- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
- Rank: Bumbling Henchman
- Total Posts: 18
‘Sup guys!
Need a few readers to give a bit of feedback on this short story! (duhhhh why else would it be in this forum??)
A few things to know:
- I wrote this for pure enjoyment. It’s not really that deep, or profound. But it was a good exercise!
- It’s not finished…sorry.
- Nothing I consider worrisome content. The main character is a Witch, but in this satirical/pseudo-fairtytale world it’s doesn’t mean anything more than being a banker. Also, a really repulsive annoying character…
- Yeah I know the first sentence is really loooong.
- It’s probably best read out loud by a really good reader. If you read it in your head, please make sure the voice you are hearing is a really sophisticated deep narrator-y male British accent.
Here’s what I’m looking for in the way of feedback:
- Are there sections that are too wordy?
- Are the Country names too confusing/similar?
- Do you get the names of the Kings mixed up?
- Is it boring?
- Which of the characters do you sympathise/identify with?
- Was it funny?
- The plot too fast/slow-moving?
Lemme know what you all think!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16rywBnNvemZW6gQk3v-TpfsH7hi9aiMH7rBBmiaRFh8/edit?usp=sharing
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@trulyyours_karilyn Thank you for sharing, girl! I can’t wait to read it!! I’ll get back to you in a couple days with my feedback, okay?
- Rank: Bumbling Henchman
- Total Posts: 18
@gracie-j
š
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@trulyyours_karilyn Great job! Nothing was too confusing or wordy! And it was hilarious! You did fantastic!
I’ll tag some others to read it too!
@trulyyours_karilyn
ooooh, girl, this is SO AWESOME!!!!! I will DEFINITELY be reading this. I’ll probably get to it this evening. CAN’T WAIT!!! It looks like it’s gonna be EPIC!
God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
TeenWritersNook.com@trulyyours_karilyn
OOoh, girl, your story was SPECTACULAR!!!!! I loooved how you mixed a few fairytales together and how it TOTALLY didn’t end up how I expected it. Plus, the SUSPENSE!!!! I mean, WHO POISONED THE PRINCESS?????!!!!! I. Need. To. Know. š And as @gracie-j said it was actually really hilarious. Plus, I like having the whole deep male British accent voice as the narrator. So in answer to your questions:
~ I don’t really think so. There were a few times when I was kinda lost, but I figured it out. Though, I do recommend trying to cut down on your adverb usage.
~Nope, I actually REALLY liked the country names!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~No, I didn’t mix up the king’s names. The names were actually AWESOME!
~Of course not!!!!! You’re doing AMAZING with it!!!!
~Probably the witch. She seems to be the only selfless character in the story (surprisingly)!
~Oh, yeah, it was!!!!! <333
~It did take me a page or two before I was fully engaged with the plot, but that’s pretty normal for a lot of stories. But if you do wanna try to hook the reader sooner you could cut some of that opening and start it closer to where the witch goes to see the king, but that’s really entirely up to you. It’s kinda more if you want the reader to be grabbed from page one or are you okay if they aren’t until page two or three. That’s just something depending on the kind of story. Not all stories are supposed to be hooking from the first line. And then some are. Do what works best for your story!!!!!!
Girl, I REALLY ENJOYED reading your story and THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for sharing it with us!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!! I hope you keep working on it and share more!!!!! (If you do share what happens next totally feel free to tag me, ’cause I don’t really check the kp forum like I should and wouldn’t wanna miss it!!!!!!!! <333)
God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
TeenWritersNook.com- Rank: Bumbling Henchman
- Total Posts: 18
Thank you! Iām glad you enjoyed it! Who do you think did it? š
@trulyyours_karilyn
You’re welcome!!! Hmm…I think it was the first king dude. He seems like he’s got some important role to play in the story.
God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
TeenWritersNook.com- Rank: Bumbling Henchman
- Total Posts: 18
š haha, you assumed I knew what I was doing!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.