- This topic has 111 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 2 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi all,
so, I have been working on a new book. (I started it today) I haven’t been able to get any feedback from anyone for the past year and so I actually don’t know if the stuff that I’m writing is plot and character structurally sound. I would love some feedback from y’all if you would be willing send it. (I won’t be able to speed write this one because it’s got a more complicated plot so It’ll probably take a day o two per chapter. Hopefully near the end I’ll be back to several chapters a day.)
OK, So here is the first chapter.
The main things I’m looking for at the moment would be is it intriguing, have I got a good first chapter hook. Are the characters defined, are you interested in them yet. etc. Basically all the things needed for a first chapter. This is a Rough draft, so sorry for the grammar/spelling errors. So yeah, any feedback/critiques would be great.
Chapter 1
It was 60 A.D. the fifth day of the month of Juno. In Israel, Roman troops sacked the city of Jerusalem, which resulted in the death of thousands of Jews and marked the beginning of the Jewish-Roman War. In Briton, the Celtic queen Boudica had gathered an army and risen up in rebellion of Rome. In Rome itself, Nero had become the sole ruler after the death of his mother, Agrippina. This marked the beginning of his reign of terror.
It was not long after that much of Rome was burned. Many blamed Nero, and an uprising seemed certain. Nero needed someone to blame, and it wasn’t long before he found the perfect place to shift the rage of the people.
***
Seventeen-year-old Julius wiped a cloth over the shining blade of his dagger. He turned it so that the sun caught the steal and shown out in a golden beam of light. He rubbed away a smear and then nodded in satisfaction. He returned the blade to it’s sheath with a click.
“What shall we do tomorrow?”
Julius looked over to where his best friend lounged on a couch, his legs draped over it’s arm and his sandaled feet swinging lazily. “I’m not sure,” he replied. “Do you have something in mind?”
“No really,” sighed Marcus. “I wish we could find something exciting to do.”
“This city is full of excitement,” pointed out Julius.
“That it is,” agreed Marcus. “But the house is not.”
The boys were silent, and the only sound was the breeze playing with the curtains. Julius was the eldest son of a prominent family in Rome. His mother, father, and siblings had gone away to spend the summer in their villa home. Julius had opted to stay at home to finish up his studies. Secretly, he had believed it would be more exciting. Now, he was starting to regret the idea. He had invited his best friend, Marcus, to come and stay with him. Marcus was the orphaned son of one of Rome’s great military commanders. He now lived with his uncle in the center of Rome. Marcus’s uncle was a busy man and didn’t have much time for his nephew, so Marcus had jumped at the idea to spend some time with his friend.
At first the boys had spent the days doing as they pleased. But now, after a week of this, they were starting to get board.
“Let’s go watch the legions drill,” suggested Marcus.
“But we did that yesterday, and the day before that,” complained Julius.
“Let’s play a game then,” said Marcus.
“What game?” wondered Julius.
“Duodecim Scripta?”
Julius sighed. “Alright, we might as well.”
Marcus swung his legs around and got to his feet. “The good thing is, we only have to amuse ourselves for a few more days.”
“Why do you say that?” wondered Julius.
“The games are coming,” replied Marcus. “There’ll be races, competitions, and best of all, gladiator fights.” He began to swing an imaginary sword, stabbing and slashing.
Julius grinned. “Do you think there will be chariot racing?”
“I didn’t find out,” shrugged Marcus. “Perhaps they’ll have the gladiators fight the wild beasts. I hope they fight a lion!”
Julius felt a chill run down his spine. “I would rather they didn’t.”
Marcus paused mid swing. “Why not?”
Julius shrugged.
“Oh out with it!” exclaimed Marcus.
“Well, ever since I can remember, I’ve been terrified of lions,” replied Julius.
Marcus thought about that a moment, and then clapped his friend on the shoulder. “No fear, Julius, they can’t get to you.”
“I know,” replied Julius. He laughed to shake away the chill. “Come on, let’s go play our game.”
***
The next evening found the two boys in the sitting room once again. Julius was trying to read, and Marcus was playing at soldier again. Slashing his sword he leapt up onto the table and from there to the arm of the couch. Taking a moment to balance himself, he began walking along the back of it.
Julius couldn’t help looking up from his reading to watch. “Marcus!” he hissed.
“What?” asked Marcus.
“Stop it, I’m trying to study. This is the whole reason I stayed behind this summer. Remember?”
Marcus jumped down and walked over to the window. He began walking about singing one of the legionary songs under his breath.
“Romulus, we stand vigil for thee,
Audacity and fortitude,
For home and country,
Such is the pathway to the stars,Romulus, we stand vigil for thee,
Between spears, strike with a firm hand,
For home and country,
Such is the pathway to the stars,Romulus, we stand vigil for thee,
I am lead by love of country, to that place where right and glory lead,
For home and country,
Such is the pathway to the stars!Romulus, we stand vigil for thee!”
