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Girl your suggestions were good, though! I haven’t done much research on starting off a book, so it sounds like you have more tools under your belt in that area than I do.
Thank you! That’s good, I guess…xD
I still think you should keep the fountain scene! I loved that! Just maybe put it after the Colosseum? Maybe have them “fighting” trigger Marcus and make him think of the Colosseum, and then he starts acting weird?
Just a thought xD
And as for the second chapter…the dialogue (for me at least) between Marcus and Ignatius seemed to get mundane. Maybe if you showed Marcus’ thoughts as they were speaking, it would add depth?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I know you’re probably busy…but would you like to help me and give me some tips on some of my writing as well?? We could be critique partners, if you’re up for that!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Yay! I’m glad the second chapter was smoother.
Ah, I’ll keep that in mind. I was trying to portray that Ignatius just thought that Marcus was a scholar and was inquisitive. I guess I need to make that a little clearer. Thanks!
That’s an idea! I felt like the dialogue was a little tiresome near the end, but it was all important and I couldn’t find a way to brake it up! Add more of Marcus’ thoughts! Also, what about some things going on in the streets around them? would that help?
Hmm, fountain after that? That could be a good idea! I like the fountain scene at the beginning of chapter two.
know you’re probably busy…but would you like to help me and give me some tips on some of my writing as well?? We could be critique partners, if you’re up for that!
Am I up for that?!?!? I would LOVE to!! I’m not really busy at all. I mean, I am, but not too busy to help! I would love it!
OK, I have Chapter 3 ready to send. See if I broke up the dialogue in this one a bit better.
I don’t know if I love this chapter yet, so I’m open to thoughts. Now that I have y’all, I’m starting to really take a critical look at this book WHILE I’m writing it instead of after. It’s helpful to make changes now rather then at the end.
Chapter 3
It did not take Marcus long to reach the Appian Way. The famous road was lined on both sides by the tombs of the fallen; the last resting places of great heroes, nobles, and scholars. As Marcus walked softly down the path, he looked about him at the scenery. Ahead, the arch of Drusus spanned the road, to one side was the grotto of Egeria. He came upon the place where Hannibal had stood and hurled his javelin at the walls of Rome. The long lines of tombs went on and on until they met the pyramid of Caius Cestius.
The sounds of the city drifted down the path, but it seemed strangely muted, and the deeper Marcus went, the quieter everything became. He looked forward and saw before him the temples, the distant white sheen of the palace, the many domes and towers that rose above the city, and high above all, the Capitoline mount, crowned with the temple of Jove.
But none of this could compare to the eery splendor of the City of the Dead.
Marcus was not a someone given to superstition and belief in spirits or ghosts. However, he couldn’t help but glance over his shoulder several times as he made his way down the path. This place was like none he had ever encountered. It seemed that the sunlight itself had been dimmed and everything about him was in grey shadow.
At last, Marcus came upon the huge tower standing more then two miles from the gate. It was decorated beautifully yet simply with many carvings. It’s severe style and solid strength seemed to Marcus to be a sort of rebellion against time itself. Here he paused to look about and get his bearings.
What did Ignatius say? ‘About two miles down the Appian Way. A place near the tomb of Cæcilia Metella, the large round tower, you must know the place.’
Well, I have found the tomb. Where are the Christians?
Marcus leaned against the tomb and looked about. It had already taken longer then he had anticipated to reach the place. Now, there was no sign whatsoever of the ones he sought. He began to scan the ground for a trap door or hole, but there was nothing. It must be farther down.
Marcus began his trek deeper into the pathways of tombs. For several hours he wondered in and out, walking among the towers and shadowed paths. Yet, for all his searching, not a sign of what he sought was viable. It was noon when Marcus sat down to rest. He was frustrated, hungry, and tired. “How can it be so invisible? Where are they hiding?”
Marcus stood up, driven by his annoyance and his desperate need to find the truth. He knew if he gave up, he would never find the courage to come back down here again. Perhaps they have made marks or signs on the tombs.
Marcus began to search along the walls around him. The shadows grew longer, and the City of the Dead became darker. Marcus did not find any signs or hidden messages, but his eyes were drawn to the inscriptions carved above the entrances of the tombs.
“Live for the present hour, since we are sure of nothing else”
“I lift my hand against the gods who took me away at twenty though I had done no harm”
“Once I was not, now I am not. I know nothing about it, and it is no concern of mine”
“Traveler curse me not as you pass. I am in darkness and cannot answer”
“Here, oh gods, is the son you tore from me at the age of sixteen. Have him in all your spite.”
“A soldier who served loyally. Oh why have you cast home into darkness?”
“I have a feeling that this is not what Lucius believed,” murmured Marcus. “He did not only find the power to face death, but to do so unafraid. I don’t think he believed he would be cast into darkness. He couldn’t have been so firm if he did. How is it, that my beliefs bring only darkness and anger at the end, and his does not?”
