Life Through the Eye of Yesterdays – A Short Story

                          By Nathan Lemmon

Day 29,220

             If I could even take back one choice… failure… sinner… coward… wretch… If I could have only changed… changed… only changed…

             Footsteps echoed in the hallway. A nurse walked in. No words were uttered, she simply came in to grab something on my table, then left.

             Just one choice…

             I lay motionless, unchanging, static, trapped in the body of a stone creature I sculpted. I was able to speak yesterday. Charles, my son, tried to talk to me, but I refused to respond.

             “Please Father, it’s been over thirty-eight years…” he pointed out, it was nearly thirty-nine actually, the day before my eightieth birthday. Why should I talk to him, I had thought. Eventually, he left. This morning I learned there was a crash. I never learned, and now I can’t take it back. I couldn’t even say the words ‘I’m sorry’, even if he was here.

             My chest rose and fell slower and slower like gentle lapping waves pulled away in a low tide, but the sand was being tossed and turned with it, the grains painfully crushing and grinding against one another until they were dissolved completely.

             I felt myself dissolving, fading, no one cared, just as they shouldn’t.

             One long, final, mournful breath came.

             If I could have only changed… only changed that one yesterday…

Day 29,219

             Pulsing… breathing… light… … … Am I dead?

             “Good morning Mister Cal, I hope you’ve slept well. Your son will be coming in to see you this afternoon ok. Are you ready for your check-up?” The nurse asked, already going through some procedures.

             I blinked. My son… seeing me this afternoon… but... “Yes… I’m ready” I said, confused… Wait, I can talk again?

             Didn’t this already happen? Did I die? Deja vu?

             The nurse went through the check-up, then left. The day went like they typically do, empty with little variation. I quickly decided that the whole previous day was a strange dream, or some hallucination. When my son left, I had fallen asleep, and had a terrible dream that night of losing him and losing myself to death’s embrace. 

             A crash sounded from the hall. Of course, no one told me what happened. Wait, didn’t a crash like that happen yesterday before Charles came in?

             Coincidence.

             The day continued, paranoia began to swell. I managed to keep shoving it down until Charles walked in.

             “Hi Dad…” He said. He’s alive… “Can we… can we just talk for once?” A tear escaped my eye, he really is ok. He walked over to my bedside. “Please Father, it’s been over thirty-eight years…” A spike of anger triggered inside me. Why should I talk to him? Wait, didn’t this already happen?

             “Didn’t we already go through this yesterday?” I mumbled to myself. It’s not unbelievable that he would repeat himself, right?

             “Yesterday? The last time I was here was Monday when you first were brought in. You were asleep…” He said, confused. “Are you ok? I’m going to talk to the doctor.” He quickly turned to leave. 

             “Charles!” I cried. I need to talk to him! He turned back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

             He looked straight at me, disbelief shown on his face. “... You never came to see your grandchildren… you ignored all my calls… you refused to even look at me at Mom’s funeral. The only face I’ve seen on my father if you even acknowledged me was a face of disappointment. How could I believe an apology to be sincere from such a man.”

             The sudden outburst left me dumbfounded, but it was all true. “I won’t ask you to believe… I just…” I fell silent.

             Charles blinked away some tears, and left, again…

Day 29,218

             The next day still seemed to be a continual sense of Deja vu. I lay alone, occasionally hearing a pen drop, a call from the hallway, a nurse running by. All typical things in a hospital, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d experienced those exact moments already.

             “What day is it?” I eventually gave in to asking a nurse.

             “It’s Wednesday, Mister Cal.” The nurse replied.

             “What? Surely it’s Sunday?”

             “You came in on Sunday, Mister Cal, it’s been a few days since then.”

             “No, no, I mean next Sunday, it’s been a week.”

             “I’m afraid not, Mister Cal, only half that time has passed.”

             “But what about when Charles came in yesterday? Wasn’t that Thursday?”

             “... Mister Cal, your son hasn’t been here since Monday, though I believe that he called to say he would be coming in tomorrow.” She gave me a look, “Mister Cal, are you feeling ok?”