Julius ignored him and continued to read. He made it through two pages and was starting on the third when Marcus raised his voice and began marching up and down to a second rousing song.
“We are men of the Fourteenth,
Legion of the Twin
Away with you! Get out of our way!
The trumpet sounds advance,
Soldiers of Rome, forward!Our Pride is in the Legion,
And the fighting infantry are our family and home,
From the barbarous forests of Germany,
To the mist shrouded hills of Caledonia,
Tamers of Britain, March!”
“Marcus!” cried out Julius in frustration.
Marcus threw himself down on the couch and began to play with his dagger. Julius turned back to his reading.
“Julius, can I ask you a question?”
Julius flung down his studies in despair. “What?”
“Who do you think started that fire?”
“Why in the name of Jupiter did you need to ask that right now?” exclaimed Julius, throwing up his hands.
Marcus shrugged. “Come on Julius, just save the miserable studies for another time.”
“Alright,” consented Julius.
“Well?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Julius.
“Do you think it was Nero?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps.”
“They say that Nero has found someone to shift the blame on.”
“Of course he has,” laughed Julius.
“They say that these people are traitors and wish us all dead. They are part of a strange cult.”
Julius shook his head. “There are just to many possibilities and no evidence.” He looked toward the window. “We have not been to evening devotions in a while. Do you think we should go?”
Marcus shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“I never have understood you in this,” said Julius. “You seem as devoted to Rome as any with your songs and battle cries, yet your devotion to the gods seems somewhat lacking.”
“Do you want the honest truth?”
“Sure.”
Marcus thought a moment, twisting the dagger in his hand. “I… I do not really know what to believe. I know that there must be a higher power, and I know that there must be a creator, or creators, but I… I don’t know.” He fell silent.
“Go on,” encouraged Julius.
“I have grown up worshiping the gods my whole life, as have you. I just… well…” he stopped again. After a moment, he continued. “I have been feeling this… this longing… this urge… something is out there. I feel a longing for a truth that I don’t even know exists. Every time I go to the temple, there is something lacking. It’s… oh I don’t know how to describe it. There’s just something missing.”
Julius considered his friends words. “I haven’t ever really thought of there being something wrong with our way of worship.”
“Maybe there isn’t. Maybe it’s just something wrong with me,” replied Marcus.
Julius shrugged. “Well, we don’t have to go if you would rather not. We can worship at the household shrine instead. If the gods don’t like it… well they can just deal with a little disappointment in their lives.”
***
The sound of a thousand voices cheering shook the very stone of the Colosseum. Julius and Marcus yelled with the rest, urging on the warriors below. “Look at him!” Marcus shouted in Julius’s ear. “He’s magnificent!”
Julius nodded, watching the fair haired Briton. He was a slave from the wars, and he was a giant. Julius had never seen anyone so tall and strong, yet he moved with the lightness of a panther. He had already won two of his fights. In a few moments, this one too had been added to his victories.
The Briton was taken away, and more gladiators fought.
Julius leaned back in his seat. “When do you think the Briton will return?”
“I don’t know,” replied Marcus. “I hope soon.”
Julius’s eyes drifted from the combat to the raised seat in a conspicuous part of the amphitheater. Here Emperor Nero sat, and near him and the chief nobles and their families reclined. Among the nobles and chief men was a group of young officers belonging to the Prætorian guard. These men were an elite unit of the Imperial Roman army that served as personal bodyguards and intelligence agents for the Roman emperor. The young men criticized the warriors in the arena with the air of connoisseurs. Their loud laughter, gaiety, and splendid attire made them an object of attention for more then Julius.
Marcus jammed an elbow into Julius’s ribs and he turned to look. The Briton was back. He was standing in the center of the arena. The crowd held their breath.
Suddenly, a roar escaped from somewhere nearby. Julius sucked in a sharp breath. An ion gate rose and out of the entrance raced a tiger. It roared and prowled, gnashing it’s teeth. Julius let out a breath of relief. It was not a lion. He couldn’t say why he was so terrified of lions, nor why he didn’t want to see one. It was something unexplainable. A curse of the gods most likely.
The tiger had spotted the Briton. The young man stood still, his sword lose in his hand. The tiger lashed it’s tail and roared again. Suddenly it tore across the sand straight at the Briton. It leapt into the air and came down on him. Julius caught his breath, but then saw with surprise that the Briton had darted to the left at the last moment. As the tiger fell, he dealt it a sharp stab. The creature roared and collapsed to the sand. The crowd cheered.