At that moment, Marcus heard a sound. Spinning about, he saw a boy darting behind one of the towers. Marcus sprinted after him. The boy glanced back and, upon seeing Marcus, broke into a dead run. Marcus raced after him, and a few moments later he caught the boy by the arm.“Wait! Where are you going?”
The boy cried out and struggled to pull away, but Marcus held on. After a moment, the child stopped fighting and stood looking at him. He could have been no older then ten, and he was small and wiry.
“Where are you going?” asked Marcus.
“I am on an errand.”
“Who are you?”
“I am Thaddeus,” replied the boy. He had calmed his breathing, but his eyes moved nervously.
“Thaddeus? I have never heard such a name,” replied Marcus.
Thaddeus shrugged, but he looked uneasy. “Sir, I must be going. My errand is important.”
“Where do you live?” asked Marcus.
“In Rome,” replied Thaddeus.
“Where were you going on your errand.”
“To a friend.”
“Where is this friend?”
“Near here.”
Marcus tightened his grip. “Now tell me the truth, do you know anything about the Catacombs?”
“I have heard of them before,” replied the boy.
Marcus clenched his free hand, trying to control his frustration. “Have you ever been in them?”
“Some of them,” replied Thaddeus, quietly.
“Do you know anyone who lives there?” asked Marcus.
“Yes, the Fossers live there,” replied Thaddeus.
He’s hiding something. He is most certainly hiding something. “Were you going to the Catacombs?” demanded Marcus.
“What business would I have there at this hour?” asked the boy, innocently.
“That’s what I would like to know,” replied Marcus.
“Why would I ever go there when it is forbidden by the new law?”
Marcus took a moment to steady himself. If he lost his temper, the child would never help him. This boy was smart. Still, Marcus knew he was hiding something. Marcus glanced about and spotted one of the temples. Turning back to Thaddeus, he spoke abruptly. “Come with me, it is evening and we must attend worship in the temple.”
The boy started a slightly, but quickly covered it. “I’m in a hurry, I must go.”
“But surely you will not neglect worship? Come, let’s go together and you can assist me.”
“I… I can’t” replied Thaddeus.
“Of course you can,” replied Marcus. Still holding the boy’s arm firmly, he started toward the temple.
“Stop!” cried Thaddeus. “Stop, I can’t go there. I’m a Christian.”
Marcus whirled about on him. “I knew it! I’ll wager your friend is as well. You know the way to them.”
Thaddeus looked at the ground and did not reply.
“I need you to show me the entrance,” said Marcus.
“You cannot ask me to betray them.”
“I know for a fact that there are many entrances, and the soldiers know most of them. What harm can you do by showing me one?”
Thaddeus hesitated a long moment. He looked right and left, as if for an escape, and Marcus tensed. Then, the boy nodded.
Marcus followed as the boy led the way through the grey shadows. The son was going down, casting a strange light over everything, and for a moment Marcus wondered if he dare go on with his quest. He shoved the doubt aside and followed. At last the boy turned off the Appian Way. They walked among the tombs and abandoned houses for a time. Thaddeus came to one house and entered. They descended the rickety stairway into the cellar. Here they came to a trap door in the floor. Thaddeus pointed to it and then turned to go. Marcus stepped in his way. “I want to go down there.”
“You wouldn’t dare to go alone. You would get lost,” replied Thaddeus.
“That is why you will lead me.”
“I don’t have a torch.”
“Then you and I will go home and get one.”
“No, I won’t do it,” replied Thaddeus. “I will not take you down there.”
“Why?”
“My family and friends live down there. I cannot betray them into the hands of the soldiers.”
“I am no soldier,” replied Marcus.
“But you may be a spy, and even if you are not, you will tell them.”
“I won’t,” assured Marcus.
“I don’t trust you,” replied Thaddeus. “I cannot take you down there. I would rather die.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying. You can hardly know what death is,” replied Marcus, bitterly.
Thaddeus looked up at him, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “I know what death is. How can I not when but a few days ago I watch my brother die to the cheers of people like you.”
Marcus looked at him in surprise. “You are Lucius’ brother?”
Thaddeus nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
Marcus felt a great wave of pity for this boy. He dropped to one knee and placed his hand on Thaddeus’ shoulder. “Thaddeus, you must believe me when I tell you that I am so, so sorry about what happened. Your brother was a good man, and he should not have died like that.”
“How do you know that?” asked Thaddeus.
“I saw it in him. He was not evil like they say. I am sure of it.”
Thaddeus wiped at his eyes again and took a deep breath. “For his sake, let me go.”
