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@freedomwriter76 @mineralizedwritings @ava-blue @folith-feolin
Would any of you mind reading and editing my novel? I don’t have a lot of editors right now (Thank you @loopylin for being one of the few! 😊 You’re awesome!). I only get one chapter out a week at the most and am only six chapters in now so it shouldn’t be too time-consuming. Or, if you know anyone who might want to, send them here.
It’s a dystopian romance about two people who are both addicted to a life-simulation game. If you are interested I can upload the first chapter! I appreciate any help! Thank you!
I’d love to read some of your work and make suggestions (story related, not grammar stuffs)!!
However don’t consider me an editor… I stay pretty busy with school and other stuff. I can pop in with some feedback every now and then though! I’m pretty cautious about what I read (I remember you saying your WIP started being based of a creepy sims add). I’m super sensitive. So… If I don’t respond, I got to busy with school or got uncomfortable with the content or I just something else 🤣
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Thank you! I’ve got grammarly, so grammar shouldn’t be too much of a problem. My biggest things are the story, if it makes sense, and if the actual writing flows well.
Don’t worry, I absolutely understand! I’m really busy right now, too. I would just love some extra feedback. And if you know anyone that might be interested, send them this way. Cause the deadlines for this are coming really fast! 😳 Is this how professional authors feel, having to actually get past procrastination?
It shouldn’t be too dark, too. Creepy might not be the best word for it. I don’t remember exactly but the ad was saying things like “living a better life” on it and I thought ‘that’s creepy!’ And it’s only very vaguely based on it. So more creepy like that and less creepy as in monsters, I guess?
Anyway, thank you so much! I’ll send you the first chapter!
First Chapter:
The woman that sat across from him was the definition of perfection. Her stunning eyes glinted and brought out her beautiful hair. With unnatural grace, she reached forward to grab her glass and brought it to her lips. The woman took a sip before speaking.
“Thank you, Nolan, for taking me here. Bonduelle is such a lovely place I do not think I-” the woman paused before cautiously continuing, “Could I go off-book for a moment here?”
Nolan gave her a blunt look, “You could ruin the experience.”
She rolled her eyes and took another drink. From behind her a server appeared and placed various plates of food on the table. Ignoring the food, the woman proceeded with the conversation, “Anyway, I love the atmosphere here. I heard that the back patio will be used as a venue for a local band next week. Maybe we could go?”
Yes! Nolan almost blurted out before a better choice showed itself. “I would love to. You said it was next week?”
“Yes, on Wednesday.”
He let out a small chuckle, “Maybe we could skip a few days in between.”
The two maintained their conversation throughout the rest of the meal, their dinners being taken away and replaced with desserts. They finish making their plans for the next date and split the bill. Nolan got up and grabbed his coat from the back of the chair, the woman following behind him. They exited the building, an illuminated sign saying Bonduelle above them. Nolan raised one hand, calling a cab. The two walked across the sidewalk to the car and climbed into the back seat. The woman leaned forward and gave the driver the address of her apartment, then sat back down beside him. Cars and neon lights flashed by their vehicle as Nolan allowed himself to relax. He was just starting to zone out when a notification popped up.
Morning alarm in five minutes. Proceeding with slow wakeup.
–
Milo Trone woke up in his Synthesis Pod, groggy after spending his night living in the Teclor Simulation. He clumsily reached out his hand to open the latch, a puff of air releasing as it opened. He swung his leg over the small rim and he stumbled across the drab, metallic room over to the washroom. A film covered him once Milo stepped inside, and refreshed and cleaned him. He popped a small tablet into his mouth and with a drink, washed it down, and immediately was filled with energy. Milo went through all the motions mechanically, exited the washroom, then his bedroom with the Synthesis Pod as its centerpiece, into the hallway.
