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@savannah_grace200
Ummmm I was the one who keeps getting your story COMPLETELY WRONG!!! Sorry again…….I feel soooo bad 😔😔
Don’t feel bad! It means I have a few things to make clearer. I won’t be around to correct every reader. lol.
(AND Aaron acts older than Turin XD)
Aaron is more mature then Turin.
I think I’d just like to see more of Aaron’s flaws whether or not it’s his temper 😂😂
Oh, you will…….
Did you read the newest section? If so, I’ll post another.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
ack! i messed up your tag. two messages above for you!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Okay, after reading this through again, I don’t think I’m the best person to give you critiques on this book.
You see, I’m really experienced in fantasy and sci fi (and half the time I don’t even know what I’m doing XD)
And a book like yours isn’t something that I’d probably pick up on my own.
In no way is this because of the book itself…it’s just that we have different styles and I wouldn’t really be interested in reading this book in real life…only because its not my favorite genre.
I just feel like I won’t be much help to you if I keep trying to give you advice, just cuz I’m not confident enough that I could give you the help you need. I would still be happy to help out if you need it, but I don’t think I’m the best helper, at least for this particular story. Find a writer who writes this kind of story and get her help!!
I only want what’s best for you and I don’t think that my critiques on this book are what you need 🤣🤣🤣 fors that make sense? I still want to read it so keep tagging me! I just don’t know if I’m qualified to give you ADVICE. XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333You might not be able to give me world advice, but certainly you can help with other things, like if a paragraph just doesn’t make sense, or a character is going out of their personality, etc.
Plus, what I mostly need right now is to see how readers respond to the story itself. ya know.
I’ll send the next scene if you’re ready!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@savannah_grace2009 @ellette-giselle
Stepping in here about your conversation about the character’s ages. I do imagine Aaron as around 18 years of age. Similar to you, Ellette, in my church 18-year-olds do get married and do show maturity. There is one who Aaron kind of reminds me of who is a year younger than me, being 20 years old, but I feel more like he is 26 or older. People are often surprised by his maturity. I don’t know him super well, but I feel like Aaron would have a similar level of maturity to him.
However, this gentleman does have a goofy side to him as well. He may leap over a fire pit, or backflip off of a sign. There are some jokes that the reason his wife married him so quickly was because the poor guy needed someone to look after him.
I have seen a little bit of this in Aaron when he did a handstand on the border, and this is the other reason Aaron reminds me of this person. As Sara said, while he may be mature for his age, there could still be some traces of immaturity in him. Maybe add in the occasional moment where he goofs off a bit. Maybe he won’t do anything that seems stupid, but have him do more things like his handstand every once in a while. Unless I missed something, this side of his personality has kind of disappeared since he met Turin.
Okay…I’m so sorry…I’m not the best at critiqueing 😣😭😭😭😭Actually I’m horrible at it but oh well – Sara
Not true. at all. I’m the one who’s terrible at it!! lol. You’re great!!! – Ellette
You know, to be honest, I get this feeling too when I critique. I think we are all figuring this out for ourselves. What makes a good story? What makes good characters? When I critique, I sometimes sit here cringing. wondering if I misunderstood things (and sometimes I do) or am being too negative. I feel like I have no idea what I am talking about, especially when critiquing a book that is different from what I would write. However, I do not think we should let that discourage us from critiquing. I do like it when people give me all of their thoughts, even the misunderstandings. If is is all negative feedback, give it to me. As you were saying, Ellette, mine and Sara’s misunderstandings are helping you to determine what readers might get mixed up about. My sister actually did this to me yesterday, asking me to clarify something in my book that I thought was perfectly clear, and I’m glad she did. We can figure all this writing stuff out together, and in turn, we will help each other to write better books that are glorifying to God!
Now, here is my feedback on your most recent sections, Ellette. I like where things are going with Turin. I understand his discouragement at not being a spiritual leader like the others. Sometimes I get frustrated like this as well, looking at other guys my age and seeing that they are more capable of some things than I am. I hope in the parts to come, there will still be moments of frustration from Turin as he learns to fight his temper and is not able to be a leader like Aaron. Also, thank you for the updated illustration. I will try to imagine Turin like this for now on (no promises, sorry).
