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Looks like I’m a bit behind, chapter 4 was good and any critiques I had of it Savannah and Trailblazer mentioned (you guys are great at critiquing btw). I will read over chapter 5 soon, probably once I get home from a trip.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Is that bad that Thaddeus seems mature, but then there are also glimpses of him being childish, or do I need to go with one or the other? Also, are there particular times when what he says seems overly mature?
I don’t think it’s bad to show maturity and then have him resume normal childhood behavior. It just seemed like he was swinging from extremes a little bit- from speaking like an adult to then sleeping on Flavia’s lap, which to me seems more like something a six-year-old would do. I don’t usually see ten-year-olds doing that, but I could definitely see him leaning on her shoulder or something.
Ah…. Do you think that would be confusing? I thought it would be self-explanatory who he was talking about because of the context, but maybe not? Do you think I should change it?
I think that would depend on who your target audience is and how much they understand, but for the sake of consistency, I’d say just use Jesus or Dragon Slayer, or if you decide to keep Prince of Life, maybe do something like this the first time you mention it: Jesus Christ, the Prince of Life.
As for Marcus, I think I’ll have to see some more of the story play out before I have more thoughts!
Really? I feel like I’m going super slow….. lol. yesterday felt a little more like my normal game. My record was twenty chapters in one day. I was sick though, and so didn’t have to do anything else that day.
That is fast… when I’m sick I usually don’t feel well enough to get any writing done at all. I’m not usually counting my writing by chapters at first though, but still.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
speaking like an adult to then sleeping on Flavia’s lap, which to me seems more like something a six-year-old would do.
Ok, that makes sense. I can switch him to leaning on her shoulder.
maybe do something like this the first time you mention it: Jesus Christ, the Prince of Life.
I like that. Sounds good. Thanks!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I was mostly asking about what happens in your story, rather than the details about why you wrote it and the theme.
It’s okay, I’m bad at explaining my stories…I end up confusing EVERYONE..
Do you have everything that happens in your story written out?
Like an outline/plot?
ALSO GIRL HOW DO YOU WRITE 20 CHAPTERS IN A DAY
SOME DAYS I CAN’T EVEN WRITE ONE!!!
How much time do you have?!? How do you have enough time to write 20 chapters in a day?! There was a while I didn’t write for a month because I was almost never home…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333No, i don’t have anything written out. I mean, I know what’s going to happen, but I really don’t want to say. However, if you need me to tell you for editing purposes then I will.
ALSO GIRL HOW DO YOU WRITE 20 CHAPTERS IN A DAY
Well, there has never been a day when I can’t write. If I don’t have time to write it out on the computer, then I’m working on it in my head. I always know what I’m going to write before I write it, which helps. I am also home schooled, and mom gives me the list of subjects I have to do in a day, and then I work on them as fast or slow as I like. I like to go fast, and reading and writing never take long for me. So, in winter I wake up at 5:00 and get school done by 10:00, do housework, and then I can write. In the summer, I wake up early and get to writing, and then I have housework and stuff, but we don’t really go a lot of places. Most of our days are spent at home. I did 20 chapters that day because I was sick, and had nothing else I needed to do. That was rare. Mostly it’s between 5 and 10.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
No, i don’t have anything written out. I mean, I know what’s going to happen, but I really don’t want to say. However, if you need me to tell you for editing purposes then I will.
Okay…you need to write it out in an organized plot.
I know it’s boring and annoying, but before you write anymore, you really should start writing and planning it out. I used to think I didn’t need to write anything out because it was all in my head, but my novels got sooo confusing and all over the place! Once I started plotting, even just a little bit, and writing things down, everything got so much clearer.
However, if you need me to tell you for editing purposes then I will.
If you don’t want to it’s okay…but I have several thoughts that I don’t know will be helpful or not since I don’t know the plot.
So what I’m trying to say is…I could help you a lot more if I knew what is going to happen…ALL the details XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Well, there has never been a day when I can’t write.
