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Sorry, I’m behind again, I will catch up hopefully by sometime tomorrow.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
@linus-smallprint You are my only hope!
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror (some were probably named Aaron) and were suddenly silenced. – Obi-wan Kenobi (bit in parenthesis added)
Okay, I have thought through more of what Sara and Whaley have been saying. I’m sorry to say, I do have to agree with them. I realize I may have been going soft on Aaron since he reminds me of someone I know. While Aaron may be a little more realistic to me since he reminds me of someone I know, he does seem a little too perfect. Come to think of it, the guy I know does seem a little too perfect to me as well, but I don’t know him that well either. He likely has many struggles I don’t know about. I do find I understand Turin more because he has more struggles. In the end, this makes him a more relatable character than your protagonist.
I think though that you do have some room where you can easily slip in some more struggles for Aaron. Does he miss his family? Does he feel trapped now that the Empire keeps him from leaving Ardenta? You could also slow down the rate the gospel spreads through Ardenta. Aaron was disappointed that Turin did not convert as fast as he did earlier. I understand Aaron immediately sharing the Gospel with Turin. He’ a young missionary, eager to get going. It feels like right now since Aaron convinced Turin to turn to God, he has been going on a strong streak of convincing most of Ardenta to become Christians. Now could God open the heart of a nation like this, but you could show some more character growth if Aaron has to connect with Turin differently and become friends before the suspicious young man is willing to seriously consider his message. The part where he goes to the town and many become Christians may still be fine. After seeing one of their own risk his life for a foreigner, they would naturally be curious as to why he would do that.
Another thing you could do is there have been some times where he doubts God, but quickly reminds himself to keep trusting. If this is your main struggle point for him, make this a harder challenge. Perhaps he is not fully able to comfort himself and hides this somewhat, not wanting others to see his fears and start mistrusting God as well. Someone else has to come along and encourage him to keep on trusting, this is a perfectly normal thing to do in stories. Now of course Aaron has Christ, but if he was able to deal with his doubts just with a couple of Bible verses and a prayer, the reader has a harder time understanding why he keeps on falling back into the same struggle. If he can deal with it that easily, why is he not past it? Now this could just be me, but I know I can’t just turn doubts off in my brain (in fact, if I try the opposite will sometimes start happening, and more doubts will come flying in). Now I think you could you this to further develop the friendship between Turin and Aaron on in the story. Turin may be able to trust God more with his ‘I either trust you or I don’t’ attitude. Turin could in turn become a mentor figure for Aaron, encouraging him to trust God. “You got me to trust God, and has he failed us?”
So Aaron may be a little too perfect, but that does not mean he is a bad character. See if you can work some struggles in for him, and I think he will become a great and relatable character.
Now the problem the other two mention about Turin’s fierce loyalty appears out of nowhere. I think that is an easy fix. Before Turin becomes a Christian, have him show his fierce loyalty to his sister. Perhaps he warns Aaron to stay away from Sabina with his ‘nonsense’ message.
One more thing I think you can use to further develop Aaron. You introduced him as someone who gets lost thought to the point where his teacher asks him to come back to the real world. How does this benefit and hinder him later on in the story?
@linus-smallprint @savannah_grace2009 @whalekeeper
Ugh. It ate my response. I’m going to cry and give up! I can’t do this anymore!
Ok, I’ve gotten a hold of myself. First let’s start with something funny.
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror (some were probably named Aaron) and were suddenly silenced. – Obi-wan Kenobi (bit in parenthesis added)
I almost died laughing! I was wondering if you would get that reference! haha!
It might be that you are so used to picturing Aaron’s personality, that your sub-conscience assumes Aaron is known, and thus forgets to describe him.
I think I might be guilty………..
Woah, slow down. Are you sure these are novels or novellas? The minimum length for novels these days is 50k words. Average length is 80k. That many novellas is still impressive, I’m just checking.