“Wonderful! I have never seen a fight like that end so fast!” cried Marcus.
Julius nodded and leaned forward, watching the Briton. “I wouldn’t like to face one of them on the field,” he remarked.
Marcus nodded in agreement.
The Briton left the arena, and after that were several more fights. As the victors left, everything became quiet. A whole minute passed, then another. Still no one appeared. Julius glanced at Marcus. Something was about to happen, they could feel the tension in the air.
The gates opened and a young man was shoved forward into the arena. He stumbled slightly and regained his footing. The gates closed with a slam and he spun at the sound. For a moment it was clear that he was frightened. Then something seemed to come over him. He straightened his shoulders and raised his head. With firm strides he began to walk across the bloodstained sand.
“Who is he?” whispered Julius.
“I don’t know,” replied Marcus. “He doesn’t carry a weapon and is wearing nothing besides his sandals and tunic.”
“Could he be a wrestler?”
“If he is, where is his opponent?”
The two friends watched as the young man came to a stop in front of the raised seat where the Emperor waited.
“Julius, what is happening?” whispered Marcus.
Julius held up a hand to shush him.
One of the men near the Emperor rose to his feet and spoke. “Citizens of Rome, before you stands a traitor to the gods and our nation! This is one of the members of the cult that does all it can to destroy Rome.”
There was a hiss from the crowd.
“His kind were the ones who started the great fire!”
A yell of anger was the response to this.
“This is one of their ringleaders. We caught him planning with several members of their cult. The rest escaped, but he was taken.”
A cheer met these words.
The man turned to address the youth. “Who are you?”
“My name is Lucius, and I am a follower of the one true God,” replied the young man. His voice was steady and in it there was no fear.
“Give glory to Apollo, and you shall live,” commanded the man.
“I will not,” was the firm reply.
“Then you will die.”
“I gladly lay down my life for the one who died for me,” replied Lucius.
The Emperor waved his hand and the people rained down curses on the young man. Lucius turned and walked to the center of the arena. He stood firm, his head high.
Julius was breathing hard and he looked over at his friend. Marcus was sitting as still as stone, his eyes fixed on Lucius.
The gates opened and out of the shadows pounced a lion. Let out a roar and the crowd cheered.
Julius felt like he couldn’t breathe. He cowered down in his seat, wanting with everything that was in him to shield his face. But he couldn’t look away. It was as though a spell bound him.
The Lion was pacing back and forth, seeming to explore his surroundings. He stopped and growled when he came upon bloodstains in the sand. Slowly he turned and saw Lucius standing alone in the center of the amphitheater.
Lucius looked at the lion for a moment. Then, he turned and fell to his knees, clasping his hands in prayer. The lion growled and began to stalk towards the young man.
Julius could feel chills racing through him and he closed his eyes, unable to watch. Marcus had slowly risen. Several people yelled at him, complaining that he was blocking their view, but Marcus was unable to hear them. His eyes never left Lucius for a moment, and he held his breath.
All at once the Lion leapt forward and sprang upon the young man. They went down and after that it was a violent tangle blurred by the dust and sand of the arena floor. When it was over, Lucius lay still, his tunic torn and his body awash in blood. The lion turned and walked away, searching for more pray.
Soldiers with torches came and drove the creature back. Someone dragged Lucius away and more gladiators came out to fight.
Marcus still stood, as if he had been turned to stone. At last, someone reached from behind and shoved him back into his seat, but Marcus hardly noticed. He was still staring at that fateful place, marked by the blood of Lucius.
Well, there it is. Can’t wait to hear what y’all think.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Ok, these are just some of my initial thoughts as I was reading through it.
– I liked the action scene where the boys are watching the fighting; that drew me in. I’d say the first part of the chapter didn’t pull me in as quickly, though. Some of the dialogue felt a little bit like it was just there to fill in the story. I know there are different opinions about how to start a book (whether or not you should jump right in with action or set up the scene a little more) but personally I think you could probably find a way to start it off with a little more action and still provide enough background details. Especially where Marcus was singing the songs, I was tempted to skip over the lyrics.
-I know you mentioned Julius is 17, but is Marcus also the same age? Sometimes to me it seemed like he was acting more like a middle-schooler than an older teenager.
-I also don’t know quite as much about ancient Roman culture, but this part stood out as something that might not ring quite true:
Julius shrugged. “Well, we don’t have to go if you would rather not. We can worship at the household shrine instead. If the gods don’t like it… well they can just deal with a little disappointment in their lives.”
From what I understand, most cultures with other gods are usually more fearful of how the gods will respond if they don’t do x,y, and z, or offer sacrifices or appeasements or whatever. So it just seemed a little strange to me that someone as devout as Julius seems to be would be indifferent to how the gods might react. Maybe Julius really doesn’t care and he’s just done this stuff because his family does, but compared with Marcus’ questioning, Julius’s perspective seems to be more devoted to the gods.
