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I’m glad you put the takeover-by-the-empire subplot back in. I was kinda wondering if you’d forgotten it lol
No, I haven’t forgotten. This book moved way faster previously, but people keep telling me to add things so now I feel like it’s a lot slower.
Right now it’s not clear if they’re married yet or not.
what? No! They aren’t married!!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@ellette-gislle yeah, it’d be a good idea to make that a little clearer then.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Okay, I have decided to continue to keep trying with this.
Hope y’all are still interested. lol.
I still plan to have a scene where Aaron talks to Sabina about courtship, but I haven’t been able to work it out yet, so for now we’re just going on.
Another month was drawing to a close, and still no change had been made concerning the kingdom. Then, the imperial governor arrived. This became a time of deep anxiety, for it was rumored that the governor would not only bring tighter rule, but he would separate the people and send some away to the villages and towns left deserted by the war. Every night that week, the Ardantin Christians met in prayer. They asked God not to let friends and relatives be separated, begging for protection, and most of all, that His will be done.
Slowly but surly, it became clear that separation was the governor’s intent. He had been given orders to make Ardenta what it once was in glory and beauty, but to keep a tight rule on the people. He knew the power that he had, and he wanted the people to feel it. Each evening, at random times and with no pattern to calculate, soldiers would knock on the door of a home and order the occupants to prepare to leave with a group going to one of the villages or towns.
Aaron and the others in the orphanage knew that they could be sent away. Or even worse, since they were not one family, they might all be separated. The thought of the little orphan children thrown back on the streets, of never seeing Noah and Darrien again, and of losing Sabina nearly drove Aaron to despair. And, there was a small lingering dread within him. I’m a foreigner here. What will the soldiers do to me?
Even the children prayed that God would keep them together or bring them good families. Many in the church realized the danger the children were in without a family and home, and they came and took them as there own. Soon, there were no more then ten children in the little orphanage, and Aaron and his companions thanked God that the others were safe in good hands. It wasn’t long before the soldiers began pounding on the doors of those belonging to the church.
One evening while Aaron sat out on the front steps and watched the children play in the street, Mr. Woodman and his family arrived. Aaron stood up and greeted them eagerly. He invited Mrs. Woodman inside where Sabina was. The Woodman children had turned aside to play in the street, and Mr Woodman asked to speak to Aaron alone. The two walked a short distance away from the orphanage and stopped. “What is it?” Aaron asked anxiously.
“Aaron, soldiers came last night.”
Aaron felt as if someone had struck him. He slowly shook his head, but there was no denying the truth. “How soon do you have to leave?” he whispered.
“In two days.”
Aaron clenched his fists and turned away.
“Aaron, we came to bid farewell, but also, we came to thank you.”
Aaron looked back at Mr. Woodman. “Thank me?”
“For all that you did. For the sacrifices you made to come to us.”
Aaron smiled a little. “You are welcome.” He looked toward the place where the Woodman children were playing with Joseph and his friends. “Is there nothing you can do? Is there no one you could talk to?”
“Aaron, they are Imperial soldiers, we are Ardentans.”
Aaron turned back to him, his voiced laced with desperation. “Surely there’s something to be done. Someone we could talk to!”
Mr. Woodman laid a hand on his shoulder. “Aaron, we must do as they say and go where they will. We are little better then their slaves now.”
Aaron clenched his teeth, blinking furiously against tears.
Mr Woodman gripped his shoulder. “Wherever we go, I promise we will still serve the Lord, Aaron. We will never turn.”
Aaron hugged the man fiercely. “I make the same promise to you, my brother.”
They stepped back, and Aaron wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Come and eat with us.”
Mr Woodman opened his mouth to protest, but Aaron continued. “You must. It will be our last meal together for a long time.”
The Woodmans did stay for supper, and after they had gone Aaron led the little orphanage in a time of prayer. Then Sabina and the Alicia got the children ready for bed and Aaron slipped outside. He walked to the stairs leading to the roof, but did not climb them. Instead he sank down on one of the steps and dropped his head to his hands.
It wasn’t long before steps sounded, and Aaron looked up. Noah and Sabina were walking toward him. Both of them looked the way Aaron felt. Sabina sat down on the step next to Aaron, and Noah leaned against the wall. After a few moments, Sabina spoke. “I feel like I’m losing my family all over again.”
Aaron nodded. “To me I feel like everything I have sacrificed and worked for is being torn to pieces by the Empire.”