Nope, they are full Novels. I know, it seems crazy…. but I’ve been writing my stories down since I was twelve, I’m now about to be 18, my average is one draft per month-2 months. (I did one in a week when I was left home alone) But yeah, I don’t really edit as I write, and the story just flows really well for me, so yeah. It’s not too unbelievable.
That works great for him. Does this flaw show up later in the story?
Um, yeah. His fear of the unknown already came up a little bit in the barn, and though he got over it there, it is still under the surface and it will come again. I promise.
though it does surprise me that Aaron’s your favorite…WHAT ABOUT SABINA?!?!?!)
Haha, NOPE! I kinda want to slap her. Just a little bit…….. I mean….. ugh. I love her so much and I just want the poor girl to see the truth! But Aaron is BY FAR my favorite, though I like Turin a lot too. He stresses me out though, and so sometimes he’s a little much.
The problem is he doesn’t display his fears and flaws. He admits them to other people, but that’s the only way we see Aaron. I want to see his thoughts, and the true Aaron, and really know him. I just kind of feel like he’s a stranger at this point, even though I’ve been this far with him.
UGHHHHHH!!! I GIVE UP!!! *sobbing* Ok, deep breath.
I will try to fix this. I really will. I. just. don’t. know. how.!!!!!!
Lately I’ve been feeling awful about my own book…I don’t understand why I can’t write scenes super fast like you (I’m kinda jealous!!!) and I’ve been really self-evaluating and feeling super down and like I shouldn’t be writing it.
WHAT!!! Sara!! I have literally been stopping every ten minutes this week to look and see if you posted a new chapter!! Don’t stop! Your book is amazing!
I also think your plot may be moving a bit too fast. Like, I feel disoriented because one second Aaron and Turin are distant and then basically the next scene says “it had been a couple weeks and now they’re besties! And now Aaron’s besties with the whole village!”
arrrrrrrrgh!!!! But I think it’s moving TOO SLOW!!! All of that is just setting the stage for the real story, which takes place in the capital!!!! ugh.
Okay, I have thought through more of what Sara and Whaley have been saying. I’m sorry to say, I do have to agree with them.
No! Oh….. this is the end!
Ok, I’ll keep reading the rest, I promise. Poor, poor Aaron.
Does he miss his family? Does he feel trapped now that the Empire keeps him from leaving Ardenta?
Ahhhhh, now we’re getting somewhere!!
It feels like right now since Aaron convinced Turin to turn to God, he has been going on a strong streak of convincing most of Ardenta to become Christians.
But it was just one tiny village of like 20-30 people! That’s NOT the whole country!
Aaron has to connect with Turin differently and become friends before the suspicious young man is willing to seriously consider his message.
But they spent WEEKS together working! I just didn’t write about all of that because it’s slow and would lose your attention faster then anything!
Another thing you could do is there have been some times where he doubts God, but quickly reminds himself to keep trusting. If this is your main struggle point for him, make this a harder challenge. Perhaps he is not fully able to comfort himself and hides this somewhat, not wanting others to see his fears and start mistrusting God as well. Someone else has to come along and encourage him to keep on trusting, this is a perfectly normal thing to do in stories. Now of course Aaron has Christ, but if he was able to deal with his doubts just with a couple of Bible verses and a prayer, the reader has a harder time understanding why he keeps on falling back into the same struggle. If he can deal with it that easily, why is he not past it?
Well……. Aaron had lived a pretty guarded life, besides the trauma in his childhood before he was adopted. Honestly, he has never had to put his faith to the test. I think that his doubt grows with the gravity of the situation. Maybe that isn’t the right way to do it, but that made sense to me with his personality. I mean…… what bad thing has really happened to him yet? There’s talk, but no action that he’s seen.
Now this could just be me, but I know I can’t just turn doubts off in my brain (in fact, if I try the opposite will sometimes start happening, and more doubts will come flying in)
Oh I agree, and I think that comes out later On. I mean, all of you are talking about knowing him for so long and everything……. but I just got the story set up! I feel like nothing has really happened yet!
Turin may be able to trust God more with his ‘I either trust you or I don’t’ attitude. Turin could in turn become a mentor figure for Aaron, encouraging him to trust God. “You got me to trust God, and has he failed us?”
