[Cahndida Serkhaman]

I would change some things…

The first verse… not sure what to suggest, but it sounds a little off from the rest of the poem. “And made Him so mad” is a huge understatement, which might work fine for this poem, but this line could be a lot stronger.
“Some seven of, some two” would sound better written as “Some of seven, some of two.”
“He opened the door” and “Guess what they saw” don’t really rhyme. Not sure if that matters or not. 😉 But I recommend changing the wording a bit here.
Backing up… “From cattle to quails” can be changed to “From cattle to quail.” I think it rings better that way, and quail can be plural or singular, but my first reaction was to think “quails” sounded strange. 😛 Maybe it’s just me.
Hope this helps!

Good job. I like it. 🙂

[Cahndida Serkhaman]

😀
So how should I use this forum? Do you all use it to ask for critiques or ideas or what? 🙂

[Cahndida Serkhaman]

Greetings 😀

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Cahndida Serkhaman.

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