Hopefully that’s helpful! I’m generally better at offering tips for grammar editing, but I know you’re not really at that stage yet.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
This is interesting so far! I love the idea of a historical fiction set in those earlier years! I also like your whole colosseum scene.
The main things I’m looking for at the moment would be is it intriguing, have I got a good first chapter hook. Are the characters defined, are you interested in them yet. etc. Basically all the things needed for a first chapter.
It was definitely intriguing when I got to the last scene. I like the characters so far—particularly Marcus—but considering it is only the first chapter, I’m not fully sure what to, like, make of them. I’m sure they’ll really shine through as it advances and we meet them more, though. 😊
______________
If you don’t mind me giving some opinions, here they are. Please note that I am not a historical fiction writer. These are also my own thoughts and you obviously don’t have to listen to me. 😅 I am not a professional at writing at all, lol.
Maybe you should consider adding some more description in—especially of the characters. I guess this is only the first chapter and you can weave that in later, but I’m not sure what to imagine them to look like… Maybe you could add in a few adjectives and descriptions here and there, just to give the reader a little something to picture…
In the beginning, you give a paragraph of info about the times. It isn’t bad at all, since it’s only a paragraph and not a page worth (like I did once), but maybe you could weave it into a conversation or something, or maybe make a scene out of it. Same with the paragraph that explains who Julius and Marcus are… I mean, it’s up to you, of course, and I don’t think they’re bad if you keep them how they are.
That was all! 😊 Sorry if this is not the kind of criticism/feedback you were looking for… I always feel bad about giving my thoughts for some reason, lol. 💛💛
INTP.
So far, I was interested in what was happening in the book and what would happen next. Here are a few things I noticed though:
When you explained the setting and time, I think it could be done as maybe a prologue or background before the book begins (like in an “intro” or “a note to the reader” type of thing).
I noticed also that you used the word wondered twice in the same scene (although you really don’t have to take the second one out, it’s just a little thing I noticed).
As Trailblazer said, I think that the Romans would be more in fearful respect of the gods, so Julius talking about the gods like that seemed off.
I hope this helps, and so far I’m really interested to see where the book goes!
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
WOW!! Thank you all! This is so helpful!
OK, I’ll mention the thing about the gods first. So, in the time of Nero things were starting to slip. There were many, many slaves who had come from wars, and a lot of their religion, or lack thereof, had started to rub off. There were several emperors after Nero who wanted to “reclaim the glory of Rome” and “Bring back the devotion of the old days”
So, my thinking is, for Julius to have missed evening devotions in the temple that week means that he is not one of the super staunch believers, but just does it because that’s the way of his people. It’s more on the “good luck charm” side of things for him.Marcus, however, is someone that you get the feeling really wants a religion he can be whole heartedly devoted to, but has not found that in the Roman beliefs.
If you think that this is too confusing, I can make Julius a little more on the stauncher believer side. It won’t change too much of the story and won’t spoil anything I have planned. So, If y’all think that would be better I’ll do it.
I’d say the first part of the chapter didn’t pull me in as quickly, though. Some of the dialogue felt a little bit like it was just there to fill in the story
Ok, here is a question for y’all. Does it need to have action right in the beginning, or can it have a slower build, (like it did) when it’s coming to such an important and slightly climactic scene at the end of the chapter, (like it did)? If y’all think I should pack a little more action into the beginning part I can. Rome is a notoriously dangerous city. My goal was to keep it quieter so as not to take away from what happens in the Colosseum. But, if y’all think it would be better to put some action in the beginning, I can.
-I know you mentioned Julius is 17, but is Marcus also the same age? Sometimes to me it seemed like he was acting more like a middle-schooler than an older teenager.
Um…… how many of you have teenage brothers? Mine at least, along with their friends from church, can do the craziest things when one of them is occupied and the other is not. For example, one of them is reading, the other decides now is the best time to shoot him with darts. One of them is writing, the other decides now is the best time to practice is war whooping. If left to the house all by themselves……. yikes!
However, if Marcus came off as too young in y’all’s opinion then I can tone him down into a more mature guy. what do y’all think?
Maybe you should consider adding some more description in—especially of the characters. I guess this is only the first chapter and you can weave that in later, but I’m not sure what to imagine them to look like… Maybe you could add in a few adjectives and descriptions here and there, just to give the reader a little something to picture…
Are you really telling me to ad description! I have permission!!!?? Oh man, you do not know how many times people have said, “Tone down the description!” Then I reply, “But how can you picture them if you don’t have any description?” They just say to leave it out. If you think I need more description then here i go!!