There is one who Aaron kind of reminds me of who is a year younger than me, being 20 years old
Wait, you’re twenty? Or did I just completely misunderstand that.
Unless I missed something, this side of his personality has kind of disappeared since he met Turin.
I certainly will keep that in mind. I feel like none of the situations had room for that since Aaron was literally playing with death for those first several weeks. Now that he’s been accepted I’ll keep an eye out fir a few more opportunities.
Similar to you, Ellette, in my church 18-year-olds do get married and do show maturity.
I’m glad that makes sense. I tell some people that and they’re like, “wait, you guys get married as kids!” I’m about to be 18 and it seems like most people expect me to be goofing off, not studying the Bible to see what a godly wife must be. lol.
We can figure all this writing stuff out together, and in turn, we will help each other to write better books that are glorifying to God!
Exactly!! 100%
I like where things are going with Turin. I understand his discouragement at not being a spiritual leader like the others. Sometimes I get frustrated like this as well, looking at other guys my age and seeing that they are more capable of some things than I am. I hope in the parts to come, there will still be moments of frustration from Turin as he learns to fight his temper and is not able to be a leader like Aaron.
Wonderful, and thank you so much for the feedback!!
I will try to imagine Turin like this for now on (no promises, sorry).
Lol, it’s okay if you don’t. Just try……
Ok, I’ll go find the next section!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Wait, you’re twenty? Or did I just completely misunderstand that.
I’m 21. The other guy is 20.
Thanks, that makes me feel a little better 🙃😁😅😄
I’m 21. The other guy is 20
Ohhh that explains why your writing’s so good!!!! It all makes sense now!!! lol
I’m only 14…and it makes me mad when my writing’s not as good as older writers’…but then I have to slow down and remember that I’m doing good for the age I’m at and I have plenty of time to get better!!!
Sorry for hijacking the conversation XD XD
@ellette-giselle @linusI’ll TRY to imagine your characters how they are XD even if it’s hard.
Oh yes, and what Linus said about Aaron goofing off and doing the handstand on the border is what I mean about showing a LITTLE immaturity. If you make him a little…idk, funnier and give his personality more color, it will make him seem way more interesting! I want to see his interests, his heartaches, what’s important to him, the parts of himself he never shares with anyone, the REAL Aaron. I want to know what makes him cry, what makes him laugh, smile, and I want to see him being more goofy and funny like the handstand!!!
Even though they were expected to act more mature, it doesn’t change the fact that they are still 18 and not adults yet, and therefore can’t be mature ALL the time…let them make mistakes, let them constantly be learning and growing and let them do silly goofy stuff!!!
But also…about 18 year olds getting married, I don’t really think that that’s a great sign of maturity…
Because most of the time it doesn’t last when you get married young cuz your brain doesn’t fully develop until you’re 26…so you just gotta be careful when you get married at that age. A lot can change when you’re growing up! Not to say that those people are wrong…if that’s God’s person for you then by all means get married at 18! But people I talked to said that looking back, they wished they waited.
In no way am I criticizing people that get married young, because if God calls them to do that then that’s great!!!
Hopefully that made sense!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’m 21. The other guy is 20.
NO WONDER!! I’ve been thinking “how is he so good with his critiques!!”
Oh yes, and what Linus said about Aaron goofing off and doing the handstand on the border is what I mean about showing a LITTLE immaturity. If you make him a little…idk, funnier and give his personality more color, it will make him seem way more interesting! I want to see his interests, his heartaches, what’s important to him, the parts of himself he never shares with anyone, the REAL Aaron. I want to know what makes him cry, what makes him laugh, smile, and I want to see him being more goofy and funny like the handstand!!!
Sooo, I’ll have to see what you think, but I’ve been told by my beta readers that the first half of the book is about the situation Aaron is in, and the second half is about HIM personally. The first half sets the stage, the second half goes deep into the character. so, You’ll have to tell me what you think.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@linus-smallprint @savannah_grace2009
sorry this took a minute! KP ate it and I only now just realized that it didn’t send. 🙁
The days passed, and Turin, Noah, Aaron, Darrien and the others continued to tell all they met of Christ’s love and sacrifice. Many did not want to listen, saying there was too much going on to consider such things. They all claimed that they were perfectly safe in the capital, but busy, and that maybe when things calmed down they would consider it.