Marcus hesitated. How can I continue to terrify this child after what has happened? But I need the truth! He’ll never tell you. Marcus took in a breath. “Thaddeus, I’m going to speak to you man to man. When I saw Lucius… well, something changed. All my life I have been seeking something that I don’t even know if it’s real, but when I saw your brother, I knew that he had what I sought. I have tried to find out more. I even asked a Prætorian about you.”
Thaddeus stiffened.
“He told me about how you were evil, my friend told me the same. Everywhere, I see nothing but hate for you, yet they say that you are the ones who hate. Lucius wasn’t full of hatred. Thaddeus, I need to know the truth, and I think you and your friends are the only ones who can help me.”
“Does the Prætorian know you’re here?” asked Thaddeus.
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Does anyone?”
“No.”
Thaddeus bit his lower lip.
“Thaddeus, once I’m down there I am in your power. I could never find my way back. I would be your prisoner.”
“You truly seek to know Christ?”
“I seek to know the truth.”
Thaddeus nodded. “Come then, there is no need to get a torch. I know the way. Follow me carefully” He lifted the trap door and climbed down the ladder below. Marcus followed him, closing the door above them and plunging the world into darkness.
“Yes, the Fossers live there,” replied Thaddeus.
He’s hiding something. He is most certainly hiding something. “Were you going to the Catacombs?” demanded Marcus.
“What business would I have there at this hour?” asked the boy, innocently.
“That’s what I would like to know,” replied Marcus.
“Why would I ever go there when it is forbidden by the new law?”
Marcus took a moment to steady himself. If he lost his temper, the child would never help him. This boy was smart. Still, Marcus knew he was hiding something. Marcus glanced about and spotted one of the temples. Turning back to Thaddeus, he spoke abruptly. “Come with me, it is evening and we must attend worship in the temple.”
The boy started a slightly, but quickly covered it. “I’m in a hurry, I must go.”
I love what you did here! Much better!
“You wouldn’t dare to go alone. You would get lost,” replied Thaddeus.
“That is why you will lead me.”
“I don’t have a torch.”
“Then you and I will go home and get one.”
“No, I won’t do it,” replied Thaddeus. “I will not take you down there.”
“Why?”
“My family and friends live down there. I cannot betray them into the hands of the soldiers.”
“I am no soldier,” replied Marcus.
“But you may be a spy, and even if you are not, you will tell them.”
“I won’t,” assured Marcus.
You could still add more details here to break it up. You could add Thaddeus’s body language, or Marcus’s.
Maybe something like this:
“You wouldn’t dare to go alone,” scoffed Thaddeus, shaking his head. “You would get lost.”
“That is why you will lead me,” Marcus felt his frustration rising. I’m not leaving until he takes me down there.
“I don’t have a torch,” the boy protested, holding out his empty hands.
“Then you and I will go home and get one,” Marcus insisted.
“No, I won’t do it,” replied Thaddeus earnestly. Marcus couldn’t help but notice his voice waver. “I will not take you down there.” He held his head up high, looking Marcus in the eyes.
But still Marcus persisted.
He narrowed his eyes. “Why?”
“My family and friends live down there! I cannot betray them into the hands of the soldiers,” Thaddeus took a step backwards, glancing quickly about as if for a way of escape, like a cornered animal of prey.
“I am no soldier,” replied Marcus, trying to relieve his fears.
“But you may be a spy, and even if you are not, you will tell them!” He eyed Marcus warily.
“I won’t,” Marcus promised.
You could also add background things like you suggested…maybe show a breeze “ruffling Marcus’s hair” or show the sun beating down on them or something like that!
“Does the Prætorian know you’re here?” asked Thaddeus.
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Does anyone?”
“No.”
Thaddeus bit his lower lip.
“Thaddeus, once I’m down there I am in your power. I could never find my way back. I would be your prisoner.”
“You truly seek to know Christ?”
“I seek to know the truth.”
This got a little tiresome too…but only because the rest of your dialogue was also like this. If you broke the rest up, you should be able to keep this the same.
About critique partners….I will tag you where I posted the first chapter!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Aaaaand here’s chapter 4!!
Chapter 4
Julius paced back and forth near the window overlooking the street. Where is he? Why did he leave like that? What has gotten into him? “Curse that wretched Lucius!”
Julius slammed his fist against his palm several times. He spun on his heal and stalked down into the dining room. The slave girl who had given him the message was there, setting the table for the evening meal. “What did Marcus take with him?” demanded Julius.
She jumped in surprise. “Why my lord, my lord Marcus took nothing but some bread and cheese.”
“Is the message you told me all that he said?”
“Yes my lord.”
“The minute either one of the men I sent out returns i want them to report to me.” ordered Julius.
She dipped her head in acknowledgment, and Julius went back to the window to watch.