Girl, I wish. I go to public school and so I leave at 7:30 and don’t get back home until almost 5, and that’s without sports and plays and other things! When volleyball starts I won’t get home until like 7:30!!!!
What grade are you in? I honestly assumed you were graduated lol
Most of the time I know what I’m going to write too…but then I end up writing something completely different! The characters always have other plans…🙄
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Well, I have my main points written out. But not the WHOLE thing. Like I know where I’m going with all this, and I know the main plot twists, climax, ending, all that. I didn’t just write the whole plot though. It’s more in like bullet points, if that makes sense.
I’m about to be a senior. Nope, not graduated yet. Almost!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Ohhh okay that makes sense. I thought you meant that you had nothing written out XD
I did that too, with bullet points, it works lol
Can you share the plot with me then? It would really help me lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333ok, here is chapter four. It’s a little shorter then the others.
Chapter 6
“My lord Julius, wake up my lord.”
Julius slowly opened his eyes and looked about him. He was not in his bedroom. Sitting up, he saw that he was on one of the couches in the sitting room. His neck and shoulder felt stiff and achy, and he knew he was in for a headache due top whatever weird position he fell to sleep in. “What is it?” he groaned, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.
“Lord Marcus has returned.”
Julius sprang to his feet. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“He has only just arrived, my lord. He is in the dining hall––”
Julius didn’t wait to here more. He ran into the other room and found Marcus eating breakfast. Marcus saw Julius and stood up. The next moment Julius practically tackled him. “Marcus! You devilish imp! How dare you scare me like that!”
Marcus laughed wearily. “I told you where I was.”
“No, you left a message saying you were searching for answers, whatever that means, and then you run off and don’t come back all day and night!”
Marcus slowly sat down again and rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t know you’d be worried. I’m sorry.”
Julius slowly sat across from him. He saw Marcus was a little pale, as if he was completely worn down, and his eyes had dark shadows under them. Still, there was something about him… something very much alive.
“Where did you go? What happened?” asked Julius.
“I went to go find answers about the Christians,” replied Marcus.
“Hush!” warned Julius. “Don’t mention that name so loud.”
Marcus nodded and took a long drink of water.
“Well?” probed Julius.
“Well, I have heard what other people think of them, but I knew that the only people who could tell me the truth of what they believed, were them.”
Julius started. What has he done! He glanced toward the kitchen where two of the slaves were working. Clearing hos throat, he raised his voice. “Tarquin.”
One of the men he had sent looking for Marcus stepped into the room. “My lord?”
“Take all the slaves out into the garden and wait there until I give leave.”
The slave bowed and left the room. A few minutes later, the house was strangely silent. Julius turned to face Marcus, the sound of his movement amplified by the stillness. “You went to them?”
Marcus nodded calmly.
“Marcus! What if you had been seen? Do you know what that could bring to your family name? To my family name?”
“I was not seen,” replied Marcus. “I went down into the Catacombs.”
“The–––” Julius broke off and stared at him in shock. “Marcus! But… how?”
“One of them led me down there.”
“And they didn’t kill you?”
“I don’t think so. Apparently, I’m still here,” replied Marcus, dryly.
Julius was to upset to notice. “Marcus, what if someone saw you go down there? What if… oh Marcus! How could you?”
“I needed to know the truth, and so I went to find it,” replied Marcus.
“You and your truth seeking! You’re bound to get into trouble! Do you know how many times I asked the gods to jeep you safe last night? You must have given them a handful. One of theses days their just going to let you reap the reward of all this foolishness. Last night I kept them busy looking out for you! Mercury, Janus, Nox, Apollo–––”
“They aren’t real.”
Julius froze, staring at Marcus in horror. For a moment he wasn’t sure if he had heard right. I can’t have. Marcus would never! Julius acted as though the air around him was poisonous to breathe. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. Finally he took in a gasping breath and cried, “Marcus! How dare you! Do you know what you just said?”
