days after my dad’s heart stopped and he was unconscious in ICU! “Trust in the Lord” became our anthem verse. For almost the first time in my life, my faith was being tested. The trustworthiness of God became very dear to me, especially when dealing with things only God could affect. Seeing so many answers to prayer and glimpses of how He was working through all the details was awe-inspiring. During this time, too, He challenged me with a verse, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.” I’d been putting this verse off, saying, “When I’m older, I’ll get there.” But there was the verse and a question grew inside, “Why not today?” So I gave Him, piece by piece, all of me, praying for His help to let Him keep them.
Age 16, things were starting to be back to a new normal. My family was back together at home, I was the Sunday School teacher on Easter that year, I was thrilled to be part of a music team rotation for Sunday morning worship, and I was discovering a growing love for being of service. I was starting to become more of the person I wanted to be for the rest of my life. Yet also growing in me was a “botheration.” Mistakes and social faux pas were starting to become hard to handle. Saying the wrong word, reacting the wrong way, doing the wrong thing, not saying anything, not knowing what to say. So many mistakes. And those scenes would play over and over in my mind, labeling them “failures.” It started out small and I was able to distract myself and move on, sorta. But every failure seemed so big and so detrimental. I became a bully to myself, beating myself up on the inside. Some days my hand’s trembling would be a comfort. I didn’t understand why.
During covid lockdown, many of us, especially my older aged parents, stayed home from everything. This helped cool my botheration– not being in social environments, I couldn’t exponentially add to my list of replayed failures. But even at home, that list did grow.
One evening, laying in my bed, it all felt so heavy. How could God still love me after all my mess ups and when I knew I could never be flawless? Wouldn’t He give up? The only solace I had was that my family still loved me and at least I had that going for me.
I flipped open my Bible, hoping for something to cling to. God gave me Ephesians. A wonderful, wonderful book. In it, chapter 5 verses 25 through 32, it describes marriage with the picture of Jesus and the Church.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”
What struck me from these that night is how it not only describes marriage with the picture of Jesus and the Church, but also describes Jesus and the Church with the picture of marriage. My parents and so many other couples are beautiful pictures of marriage, and I could grasp that picture. Then it clicked.
I had almost believed that my human family could love me more than God. I had almost believed that I would get more grace from them than from Jesus. Really I had almost believed that Jesus’ death was enough for my sins, but not my mistakes, and I couldn’t be restored fully to the Father, and soon He would give up on me.
But then there was the picture of a marriage. When a spouse puts the dishes away in the wrong spot, it would be ridiculous for the other spouse to say, “Aah, the silverware is in the wrong drawer. It’s over between us! I want a divorce!” No, that would be silly. That is a really small issue. Instead there will be grace and the spouse will probably say, “Hey, sweetie, the spoons actually don’t go in the fork slot. Let me show you.” It would be silly or extremely sad if the spouse who was doing the dishes was constantly fearful of ending the marriage by where they put away the dishes. Instead that spouse, knowing their spouse has grace and love for them if they mess up, would do the dishes with peace of mind. Families display gracious love to one another in everyday settings.
How much more so with God! That day God let the Gospel of His grace truly click. I will not experience more love from those powered by God’s love than what I will experience straight from the Source. God’s grace is sufficient for everyone, me included.
That changed everything. I began wanting to fight this wrestle in my mind, the mind I had given over to God at age 14. I had to forgive myself with the grace given to me in forgiveness from God. It was hard. I remember one day looking in the mirror and thinking, “I have no love in my heart for the girl I see. All I see is her mistakes.” And that made me really sad because God handmade this daughter and cherishes her. So I began praying for myself in 3rd person, that Janelle would have victory through Jesus over the enemy’s reminders of failures that she can’t shut off on her own and that she would grow in a love for Jesus that shakes her future for His glory. That prayer taught me loads about how to truly love people, to truly care about their success in Christ, and, knowing what’s going on, to plead on their behalf for freedom and God’s grace to prevail in their lives. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I suppose we’ve got to start by loving ourselves as a person redeemed and beloved by Christ before going out and loving the world.