This frustrated and worried the young men. They knew that the people were being foolish, but there seemed no way to reach them.
Then came the day when the enemy was sighted.
Soon an army began to encircle the capital, and soldiers watched from the battlements as the fires multiplied in the night. The next morning the ground was covered with enemy soldiers, tents, and fires. For a long, anxious day, the soldiers, men, and boys watched from the battlements or hung around the walls, unsure of what to do. The prince and his officers watched from one of the towers, but they gave no orders.
The day dragged on, and by afternoon the soldiers and volunteers were nervous and on edge. However, as the day passed, their dread began to away as no sign of movement was seen in the enemy camp.
Darkness fell, and the volunteers were sent home, as well as many of the soldiers. They were ordered to stay on the lookout and be ready if they were summoned.
Aaron, Noah, Turin and Darrien walked along the narrow streets worriedly. They entered the building where their village was housed, and Aaron gathered everyone to have a time of prayer. Afterwords, they turned in for the night.
After several hours of being started by nothing, Aaron finally drifted into an uneasy sleep, but he had the feeling something was wrong, though he couldn’t decide what.
It was late in the night when a loud crash and screams woke the young men. \Aaron scrambled up, groping for his sword.
“What was that?” cried Noah.
“Hurry!” shouted Turin. They scrambled into the hall, which was choked with the village men and their boys. Turin fought his way through the crowd, yelling at them to follow him. At last they scrambled out of the building into the street.
Aaron looked left and right, trying to discover the source of the commotion. “This way!” shouted Turin, and he took off at a dead run.
People were looking out of doors and windows and men and boys were flooding the streets, strapping on swords and clutching bows.
Turin led the way with Aaron, Darrien, and Noah hot on his heels. They raced down the alleyways, their boots thudding on the cobblestones. Several soldiers were in the streets, trying to organize the defenders into a fighting force. Figures scrambled this way and that in the dark, and torches flared up.
Aaron and his friends arrived at the walls in time to see the roof of a building shattered into splinters. Aaron raised his arms over his head and Noah and Darrien ducked, but Turin charged straight on. The other three followed, dodging ruins and the wounded and dead. Turin took the steps to the top of the walls three at a time and the others followed. When they reached the battlements, they were met by complete chaos.
Defenders were cowering behind the palisade with shields over their heads, or were fleeing for the stairs. They shoved one another, tripped over the wounded, and dropped weapons to the ground. A few of the soldiers tried to regain order, but most fled or crouched down out of sight.
Turin’s eyes flashed as he took in the seen. Two teens scrambled for the stairs beside him, but Turin shoved them back. “Fight like men!” he yelled at them. Turin snatched a bow from one of the arches cowering behind the wall. Yanking an arrow from his quiver, he took aim and fired into the enemy ranks below. Turin leapt up upon the breastwork. “Turin! Get down!” yelled Aaron, but the young man payed no heed.
Silhouetted by the firelight, Turin threw down the bow and drew his sword. Raising the blade over his head he yelled, “This is our city! Our Country! Our people are behind these walls! Act like men and defend your last city!”
Some looked up, and Turin took charge. “Archers, along the wall, two men deep. First line fire, then drop to one knee and reload while second line fires. You have done this a thousand times! Now it’s the real thing! Aim well! Take out whoever is firing the catapults! Air for the torchbearers!
As the archers assembled, Turin looked down into the enemy ranks. Firelight lit up everything, and he could see several war machines launching missiles over the walls to crash into the buildings beyond. Turin spun on a soldier who was crouched beside him. “Do we have any defense weapons?”
“Trebuchets and ballistas,” replied the man.
“Get them working and give then enemy a taste of what’s coming to them,” growled Turin. He yanked the man to his feet and shoved him along the walls.