“Yes I do,” replied Marcus, firmly. “I always suspected it, but now I know. What we have been told, what we have believed, it’s all a lie.”
Julius couldn’t respond. For a moment he considered jumping up and nocking some sense into his friend, but all the strength had seemed to drain from him, and all he could do was stare.
Marcus waited a moment, and then went on. “Julius, down there, I came to know the truth. I found light! All my life I have been fumbling about in a fog, and now I can finally see. The one true God reached down and pulled me out of a raging sea of lies.”
“What are you saying?” asked Julius, his voice no more then a hoarse whisper.
“I’m saying that I believe in the one true God of the Christians.”
“You would turn your back on all that you’ve ever believed?”
“Gladly,” replied Marcus.
Julius tried to speak, but couldn’t.
“Julius, if you only knew, you would believe too! Oh it’s all so wonderful and so… so true! I have never know so much peace and joy in my life! Julius, there is only one God, but He loves us! He actually loves each one of us. He cares for us, helps us, and listens to us. He loved us so much, that even when we rebelled, He died for us! Last night I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t! I spent those hours pouring over the words of God, and speaking with the leaders of the Christians. Still, I could not get enough! I have barely even begun to taste the joy and freedom that I have found. Let me tell you––”
“Enough!” yelled Julius, springing to his feet.
“Julius––”
“Enough! Don’t say another word!” commanded Julius, breathing hard. “Marcus, I don’t know what to do with you! The danger and the curse you have brought here! No, we are done with this foolishness. I’ll go call the servants. We are going to pack and leave to join my family in the country. Some fresh air and a change of surroundings will hopefully cure you of this.”
“Julius, I’m not going,” replied Marcus.
“What do you mean?” demanded Julius.
Marcus stood up. “I’m not leaving. This is not some fancy of mine. This is truth, Julius. Real, pure, powerful truth. This is what I believe. I will never change.”
“Marcus, you only just heard of this last night.”
“I only just heard the truth, but God has been calling me all my life. Last night, I saw everything clearly. How could I not believe?”
Julius slammed a fist on the table. “Marcus! Stop this! Do you know what would happen to you if this was discovered? Your father’s name would offer no shield from the rage of the Prætorian and Nero.”
Marcus was quiet for a long moment. At last, he looked up. “If I must die for this then… then I know I will be given strength.”
Julius tried to yell back at him, but he couldn’t make his voice work. For a long moment he stared at him, and the longer he watched Marcus standing there so sure and steady, the more he envied his courage. The more he envied his courage, the more he hated Marcus for having it. At last he spoke, forcing the words through his teeth. “Get. Out.”
Marcus looked up at him in surprise.
“Get out! Now! You are no longer welcome here until you give up this foolishness!” yelled Julius.
Marcus seemed stunned, but slowly a look of resigned acceptance came to his face. He nodded and turned. Marcus took two steps, and then stopped. Looking down at his hand, he twisted his father’s signet ring from his finger. He turned back and held it out to Julius. “If ever you need me, send a servant to put this at the tomb of Cæcilia Metella. I will find a way to contact you.”
Julius glared at him, refusing to take the ring.
Marcus nodded and placed it on the table. Then he turned and walked from the room. Never to return.
Julius watched him go, anger, hate, fear, and grief raging inside of him into a roaring sea of storms he could not contain. Soon lies bred of this storm began to fill his mind. Marcus betrayed me! He hates me! He did this to hurt me on purpose! Look at all I did for him, and he responds with this!
Julius clenched his fists in rage. “Curse you Marcus!” he yelled. “May Pluto take you! May Erebus blind you! May Perses destroy all you love! May the Algea bring pain to you all your life! Curse the friendship we had! Curse the day I welcomed you into my home!”
With a yell Julius slammed his hands against the table and wept as grief for the loss of his friend flooded into the anger.
Marcus’s signet ring, jolted by the blow to the table, fell and bounced to floor, where it lay glittering in the early morning light.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
oh ok fine. Here we go.