“So many good friends we will never see again,” added Noah.
“What if we’re next,” whispered Sabina. “Oh Aaron, what would happen to us?”
Aaron could feel the fear in her voice, and he turned to face her. “I don’t know, Sabina, but God does. He’l be with us, I’m sure of it.”
Sabina nodded and wiped her hand over her eyes. “It’s so hard, Aaron.”
“What is?” he asked, gently.
“It’s so hard to trust God when things go so wrong.”
Aaron let out a deep breath. “I know exactly what you mean.” He waited for Noah to jump in and pull them both out of the despair they were sliding into. When a few moments passed in silence, Aaron looked up and Found Noah had his hands over his face. Aaron stood and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Noah, what’s wrong?”
“What’s going to happen to us, Aaron?” whispered Noah. He sucked in a breath and drew his arm over his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s alright,” replied Aaron. “Noah, I know exactly how you feel. You of all people should know that.”
Noah nodded.
“We can’t rely on men. Not even each other,” Aaron continued. “Everything has failed us, and everything will. Only God will remain. Only in Him can we put our trust.” As Aaron spoke, he could feel confidence rising with-in him. He turned and held out a hand. Sabina took it, and he pulled her to her feet. “Look at us,” he continued, placing a hand on Noah’s shoulder. “We can do nothing to stop the Empire, and we can do nothing to save ourselves. But pit the Empire against God, and the odds are far worse. He is in control, even though it might seem the Empire is.” He turned and gripped Noah by both shoulders. “The God who formed you with his hands as a reflection of Himself, is the God who is still here today.” Aaron reached out and placed a hand on Sabina’s back. “The God who knows the very number of your hair is right here, caring for You. He will be with us, not matter what happens. What can the Empire do against a God like that?”
Noah smiled and dropped a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “Nothing,” he said, with a smile. “Nothing, Aaron.”
“Then no matter who comes pounding on this door, God will be right here with us, and He will never abandon us,” Aaron said. “He is in control. Not the Empire.”
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Yes, still interested. Keep it coming, and I will keep on trying to find time to give you at least some feedback.
This became a time of deep anxiety, for it was rumored that the governor would not only bring tighter rule, but he would separate the people and send some away to the villages and towns left deserted by the war.
The governor separating people feels sudden like it came out of nowhere. I would recommend at least hinting that it is coming earlier on. No need to go into it in depth, just let the reader know something is up in the background.
(Update: I went back to your previous chapter to make sure I was not forgetting anything and noticed Aaron mentioned the church being separated. It is not apparent what he means by being separated. Is he referring to these rumors, or is this just a possibility he is considering at this point? I can’t remember if you talked about separation earlier on.)
The Carriage comes, the Carriage Black! (Kidding.)
“Then no matter who comes pounding on this door, God will be right here with us, and He will never abandon us,” Aaron said. “He is in control. Not the Empire.”
Aaron has grown, even though he might not feel like he has.
im so glad you’re still interested and willing to help me! Once I’m finished with it on here I’ll be passing it on to my editor. So this is SUPER helpful.
hmmm, I think I did foreshadow but maybe not clearly enough. Thats easy to fix.
Aaron has grown!! I’m glad you’re picking up on it! I was worried it was too subtle, but I didn’t want it in your face. You know?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@ellette-giselle I’m still reading!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Okay, next section!!!
Get ready for it…………
With trust in their heavenly Father, Aaron and his companions waited for the dreaded pounding on the door. But by God’s grace, it never came. After a full week of no more nightly orders, the people who remained in the capital felt safe once again.
Then came the wall.
“Aaron!” cried Noah, dashing into the room, Darrien hot on his heels. “Aaron we’re trapped.”
Aaron started up from where he sat at the table with Sabina, trying to work out a shopping list they could afford. “What happened?”
“They’ve built a wall, a huge wall, around the whole country. There are guards, and ditches and moats, there is no getting in or out except for by the gate, and the gate opens into the empire.” Noah paused to catch his breath.
“No one is leaving this place,” finished Darrien. “At least, none of us. We’re all trapped.”
The silence that hung in the kitchen was painful. Aaron forgot to breathe and his mind raced. At last, Sabina spoke. “We can’t try to get through the gate?”
“With our dark hair and eyes?” Noah asked. “The people of the empire have fair hair and light eyes, we would be spotted at once. Who knows what they would do to someone caught escaping.”
