KP Critiques – 16

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our sixteenth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!
So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!  

Thank you Maria for this submission!

Lia clutched her small purse to her chest as she slowly counted out her available change.  Only $3.14, that was all.  She sighed and squeezed her eyelids shut in an attempt to push away the feeling of despair that slowly descended on her small frame.  Lia gave herself a shake and tossed her light brown curls over her shoulder.  Get a hold of yourself Lia, she told herself, Things could be worse you know, remember, be grateful for what you’re given.   Depositing her small

This is the third time in this paragraph that you have used the word small to describe things. I grasp the point of her feeling small, but using other words would work just as well and be as effective.

wealth back into her cheap purple clasp purse, Lia tugged her light jacket further up on her shoulders and walked over to the bike rack.

 I like  the little details. Gives a better sense of how she views herself and her possessions.

Even though it was a bit shabby, Lia treasured the old bike that her father had passed down to her.  It seemed like a little piece of him that she could hold on too.  There wasn’t much Lia could hold onto nowadays.  Lia strapped her backpack to the handles and swang swung her leg over the bike before unlocked it from the stand.

Either put in the word she or write it as ‘unlocking’  

Pushing off, she began to cruise down the crowded sidewalk quickly turning with relief into the less crowded bicycle lane.  She took a moment off from her pressing troubles to again be amazed by the beauty and awe of the vast city and reflect on it’s its meaning.  Even though the city boasted well over 6 million occupants, Lia had always felt that it had a certain lonely sense to it.  Sometimes when she was biking home just like now it seemed to her that no one in this large city ever cared about anything, as if they were all just zombies or machines.  Full of emptiness.  There you go again, thinking depressing thoughts.  And now you’re talking to yourself.  Great, just great.   Lia sighed for what felt like the hundredth time in that last hour.  Everything’s just so melodramatic.  Almost like it’s staged.  And I guess I’m Cinderella.   Lia felt a smile creep across her face at that last reference, she wasn’t much of a one for fairy tales, but at least they were happy thoughts.  She could definitely use more of those.

I like how she talks to herself. Makes her seem like a real-life person.

A bright burger joint wedged in between two taller shops attracted Lia’s attention.  From what she could tell looking through the wide stained windows the restaurant seemed fairly vacant, and hopefully cheap.  That was just what she needed right now.  Lia looked for a bike rack and found one placed conveniently just across the street.  She parked it quickly, grabbed her pack and then waited for the little white man to appear to tell her it was safe to cross.

I’m of the mindset that it’s fine to use adverbs, but being picky when it comes to using them. Quickly is a weak adverb and doesn’t give us much description. Almost like a blanket statement of what she just did. Does she have a certain way of parking it?  

Walking up the way towards her chosen restaurant Lia got a chance to see the sun’s last beams of light slowly  make their way down the expanse of the sky.

Weak verb alert.

Such vivid colors.  Lia was reminded of chair she used to have, it looked almost like someone had swallowed a rainbow and then thrown up all over it.

What an interesting way of describing something. It’s excellent!

Her mother had called it ugly, but to Lia it is wonderful.

You switched from a passive tense to present. Be careful of that.

She always felt encouraged when she saw it there, standing in the corner of her room, bright and dependable.  Yet, like everything else she had ever loved, it had eventually been taken away from her and all she had now was memories.  The sun finished it’s its descent and Lia entered the joint.

Interesting. I’m curious now as to why she has nothing left but memories. I’m not sure if this is the beginning paragraph of something, but you  might place that little nugget of information at the beginning. It piques interest more than mentioning she has three dollars left.

I like how you contrasted the lonely city and her depressed thoughts to her love of colors. I noticed a pattern of slipping in info that distracted us from the present. It’s not unacceptable, but you might not want to do that often because it can get old after awhile.
As I said before, be careful of which adverbs you choose to use in your writing. Most of the adverbs displayed in this passage were weak. That’s what you want to stay away from. Powerful adverbs are key. 🙂 
Great job! You captured my interest. Keep it up!

~Haley Long