Once he was dressed he stopped by the small kitchenette and grabbed a few small pellets from a jar and downed them in one flavorless swallow. He thrusted his phone and his portable Teclor Synthesis into a bag. At the door, he shrugged on his coat, threw his satchel over his shoulder, and grabbed a small band which he put around his wrist. He looked down, checking for notifications while he walked down the hall. One stood out to him: Personal Maglevs out of commission due to snow. He would have to take the train.
He stepped out into the frigid air with a shiver and waited a moment for the heaters in his coat to adjust to the cold. It was a short walk to where he would usually have called a personal Maglev, but the train station wasn’t much farther. The tracks for the Maglev train were the priority for snow clearing, and so a nice, personal Maglev all to himself was unavailable. Snow was piling up fast, already burying his feet. He really should have worn his boots. ‘Should try a summer simulation,’ Milo thought, ‘Sweltering, hot, and on a beach. Maybe even a cruise.’ He joined the stream of people heading toward the Maglev train station, getting jostled from every angle as the crowd rushed.
Minutes later he entered the station, and the humming coming from his coat faded out as it once again adjusted to the temperature. He walked past the many vendors looking for customers in the warmth of the station and made his way to the Maglev train gate. He lifted his arm and hovered the band on his wrist over a small screen. A quiet ding sounded and the gate opened for him.
Walking through, Milo made his way over to the Maglev train and the steady stream of people making their way onto the long, metallic vehicle. He stepped through the door and headed down the cushy walkway already itching to grab his portable Teclor device. He eyed one of the seats, imagining getting comfortable on the cushioned seat and losing himself to the world he had left earlier that morning. After a long moment of fidgeting, Milo was able to sneak around someone packing a bag into the overhead storage and steal his seat. He checked his wristband to make sure it would notify him when he reached his destination and went to grab his portable Teclor device from his bag. He greedily powered it up and was about to snatch the headpiece when a sound interrupted him.
From the row across from him, a loud groan sounded. Milo glanced to the left and saw a short woman with ridiculously frizzy hair held back by a bandana on the cushioned seat across from him. He fingered his portable Synthesis, trying to bring his attention back to it. The sound of rummaging brought his gaze back up to see her digging through her bag. Her brows were furrowed and her lip was caught between her teeth. With a deep breath, he turned and asked, “You lose something?”
The woman jumped, clearly not having seen him. She turned toward him, still grappling around in her bag. “Ah, I can’t find my portable Teclor Synthesis.”
He didn’t say anything. Milo half expected the world to pause as it waited for his response, giving him a couple of ideas and examples. It did not, and so he stayed silent.
Across from him, the woman seemed to have forgotten about him, focusing on digging through her bag. Then she spoke up, “I was at an outstanding part! I had just gotten home from a date and was going to change into my pajamas and watch a couple of episodes of my favorite show. But, of course, I would never be able to concentrate even after such an incredible plot twist, because I was just so elated and happy and, and, well, because I had just had a wonderful time.” She took a deep breath and continued, “but then I woke up, and it was time to go off to fun, fun, work, but I still had my portable Synthesis so I could go back while on the train. But then I didn’t, because I think I have forgotten it at home, and here I am.” She was still going through her bag.
Milo didn’t say a word. He blinked and tried to take the barrage of words in.
The woman finally looked up at him, “Sorry, that was a lot, what is your name?”
He jolted back to the conversation and tried to remember what exactly his name was, “Uh, Milo.”
“Cammie.”
Ok! I’m excited to see it! 🙂
Glad to hear it’s not that creepy! I know writing dystopian can be hard, (My current WIP is dystopian) But I think it has so many good theme potentials. Going through hardship grows us and our characters 🙂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
I like how you get into the action right away. I might point something out that’s completely irrelevant for the fact it’s just one chapter (not much you can include).
I like how the descriptions of Cammie help you understand what Milo is feeling. You don’t just get a outside description (hair color and whatnot) but instead how she is perceived by Milo. I didn’t catch any description of Milo’s appearance, It might be good to include that soon.