Haha! How did you call that? It literally happens in a few pages!
So Aaron may be a little too perfect, but that does not mean he is a bad character. See if you can work some struggles in for him, and I think he will become a great and relatable character.
K…… I’ll try.
Now the problem the other two mention about Turin’s fierce loyalty appears out of nowhere. I think that is an easy fix. Before Turin becomes a Christian, have him show his fierce loyalty to his sister. Perhaps he warns Aaron to stay away from Sabina with his ‘nonsense’ message.
Oooo, I see……. that could certainly work out well!!!!!!
One more thing I think you can use to further develop Aaron. You introduced him as someone who gets lost thought to the point where his teacher asks him to come back to the real world. How does this benefit and hinder him later on in the story?
I hadn’t thought of that!
OK, I don’t know what y’all think…….. but maybe…….. idk…….. maybe could we put Aaron on hold for a bit and y’all read the rest where I feel like his character really, really comes out, and then we could talk about incorporating that into the earlier stuff? Or is that not a good idea?
I would still love feedback on the other stuff as we went, but I’m a little at a loss with Aaron at the moment.
Thank y’all so, so much. I hope y’all can tell that this really is helpful…… I can see there’s a problem now…… I just have to fix it………
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@linus-smallprint @savannah_grace2009 @whalekeeper
Anyone want to see some sketches for LTBL that I did yesterday? Here they are.
I don’t think I like her eyes…… I’ll have to fix them.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
and I actually drew Aaron and like the drawing!!
Does he look like he’s leaning back to y’all? I can’t figure it out…. but he looks like he’s leaning in that one on the far right……idk, maybe I’ve been staring at it for too long.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Ugh. It ate my response. I’m going to cry and give up! I can’t do this anymore!
Try breaking it up into smaller sections next time. You don’t have to answer everyone’s comment in one go. It might be a bit too much for the server to process properly.
arrrrrrrrgh!!!! But I think it’s moving TOO SLOW!!! All of that is just setting the stage for the real story, which takes place in the capital!!!! ugh.
How far through the story are we?
But it was just one tiny village of like 20-30 people! That’s NOT the whole country!
Gotchya. Were there others besides Sabina who did not convert?
But they spent WEEKS together working! I just didn’t write about all of that because it’s slow and would lose your attention faster then anything!
In that time, most, if not all of their actions were suspicion, apologetics, and evangelism. When you write, scenes don’t always have to move the plot forward. Sometimes you can take a break and instead show more about a character or the world, just as long as you don’t put off the plot for too long. If you added more conversations that were similar to the ones you already had, then it would feel slow, boring and repetitive. However, tell us a little more about these characters. Something we don’t know already. Another piece of advice my editor gave me is that interested characters are interesting. Perhaps Aaron discovers that he and Turin have a common interest. Show a scene with them connecting over that. Then the reader goes, ‘oh cool, I didn’t know Aaron and Turin liked that. So that’s what they do in their free time.’
Well……. Aaron had lived a pretty guarded life, besides the trauma in his childhood before he was adopted. Honestly, he has never had to put his faith to the test. I think that his doubt grows with the gravity of the situation. Maybe that isn’t the right way to do it, but that made sense to me with his personality. I mean…… what bad thing has really happened to him yet? There’s talk, but no action that he’s seen.
That is a fair point. By the way, I would like to hear more of Aaron’s backstory.
Haha! How did you call that? It literally happens in a few pages!
Heh heh. Because, as I told Sara, I’m a sneaky time-traveller.
OK, I don’t know what y’all think…….. but maybe…….. idk…….. maybe could we put Aaron on hold for a bit and y’all read the rest where I feel like his character really, really comes out, and then we could talk about incorporating that into the earlier stuff? Or is that not a good idea?
Deal.
Aaron looks like he’s kind of mischievous. Thanks for sharing these!
By the way, would you mind if I recruited you to read/give feedback on my project? It is a fantasy story set in a world that is similar in some ways to the Wingfeather world. If you don’t want to or don’t have the time, that is all right.