             “... I’m fine, I, uhh, simply got a little confused.” What is happening to me? She nodded, and walked away, leaving me much more than a “little confused.”

Day 29,215

             I woke up in my bed… my bed? The past few days I had simply tried to convince myself that I was just crazy, hallucinating, or forgetful. I’m in my own house…

             I got up and stood. I can stand again. 

             I immediately began to cough wildly and fell on my knees. It’s happening again.

             I recovered, went into my kitchen, and checked the calendar.

             Sunday, the 10th of august 2023

             Impossible… My mind raced, searching for any remaining idea in my head that hadn’t already welted before what I was experiencing. I felt as if the cogs in my head meshed together incorrectly, causing the whole system to jam.

             I sat down, and said the truth I’ve been avoiding for the past four days… “I’m reliving every yesterday…”

Day 28,855

             I’ve… adjusted. I’ve come to terms with what has happened a year ahead, I suppose that’s the most correct language for something so unique. How and why this is happening is still beyond me, but does it matter?

             I soon realized that living a life backward means a life without consequences. Any choices I’ve made today, won’t be remembered by those of yesterday. Though I don’t really know what to do with this power being mentally eighty-one, and physically seventy-one today, I know I would likely start taking advantage in my latter… earlier years. There are so many experiences I can go back to… redo so many mistakes.

             I pulled my phone out and listened to Charles' last voice message, connected to the number I had deleted on this exact day, the 15th of August, 2022. I did not repeat that choice, instead simply looking at that string of digits, as my son's voice sounded. ‘... Uh, hi dad… I… uh… happy birthday… I just wanted to say… Well, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry about Mom. We didn’t get a chance to talk at the funeral, and… I just wanted you to know that. And… I just thought I’d mention that Rayla’s pregnant again, so you have a 3rd grandchild coming. Remember when mom always said how she wanted 3 kids, but then we… well, goodbye.’

             I played the message again… and again… and again. What if I called back? I played with the idea, but I couldn’t come to press the button, letting another day slip away to tomorrow, the one place I can’t go back to…

Day 28,836

             Silvy is dead. It was strange that this only came to me now. In my perspective, she’s been dead for over 2 years. To everyone else, it happened last week. Do I really need to relive that? Do I even attend the funeral today? Thoughts of seeing Charles again gave me mixed feelings. What do I even say?

             I need to fix this. I got ready and ran for the door.

***

             I made it to the funeral home, stepping up to the entrance. I looked in the window, and saw Charles right there, sitting with a beautiful young woman, and two little children. I could meet my grandchildren…

             Fear struck me. I don’t even know their names… I suddenly became ashamed, and walked away…

Day 28,830

             I woke up with a woman I’d known for a long time, lying beside me. She was frail, white-haired, and coughing. Did I ever truly love you Silvy? I thought. Is she even real? Silvy died years ago to me now? Could I have died a long time ago, and this is simply what is experienced in the afterlife? How could I know?

             “I’m sorry…” She breathed.

             “Don’t be.” I found myself saying, remembering this very event, and what would happen.

             “... I wish we could have fixed things. It was never the same after Charlie left. I wish you could have mended things with him, but I should never have stopped loving you. Please, find our son, please tell him how much I love him…”

             “I will.”

             “... … …” 

             And she was gone… I began to cry. I didn’t cry last time, but I did now. Yes, I did always love her. It was strange, I knew that I would see her yesterday, alive, living, breathing, unlike last time, but I just couldn’t stop myself…

             I stayed awake that night, trying to break free of this painful memory tunnel I was in. I didn’t dare fall asleep. I felt a sudden forcefulness upon my mind, until I passed out… only to wake up another day laying next to a woman I’ve known for a long time…

Day 23,077

             So much of my life has come back to me so quickly. I tried breaking free again for a few years. Trying to stay awake, leave the country, and even end my life, but the result remains the same. I wake up the day before.

             What is the purpose of it all? I rarely thought about the existential questions during my life in a normal, forward timeline. Why am I here, where did I come from, where am I going… those were questions for fanatics; religious people making things up to feel comfortable in life. I no longer had the luxury to believe in that line of thought. I now know where I was going, or at least part of where I’m going. Life was not as I saw it, and it likely isn’t as I see it now. What happens when I'm fully unaged? Is that the real death?