Idk how much of the outside world you are including, but it might be worth noting how they got to this point. It’s okay if that just never comes into play, though. I felt really curious what world events led to people having addiction like that.
In my WIP I’m really trying to develop the understanding of why the mc’s live underground, and the politics of what happened. It’s not something everyone wants to dive into and it can get complicated, but it’s a great way to include a theme. I’m using political division gone extreme in my story to have a underlying theme of how dangerous division can be. Anyways, thanks for sharing!! 😁
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Thanks! Also, it’s not dystopian as I usually picture it (as in the government is clearly up to things and there is a lot of death). I think it is a little closer to Fahrenheit 451 in that it has more social problems than government problems. But not even that, though. My best explanation would be Sci-Fi with obvious social problems, just not as much death and suffering as dystopian. So I’ll just say dystopian romance. 😐 I’m making this up, but maybe light-dystopian?
Thank you so much for reading it!
So, Milo’s features. I didn’t actually think about it until I was making character charts so I’ll probably go back and add it.
A lot of it will actually take place in the outside world, more and more as Milo uses the simulation less. But outside outside not as much. The simulation was made by the company Milo works at and there are some things that go into its history, but not much as of now.
Your WIP sounds really cool, too! I agree that a strong theme is really important. The most obvious is addiction (after romance, I guess) to anything and everything and there are other smaller themes, too.
If you want, I can send you everything that I have. It’s only five chapters. Also thinking of just putting the google docs link here so I’ll have to do a whole lot less copying and pasting.
A lot of it will actually take place in the outside world, more and more as Milo uses the simulation less. But outside outside not as much. The simulation was made by the company Milo works at and there are some things that go into its history, but not much as of now.
Ok! That makes sense.
Your WIP sounds really cool, too!
Thanks! 😀
If you want, I can send you everything that I have. It’s only five chapters. Also thinking of just putting the google docs link here so I’ll have to do a whole lot less copying and pasting.
Sure! I’d love to see it!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Here’s the link to what I have so far. Thank you for reading!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aZ_X4DSJwadsDv8cEhBJE3KZ3sw2OZIuwYqjoCLV8aY/edit?usp=sharing
That was really interesting! One of the thing I really liked Elissa. She plays such a important role in giving the story hope. I would add some more description to the outside, it says it is wintry, but is it foggy? Icy? Is his breath making clouds it is so cold?
Thanks for sharing! I made comments on the google doc, and was going to post the link here, and then realized everyone would have access to my email 😂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@mineralizedwriting
Thank you so much! And thanks for the advice and edits!
Yeah, I noticed that too when I put the link to the document here. 😐 But I made it a copy of the actual document so I can probably just take the edits and then delete it. Then my email won’t stay here forever. 😆
I finally finished chapter seven! I’ve been falling behind, but now that my schedule should be clearing up a little I’ll be able to catch back up. I’ll post it here if you want to read it.
5:30. The concert was at 7:00. He would have time. Milo dropped his satchel and fell into the Synthesis Pod trying to forget about his long day of work. He rested his eyes as the top shut on top of him and the grassy opening landscape formed around him. It was slightly more vivid than with the portable Synthesis and he could even feel the blades of grass under his feet and the cold breeze, making it feel even more real. He imagined his bedroom in the simulation and it appeared around him in all of its twenty-first-century glory.
Nolan flopped onto the bed, the patterned covers bouncing along with him, and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. He opened Google and searched The Lone Bullet. A couple of concert dates and some information on an EP they were releasing popped up. He opened a photo and saw the band; three men and a woman. It wasn’t hard to figure out which one was Elissa, her avatar looked almost identical to how she looked outside. How had he not noticed?