How far through the story are we?
The beginning. Literally. Like, there is a LOT more to go. 1/8 maybe?
Gotchya. Were there others besides Sabina who did not convert?
yes. I mentioned that there were……. was that not clear enough? should I try to mention a bit more about that? By the time they leave the village a majority of the people are, and it’s only Sabina and a handful whop aren’t.
Show a scene with them connecting over that. Then the reader goes, ‘oh cool, I didn’t know Aaron and Turin liked that. So that’s what they do in their free time.’
I don’t know what that would be! If they were girls it would be easy! I just don’t know how guys “connect” and whenever I try to write it my brothers look like they’re going to throw up. They say I make them too girly in their getting to know each other, so I just kinda steer clear. Any ideas?
By the way, I would like to hear more of Aaron’s backstory.
Like, me tell you just for your personal interest, or that I should put more of it into the story? Have him tell someone else?
Deal.
Phew! Thanks!
Have you read the most recent? should I post another?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Aaron looks like he’s kind of mischievous. Thanks for sharing these!
He kinda is at times. lol.
By the way, would you mind if I recruited you to read/give feedback on my project? It is a fantasy story set in a world that is similar in some ways to the Wingfeather world. If you don’t want to or don’t have the time, that is all right.
I was literally just snooping around on your profile and discovered you had a story! I would love to read it! And btw, the drawing of a dragon you did is amazing! Is that Wingfeather on your desk? That’s the scene where Leeli whistle harps to them in the first book. right?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I would still love feedback on the other stuff as we went, but I’m a little at a loss with Aaron at the moment.
Thank y’all so, so much. I hope y’all can tell that this really is helpful…… I can see there’s a problem now…… I just have to fix it………
I understand what it feels like to get mixed feedback about a character, it’s so frustrating 🙁 And you can take a break from the Aaron topic so you can figure it out. I don’t think he’s a failure at all especially from your perspective, since you like him so much. Usually it’s just a matter of communicating what it is you like about him.
I have a few ideas for character development though, which you can use as you like! ;P
(Only read these when you feel ready, take a break from all the advice ❤️)
Make a list of Aaron’s traits. Try to be as specific as possible. Then explain each one of his traits, and why he has them. Some of them might be the result of just personal preference (I personally don’t think introvert/extrovert will have a core reason most of the time). BUT a LOT of them should tie back to cores, or values, inside Aaron.
I like to think of a value as an open-ended question or conversation happening inside the character.
For example, one of my MCs operates under some key questions: Is my life real? How can I tell? Why does everything feel so fake? Can I fix that? Can I be the one who breaks out of this story?
In this case, he is valuing authenticity and the knowledge of everything.
These questions come from a backstory which permanently stuck these concerns in the MC’s head. Now, many of his traits reflect these questions. He is afraid of being caught in a fake situation without knowing, thus, he wants to know everything he can. He constantly surprises people with his out-of-box ideas. He struggles with feeling his own emotions, because he often thinks outside of his own body.
With Aaron, if he is scared of an uncertain future, logically he wants to know the future. That can be an internal value. What traits reflect that value?
More complicated advice… To pin down a vague character, I like to use a personality type system at the beginning. I read up on each system and identify my character on it as needed.
– A base system is Meyers-Briggs (aka 16 Personalities). It gives me some specific vibes for the character, even if it doesn’t serve their motivation to me on a silver platter.
– What I really recommend is the Enneagram. *Chef’s kiss* This system helps!! Some people are not comfortable using it, because the initial creator of the system practiced divination I believe? However the modern Enneagram has nothing to do with spirits or demons, strictly personality categorization. It has to do with those key values, like perfectionism, stability, or social peace.
If you don’t want to do all that research… yeah, most people don’t 😅 Just try to pin down Aaron’s traits, and work from there. Make sure he has values aside from his Christian belief, which can eventually line up with Christianity.
Hope this helps!!