In the beginning, you give a paragraph of info about the times.
Ah, I actually forgot that was still there. That was mostly to myself to remember what was going on and where my story needs to be heading. Huh, note to the reader! Good idea! I can put some of that info into a note to the reader!
I noticed also that you used the word wondered twice
Oh NO!! I did! That’s awfull!!! That is so, so bad!! Ahhh!! (Maybe I overreacted, but that is a REAL pet peeve of mine!) Thank you for catching that!!
Thank you all again so much for this feedback! It is so, so helpful!
And, don’t worry about being honest or feeling bad about giving opinions or thoughts. This is the kind of stuff I have been looking for!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
OK, I went ahead and rewrote some stuff in the first chapter. is this better? (I put the new stuff in bold so y’all don’t have to read the whole chapter over again.)
Chapter 1
Julius ducked a blow aimed for his head. He jumped back a step as his opponent quickly followed up the swipe with a thrust toward his chest. The enemy stumbled slightly as his blade missed, and Julius used the opportunity to dart forward.
He wasn’t quick enough.
In a moment Julius found himself ducking yet another blow, and this time he was in no position to raise his own sword in defense. Jumping to the side, he stumbled on the rocks lining the path. Regaining his footing, he spun and ran a few steps to create distance. Julius felt something behind him and he darted to the side as the shadow of a blade barely missed him. “Never turn your back on the enemy,” laughed his oponant.
Julius inwardly berated himself for failing in such a simple thing. It could have been his undoing this time. He spun about and blacked another swipe. He parried two thrusts and returned one of his own.
The battle raged fiercer the two went at each other. They were about equal in skill, and they were both quick. Julius and his opponent were both of a slender build, but obviously strong and athletic. Their mutual skill in combat was clear as the sounds of the combat rang through the garden.
It was several minutes before Julius gained the upper hand. He had his adversary backed against the fountain and he began raining down blows upon him. At that moment, Julius had an idea. Ducking under the sweep of his enemy’s blade, Julius slammed into him, wrapping his arms about his waist and pushing him over. For a moment there was a wild struggle, and then both of them crashed into the water of the fountain.
The two came up spluttering, and the next minute they were in a frantic splashing match. It ended when Julius got dunked twice.
The two young men climbed out of the fountain, laughing and slipping on the marble with their wet sandals.
“Well done Marcus, you almost had me,” said Julius.
“But you did the unexpected. That’s what we’ve been taught, is it not? Do the unexpected and you will receive the upper hand.”
Julius sneezed and began trying to shake water out of his ear. “Upper hand for a minute. Then you almost drowned me.”
Marcus laughed and pushed back his dripping dark hair from his forehead. “That’ because I’m the better warrior.”
Julius scoffed at this. He began wringing water out of his tunic. “What happened to the training swords?”
Marcus looked about. He picked up one from the ground beside the fountain. Handing it to Julius, he leaned over to retrieve his from the water.
Julius moved quickly and gave him a shove. Marcus caught himself at the last moment and rounded on his friend. Grabbed him by the collar he pushed him against the fountain’s rim. “Did you not get enough water up your nose?”
“Alright, alright, I give,” said Julius, laughing.
Marcus started to let him go, but then grabbed harder. “You have to say ‘Marcus is the greatest and is chief among all men of the sword, and I am his poor henchman.’”
“Not a chance!” exclaimed Julius.
“Then you’ll never get free,” grinned Marcus.
“Oh just watch me,” retorted Julius.
A moment later, both boys were back in the fountain.
***
Later that evening, the two reclined in the lounge. They had eaten the evening meal and dismissed the slaves, preferring quiet over evening entertainment.
At seventeen years old, Julius was the eldest son of a prominent family in Rome. His mother, father, and siblings had gone away to spend the summer in their villa home. Julius had opted to stay at home to finish up his studies. Secretly, he had believed it would be more exciting. Now, he was starting to regret the idea. He had invited his best friend, Marcus, to come and stay with him.
“What will you do when you come of age?” wondered Julius.
Marcus shrugged.
“You’ll be eighteen in a few months. Surely you have some idea.”
“I’ll probably end up in the army, like my father. Uncle Leopold will get rid of me the minute he can. He was never pleased when I was given to him after my parent’s death. What about you?”
“I still have a year to decide. Perhaps something in politics,” replied Julius.
“Let’s go watch the legions drill,” suggested Marcus, suddenly.
“But we did that yesterday, and the day before that,” complained Julius.
“Let’s play a game then,” said Marcus.
“What game?” wondered Julius.
“Duodecim Scripta?”
Julius sighed. “Alright, we might as well.”
Marcus swung his legs around and got to his feet. “The good thing is, we only have to amuse ourselves for a few more days.”