He had almost started to zone out when he remembered to set an alarm. Milo had promised Elissa he would go, after all. Alarm set, Nolan settled back into the bed and- stared at the ceiling. What should he do? He could go see Katelyn but he didn’t have much time. Or he could always just call her. Nolan leaned over, grabbed his phone, and opened his contacts, thumb hovering over Katelyn’s name. He threw his head back into his pillow with a groan. Why couldn’t he just call?
Nolan slammed the phone down and pulled himself out of the bed. He paced from one side of the room to the other, again and again, until he stopped at the window. Nolan glanced out at the street. It looked so different than it did from his apartment window. The trees, the trees, were covered in orange, red, and yellow leaves, some already falling. He knew that soon it would get colder and all the leaves would fall. Then it would soon snow and maybe look a little bit more like it did outside. But really, it wouldn’t, because here there were trees, and there were cars with wheels and license plates attached to the front and back. It wasn’t cold or big or loud.
Nolan trudged back to the bed and collapsed into it. Here was another thing that was different; in his apartment, all he had was the Synthesis Pod. He loved the pod, but there was something oddly comforting about a bed. A bed with sheets and blankets and a huge comforter. Like the bed he was laying on now. He went to the settings page and glanced at the time that was surrounded by a plethora of other stats on a black background. Milo groaned at the reminder that he still had time to pass.
He closed his eyes and left the simulation, waking up. The top of the Synthesis Pod opened and Milo climbed out. He trudged across his room to his closet and opened it by sliding his finger over the pad on the side. The metal doors slid open to show a row of dull polos and another of khaki pants. What do you wear to a concert? Milo pulled out his phone and searched his question; what popped up was the opposite of what his own closet was filled with. He sighed, grabbed a black polo and a pair of pants, and put them on. It would have to work. Again, Milo looked at the time. 6:17.
–
The personal Maglev stopped at a curb and beyond it was a large, dome-like building. A stream of people was coming from the direction of the Maglev station and various personal Maglevs towards the dome. Milo stepped out and joined the crowd. Everyone was wearing dark clothes, many with plastic jewelry, completely contrasting Milo.
He stepped in behind a large group heading toward a security station? Milo followed as each person stepped through the screen. He opened the ticket that Elissa had sent him earlier on his wristband and scanned it on the pad beside the door, which then opened. The wristband then started directing him through the crowded halls toward his seat. It led him toward a door, which opened when he approached it, and down an aisle amidst a plethora of seats. He walked down the many steps to the floor and found his seat. Milo tucked himself down and waited while people chatted around him.
Music started playing with a bang, four people on the stage had seemingly appeared from nowhere. He looked at each one and recognized Elissa; her long hair was up in a bun and she was dressed similarly to everyone else there. Lights flashed everywhere and the musicians started floating, looking like nothing was holding them up. Milo watched as they continued playing, the people around him standing up and singing along. He stayed seated. Elissa was in the back, safe behind her drumset. Playing around her was a guitarist, a bass guitarist, and the last was on the keyboard; the same as their band in the simulation.
It was loud. So loud. Lights were bombarding his sight and people squeezed in around him. Milo tried to keep his eyes on his friend, playing along in the chaos. She looked at home there. The heavy beat of Elissa’s drums pounded loudly, out of sync with his own heartbeat. His eyes flashed toward the doors at the top of the stairs he had come from.
Milo stood. He pushed past the people dancing and singing to the music and sped up the stairs. The door opened when he approached it and slid shut behind him. The hall was silent. Some quiet chatter echoed down the metal foyer and the sound of his own breathing was amplified. Milo took a deep breath and started walking down the empty hall. He had gone around the entire building twice and was once again nearing the entrance when a rushed voice broke the silence.
“C’mon Mom! We’re already late!” That voice was familiar. Milo turned to see Cammie hurrying down the hall with another woman in tow.
She glanced up and saw him, “Milo?”
He waved awkwardly, “Hi.”
Cammie was dressed in her regular work outfit; black pants and a white blouse. Her mom was wearing similar relaxed clothes, but was evidently trying out the new plastic jewelry fashion. Cammie was dragging her down the hall toward the auditorium doors by the hand. She paused by Milo. “You’re a fan of Faith Mansion?”
