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Lol! XD
Yeah, sorry if I went a little overboard on the critiques lol
I know I’m not the best at giving advice…sorry
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Girl your suggestions were good, though! I haven’t done much research on starting off a book, so it sounds like you have more tools under your belt in that area than I do.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
(looks like I’m late to the party lol)
I like the second version better, too, and the fountain/sword scene was funny! 😄
INTP.
So keep the fountain sword scene or not? Now I’m confused. lol.
No your suggestions are amazing! They are just what I have been looking for!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Ah, sorry! I was just saying it was funny, not really saying to keep it or not, lol. If you were gonna change it, that’s cool too! I might not have caught something in the earlier messages. Maybe that makes sense? Lol, sorry, I didn’t mean to be confusing! 😓😅
INTP.
No problem. Someone else mentioned it seemed out of place, and maybe use a part of it later.
Glad it was funny though!
Ok, in just a sec I’ll send chapter two. Let me skim it real quick to make sure there aren’t any horrid errors that are clearly visible. lol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Ok y’all, here’s chapter two!!
Chapter 2
“Marcus. Marcus, can you hear me?”
Marcus slowly looked up. “What?”
“Marcus, what is wrong with you?” asked Julius. His tone was playful, but his green eyes held a hint of worry.
Marcus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know. I’m fine. I guess I was just thinking.”
“About what?” asked Julius, leaning against one of the white pillars that supported the roof over the porch.
Marcus looked across the garden. “I don’t know. Nothing.”
“Was it the arena?” asked Julius, quietly.
Marcus nodded slowly.
“Marcus, you cannot pity him. He was a criminal.”
Marcus turned sharply on his friend. “Look me in the eye and say that again. Tell me again that he was a criminal and deserved to die.”
Julius looked away.
“You see, you can’t do it, because it isn’t true.”
Julius glanced at the garden wall. “Marcus, you had better come inside,” he said warily.
“Why? Are you afraid someone will hear me? Maybe this city needs someone to speak the truth for a change
“Marcus!” hissed Julius. “You cannot say things like that. Nero himself ordered the events that happened yesterday.”
Marcus stood up and turned toward the house. “Well, maybe Nero was wrong,” he muttered.
***
The rest of the day, Julius couldn’t get Marcus to do anything. Every time he suggested they go somewhere or do something, Marcus would decline ad sink back into his thoughts again. Julius was starting to get worried, but he shrugged it off as nothing. Marcus had gone into this thoughtful mood before. Julius just needed to give him a day or so and he would be back to his normal self.
However, after three days passed and Marcus had not changed, Julius decided to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. An hour after the morning meal, Julius cornered his friend in the sitting room. “Marcus, what is going on?”
“I don’t know,” replied Marcus, shaking his head as if to clear his mind.
“Marcus, something has gotten into you. You aren’t acting yourself,” pressed Julius.
Marcus seemed to be going through some inner struggle, and Julius waited impatiently for him to speak. Finally, Marcus said, “It’s what happened with Lucius.”
“Oh curse Lucius! Curse the day we ever went to those games,” spat Julius, angrily.
“I don’t curse that day,” replied Marcus.
His tone brought Julius up short. He looked at Marcus uneasily.
“Julius, if you would calm down and be quiet for a minute I would tell you whats going on. or you can storm of cursing things. Your choice.”
Julius sat down on one of the couches. “Alright, tell me.”
Marcus stood in thought for a moment. Then he began. “What happened in the amphitheater was not to my liking. I enjoy a fair fight and I enjoy the competition. That was neither. It was nothing but cowardly. To throw him to the beasts like that, what sport is in it? What purpose? What has this city come to if we cheer for the death of an unarmed youth no older then you or I?”
“It’s become the law now, Marcus. They are enemies of Rome and must be dealt with,” replied Julius, but he could not look at Marcus when he said it.
“It is the law. That is always the answer! But what did they do?”
“They are the worst of mankind.”
“So I have heard it said, but why? What proof is there?”
“Proof! Marcus were you not listening? Their crime is that they plot to destroy Rome and her beliefs! So full of hatred are they that they throw away life, as Lucius did, rather then obey the law.”
Marcus shook his head. “No, there is something wrong with all of this. What you say does not match who Lucius was.”