SPOILERS FOR ANY SENSIBLE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM TO SKIP!!! LOLLOLOL
- Introduction of Marcus and Julius.
- inciting moment. (Lucius dies)
- Marcus starts to seek the truth
- Marcus finds the Catacombs (note. start showing differences in the beliefs. i.e. grave inscriptions.)
- Marcus first notices Flavia. (She’s a pretty girl. He’s a guy. He’ll notice here. Contrast her beauty too.)
- Marcus hears the truth
- Marcus believes
- Julius rejects Marcus and his beliefs. Satan gets a hold of him and drives him to wrath against Marcus.
- Marcus leaves a way for Julius to contact him. (Make it something important/meaningful)
- Marcus returns to Catacombs.
- Marcus lives with the Christians and begins a relationship with Flavia.
- Maybe show some with Julius…. maybe drop him for now and focus on Marcus.
- Marcus marries Flavia
- Julius has a slight change of heart. (something needs to spark it though. Come back to this later.)
- Julius goes to the tomb himself, or maybe leaves object. (Still thinking though. Need to finalize.)
- Julius and Marcus meet again and Marcus has Flavia with him. (Maybe Thaddeus too. Hmm. Think about that a little. why would they be there. Flavia needs to be there because of plot later. Note: Questions to ask: Why would Marcus bring them since this is dangerous. he doesn’t fully trust Julius and knows it could be a trap? Is there meeting an accident? Does someone else bring Julius to Marcus and Flavia while they are out of the Catacombs in the abandoned house? why are they there in the first place? Questions questions. always more of them. Keep these in mind. It will effect everything)
- Julius and Marcus start talking, Marcus starts explaining the gospel again, and this time Julius is unhappy but not violent.
- Someone tops off the Prætorian and they arrest Marcus, Julius, Flavia, (maybe Thad. If Thad is there, Marcus might make it so he escapes, or maybe he’s captured too. Interesting angels on that one. need to think a little. see how things develop.)
- Julius is not a believer, but of course the Prætorian aren’t asking questions. Julius tells them, they don’t believe him, all three are imprisoned in the vaults of the arena.
- Marcus and Flavia, (and maybe Thad) are not very frightened by this. it was expected.
- Julius is scared. Julius is mad. Julius blames everyone. Julius is sulky. Julius is mad that the others are not scared. ect. ect.
- Marcus gets a chance to talk to Julius again about his faith, and Julius actually listens. God is working on him, but Julius is still resistant.
- Marcus and Flavia, (Thad maybe) die.
- Julius faces the ultimate decision.
Well, there you go. Sorry for my rambling thoughts and notes to myself throughout. I never promised it would be understandable. lol.
Hope that’s helpful.
Btw, how was chapter 6? I think I called it Chapter 4 on accident. whoops. anyways, I tried to implement some of what y’all have been saying into the conversation.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
“I don’t think so. Apparently, I’m still here,” replied Marcus, dryly.
I love this 😂
Okay, chapter 4, 5, and 6 were all good, although I think there could be some more body language (such as in chapter 6).
Also, in chapter 6, you could have Julius have his thoughts of grief conflicting with his angry thoughts, his angry thoughts winning for a bit, then ultimately the grief taking over. The chapters were good though, your doing great!!
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Do you know how long your novel is supposed to be?? Like is it a novella or a full length novel?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Sorry for my never-ending questions…just trying to get some context before I share my thoughts XD XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thank you so much!!! haha, I’m glad you liked that. Most times I write funny things and then wait in anticipation for the reader rto laugh. They look at me and are like “what? what am I supposed to laugh about?”
More body language. That goes to the notes on the side. Thanks. Ah, more conflicting emotions. got it.
My guess is a novella, but I never know until I fully finish. Sometimes a plot twist or relationship takes longer to build then I thought it would.
You have me on edge girl! What are you about to say?? Tell me your thoughts! lol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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