Faith Kindred

In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-concealed truth that will threaten his life.”

There is something not quite right with this. I like the last line about the long-concealed truth, but something doesn’t quite flow right with the sentence as a w…[Read more]

@daeus
Whoops! I was thinking of it as Matthew taking on the character Edwin Brook like Matthew fighting him or something. 🙂 LOL Now that you rewrote it, it does make sense. Nice work. I like the new and improved version. 😉 🙂 😉

@Daeus yes, I love it. I obviously know the story, which may or may not mess up my perspective, but it’s strong to me and makes me want to pick it up and read it… lots of questions.

Alright. Hopefully we’re good now. Can you find any way to improve it? Does it attract you? (why or why not?)

@leumeister @emma-flournoy @hope @kate-flournoy @perfectfifths @faithdk @jess @his-instrument @writefury @gretald @ingridrd @sarah-h @the-bean @mark-kamibaya @warrioroftherealm @hannah-c @ivy-rose @ethryndal @dragon-snapper @anne-swiftbla…[Read more]

@Daeus yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@Daues yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@ingridrd Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?

@ingrid Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?

@Daeus
I like the changes you made regarding the sentence structure that @kate-flournoy mentioned. Nice job. One other thing I noticed.

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook. His wealth and power make his success almost certain, but strange events keep thwarting his every move.

I think…[Read more]

@perfectfifths Tags. Yes, so they’re best for getting somebody’s attention who isn’t on here very often, getting someone’s attention if a question is time sensitive, or making sure a list of people see your post.

Okey dokey. So whatcha think of this?

“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny…[Read more]

I’d rate it at a 7 or 8. A few corrections:

but strange events keep thwarting his every move

The ‘keep thwarting’ is passive. It would be stronger if you change it to thwarts.

And, as some of the others mentioned, I’d switch out one of the ‘events’ for a diffrent word.

and even his own life is put at stake.

There’s nothing wrong with…[Read more]

Mmmm… yes. I like this. Not really much to attack… the one thing that jumped out at me as needing some work was you used this sentence structure:

Something something something, some resulting something something something result.

a lot. With the comma after the first few set-up words, then a tacked-on resulting thought. There’s nothing…[Read more]

Ohhhhhh… yikes. Well. Yes. That would definitely put a damper on your chances of attendance. 😛

@PerfectFifths

Well, alright.

@Daeus actually I have to go. Good luck.

Well, you never asked. 😛 I actually have to go to bed at ten so it’s more like 9:45, but close enough. Company is welcome.