“Why do you say that?” asked Julius.
“The games are coming,” replied Marcus. “There’ll be races, competitions, and best of all, gladiator fights.” He began to swing an imaginary sword, stabbing and slashing.
Julius grinned. “Do you think there will be chariot racing?”
“I didn’t find out,” shrugged Marcus. “Perhaps they’ll have the gladiators fight the wild beasts. I hope they fight a lion!”
Julius felt a chill run down his spine. “I would rather they didn’t.”
Marcus paused mid swing. “Why not?”
Julius shrugged.
“Oh out with it!” exclaimed Marcus.
“Well, ever since I can remember, I’ve been terrified of lions,” replied Julius.
Marcus thought about that a moment, and then clapped his friend on the shoulder. “No fear, Julius, they can’t get to you.”
“I know,” replied Julius. He laughed to shake away the chill. “Come on, let’s go play our game.”
***
The next evening, Julius was busy trying to study his Latin. Marcus, having nothing else to do, was pacing about and being a general detraction. Julius ignored him and continued to read. He made it through two pages and was starting on the third when Marcus raised his voice and began a rousing legionary song.
“We are men of the Fourteenth,
Legion of the Twin
Away with you! Get out of our way!
The trumpet sounds advance,
Soldiers of Rome, forward!Our Pride is in the Legion,
And the fighting infantry are our family and home,
From the barbarous forests of Germany,
To the mist shrouded hills of Caledonia,
Tamers of Britain, March!”
“Marcus!” cried out Julius in frustration.
Marcus threw himself down on the couch and began to play with his dagger. Julius turned back to his reading.
“Julius, can I ask you a question?”
Julius flung down his studies in despair. “What?”
“Who do you think started that fire?”
“Why in the name of Jupiter did you need to ask that right now?” exclaimed Julius, throwing up his hands.
Marcus shrugged. “Come on Julius, just save the miserable studies for another time.”
“Alright,” consented Julius.
“Well?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Julius.
“Do you think it was Nero?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps.”
“They say that Nero has found someone to shift the blame on.”
“Of course he has,” laughed Julius.
“They say that these people are traitors and wish us all dead. They are part of a strange cult.”
Julius shook his head. “There are just to many possibilities and no evidence.” He looked toward the window. “We have not been to evening devotions in a while. Do you think we should go?”
Marcus shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“I never have understood you in this,” said Julius. “You seem as devoted to Rome as any with your songs and battle cries, yet your devotion to the gods seems somewhat lacking.”
“Do you want the honest truth?”
“Sure.”
Marcus thought a moment, twisting the dagger in his hand. “I… I do not really know what to believe. I know that there must be a higher power, and I know that there must be a creator, or creators, but I… I don’t know.” He fell silent.
“Go on,” encouraged Julius.
“I have grown up worshiping the gods my whole life, as have you. I just… well…” he stopped again. After a moment, he continued. “I have been feeling this… this longing… this urge… something is out there. I feel a longing for a truth that I don’t even know exists. Every time I go to the temple, there is something lacking. It’s… oh I don’t know how to describe it. There’s just something missing.”
Julius considered his friends words. “I haven’t ever really thought of there being something wrong with our way of worship.”
“Maybe there isn’t. Maybe it’s just something wrong with me,” replied Marcus.
Julius looked Marcus for a long moment. He had always been taught that worship of the gods was important, yet he had done it more out of obligation then anything else. But, never had he even thought about it the way Marcus did. It made him slightly uneasy. “well,” he said at last. “We could do the devotions at home if you are more comfortable with that. We will have to go to the temple at some point though. Sooner rather then later.”
***
The sound of a thousand voices cheering shook the very stone of the colosseum. Julius and Marcus yelled with the rest, urging on the warriors below. “Look at him!” Marcus shouted in Julius’s ear. “He’s magnificent!”
Julius nodded, watching the fair haired briton. He was a slave from the wars, and he was a giant. Julius had never seen anyone so tall and strong, yet he moved with the lightness of a panther. He had already won two of his fights. In a few moments, this one too had become a victory.
The Briton was taken away, and more gladiators fought.
Julius leaned back in his seat. “When do you think the Briton will return?”
“I don’t know,” replied Marcus. “I hope soon.”
Julius’s eyes drifted from the combat to the raised seat in a conspicuous part of the amphitheater. Here Emperor Nero sat, and near him and the chief nobles and their families reclined. Among the nobles and chief men was a group of young officers belonging to the Prætorian guard. These men were an elite unit of the Imperial Roman army that served as personal bodyguards and intelligence agents for the Roman emperor. The young men criticized the warriors in the arena with the air of connoisseurs. Their loud laughter, gaiety, and splendid attire made them an object of attention for more then Julius.