“Who he was? You saw him for but a few moments!”
“Yes, but it was enough,” replied Marcus. “Did you see him?”
“Of course I did.”
“No, I mean did you really see him? The look on his face, the firmness of his stride, the respect, the firmness. He was calm and honorable, but refused to do as he was told. He faced death rather then turned from what he believed. I do not call this hate and the actions of the worst of mankind. No Julius, there was no hatred in him against us.”
Julius shifted uncomfortably. “Lucius is dead, Marcus, and that’s all there is to it. Let it go.”
Marcus shook his head and sighed. “Alright, I won’t speak of this anymore. He turned and walked toward the doorway. Pausing, he looked back at Julius. “You tell me that Lucius and those like him are the offscouring of the earth? I saw Lucius face to face with a death that would try the courage of the bravest legionary, and he met it nobly. In all our history, in all the myths and legends of old, Rome could never find such a scene of devotion and courage then what happened in the arena. You tell me that they resist and hate the laws, but I did not see Lucius fight back against Nero’s ruling. He did not even curse him. Instead he turned and met hi fate with a calmness I have never seen. They have something that I could never dream of grasping.”
“Marcus! Can you hear yourself? What if someone overheard what you are saying?” exclaimed Julius.
Marcus shrugged and turned away.
“Where are you going?” asked Julius.
“I need to be alone,” replied Marcus. “Why don’t you go work on your Latin? I won’t disturb you.”
***
Marcus made his way through the crowded streets. He was still lost in the confusing war within, and he hardly noticed what was going on around him. It was sometime later that he looked up and saw he was very near the Colosseum. Marcus had no idea why he had come back here. He stood and looked at it, wondering I he should go back. Just as he was turning away, he spotted a Roman soldier not far away. He was leaning against the wall of the Colosseum and did not seem to be on duty. As Marcus drew closer, he could see it was one of the Prætorian. If anyone knows the answers it would be one of the Prætorian. thought Marcus.
Making hos way over to the young officer, Marcus paused, wondering how to proceed. It hit him all at once what an unusual thing he was doing, stopping to talk to one of the Prætorian of all people.
The officer looked up and smiled in a friendly manner. “Greetings friend, can I help you?”
Marcus felt a little more at ease. “Greetings sir, I’m Marcus,” he replied.
“And I am Ignatius. To what to I owe the unexpected honor of your visit?”
Marcus liked the soldier’s friendly nature and he found it easy to continue. “I have been thinking… well, I want to know more about Lucius.”
“Who is Lucius?” wondered Ignatius.
“The young man who died here a few days ago.”
“Ah, you mean the Christian.”
“Is that who they are?”
“Yes, that is what they are called. What is it you wish to know about them?”
“I was wondering what their crime is. I have heard they are rebels and the worst of mankind. But, what is the evidance?”
“You are a strange fellow,” grinned Ignatius. “But, I can see you mean no harm. I will tell you then. You see, it is well know that they plot against Rome. They meet secretly and plan to overthrow the laws and religion of the state. So intense is their hate for us and all we do, that they die rather then yield. They have no king or monarch, but rather a crucified Jew who they believe is alive. They show their malevolence towards us by claiming that they are the only ones who will live, and we will all die and face the wrath of their three gods who are also one.”
“Three gods, yet one?” asked Marcus.
Ignatius shrugged. “It is confusing. The city is swarming with them and the empire will soon be overrun. Mark this, the decline of our empire; the lack of devotion, the fire, the rebellions in Briton and Israel, the weakness and insubordination–– all this increases as they increase. To what else do we owe this evil if not to them?”
“But how have they caused all this?” wondered Marcus.
“By their detestable teachings and practices. They teach that the games are wrong, that their should be no separation among the classes, that our glorious religion under which we have prospered and received thousands of victories is a curse, and that our gods are nothing but statues and demons. In their teaching they aim to overthrow all morality, and they claim that anyone should and can speak to their God. From the poorest to the richest. And, that their God takes a personal interest in man, calling us His sons if we believe.”
“They believe we are the sons of the gods?” laughed Marcus, incredulously.
“Not entirely. They believe they have been adopted as sons of their God because of their faith. They keep to themselves, practicing their dark and vile arts in secret. Indeed, the secrecy is almost impenetrable, but some of us have overheard parts of their evil discourses and lewd songs.”