***
Marcus blinked in the darkness. He climbed carefully down the ladder and stepped onto the ground. Something touched his hand and he started. “Don’t worry, it’s just me,” came Thaddeus’ voice. “Take my hand and keep your free hand against the wall.”
Marcus did as he was told. The two began to walk through the dark passage. After what seemed like an eternity, Thaddeus stopped and let go of Marcus. A few moment’s latter, there was a bright flash and Marcus shielded his eyes. When he could open them again, he saw Thaddeus was holding a torch. “Follow me.”
The two of them walked through the never ending tunnels, taking so many turns that Marcus was soon hopelessly lost. With the loss of direction came a loss of courage. Is this a trap? I wonder if Christians commit murder. Would it be murder, or could they say it was self deference against an intruder. Oh gods, they wouldn’t even need to say anything! No one would ever know what happened! By Jove, what if they really are evil? There must be some reason why they are all hated. Oh Salus keep me safe. Shield me.
Thaddeus slowed, and Marcus nearly ran into him. They had come to a stairway, and Thaddeus began to go down. “Where does this lead?” asked Marcus.
“To the next level.”
“Are there many levels?”
“Yes, in some places over ten.”
Marcus took a deep breath and followed. As they went down, it became colder, and Marcus wished he had brought a cloak. In fact, he wished he had brought a great many things, including his dagger.
They descended four levels deep, and then Thaddeus began to travers the passageways again. Marcus looked about him and stopped. “What is this place?”
Thaddeus turned. “These are the tombs.”
“Of Romans?”
“Many are Roman. They are all our dead.”
Marcus stared at the boy. “So many?”
Thaddeus nodded. “Lucius was not the first. Ever since the beginning, they have tried to destroy us.”
The two continued on, and Thaddeus pointed. “Read there. You will begin to understand.”
Marcus slowed so as to read the inscriptions on the walls.
Danimus. Died so that he might receive life.
Olivia. Captured. Dead. Now lives.
Poison given to Constans dared not interfere with the crown that the sword offered.
Aselus sleeps in Christ
Maximus, who lived seventeen years. A friend to men, a soldier of Christ
Vidalia, in peace.
Marcus read on and on, turning over the words in his mind as he walked. How can they say “in peace” when they have been driven down here in fear for their lives? What do they mean, “now lives”? What a difference are these compared to the inscriptions I read above! There is no anger or despair. Only a bitter-sweet beauty.
“This was one of Lucius’ favorite. He said it gave him hope, because by our actions, even the enemy was reached,” said Thaddeus.
Marcus looked up and read the inscription by the torchlight.
In Christ. In the time of the Emperor Adrian.
Marius, a young Prætorian of eighteen years.
He shed his blood for Christ and died in true peace.
Now he lives again.“A Prætorian believed?” asked Marcus, in quiet awe.
“Yes,” replied Thaddeus. “God calls many, and some come from the most unexpected places. A man named Paul was sent to kill us all, but God called him and he has become one of the greatest soldiers for Christ among us.”
“Is he here?”
“No,” replied Thaddeus. “Lucius met him once, but he has been sent away into exile. We fear Nero will soon turn his vengeance upon him, Mark, Peter, John, and the others.”
“Who are these men you speak of?” wondered Marcus.
“They are the men who walked with Jesus Himself. Come, we must go farther if you wish to know more.”
The two continued on their way, but Marcus still caught glimpses of the inscriptions on the wall.
Dominia, my sweet wife, who lived seventeen years and five months.
She sleeps in peace.Our sweet son Severess, who was born away by angles in his third year.
To Adsertor, A warrior of Christ who met death with grace.
His brother made this for him.Romulus, my beloved husband. Dear Christ, I give him to You.
Marcus shook his head slowly. No matter how hard he tried, he could not even begin to imagine having peace like this should a friend, or family member die. Where does it come from?
It was then that Marcus noticed a symbol. It was a simple fish, and adorned many of the tombs. “Thaddeus, what is this?”
Thaddeus turned and looked at the symbol. “The letters that form fish are ΙΧΘΥΣ. These are also the initials that express the glory and hope of our faith. Ι is for Jesus, Χ for Christ, Θ and Υ for Son of God, and Σ for Savior. Jesus Christ the Son of God and Savior.”
“What of the anchor?” asked Marcus.
“The anchor reminds us that we must hold to Christ, our hope, amidst the storms around us. He will hold us fast,” replied Thaddeus.
“What of A and Ω?”
“Christ is the Alpha and the Omega,” replied Thaddeus.
“You have many symbols,” mused Marcus.
“Yes. You remarked that my name was one you had never heard. It means “Gift of God.” Many of the children have such names, and we remember their meaning often. We surround ourselves with truth amidst a world of lies, and reminders of hope in the darkest places. Now come, we are almost to the place.”
