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Just so you know, I am willing to follow this and give you feedback as well. I don’t think I will get to it today, but I will let you know when I have some feedback. Please tag me for any updates!
I like Aaron so far, I think his temper adds more depth to him. The other characters are fine, I haven’t gotten to know them as much yet.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Will do! Thanks!
Nice, I’m glad the temper adds more. I didn’t have it much in the first draft, but I took the risk and strengthened it a little more. Glad it payed off.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Just finished reading what you posted. So far I like it. What time period would this take place in? I’m imagining Arron in a T-shirt for some reason, but I highly doubt this is set in recent times. In some ways, this reminds me of the books my sister writes. She also writes stories that take place in fictional worlds but could take place in the real world.
Aaron jerked his head up. “What?”
“It is courteous of you to return to this world,” said his teacher, his eyebrows arched. “Where, may I ask, were you?”
“A war,” replied Aaron, his eyes turning to the window. “In Ardenta,” he added slowly.
Dimension hopping? I relate.
Arron. I like his adventurous and somewhat distracted personality. I wonder how these will come into play further down the road. I’m glad to see he has some faults as well, like his temper and how he is already growing weary of Turin.
Have not seen too much of Turin’s personality, but I expect to see more as he grows to trust Arron.
Lol, does this help.
Ardentan Royal Guard
It’s medieval. Very medieval.
I’ll post some more tomorrow! Thanks for the feedback, I love it!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Here is the next section y’all!
Turin did not return for many hours, but Aaron did not feel alone. In fact, he felt more comfort then when he was with Turin, for now he was alone with God. Aaron liked being alone, able to speak aloud freely to his Father in heaven. After the events of the passed few days, he felt a desperate need to clear his mind. “Father I don’t know what to do,” he began, letting the seeds fall from his hand into the soil, and pushing the dirt lightly over them with the toe of his boot. “I’ve worked alongside Turin for several days now, and I think I might have gained a faction of his trust. He seems intrigued by what I have to tell him, but that’s it. Nothing else has come of it. Honestly, I thought I was going to walk in here, speak to crowds in Your name and by Your power, and have hundreds believe. It was all supposed to be so different. Yet, here I am, after days here, and I’ve done nothing but farm work, with not a single person’s belief to reward my efforts. I… I’m starting to feel a little discouraged. Am I getting sidetracked trying to win Turin? Should I leave and move on?” Aaron shook his head, he wasn’t sure what to do, but leaving did not feel like the right option.
As Aaron covered another set of seeds he paused and looked at the ones that lay in his hand. A slow smile spread across his face. “I may sow the seeds, but You are the only One who can make them grow,” he said softly. “Oh Father help them grow, please help them grow! I want to see Turin come to You, I don’t want to leave with things like this.”
Aaron ran a hand over his forehead and wiped sweat from his eyes. Then he turned and continued on. “Show me what to do, where to go, and when.” Aaron continued work, walking up and down the rows, spreading and covering seeds. He did not finish until early evening. Aaron crouched by a stream and eagerly quenched his thirst. He stripped of his shirt and vest and waded into the waist deep water. He ducked under and came up, gasping from the shock of the cold. He washed the dirt and sweat from his face and hands and then splashed out and onto the grassy bank. He pulled on his vest without a shirt. His shirt he soaked in the water and then slung it over a branch to dry.
Aaron sat down under the shade of a tree and opened his pack, pulling out a piece of bread he had saved from lunch. He ate, looking out over the field he had planted. He felt satisfaction and expectation. He had done his part, but he was eager to see the fruit of his work. He smiled slightly; it was the same with Turin.
Aaron closed his eyes, letting the cooling breeze revive him. He wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep or not, but the next thing he knew a voice was speaking. “Aaron, I need you’re help.”
Aaron opened his eyes and looked up into Turin’s dark ones. He was slightly pale, and a desperate look filled his eyes. Aaron started up, surprised and alarmed. “Turin, what is it?”