Marcus jammed an elbow into Julius’s ribs and he turned to look. The Briton was back. He was standing in the center of the arena. The crowd held their breath.
Suddenly, a roar escaped from somewhere nearby. Julius sucked in a sharp breath. An ion gate rose and out of the entrance raced a tiger. It roared and prowled, gnashing it’s teeth. Julius let out a breath of relief. It was not a lion. He couldn’t say why he was so terrified of lions, nor why he didn’t want to see one. It was something unexplainable. A curse of the gods most likely.
The tiger had spotted the Briton. The young man stood still, his sword lose in his hand. The tiger lashed it’s tail and roared again. Suddenly it tore across the sand straight at the Briton. It leapt into the air and came down on him. Julius caught his breath, but then saw with surprise that the Briton had darted to the left at the last moment. As the tiger fell, he dealt it a sharp stab. The creature roared and collapsed to the sand. The crowd cheered.
“Wonderful! I have never seen a fight like that end so fast!” cried Marcus.
Julius nodded and leaned forward, watching the Briton. “I wouldn’t like to face one of them on the field,” he remarked.
Marcus nodded in agreement.
The Briton left the arena, and after that were several more fights. As the victors left, everything became quiet. A whole minute passed, then another. Still no one appeared. Julius glanced at Marcus. Something was about to happen, they could feel the tension in the air.
The gates opened and a young man was shoved forward into the arena. He stumbled slightly and regained his footing. The gates closed with a slam and he spun at the sound. For a moment it was clear that he was frightened. Then something seemed to come over him. He straightened his shoulders and raised his head. With firm strides he began to walk across the bloodstained sand.
“Who is he?” whispered Julius.
“I don’t know,” replied Marcus. “He doesn’t carry a weapon and is wearing nothing besides his sandals and tunic.”
“Could he be a wrestler?”
“If he is, where is his apponant?”
The two friends watched as the young man came to a stop in front of the raised seat where the Emperor waited.
“Julius, what is happening?” whispered Marcus.
Julius held up a hand to shush him.
One of the men near the Emperor rose to his feet and spoke. “Citizens of Rome, before you stands a traitor to the gods and our nation! This is one of the members of the cult that does all it can to destroy Rome.”
There was a hiss from the crowd.
“His kind were the ones who started the great fire!”
A yell of anger was the response to this.
“This is one of their ringleaders. We caught him planning with several members of their cult. The rest escaped, but he was taken.”
A cheer met these words.
The man turned to address the youth. “Who are you?”
“My name is Lucius, and I am a follower of the one true God,” replied the young man. His voice was steady and in it there was no fear.
“Give glory to Apollo, and you shall live,” commanded the man.
“I will not,” was the firm reply.
“Then you will die.”
“I gladly lay down my life for the one who died for me,” replied Lucius.
The Emperor waved his hand and the people rained down curses on the young man. Lucius turned and walked to the center of the arena. He stood firm, his head high.
Julius was breathing hard and he looked over at his friend. Marcus was sitting as still as stone, his eyes fixed on Lucius.
The gates opened and out of the shadows pounced a lion. Let out a roar and the crowd cheered.
Julius felt like he couldn’t breathe. He cowered down in his seat, wanting with everything that was in him to shield his face. But he couldn’t look away. It was as though a spell bound him.
The Lion was pacing back and forth, seeming to explore his surroundings. He stopped and growled when he came upon bloodstains in the sand. Slowly he turned and saw Lucius standing alone in the center of the amphitheater.
Lucius looked at the lion for a moment. Then, he turned and fell to his knees, clasping his hands in prayer. The lion growled and began to stalk towards the young man.
Julius could feel chills racing through him and he closed his eyes, unable to watch. Marcus had slowly risen. Several people yelled at him, complaining that he was blocking their view, but Marcus was unable to hear them. His eyes never left Lucius for a moment, and he held his breath.
All at once the Lion leapt forward and sprang upon the young man. They went down and after that it was a violent tangle blurred by the dust and sand of the arena floor. When it was over, Lucius lay still, his tunic torn and his body awash in blood. The lion turned and walked away, searching for more pray.
Soldiers with torches came and drove the creature back. Someone dragged Lucius away and more gladiators came out to fight.
Marcus still stood, as if he had been turned to stone. At last, someone reached from behind and shoved him back into his seat, but Marcus hardly noticed. He was still staring at that fateful place, marked by the blood of Lucius.
(I’ll send chapter two in a little bit.)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
However, if Marcus came off as too young in y’all’s opinion then I can tone him down into a more mature guy. what do y’all think?