***
Julius leaned against the window frame and stared out into the dim streets below. Twilight had fallen, and still there was no sign of Marcus. “Mercury, speed my call for his return to him. Bring him back before nightfall,” muttered Julius.
“My lord Julius,” came a voice from behind.
Julius turned and saw one of the men he had sent after Marcus. “Have you found anything?”
“No, my lord. No one has seen him.”
“Then go out again!” exclaimed Julius.
“My lord, it is near curfew.”
Julius turned away and shook his head. “Janus lead him back, wherever he has gone.”
The slave left at a wave of Julius’ hand, and the young man clenched his fists. “Marcus, when you get back I’ll thrash you for scaring me like this.”
***
“Thaddeus, what is that noise? Is it voices?” whispered Marcus.
“Yes,” replied Thaddeus. We are close.
It was not long before Marcus saw light at the end of a passage. Thaddeus quickened his pace, and they came to the entrance of a large room. “Flavia! I’m alright, I’m back!” exclaimed Thaddeus, bounding into the room. He was caught in a tight embrace by the most beautiful young woman Marcus had ever laid eyes on. She was dressed simply, and her brown hair was pulled into one long braid down her back. Still, Marcus could see that she was very pretty. But, it wasn’t just an outward beauty he saw. It was something more.
“Thad! Thank God you’re alright! What happened to you?”
“I was delayed,” replied Thaddeus. He motioned to where Marcus stood in the doorway. The others in the room started and the men and boys moved protectively over women and children.
“It’s alright, he won’t hurt us,” replied Thaddeus.
One of the men moved toward Marcus. “I am Caius.”
“My name is Marcus. I swear I mean you no harm,” replied Marcus.
“Why are you here?” asked Caius.
“I came because I need answers,” replied Marcus. “I need to know the truth, and I think you are the only ones who can give it to me.”
“Come and sit,” said Caius.
Marcus slowly stepped into the room and sat down. Several of those gathered quietly slipped away through side passages. Soon all that remained were three young men, Caius, Flavia, and Thaddeus.
At Caius’ urging, Markus told them all that had happened since that fateful day at the games. He explained about the longing within him, the confusion, the hope, and the desperation. When he had finished, Caius nodded thoughtfully. “Marcus, there is only one explanation for all of this. Christ Jesus has called you to come to Him.”
“Your God chose me?” asked Marcus, incredulously. “What god choses one of us? It has always been we who chose them.”
“But God created you, Marcus. He loves you so much that He died for you, and He has called you to be His.”
“I don’t understand. What god loves? What god cares? What god would die for one of us?”
“The one true God, Marcus,” replied Caius.
Marcus looked from one to the other of those in the room, and he saw sincerity on all their faces. He turned back to Caius. “Please, tell me everything.”
For some reason your comment didn’t load until just now! (I love bad internet. lol) Anyways, thank you so much for the feedback!!
Good, I’m glad I was able to incorporate some of your suggestions in that one!
Oh I love what you did in the example. Perfect. I get so caught up in making sure the info that is needed is there, that I think I lost a little depth with the story. Whoops. I haven’t ever done Historical fiction before, so I’m a little stressed about keeping things accurate to history. I am surrounded by books on Rome , roman history, and the Catacombs right now. I think my brain is getting divided between story and history. lol. I’m much better at fiction. sorry for hitting y’all with this one.
Did you see the comment I made on your prologue? I wanted to make sure it got through since the internet is being nasty over here. I didn’t have a tone of comment because it’s just the beginning, and it was a pretty solid one to! Hopefully I’ll have more comments as the story goes on.
Thanks again critique partner!!
Oh I love what you did in the example. Perfect. I get so caught up in making sure the info that is needed is there, that I think I lost a little depth with the story. Whoops. I haven’t ever done Historical fiction before, so I’m a little stressed about keeping things accurate to history. I am surrounded by books on Rome , roman history, and the Catacombs right now. I think my brain is getting divided between story and history. lol. I’m much better at fiction. sorry for hitting y’all with this one.
Thanks XD I tried!!
It’s okay! It’s only the rough draft, I know you’ll get it!
Don’t worry, it’s good to experiment and can be so much fun!
Did you see the comment I made on your prologue? I wanted to make sure it got through since the internet is being nasty over here. I didn’t have a tone of comment because it’s just the beginning, and it was a pretty solid one to! Hopefully I’ll have more comments as the story goes on.
Yes, I saw it! (: thank you so much for wanting to be critique partners, it’s going to be so much fun and helpful too!
Thanks again critique partner!!
Of course!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thanks for the encouragement. I still feel like running back to the safety of fiction, but I am determined to stick this one out.
Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on Chapter 4.
I almost have chapter five done too. I’m starting to slide into my writing roll. lol.
and here’s Chapter 5.