“Everything is a mountain”
Oh wow I missed y’all’s messages XD
“Everything is a mountain”
Um, yeah. His fear of the unknown already came up a little bit in the barn, and though he got over it there, it is still under the surface and it will come again. I promise.
Maybe you could make his fear a lot stronger, like showing us his thoughts instead of telling us them?
“Well then I don’t see how much help you’ll be,” concluded the Ardentan.
“I came to live, work, and fight beside you, and I came to bring you the truth,” said Aaron. “A truth that will set you free!”
“Let’s see how well you work first, then maybe we can discuss this ‘truth’ that you believe.”
“Alright,” agreed Aaron.
Like this scene…show us Aaron’s fears, his thoughts. I’ve noticed that you mostly tell us about Aaron, but I think you could add more depth if you show us Aaron. You could try something like this:
“Well then I don’t see how much help you’ll be,” The Ardentan shrugged, turning his back.
The familiar claws of fear pierced Aaron’s soul, and he tried to clasp his hands to stop their shaking. Please, Lord, help me. “I-I came to live, work, and f-fight beside you,” Aaron wanted to kick himself for how his voice wavered. He tried again. Jesus, I need you. “And I came to bring you a truth that will set you free!” He felt the strength of the Lord flowing through him, giving him confidence and courage. Thank you.
“Let’s see how well you work first, then we can discuss this truth that you believe,” the man sneered, scoffing and motioning for Aaron to follow him.
“Alright,” Aaron agreed, following on shaky legs. Help me to trust you, God, even when I am afraid.
Have you ever tried writing in first person? I think it would help you develop your characters a lot more if you wrote their scenes in first person. I am in no way saying to switch perspectives for the book, just write scenes that aren’t actually in the book in a notebook or something, just to practice and become more familiar with your characters. Just a thought!
Well……. Aaron had lived a pretty guarded life, besides the trauma in his childhood before he was adopted. Honestly, he has never had to put his faith to the test. I think that his doubt grows with the gravity of the situation. Maybe that isn’t the right way to do it, but that made sense to me with his personality. I mean…… what bad thing has really happened to him yet? There’s talk, but no action that he’s seen.
I’d like you to elaborate on the trauma more, show how the mental scars still affect him and how he has to trust God to get past those. Because even though he is a Christian, Satan is going to constantly be trying to attack him from the inside. Think internal conflict over external. You can be falling apart on the inside without anything bad happening to you on the outside.
OK, I don’t know what y’all think…….. but maybe…….. idk…….. maybe could we put Aaron on hold for a bit and y’all read the rest where I feel like his character really, really comes out, and then we could talk about incorporating that into the earlier stuff? Or is that not a good idea?
Yep! Of course! I’m sorry if I came down too hard…like Linus said I feel like a madman playing with fire when I critique something XD XDarrrrrrrrgh!!!!
But they spent WEEKS together working! I just didn’t write about all of that because it’s slow and would lose your attention faster then anything!
Actually, you do need to write about this, especially since they were working together for weeks. It won’t lose my attention…I want to see a friendship grow and develop!
Haha, NOPE! I kinda want to slap her. Just a little bit…….. I mean….. ugh. I love her so much and I just want the poor girl to see the truth! But Aaron is BY FAR my favorite, though I like Turin a lot too. He stresses me out though, and so sometimes he’s a little much.
WHAT? Wow! I just want to hug her XD
The beginning. Literally. Like, there is a LOT more to go. 1/8 maybe?
Okay okay okay. hear me out.
What if you split this up into two books? I know it’s supposed to be the first book of a trilogy, but you might have to make it four. XD
Because you are moving too fast…I think you may pushing towards the real plot so quickly that you skim over details that your readers would really be interested in knowing. the parts on his journey where he has to trust God, the parts where he fights for acceptance in the village, that is a plot of its own that I would like to know more about before we even think about a further plot.
WHAT!!! Sara!! I have literally been stopping every ten minutes this week to look and see if you posted a new chapter!! Don’t stop! Your book is amazing!
Are you serious??? That is so sweet of you! <333 thank you!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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