Still in the mind battle with failures, I followed God’s leading to my current workplace. There were definitely a lot more areas to fail and my failures affected loads more people. The newness of it all and discovering what my character was outside of the home was distracting from the battle at first; but my second summer settled in and the battle hit a climax.
I was through being a bully to myself. I had turned around and was on Janelle’s team for success. But failures still bothered me. That summer, everyday, I heard a voice in my head that knew two words and a lot of memories. “Stupid girl,” it accused. Everyday. Everytime I dropped something, messed up an order, honestly forgot about a customer I kept waiting, tried to make quick decisions that wasted more time. Those words. Everyday.
It wasn’t me being a bully to myself anymore, though. It was something bigger, that I couldn’t control. I needed help, but the voice said, “No, this is small enough. You can handle it yourself.” And I felt alone.
My hand trembling, so rare when I was 16, became more frequent. In fact, it was infrequent that my hand was found still. Walking around at work sometimes, all I wanted to do was scream, and when I got out to my car alone I did scream. I desperately tried to hide it and busy myself in my work. The daily challenges that everyone else seemed to breeze through made me clock out for the day wanting to quit.
But the kindness and faithful work of God was evident; those days ended with some small blessing that kept me going– affirmation from my coworkers or the peaceful loving family I got to come home to or a nice comment from a customer or even a poignant song on the radio driving home. Some people said, “Janelle, you have such a calming presence.” I had to laugh and turn the praise over to God. Nothing coming out of me that summer could’ve been calm. Only what was channeled through from God.
I’d finally had it. I couldn’t go another week with the voice in my head. Driving home from church with my sister, thinking about what had been brought up in the sermon and my struggles fresh in my mind, I softly blurted, “My hand trembles when I beat myself up inside…. And I beat myself up a lot.” That week at Bible Study with my mom, sister, and women from church, I told them everything.
“You know that’s not true, right?” One godly woman looked me in the tearful eyes, “No one here thinks that of you. And God certainly doesn’t either. That voice is not from Him. That’s the enemy.” They prayed for me that night. Then the rest of the week, sweet victory! Drowning out the voice, Christian songs flooded my head in times of mistakes, reminding me of God’s compassionate character and my longing to be like Him.
I got to share my testimony– full version like never before– with my campus church group and began feeling known. And free. I wasn’t alone anymore. God was with me. I was on His side. And His side has a community called the Church. And the love and acceptance– even when admitting failure, which seems opposite of what it should be– that I receive from these true Christians reflects what I have received and am receiving from the Father.
The accusation of those two words from the voice echoed on into the fall and I began to doubt I could pursue any more academic learning or step out in big ways or even retain any future product knowledge at my job. Then I started reading a 31 chapter book on wisdom, written by the wisest man who ever lived. It’s called Proverbs. There’s a lot about seeking wisdom in it. I knew the voice was wrong to call me unsmart; the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Proverbs also talks about crying for wisdom in your seeking of it. I remembered the tears that came from the voice seemingly speaking the truth of my unsmartness, but also remembered the verse in James that says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach.” So I asked, in faith; and I believe God has answered. With joy, I realized Him growing my wit and discernment.
I don’t know what God will have for my future. I’ve not known for a long time, with various degrees of fretting. But I do know that I’m walking in freedom now. The voice is gone. I’m facing failures, armed and loaded with the grace of God sufficient for me. And walking in this freedom makes me more ready for whatever God has planned.
Matthew 12:43-45 says, “Now when the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came’; and when it comes, it finds it unoccupied, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and takes along with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first. That is the way it will also be with this evil generation.”
My aim is to not be found unoccupied, but that the Lord will find open doors for Him to come abide, in every room. No room left for the unwelcome enemy. This house is the Lord’s. Bought with a price, I am loved, I am His, and I am free.
And I wanted you to know.
Thanks for reading!

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