I hope I’m not swamping Y’all!
Chapter 5
“In the beginning, Marcus, there was nothing,” began Caius. “God, created the heavens and the earth, and all that lies in between. Then, he fashioned the first man and breathed the breath of life into him. For the man, he made a helper; the first woman. Together they lived in a beautiful garden that God created for them. They lived in harmony with all beasts, and their was no pain, death, or sorrow. God loved them, and He walked with them. However, one of the angles rebelled against God, wishing to rule instead. God cast him and his rebellion out of heaven.”
“Like when Saturn rebelled against Jove?” asked Marcus.
“No, for in your religion Saturn is also a god. Satan was not a god, but he desired to be one. It was because of this rebellion that he was cast out.”
“So, Satan is lower then God?”
“Yes, and he always has been.”
Marcus nodded thoughtfully, and Caius continued. “Then Satan, seeking to do all to destroy what God created, went to the woman. God had told Adam and Eve that they could eat of all the fruits in the garden, except one. They could not eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, or they would die. Well, disguised as a serpent, Satan went to her in order to deceive her and convince her to disobey.”
“Why, this is like Pandora!” cried Marcus in astonishment. “The first woman created by the gods! She was given a box and told never to open it, but out of spite, one of the gods convinced her to open it. Out of this all evil escaped and came into the world.”
Caius seemed to be thinking about this. “Marcus, the devil is the father of lies, and as such, he is skilled in telling them. He does not care of truth is in the lies, so long as you believe the lie, and not the truth. He twists the truth in order to trap us. The story of Pandora is indeed like the truth. It is because the truth has been twisted.”
“Then, Pandora’s story is a twisted account of the woman’s story?” asked Marcus.
Caius nodded. “The story of Pandora was inspired because of the true story, but it was twisted so that God was left out of it, and our hearts would be turned away from Him instead of towards Him. Satan is not like one of the mischievous spirits of spite in your religion. He is far more fearful and dangerous. Yet, through Christ, we have no need to fear him.”
Marcus leaned forward. “Tell me what happened.”
“Well, this serpent was not the kind that we know now. This serpent was a dragon. Eve did not call for Adam, instead she spoke alone with the dragon. He asked if God had actually said she could not eat any of the fruit in the garden. She replied no, they could eat any of the fruit, but that they could not eat the fruit of one tree, or even touch it, or they would die.”
“But God didn’t say that. He said not to eat it. He said nothing about touching,” said Marcus, in confusion.
Caius nodded. “Do you see, the truth is becoming twisted already.”
“What happened?” asked Marcus.
“The serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate.”
“She believed the dragon over the God who made and walked with her! No God has ever walked with us, yet she believed the dragon?” asked Marcus, in shock.
“Yes,” replied Caius.
“What did Adam do? Surely he slew such a wicked beast,” said Marcus.
“When Eve ate, she knew what she had done was wrong. Yet, she took the fruit to her husband, Adam. Adam was the protector of the garden, yet he had failed. The garden had been invaded by a dragon, and he had failed to protect it, and his wife. He should have fought the dragon and thrown it out. God had told Adam to care for and protect the garden and his wife, but now Eve would die. So, Adam took and ate the fruit as well.”
“Did God strike them down?” asked Marcus.
“No, He did not. But they became aware of shame. They made themselves clothing, and they ran and hid, from God. God knew what had happened, for he knows all. They tried to hide, but God called to them and asked what they had done. Adam immediately blamed Eve, trying to save himself. Eve blamed the dragon. God knew the truth. They had disobeyed, and they had failed in their calling to protect and care for the garden. Instead of killing them, God killed two animals and made clothing for Adam and Eve. God told them that now they and all their children would die. Men would hate and kill and animals would seek blood. God cursed Eve with pain in childbirth, and cursed ground that Adam tended. God sent them out of the garden, and set up another protector. An angle with a sword. The angle would protect the garden from the dragon, but also from Adam and Eve.”
Marcus sat silently, watching the shadows cast by the torches. “God did not kill them at once, but showed them mercy. I have never known of a god who showed mercy.”
“It was mercy, but mercy mingled with justice, for there would be no escape from death. Do you remember in the story of Pandora’s box that she closed it before Hope could get free?”
Marcus nodded.
“That is another one of Satan’s lies. This story was not without Hope.”
“I don’t see it,” replied Marcus.
“You will,” replied Caius. “Eve’s children always fought the children of the dragon, as God promised. But, God promised something more. One day, Eve’s greatest child was born, and he was a Dragon Slayer. Like Adam, he rose from the dirt, but he became a great king and remade the world. He undid all the evil that Adam and Eve had done. The Dragon bruised his heal, but he crushed the dragon’s head.”
Marcus had heard many legends and myths, but never had his heart raced like this. Never had he been so thirsty to hear more. “Tell me about the Dragon Slayer.”