“Once we got into the Empire there would be no leaving. We would be worse off then before. They’d catch us at the border for sure,” agreed Darrien.
Aaron sat down slowly. Noah and Darrien joined him and Sabina at the table. “That’s it then. No one’s getting out of here,” Aaron said quietly. He felt someone watching him and he looked up.
Sabina was staring straight at Aaron, tears glinting in her eyes. At last, she found her voice. “Aaron is not from Ardenta.”
The others turned to look at Aaron. No one spoke for a long time.
“Aaron!” Noah finally said, his eyes wide with the thought. “God has given you means of escape! You look just like someone from the empire, and with a horse and different clothes you would pass unchallenged. You can go home!”
“Yes!” cried Darrien. “Aaron you can leave! You’re free!”
“What!” gasped Aaron. “I… I couldn’t!”
“Why not?” demanded Darrien. “You almost got killed because we thought you were an Imperial spy. Just get into the Empire, ride along the boarder, and get back out.”
Noah nodded. “You have brought Christ to our land, many stand ready to continue with the work, and leaders all over have risen to take your place. You came to bring the truth to us, and you have. Your mission is completed and you have gone far beyond that. There is no reason why you must suffer here any longer. Go home Aaron. See your father and sister again, live in a free country.”
“We can get you out easily,” said Darrien. “There will hardly be any risk.”
“Who knows what may happen now,” added Noah. “You are a foreigner here, but not from the Empire. They may not take kindly to that. Get out while you can!”
Darrien leaned forward. “I can get to where the soldiers are quartering their horses. I’ll steal one easily and get it outside the gate. You’ll meet me there and ride for the border.”
“I know a girl who cleans uniforms,” added Noah. “I can get one from her. Once you’re away from here you can get to the boarder. It may be a little dangerous, but just say you have an important message.”
“Could we make a fake one?” asked Darrien.
Noah shrugged. “It couldn’t be too hard. Whatever we do, you just get to the boarder––”
“Stop!” yelled Aaron. He leapt to his feet and took a few steps back, his breath shaking. “Just… just stop.”
“Don’t you want to go home?” Darrien asked.
Aaron opened his mouth, but he couldn’t reply. He turned away from Darrien and his eyes fell on Sabina. He looked at her and she smiled softly. Noah and Darrien looked from one to the other, but didn’t speak.
Sabina took a deep breath. “Aaron, you are free to go.”
“But Sabina, I can’t leave you,” whispered Aaron.
“Love calls for sacrifice Aaron, and if this is what God wants, then who am I to stand in the way? If God is leading you to return home, then go with my prayers and blessing.”
Aaron covered his face with his hands. “I don’t know what to do!”
“Go and pray Aaron,” said Sabina. Her lips trembled but she steadied her voice. “Ask God to show you the path you must take.”
Wham!! Bombshell! Plot twist!
Bet ya didn’t see that one coming, even after all the foreshadowing. It was the shoes and you were distracted by the fish!
Am I right?
(Only Linus is gonna get that) *snickers*
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I think something is keeping this plot twist from being effective. As far as I can remember, there has been no talk from any of their characters about fleeing from the land. You’ve already told us that the characters were trapped in the city for over a year. I was under the impression that they had accepted this fate and all wanted to stay and help the orphans as well. So it seems a little strange that the characters are suddenly desperate to leave. I think this would work better if the characters were already making plans to escape and had the perfect plan. The sort of plan that yes, you expect it to go wrong, but in the way that a character messes up. Not in the way that your oppressors have managed to surround you with a wall.
Noah comes in and says, “Hey guys, remember our perfect plan to escape? We may have a slight problem.”
And Aaron says, “What do you mean ‘slight problem’?”
Then Noah goes. “Well… you see, the Empire somehow managed to build a wall around our country. You know, like the one they have in China? Yup, that’s us now. We’re stuck.”
Then Arron goes. “Oh…”
Regardless, the wall right now does not impact the characters too much in terms of their current goals. So upon reading this, I thought, so what?
Sorry to disappoint you that your big plot twist did not have any impact on me. But if you keep a spark of hope that the characters could escape, one that is apparent to the reader, then this will land much harder.
And yes, I didn’t see the wall coming, so you do at least got that.
It was the shoes and you were distracted by the fish!
It took me way too long to get the reference.
*goes in corner and sulks*
comes back out again.