“Go now!”Soon the machines were ready and teams began firing them at the enemy siege weapons. Turin, Aaron, Darrien, and Noah worked among them, and Aaron was convinced of what he had thought all along–– Turin was a born warrior. He was almost wild in his ferocity as he defended the last city of his country. As Turin stormed up and down along the breastwork, the men took courage. Seeing a simple villager standing so boldly in front of the enemy lifted their spirits and they began to fight.
The struggle lasted long into the night, but a few hours before dawn it immediately ceased. All the torches in the enemy camp went out, and the night became still and silent. Panting for breath and bracing for a trap, the men waited through the last few hours of darkness, staring down toward the place they knew their enemy must be. Turin finally sent several detachments to fight the fires in the city and tend to the wounded, but he stayed on the wall along with a handful of men to keep watch.
Aaron was leaning against the wall, his eyes almost closed, when Turin gave a cry of surprise. Jerking up, Aaron looked down. In the dusky morning light, fires were being lit. But, to everyone’s shock, the imperial soldiers were strolling about the camp, burnishing armor, grooming horses, and eating the morning meal.
The weary men on the walls looked at one another in bewilderment. Had it all been a dream, a wild imagining brought on by fear? But no, when they turned they could see the destruction of the buildings, the smoldering remains of fires, and the blood and sweat of their companions. Why had the enemy stopped the attack and then pretended that nothing had happened?
“Fear,” said Aaron, quietly voicing the answer to the unspoken question. “That is their tactic; their weapon is fear.” He looked to Turin. “That is why they don’t attack. They don’t need to. They are content to drive us to destruction by the power of our own fear. They will take the city easily. The food and water will run low, more homes will be destroyed, attacks will come unexpectedly in the night, the men will be worn down both mentally and physically, and we will fall in a mater of days.”
Turin was about to deny it, but when he looked at the pale, terror stricken faces of the men and boys around him, he knew it was true. He drove his fist into his palm several times and clenched his teeth. At last, he spoke. “Aaron, there is one thing we can do.”
“What?” asked Aaron.
“Someone must take away their fear,” said Turin.
“Only God can do that,” replied Aaron, wearily leaning against the parapets and running a hand over his eyes.
“Then someone needs to tell them about Him,” said Turin.
Aaron looked up, his eyes widening with the thought.
Noah looked up from where he was crouched beside Darrien–– who had sat down to catch a moment’s rest. “How?” he asked. “How will we tell so many?”
“The great city hall!” exclaimed Turin. “The building is huge, we could fit hundreds!”
“There are thousands in this city!” returned Aaron.
“Well then we had better get to work,” replied Turin. With that, he turned and walked off. Aaron straightened and followed, and Noah grabbed Darrien, pulling him to his feet. Darrien staggered, rubbing his eyes. “What? Are we under attack?”
“No, Aaron is about to set this city on fire,” exclaimed Noah.
“Alright,” mumbled Darrien.
Noah grabbed Darrien’s arm and hauled him along until he woke up enough to run on his own. The four ran across the walkway and down the steps. Turin paused at the bottom. “So, what’s going on?” asked Darrien.
“Later,” replied Turin. “Darrien, you and Noah go tell the villagers what’s going on, tell them to come to the great hall and bring as many as they can find. Aaron, you and I will go there now and pick up whoever we can on the way.”
“But how do I tell them when I don’t even know what’s going on!” exclaimed Darrien.
“Noah will tell you on the way. Aaron, with me!” Turin sprinted off down the street and Aaron followed. He soon lagged behind, thoroughly worn out from the night before. How does Turin have so much energy after fighting and yelling orders all night? Turin was beckoning or calling to those he passed. Aaron couldn’t hear what he said, but what ever it was, it got the people’s attention. Aaron took a deep breath and pushed himself forward, ignoring the pain in his legs and chest.
At last, Turin slowed and Aaron caught up to him. Turin was breathing hard, but slow and evenly, whereas Aaron felt like panting. He forced his breathing to slow. “Where now?”
Turin pointed, and Aaron looked up. Down the street to their left was a huge building. Many other buildings had collapsed near by, for they were near the walls. Turin and Aaron walked down the street, stepping over or skirting around wreckage and ruin. The people who had followed paused to watch them, wondering where they were going.