             I’ve attempted to research if this has happened to anyone else. I’ve found nothing helpful. It made sense after I thought about it long enough. If someone else was really experiencing time backward, they wouldn’t really be able to tell anyone before everything they said faded into tomorrow, creating a completely different timeline that may not even exist. If that’s how time works at least, I’ve lost all trust in my perceptions.

             God, are you there? Is there something out there, some being, beings, some force where all answers lie? All I could think of was this surreal life I now lived, a second chance.

             After coming to accept it all again, I’ve lived with Silvy for the past decade and a half. I’ve tried to be more good to her ever since I saw her die the second time. Each day I would recognize how terribly I’ve treated her. It was visible in the way she spoke, the way she walked, the hopelessness in her eyes, but each day, I would try to show her my love. Often, she only seemed surprised, but still unhappy. Any progress I made would only be erased, for no such progress was made the day before…

Day 18,313

             “We’re… grandparents…” Silvy said, looking at her phone, eyes wide. She looked at me. “We’re grandparents! Please, we have to go visit Charlie in the hospital fast! What about Saturday? You're not doing anything then, right?” She pleaded.

             I remember this day, when I said no, breaking her heart, that’s why she was so quiet the next few weeks, more so than was normal.

             I stared at her sincere look for a long moment. I don’t have Saturday… It dawned on me very suddenly, this was the very last chance I would ever have to meet even one of my grandchildren… “We'll be there today.” I finally said. Her eyes widened, tears welling up. She embraced me for a moment I wished really could last forever.

***

             We made it to the hospital, after some time convincing, and getting permission from our son and daughter-in-law, Silvy and I made it to the room. She walked straight in. I waited outside. I can’t face him… 

             Charles walked out. It was an awkward moment. Neither of us spoke for a long while.

             “... Do… you want to see her?” He finally asked. I couldn’t speak. My son stood before me, as the strong young man I never saw him to be, he looked… happy, though probably not because of me.

             “...Yes…” I whispered. “Yes… I want to see my granddaughter.”

             He nodded, leading me in, and there she was. Her grandmother held her, swaddled in a blanket. Silvy stood up, walking over.

             “You want to hold Lucy?” she asked. A smile on her face, something I haven’t seen for a long time.

             I noticed Charles stepping up, but his wife stopped him, tugging his hand back. With great reluctance, I accepted, taking the child into my arms. Lucy… Something within me broke at that moment, seeing the child sleep peacefully. I wept. Silvy quickly took her back. I had to walk outside again. A few minutes later, Charles came back out too, and for the first time in a long while, I talked to my son, and we talked. Indeed, for a long while.

Day 15,039

              I lived a life more devoted to my wife in all the days since I saw Lucy. She gradually started to seem more happy, each time I embraced her, and told her I loved her. 

             When the day came that I had kicked Charles out, I wasn’t sure what to do. Would Lucy exist if I let him stay? I could never know, but eventually, I let him decide. He left, but this time, he left with love.

             “Goodbye Charlie, and don’t let go of  Rayla, that girl I know you're thinking about, understood.”

             His eyes widened, and his cheeks turned red. He nodded “... Yes… sir.”

             I couldn’t know where he would go after that, I likely changed his course of life completely. I reminded myself that I couldn’t even know if any of this was real in the first place, but for the moment, I set that aside. Either way, I would love that boy in all the coming yesterdays.

Day 0

             I have taken back so many choices, have I changed?

             I lived far more happily with my wife and son. I relived Charles’ birth, and I relived my wedding, both reformed into fond memories. All my years after that felt trivial by comparison. I just hope that I did better this time.

             I lay motionless, unchanging, static, protected in the body of someone who has guided me through so many tomorrows. 

             My body rocked back and forth slowly like gentle lapping waves.

             I felt myself rising, peacefully fading from the now.

             One long, final, happy thought came.

             I have changed… changed by living life through the eye of yesterdays…