What?
Seeing the confusion on his face, she said, “The band playing tonight?”
“Uh, no. The uh-” What was Elissa’s band called? It was something about bullets. Cold bullets. “The Cold Bullets.”
“Oh,” she said in understanding, “Yeah, they’re the opening band. And who I was mostly coming to see, but we might’ve missed them already.”
“I don’t think so-”
“Really!” She was already pushing past him. “Then we’d better hurry and-”
The doors opened and a crowd of shouting people flooded through. They split and headed in both directions of the hall, taking a break before the concert would begin. “Or not,” Cammie finished. Milo scrunched himself into a corner safe from the mob, Cammie and her mother joining him. They stayed there safely while the halls got more congested before eventually thinning out, the show resuming. Cammie sighed with resignation, “Well, I guess we won’t be seeing them.”
Wait. He turned to Cammie and carefully offered, “I might be able to get you backstage.”
She turned to him with wide, hopeful eyes, “Really?”
“Uh, yeah.” He opened up the directions Elissa had sent him earlier on his phone and started following them down the hall. “Follow me.” He led them to a door which he opened with his wristband, up some stairs to a second hall, and stopped at the third door on the right. Again, Milo scanned his wristband beside the door and waited a few seconds for it to open. He stepped through, Cammie and her mom still following him, and saw Elissa and her three bandmates relaxing in the room.
“Milo!” Elissa stood from the couch where she had been scrolling on her phone. “You’re here! Who are your friends?”
Cammie stepped forward and waved, “I’m Cammie. We work together and happened to bump into each other here.” She pointed to the other woman, “And this is my mom. I’m a really big fan of yours and…” Cammie dragged her off, talking without pause the whole way.
Her mom turned to Milo, “Thank you for getting us back here. I was so excited when I found out Cammie was going out.” Her eyes twinkled, “especially when she invited me along.”
“Uh, yeah. You’re welcome…”
“My name is Tasia, by the way.” She stuck out her hand and Milo hesitantly shook it.
“Milo.”
She smiled and they moved toward the couch that Elissa had left. “So,” she said, “How did you meet my daughter?”
He shrugged. “Um, well, work. I mean, on the Maglev train, but we were going to the same place.”
“Ah,” she nodded, “And how long ago was that?”
“Just about a week ago,” Milo answered. Had he really only known her for a week?
Tasia smiled to herself. “Huh.”
“You’re friends!” Cammie exclaimed from the other side of the room. She rushed over to Milo, “You’re friends with her?”
“Yeah?”
Elissa joined them, “Apparently she found it through the virtual band,” she grinned at Milo. “Guess it does work.”
“I’m disappointed I missed it,” Cammie frowned. “We should probably go to listen to the rest of the concert, though. Milo, you coming?”
“I, uh,” Should he? “Sure”
Like before, it was loud. But it was a little better in the extra spot beside Cammie and Tasia’s seats, far from the stage and biggest speakers. They both sat through the show, Cammie closing her eyes and humming along, Milo watching the lights and the stage mechanics. Beside them, Cammie’s mom was dancing and trying to sing along with the unfamiliar songs.
Love it!
I was a little confused here:
Wait. He turned to Cammie and carefully offered, “I might be able to get you backstage.”
I couldn’t tell if he was thinking “wait” or saying it or something else.
And lol, Cammie’s mom seems like a character 🤣
I like where you have it going! 😃
I have chapter 2 of my story, I think I uploaded it while everyone was busy though. If your interested it’s hiding somewhere in the forum.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Yay! Thanks!
Yeah, the wait is thinking. I usually have it italicized, but didn’t want to go through the whole thing and re-italicize after I copied it. And I forgot. Does it make more sense with it italicized?
Ooh, yay, I’ll have to go read it!
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