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Alright, so I’m not a poet, dispite the claim in this topic. But, from time to time I’ve tried my hand at poetry and I would like to learn, thus I am submitting a poem I wrote a few months ago when I couldn’t sleep and so got up and wrote this. (There’s a writers life for ya 🙂 ) Critique away!
God is gracious, He is kind.
He keeps my heart and guards my mind.He is always good and never lies,
Is full of compassion and will ever be nigh.He is my Shepard, my Rock and my Song.
Is so full of mercy, He’ll love me eternity long.He is just, a protector of the weak.
His kingdom He gives, to those who are meek.He is Joy, the good giver of salvation.
He is my refuge, my fortress, my foundation.I will hide in the shadow of His wings.
My Lord of Lords, King of Kings.He is mighty in power, terrible is His wrath.
Majestic and Holy, His Word is my path.He is my Creator, He is my sheild.
He is my God, to Him I yeild.https://rolenahatfield.com/
My analysis is that this is a really good poem that just needs to loose a little weight. You see, with poetry, you write phrases based on flow, not how you are used to hearing them. I figure the best way to explain this is just to show you what I would take off.
God is gracious, He is kind.
He keeps my heart and guards my mind.Always good, He never lies,
His heart’s compassion He is nigh.He is my Shepard, my Rock and my Song.
So full of mercy, His love’s endless long.My God, He is just, protecting the weak.
His kingdom He gives, to those who are meek.He is Joy, the giver of salvation.
He is my refuge, my fortress, foundation.I will hide in the fold of His wings.
My Lord of Lords, King of Kings.He is mighty in power, terrible His wrath.
Majestic and Holy, His Word is my path.He is Creator, He is my sheild.
He is my God, and to Him I yield.So I just created a consistent flow (mainly) by removing words which were breaking the flow of the majority of the poem.
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What @Daeus said. 🙂
One line I really liked was
He is my Shepard, my Rock and my Song.
It’s beautiful. 🙂
Ohhhh. That makes a lot of sense! Thank you both @daeus and @kate-flournoy
Yay! Good I’m learning about poetry!Hmmmm… your trimming of my poem is great Daeus. Mind if I steal a few of your lines?
I’m going to try and reconstruct it and polish it off!https://rolenahatfield.com/
Steal anything you want unless I claim it.
I am looking forward to Great Poem 2 – The Rise of the Revision
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