Marcus was quiet for a moment. At last, he spoke. “All the charges you have laid against them are grievous indeed, and I could see a need for punishment. But, you said that they keep to themselves, and little is known or heard of them. I cannot find it in myself to say that Lucius seemed like a practicer of dark arts, or one filled with such evil and hate as those you have described.”
“Are you sympathetic for these rebels?” asked Ignatius.
“No, I am just looking for answers. I am confused and I want to know the truth.”
Ignatius grinned. “Mark my words, you will be a scholar one day. However, questioning the will of Nero is not advisable.”
“Could it be possible that Nero was swayed by malicious advisers?” asked Marcus.
“I believe that what happened was entirely his own design, and I would warn you against any further questioning in that respect,” replied Ignatius, sternly.
Marcus nodded and murmured and apology.
“Well, we would soon have this problem settled, if we could but drive them out of the Catacombs,” remarked Ignatius, tactfully changing the subject.
“They are in the Catacombs?” asked Marcus.
“Yes, they have gone down there to preform their rituals far from prying eyes and far from the pure light of the sun.”
“I have heard of the Catacombs many times, but I confess I do not know much about them,” said Marcus.
“It is a subterranean district that extends to unknown bounds and depth underneath the city. The Christians fly to these Catacombs whenever there is danger, and they are in the habit of burying their dead there. Once down in the Catacombs, they are beyond the power of the State.”
“Do you know who made the Catacombs?”
“No one really knows exactly. They have existed for decades. I believe they were excavated for sand to use in cement. At present, all our cement comes from there, and the workmen bring it into the city along the great roads. They must go farther out now, because in the course of time they have dug so much that the city rests upon a honeycomb foundation.”
“Is there a regular entrance?”
“There are innumerable entrances. That is the difficulty. If there was one or perhaps five or six, we could easily block them up or wait in ambush. But, with so many ways in and out we have no idea from where to advance.”
“Is there a district suspected?”
“Yes, about two miles down the Appian Way. A place near the tomb of Cæcilia Metella, the large round tower, you must know the place. We have found many slain there, and we guess these are the Christians carried away from the amphitheater and taken for burial.”
“The guards give them back their dead?” asked Marcus, in surprise.
“Yes, it saves them the trouble of dealing with it themselves. They take them away to the district I have mentioned. However, upon the arrival of the guard, however, the Christians scatter and leave their fallen. Even this gives no help, though, for should we get into the Catacombs we will be no nearer our goal then before.”
“Why not?”
“No one could penetrate the labyrinth without assistance of those who dwell there.”
“Who lives there?”
“Fossers, and the Christians.”
“The Christians will not betray the secret?”
“No,” laughed Ignatius.
“And what of the Fossers?
“No, they will not betray them. They are nearly all believers in the Christian God and do much to help them. When we force them to lead us, they wonder about in the labyrinth until our torches burn out and the soldiers are driven crazy by fear that we will never get out. Then the Fosser calmly leads us back to the entrance. We have found one or two that will actually betray the Christians, but the Catacombs are so large, and they have enough spies that by the time we reach the place they were meeting the have vanished.”
“Then you have been in the Catacombs before?”
“Yes, and I never wish to go there again,” replied Ignatius. “It was a terrible place, devoid of all life and light. Truly these Christians must be evil to dwell in such a place.”
Marcus was quiet, but his mind was racing.
Ignatius straightened. “I had best be going, my time of rest is over. Farewell Marcus, the man of questions.”
“Farewell Ignatius, and thank you for taking the time to speak of these things with me.”
The young Prætorian saluted and walked away.
Marcus placed his hand against the cool stone of the Colosseum wall. “What do they have that I can’t seem to grasp,” he whispered. Marcus shook his head slowly. “All I have heard is opinions and thoughts, but no one knows for sure.”
There was a nagging feeling at the back of Marcus’ mind. There is only one way to find out.
Marcus felt a chill run through him. What if they are as evil as everyone says?
That’s a risk you’ll have to take.
What if I just go back to Julius and continue life as before.
Then you will be driven mad by the desperation you feel right now. This is never going to go away until you find the answers.