“The Dragon Slayer was the Son of God, Jesus Christ, borne to a virgin. He was God and man all at once. The dragon tempted him, just as he had tempted Eve and all her children. He claimed to have power higher then Jesus, for he claimed that he could give Jesus the world if He would bow.”
“He didn’t though?” asked Marcus, anxiously.
“No, He did not. He lived a perfect sinless life, and not once did he fall for the schemes of the Dragon. Then, he was betrayed by his friend, handed over to the Romans, and killed.”
“What!” gasped Marcus, in shock. “But I thought He was the Dragon Slayer! What happened to the promise of a Dragon Slayer if the Dragon won?” Marcus didn’t know why, but he felt betrayed and tricked. I should have known it was too good to be true!
“That’s what many thought. The Dragon believed he had won, and many feared it was true. None of us knew that the moment the Prince if Life breathed his last breath, the fatal blow was struck, and the Dragon’s head was crushed. You see, the only way for us to come back to God was if we were redeemed. The only way to take the penalty of death from our heads, was if someone payed the price. None of Eve’s children could do it, because they were under the penalty. They all sinned. It was only Jesus, who lived a sinless life, who could pay the prince. For three days, he was in the grave, and for three days, the Dragon celebrated his victory. On the third day, The Prince of Life, who defeated sin and even death itself, rose again, and the Dragon knew that it was over.”
“Then if death and sin were defeated, why have things not gone back to the way they were in the garden?” wondered Marcus.
“Because, even in his last moments, the dragon is thrashing. As he dies, he tries to take all he can down with him. The victory is won, but it has yet to be completed. One day, Christ will return, and on that day, it will be as it was in the garden.”
“Return? Where has he gone?”
“Back to His Father, to prepare a place for those who believe. If any call upon the name of the Lord, they will be saved. Those who believe in Christ shall be cleansed of their sin, and given eternal life with Him.”
Marcus was confused. “But then why did Lucius and the others die?”
“We must all taste death because we live in a fallen world and death is the curse of this world. However, after death, we receive eternal life,” replied Caius.
“Death is a shadow, Marcus,” said Flavia.
Marcus turned to look at her. Flavia’s dark eyes were filled with a hope that lit her whole face. “Death is just a dark doorway. Once we step through it, we receive eternal life! We live with Christ forever!”
She really believes what she’s saying. thought Marcus. There is no doubt that she believes it with all her heart. “So, it is this belief that gave Lucius the courage to die?” he asked, turning back to Caius.
“Yes. When we accept Christ as our savior, He gives us the gift of his Holy Spirit. We will never be separated from him, not by any power in heaven or earth, not by life or death. Nothing can separate us from Him, and He promises to give us the strength when we are tried.”
“Then that is what I saw! When Lucius stood there with such courage, I knew it was not mortal strength,” exclaimed Marcus.
“My brother was filled with the strength of our Lord. He knew that no matter what was about to happen, nothing would separate him from Christ,” said Flavia, softly.
Marcus looked at her in surprise. Lucius’ sister? He looked to where Thaddeus slept with his head resting in her lap. His tangled brown hair matched hers perfectly, and his nose and mouth were the same shape. Now I see it. Yes, they are definitely siblings. He looked up at Flavia again. She has Lucius’ courage, I see it in her. It is her belief that makes her so beautiful.
“Marcus, read this.” Caius’ voice jolted Marcus from his thoughts, and he turned to see Caius was holding a scroll towards him.
“What is this?” asked Marcus, taking it with careful hands.
“This a copy of a first hand account of what happened at the cross, written by one of Jesus’ friends.”
Marcus carefully unrolled the parchment and began to read. As he read, Marcus felt a change coming over him. His confusion was slowly slipping away, and he felt his mind and heart opening to what he read. He had never felt such hope and peace before, and yet it was mixed with great longing.
The others watched closely, marking the change in his expression and the tears in his eyes.
As Marcus read of the cross, he could feel despair crushing him, but there was also a flicker of hope. His eyes traveled down the warn page to the account of the resurrection. Hope soured and joy burst upon him like sunlight after a storm. Marcus could hardly breathe, and he read on, his heart pounding. At last, he came to the end. Marcus slowly looked up. “These are the very words of God. I feel it in my heart,” he whispered. “I have never been so sure of anything! This is the truth!”
Flavia’s face lit up with joy, and Caius placed a hand on his shoulder. “Then do you believe?”
“How can I not?” asked Marcus, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I known now that everything you have said is true. All my life I have lived in shadows, but now I can finally see. I used to believe myself righteous compared to many, but now I can truly see that I am not. Tell me what I must do to be saved from my sin.”
“Christ came to seek the lost, and those who call upon His name will be saved,” replied Caius.