“I… I didn’t know where else to turn, I don’t know what to do,” said Turin. He turned away and covered his face with his hands, sinking down slowly to the ground.
Aaron crouched beside him. “What happened?”
“There was word in the village,” said Turin slowly. “The imperial army moved on one of our cities, the King lead a force out to meet them on the field to keep them away from the women and children. The enemy was too strong. Our forces were routed, our king… our king fell, and his son, the only heir, is on the run with a small band of men. The city was taken, and anyone who resisted was killed. The imperial army is building in number, and they plan to attack the capital soon…” Turin’s voice trailed off. Neither spoke for a long moment. At last, Turin looked up. “The empire is too strong, we are going to loose our country.”
“Your sister, and the other women and children of the village must get out,” said Aaron, urgently. “We need to get them out of the country to safety.”
“No,” said Turin in quiet despair. “We can’t. The Imperial army did not attack like this before because they were not ready. They are now. They have armies positioned along the entire border and no one gets in or out. We are trapped here. There is no leaving, there is no coming, there is no escape and no rescue.”
Aaron sat back hard. “Blocked! Completely?”
“Yes, there is no way through,” said Turin.
Aaron stared at him, hardly able to breath. “Oh Lord,” he gasped. “You knew! This is why!”
“What are you talking about?” demanded Turin.
“God told me to come now because He knew I wouldn’t be able to come at all if I delayed!” exclaimed Aaron.
“Well, now you’re trapped,” said Turin, darkly.
Aaron hadn’t thought of that, and a chill raced through him.
“I don’t even know why you came,” laughed Turin, harshly. “You left your perfect, free, peaceful country and came here. We are going to fall, and when we do, we will belong to the Empire. The Empire Aaron.”
“I know,” replied Aaron, his voice slightly unsteady.
Turin shook his head. “Welcome to the place you’ll die. You aren’t getting out of here, and whatever is left of your life will be violent and short. I’ve never seen anyone do something so pointless.”
Aaron was afraid, more afraid then he was letting on, but he also knew that this was a chance to live what he told Turin he believed. He took a deep breath. “I’m frightened Turin, but God brought me here for a reason. He will protect me.”
“I wish I had that kind of assurity,” muttered Turin.
“What?” asked Aaron, trying to hide his eagerness.
Turin began pulling up the grass beside him, refusing to look at Aaron. “I said, I wish I had that assurity.”
“Are you afraid?” asked Aaron.
Turin began pulling up the grass in fistfuls.
“You don’t have to be.”
Turin paused, his fingers entwined in the blades of grass he was about to rip up.
“If you accept Christ and give your life to Him, then you will have nothing to fear. He, the Maker, Creator, and God of everything, will never leave you or forsake you. He will be with you always, no matter what you go through, or what happens in this world. He will hold you close, and He will bring you through the shadow of death and into eternal life. He is calling you, Turin. Humble yourself, lift your eyes from this world and look to Him. He will save you.”
Turin’s hand had loosened around the grass, and his chin rested on his knees. As Aaron watched, a single tear cut a path through the dirt and sweat on his face. “How,” he whispered.
Aaron could hardly contain his excitement, he could hardly believe that this was really happening. He forced his voice to stay calm. “Do you believe you were created by God and live in a world He made?” asked Aaron.
Turin hesitated a moment, and then spoke. “I still do not understand how, but yes, I believe He did create me and this world. I don’t know why I should believe this over any other account I have heard, but something tells me its true.”
“Do you believe you are a sinner, deserving of death and unfit to be in the presence of God?” asked Aaron.
“Yes, yes I do,” replied Turin. “I have felt the guilt of my sin, especially since you came.”
“Do you believe that God loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die and take our place and our sin so that we might live and be free?”
“Yes,” replied Turin.