Hmm… I do have two younger brothers who are teenagers, but maybe they’re more chill than other guys their age. They do pick on each other and get on each other’s nerves, but in the case of someone interrupting the other person’s studies, it’s usually the younger brother annoying the older brother, which I think is why to me, it felt like Marcus was younger. It just felt like they weren’t quite the same age, if that makes sense. I think you can definitely keep some of the teenage craziness- like don’t make them these super mature guys that aren’t realistic- but maybe balance it a little bit. Idk how other people feel about it, it could just be my personal preference.
Ok, here is a question for y’all. Does it need to have action right in the beginning, or can it have a slower build, (like it did) when it’s coming to such an important and slightly climactic scene at the end of the chapter, (like it did)?
This might also come down to personal preference, but I think maybe what you could do is have some sort of hook at the beginning- like start the colosseum scene, but then before it builds too much, take Julius into a flashback or memory of his conversation with Marcus a few days prior to give a little bit of context. That gives a little bit of action to pique the reader’s interest, but then provides just enough background that the reader is not lost, before jumping back into the action. I’m not an expert in this area, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but I think that’s what I would do unless someone told me otherwise.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Ok, thanks! Haha, maybe my brothers and their friends are more wild, but it’s younger or older brother annoying each other around here. lol.
What did you think of the rewrite? was that better? I tried to make a few things a little clearer and also add some action in the beginning. If you still think it doesn’t build enough action then I can try splitting the Colosseum scene like you said.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle
Okay…so I’m going to attempt to give my thoughts.
Just so you know…I haven’t been writing for THAT long…so take everything with a grain of salt…
I just feel bad giving feedback for some reason xDFirst…your revisions did help a lot (I read both the first draft and second rewrite).
But the new opening scene felt a little unnatural. I feel like so many books have used that “friends fighting aggressively without telling readers they’re just friends” scene to draw readers in and build suspense. I’ve read that kind of thing so many times I can predict that it’s fake and it’s really only his friend and not an enemy trying to kill him.
I also have done some research on the best opening scene, and I think the reason that those type of scenes don’t pull me in, is because those scenes don’t have any internal conflict. Internal conflict is what fuels your scene and makes us care about your characters.
This is also why I like the idea of opening with your Colosseum scene much better, because if you just elaborated on what goes through Julius’s mind, you’d perfectly capture his internal conflict–wanting to go along with what he knows, but longing for something more.You also give a lot of background information at the beginning. It’s not that much, so it doesn’t fit into the info-dump category, but it would make your story better if you weaved the background information into another scene that isn’t in the first scene. It makes the hook lose impact and makes the readers lose interest.
I wouldn’t split the scene as @trailblazer suggested because it would lose the effect of the hook.
Instead what I would do in your place, would be that the scene at the Colosseum would make Julius start to question things even more. Then after the Colosseum would be the perfect place to put the Marcus/Julius conversation.
Oh…and one more thing…why is “lion” capitalized? Unless it’s symbolic of something or something like that, you shouldn’t need to have it capitalized.
I hope all that makes sense…?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Just now saw your updated version- I love that fountain scene at the beginning! It made me smile because I can easily see my brothers doing that!
Julius inwardly berated himself for failing in such a simple thing.
This is just something I thought of as I was reading through- maybe instead of telling us Julius inwardly berated himself, you can show his thoughts. I feel like that would make it a little more personal and easier for the reader to connect with Julius.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Awesome!! I’m glad you like the new beginning!
I should have chapter two out here in a few.
Oh good idea. I’ll do that with the thought thing.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Ok I love what @savannah_grace2009 just said about doing the whole colosseum scene first- that makes a lot of sense!
As far as the fountain scene, I think you could maybe still incorporate that later- maybe not the swordfighting, but perhaps during their conversation they’re sitting outside and the teasing turns into wrestling and they accidentally fall into the fountain? Idk just an idea.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Ok I love what savannah_grace2009 just said about doing the whole colosseum scene first- that makes a lot of sense!
*sighs in relief* Okay because I was panicking after I posted and then you posted that you really liked the fountain scene…I felt sooo bad lol
Yeah, I overthink a lot xD
As far as the fountain scene, I think you could maybe still incorporate that later- maybe not the swordfighting, but perhaps during their conversation they’re sitting outside and the teasing turns into wrestling and they accidentally fall into the fountain? Idk just an idea.
Yes! That’s kind of what I was thinking too! I still love the dynamic, I just felt like the fountain scene at the beginning felt off.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333*sighs in relief* Okay because I was panicking after I posted and then you posted that you really liked the fountain scene…I felt sooo bad lol
I think we were posting over each other… like I didn’t see your comments until after I posted.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Ok then. No worries. I’ll split it up. Right now this is just ideas. I mean, you guys are seeing this stuff literal the minute after a type the last word of the chapter. One I get farther into it I’ll have a more concrete setup.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.