“How? How do I do that?” asked Marcus, eagerly.
“‘If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”’” quoted Caius.
“Is there nothing I can do? No gift, no offering, no quest or… or something?” pressed Marcus.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord,” replied Caius.
“Then teach me how to come to Him, for I confess that I am afraid to approach God,” said Marcus.
Caius nodded, and in the dim light of the touches that flickered far underground, the two knelt in prayer. Caius began, and as Marcus listened, he felt all his fear melting away until all that was left was a burning desire to come closer to the One who had saved him. His voice faltering at first, but growing stronger as his faith strengthened, Marcus spoke. “Lord I believe. Help me to believe! Save me from my sin and let nothing separate us! Oh help me to believe!”
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Well, there you go! Can’t wait for your thoughts, and I would also be very interested in what y’all think Julius’ reaction is going to be, based on his character.
I don’t have time right now to look through all your new stuff, but I will get to it eventually!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oh no worries!!! Whenever you get the chance!
I do have one question.
What is the plot of your story (feel free to share spoilers, I don’t mind)?
How long is your novel going to be?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Just a few quick notes-
-Thaddeus is ten, but sometimes he seems older (which is fine for him to be mature for his age, but sometimes it sounded like an adult talking) and sometimes he seems younger (when he is sleeping with his head in Flavia’s lap).
-A couple times when Caius is sharing the Gospel, he used more than one name for Jesus without telling Marcus (Dragon Slayer/Jesus is fine, because he mentions it, but I noticed randomly he referred to Jesus as the Prince of Life. Since I’m familiar with Christianity, I picked that up to mean Jesus right away, but for Marcus, who isn’t aware of all the different names for Jesus, he might think it’s another character in the story and be a little confused).
-I also feel like Marcus comes to faith really quickly. I think there could be some internal conflict- this yearning to accept this faith, but also this hesitancy wondering how it will impact his life and his friendship with Julius. I don’t know the rest of your plot, but maybe Marcus returns to Julius’s house undecided on whether he is ready to fully commit to this or not, and then a short time later (a day or two) he just can’t shake it and finally decides he’s willing to lay everything on the line.
Also I don’t know how you crank all this out so fast! Sometimes I can write a chunk at a time, but never so much of a story in such a short time.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
What is the plot of my story!!? Oh girl you can’t make me do that. I HATE spoilers. I can’t stand that. *sob* *sob*
I mean….. I guess I could try a little…… OK…. let’s see.
I guess, well…. Ah, I’m no good at this! OK, I guess it started when I overheard a conversation from a group of young men saying Christianity is week, feminine, and only for the girly-guys who can’t be apart of real groups like the football team, and would rather sing and cry in a building. Feminine? Girly-guys? No way. I think it’s because of the femininity that the church really has sort of come to. I mean, in the modern church (not all churches, but the “modern American church”) a lot of what goes on is feelings. How this feels. The modern church of America is not under attack, and so things have gone lax. Back in the olden days, they had true masculine worship. This was war. Life or death. a battlefield, and training ground for soldiers. You couldn’t be a girly-guy to stand up to the hatred and violence dealt out to the church. These men were the strongest, most courageous of men, and even their enemies saw it! I think that we are starting to lose this in some ways. I think that we are also starting to forget our history. I believe stories like this need to be told because stories have an impact.
Sooooooo, basically I wanted to tell the story of two Roman boys, their conflicting beliefs, the underground church, and the battle between the spiritual and physical enemies.
Aaaand I didn’t answer your question at all… did i? 🙁 🙁
Ack! I’m no good at this at all. It’s all in my head, and it generally never leaves my head until it’s times.
If you want me to tell you more I’ll try again.
Is that bad that Thaddeus seems mature, but then there are also glimpses of him being childish, or do I need to go with one or the other? Also, are there particular times when what he says seems overly mature?
Ah…. Do you think that would be confusing? I thought it would be self-explanatory who he was talking about because of the context, but maybe not? Do you think I should change it?
As for Marcus’ belief. I think it can happen instantly. I have read many missionary accounts where it does for some people. I think the place that Marcus was in, he was very ready. He already doubted his own gods, he was seeking their God, God had obviously been working on him, and I think the next step was easy for him to take. I do plan on creating a struggle for him as he realizes all that he is losing, and I also plan to display the unbelief of Julius, the conflict that arises between the two, and also some stories where character(s) take longer to believe after hearing. I honestly think it all depends on where God has them at that time. ya-know?
Also I don’t know how you crank all this out so fast! Sometimes I can write a chunk at a time, but never so much of a story in such a short time.
Really? I feel like I’m going super slow….. lol. yesterday felt a little more like my normal game. My record was twenty chapters in one day. I was sick though, and so didn’t have to do anything else that day.
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