Marcus wavered on the brink of indecision. “No, I’m not doing it.” he said.
With that settled, he turned and ran back toward Julius’ home.
***
That night, Marcus didn’t sleep at all. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Lucius. He tossed and turned, trying in vain to forget.
Finally, at the first light of dawn, Marcus got up. He began to pace his room. “Always go to source, that’s what I’m supposed to do to find the truth,” he muttered. “But what if the source might kill me?” Marcus stopped pacing and crossed his arms. If I don’t go, I’ll never know the truth.
But Ignatius said the Catacombs are a labyrinth!
Once I’m down there the Christians are sure to kill me.
Lucius wouldn’t have.
But how do I know if the others are like him? Marcus could feel the choking grasp of desperation closing down on him. “I have to know.”
Julius quickly washed his face and yanked on a fresh tunic. Lacing his sandals he hurried into the dining room. One of the slaves was setting the table, and Marcus stopped her. “Please tell Julius that I’ll be back later. Tell him I went to go get some answers.”
She nodded and dipped her head.
Marcus snatched up some bread and cheese. He stepped outside and looked up and down the streets. Even at this early hour, they were bustling with activity and had been for several hours. Marcus heisted a moment. Then, he turned and started out for the Appian Way and the City of the Dead.
Can’t wait for y’all’s thoughts!!! Thank you again so much for all the help!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Apparently my thing didn’t post (gee, thanks Wyoh) but I think changing the fountain scene like Trailblazer and Savannah said sounds good. I thought the scene was fun though.
Oh NO!! I did! That’s awfull!!! That is so, so bad!! Ahhh!! (Maybe I overreacted, but that is a REAL pet peeve of mine!) Thank you for catching that!!
Your welcome, and same!! I thought I was nitpicking lol, but that’s something that bothers me too.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Haha, no, I cannot stand repeated words! It’s like nails on the chalkboard!
Alrighty then, I’ll swap that scene around.
How is the second chapter? Better then the first? I always find my first chapter the roughest.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I always find my first chapter the roughest.
Same, first chapters are hard.
I liked the second chapter, Marcus’ struggle is interesting. One thing though is that there are a lot of adverbs, and I think you could show a bit more body language to communicate how a character is coming off as (you don’t have to get rid of every single one though, since adverbs are a good tool to use as well).
I also found it a little odd how the guard knew so much about the Christian teachings. I know Christians were probably teaching in the streets and all over the place at that time, but maybe Ignatius could mention that he’s the heard the teachings before somewhere.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with first chapters.
Oh dear, yeah, I had better use some body language. thanks for catching that. I’ll go back and hit some of those scenes!!!
Your right, if Ignatius was a normal guard. but, Ignatius is a Prætorian. As I mentioned in the first chapter, they are the elite soldiers, and in this time it was actually one of their jobs to hunt down the Christians and discover their hiding places, their beliefs, and what they were up to. So, he would know a lot.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
As I mentioned in the first chapter, they are the elite soldiers, and in this time it was actually one of their jobs to hunt down the Christians and discover their hiding places, their beliefs, and what they were up to. So, he would know a lot.
Ohh okay, that makes a lot of sense now. I probably should have remembered that 😅
I really hate to do this again, but “wondered” was used twice again when Marcus was speaking to Ignatius.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
I really hate to do this again, but “wondered” was used twice again when Marcus was speaking to Ignatius.
No way!! I did not do that twice in a row! So sorry! haha! I normally catch that when I read back through it. thanks for pointing it out.
Oh, I’m glad the thing about Ignatius makes sense! No worries about not remembering!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
No way!! I did not do that twice in a row! So sorry! haha! I normally catch that when I read back through it. thanks for pointing it out.
Of course! I have done that too when I can’t think of any other words to substitute for said, XD.
Oh, I’m glad the thing about Ignatius makes sense! No worries about not remembering!
Oh ok thanks!
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
I do think the second chapter was a little smoother than the first! The only thing that raised questions for me was Marcus questioning Ignatius. I think you did cause Ignatius to be a bit suspicious that Marcus was sympathizing with the Christians, but I feel like all the questions he was asking would raise a little more alarm, especially to someone who is used to hunting down the Christians. I could just be making a mountain out of a molehill, but that’s what came to mind.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
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