“Are you willing to give your life to God and live as He teaches and do what He commands?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Then, speak to God as if you were talking to your father, tell Him these things and ask Him to come and be Lord of your life,” Aaron told him.
“I… I am afraid,” said Turin quietly. “I cannot speak to God, I… I just can’t!”
“But Turin, He wants nothing more then for you to speak directly to Him, confessing your sins and asking Him to be your King and Savior. He loves you Turin. He loves to listen to us, I talk to Him often; sometimes silently, sometimes out loud. He is here with us, and He is ready and waiting. Waiting for you. Speak to Him, and call Him what he is, your Father.”
Turin hid his face in his hands. At last he spoke, his voice choked with emotion and muffled by his hands. “Father I… I don’t know what to do. My kingdom is falling into the hands of evil men, I am trapped here and I have no one but my little sister. I am alone, I need help. I believe You are the only God, and I know I have sinned before You. I believe You sent Your Son to die for me. Please, please save me. Save me from this terror! Oh Father help me, please help me. Forgive me.”
Aaron gripped Turin’s shoulder firmly, a broad smile crossing his face as unspeakable joy flooded through him. If I die and never speak to another of the Ardentans, I would still say it was worth it.
Aaron looked at his new brother in Christ. It was as if a great weight had been lifted off if the young man. The wall he had built around himself as protection against the world shattered, and Turin wept.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Sorry, I have been slacking with giving feedback lately. Summer is really getting ahead of me lol. I will try to give you feedback today after I read over the sections you posted.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
No problem!! Thank you for all the help you have given!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Ok, the last section on the first page was good, but when Aaron is telling Turin about how sin entered the world and when Christ lived for us, I think someone learning about it would ask one or two more questions to understand it better. Other than that, it was good. I have to go help my brother now with something, so I will read over the next section later.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Thanks!! I’ll add that to my notes. Although, Turin isn’t really one for questions. Or talking. At all.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
This is really good! I still don’t understand how you can write so fast…
Like I get that you have it all planned out…I have mine planned out too, exactly what I want to happen, but I still can’t write it that fast, I’m too much of a perfectionist and want everything to be exactly how I want XD
The only critique was that when Aaron was explaining Christianity, the large paragraphs could NOT hold my short attention span WHATSOEVER. I just had to skim over them because I couldn’t make myself read that much XD
If you broke it up way more and had Turin ask more questions (even someone who doesn’t like talking would still be confused and something this complex would drive him to ask), it would flow way better.
Otherwise, great job Ellette! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Like I get that you have it all planned out…I have mine planned out too, exactly what I want to happen, but I still can’t write it that fast, I’m too much of a perfectionist and want everything to be exactly how I want XD
lol. That is exactly why I write fast! I get the story down and THEN go back and fix it. I would get way too bogged down if I tried to perfect as I went. It like making something out of wood. Build, then sand, then varnish. Or drawing, make a sketch, then add detail, then add color.
ok, thanks for the tip on the conversation. I’ll fix that.
I’ll tag you next time I post.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I try to overlook mistakes and I’ve gotten a lot better, believe it or not! But I still can’t stand looking at my draft and seeing so much cringy writing!
Even when I build something out of wood…I still want the wood to look perfect lolI’m just a perfectionist I guess *shrugs*
Great!!!!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333That image does clear it up, thank you!
Some feedback for you.
I do like how it takes time for the Gospel to get through to Turin. I know that feeling of trying to tell someone about it, thinking I would be able to convince them, but to no avail. Sometimes it is a little easy to forget that it is God who softens peoples hearts to the truth. This also humbles Arron and deepens his trust in God.
I would like a little more explanation of this world and how it is connected to ours please. Is this supposed to be a land that exists on our own planet? If this is the case, I think an explanation or some references to real world locations outside of talking about Christian topics would be nice. Or is it in a separate world entirely? I am wondering about how these people heard about God and the gospel.
Ok, though I agree with Sara that the paragraphs are a little long.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
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