Turn approached the great hall and pushed open the doors. He stepped in and Aaron followed. Inside, it was very light, for nearly the whole ceiling had collapsed. Pillars lay broken on the floor or leaned against the carved stone walls. Arron looked up at the huge hole in the roof, slowly turning to see the whole thing. Turin grabbed his arm and yanked him back. “Careful!”
Aaron turned and sucked in a breath. In the center of the floor was a huge opening full of water. “What on earth!”
“There is a natural fountain with a river that runs through the city. When the hall was built it spanned over the river and the fountain came up through the center of the floor. When the roof caved in it must have broken the floor, flooded the place, and clogged the fountain,” explained Turin.
Aaron walked slowly to the water’s edge. He looked down and saw pieces of the roof and pillars, but also a firm bottom. The water was crystal clear, for all the dust and debris had settled long ago. He looked up at Turin. “It’s perfect.”
Turin raised an eyebrow, cocking his head slightly. “How?”
“There is plenty of room here for a hundred or more people, and there is plenty of water,” said Arron.
Turin smiled, suddenly understanding. He turned and walked to the doors. Setting his shoulder against a pillar leaning against one door, he shoved it out of the way. The stone column shattered, and Turin flung both doors open. Stepping outside, he began calling to the watching people.
Aaron turned away and closed his eyes, taking in several breaths. “Father help me,” he whispered. “Speak through me, use my simple words to work wonders for You. Help us all.”
Arron looked again around the room, seeing how there was plenty of floor left surrounding the hole. He spotted a large flat bolder sticking up from the water and decided that this would be the best place to stand. Aaron stepped to the water’s edge and sat down, slowly lowering himself down. He stood and found the water only came up to his waist and the bottom was firm. Aaron waded through it to the rock and scrambled up. He stood dripping and watched the people walking cautiously in and slowly beginning to circle the water.
The people looked at the young man on the rock, his strange fair hair highlighted by the sun that shone down on him through the broken roof. Aaron spotted several children, and he smiled as nervous, frightened little eyes fell on him. His heart broke when he saw the blood that stained many of their clothes, and crude bandages wrapped around wounds from the night’s attack.
Turin was standing at the door, guiding the people in and reassuring them. Aaron spotted Noah and Darrien taking up places around the room, eager to help explain things to the listeners. The two had brought several of the villagers, and they began to spread out through the crowd. Even at this moment, Aaron could pick out those who knew Christ, and those who didn’t. The former had hope and light in their eyes, outshining the fear–– the latter had nothing but terror, despair, and emptiness.
When the room was full, Aaron spoke; “People of Ardenta, I am Aaron Dalvarian, and I come from Vendailia. I traveled here to live among you and to bring you a message of hope.” he looked around at the attentive gazes fixed on him. Father, use this for Your glory.
Aaron took a deep breath and began.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
You’re welcome. I’m encouraged to hear you found that encouraging.
I’m only 14…and it makes me mad when my writing’s not as good as older writers’…but then I have to slow down and remember that I’m doing good for the age I’m at and I have plenty of time to get better!!!
I should let you know I was horrible at writing until I reached grade 11. I got bad grades on my writing assignments (like 45%) and even dropped out of English that year. I did have the idea for TNPT then and knew I wanted to tell the story, but I was convinced I could not write it and was going to ask my sister to do so instead. Then my mom put me in a writing course which went back to the basics, and suddenly… I was good at writing??? I got invited to a secret summer course for creative writing by the teacher of the course and suddenly realized I would be able to write TNPT myself, which was a huge relife. So if an English failure can suddenly become an author, there is plenty of hope for you.
NO WONDER!! I’ve been thinking “how is he so good with his critiques!!”
I’m always confused when people tell me I’m good at stuff like this. I always feel like I had no idea what I was doing, like a madman playing with fire. But thank you anyways!
I shall attempt to give advice in the best way possible. lol.
but it’s definitely out of my comfort zone!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I’m going to read that last part later. I need to go out and buy my sister a birthday present whale she is at work.
Aw, that’s sweet of you!! I bet she’ll love it!
No problem! Get to it whenever you can.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
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