But that’s the WRONG bombshell!!! I meant about Aaron being able to get out and him leaving them all!! Not the wall. The wall affects the fact that no one is coming to rescue them now. If there was anyone coming.
should I still have them trying to escape?btw, do you think Aaron will do it, or will he stay?
*goes back in corner to sulk because not only did the bomb not explode in your face but you picked up the wrong one altogether*
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
*goes back in corner to sulk because not only did the bomb not explode in your face but you picked up the wrong one altogether*
I’m sorry. I have a too-healthy sense of self-preservation to pick up explosive things. I guess I really did go after the fish instead of the shoes. (Next time don’t tell me there is supposed to be a big plot twist in a chapter so I don’t be stoopid and search for more fish).
I’m not entirely sure if I expect Aaron to leave or not. I was fully expecting him to stay until that last part when he actually considers it. It was not surprising that his initial reaction was to stay. He has more reasons to stay than leave (mainly Sabina), However, if he attempts to leave, I doubt he would try to without Sabina. (Or maybe you really do have a bomb ready to explode in my face.)
Next time don’t tell me there is supposed to be a big plot twist in a chapter so I don’t be stoopid and search for more fish.
I only said it because I’ve been reading WAY too much Alcatraz, thanks to you.
BTW, I can’t get over the way you spelled “Stupid”.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Sorry it took a pretty minute.
On his bed, Aaron sat and with his head in his hands, unsure of how to even begin. Voices raced through his mind. “God has given you means of escape!”… “Aaron you can leave! You’re free!”… “Love calls for sacrifice Aaron,”… “But what if someone were to go to them and live among them, helping them, working with them, fighting with them, facing what they face, suffering what they suffer, living where they live. Would they not be inclined to listen? Perhaps just a few at first, but then more and more. Wouldn’t it catch their attention that someone would come to their war-torn country and live with them? Wouldn’t they wonder what was so important for that man to put himself in what seems like unnecessary peril?… “Aaron… Sabina! Stay with… Sabina,” … “You are a foreigner here, but not from the empire, they may not take kindly to that. Get out while you can!”… “There will hardly be any risk.”… “Don’t… don’t abandon my… people. They… need… you,”… “Aaron, you are free to go…”
“Oh Father, help me,” Aaron whispered. “I am lost in the dark, I can’t see my way. Is my fair complexion the means of escape that You have given me, or am I meant to stay? I came here to live with the people, to suffer what they suffer. Yet now it seems like You have prepared a path for escape. Did You prepare this, or is it a work of the enemy, twisting what You have given in order to stop the work You have started here? I promised not to abandon the people of Ardenta, but do You have a different plan for my life? I… I love Sabina, but is it Your will for her to become my wife? Love does call for sacrifice, but what sacrifice? The sacrifice of the joy we could share, or the sacrifice of the freedom and home so near to my grasp?”
For a long moment he sat in silence. Slowly, two things became very clear. “Father, I will loose something dear no matter what path I take. If I go, I loose Noah, Darrien, little Joseph… Sabina, the people of the church. But if I stay, I loose my freedom and the chance to ever see my father and sister again. Please show me which is the path I must take. Father, make clear Your will. Please!”
It was many hours later that Aaron finally came down from his room. He entered the kitchen and found Sabina, Noah, and Darrien sitting around the table, hands clasped and heads bowed in prayer. Aaron came to them and quietly sat down between Noah and Sabina. He bowed his head as Darrien finished asking for God’s will to be done.
When Darrien finished, the three turned to Aaron. He looked pale and weary. Traces left by tears he had wept in sorrow, desperation, confusion, and submission still showed on his face. Aaron was looking at the table, trying to steady his voice. At last, he spoke. “Thank you for praying for me.”
They nodded, anxious to hear what choice he had made.
“I have sought God’s will this entire time, and it has been a hard fight. The devil constantly spoke in my mind, trying to persuade me in many different ways, twisting truth as he is so skilled in doing. It wasn’t until after I cast him from me in God’s name that I was able to see clearly. The Lord has made my path plain, and the right choice is undeniable.” Aaron took a deep breath, and it was clear that the decision caused him both pain and joy. “I am staying in Ardenta.”
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
did the tags not work?
hmmm, technology……
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Okay, I was right. Aaron did not leave Sabina (good lad). If you want it to be harder for the reader to see what is coming, Aaron will need to miss his family more and long to return to his homeland earlier on.
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