Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › The Veil of Night– second book in The Flames of Hope Saga
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November 13, 2024 at 5:55 pm #189780
It looks good. I’m still sad though.
Question- how come all the other believers haven’t been discovered, but as soon as Adrian became a believer basically, he was found out and killed?
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
November 13, 2024 at 6:27 pm #189781You two have some issues with trusting authors. I don’t deserve this at all. What have I ever done to warrant this?! (lol)
I am an author and I don’t trust myself, so there! Lol.
trust me (or don’t haha), we all have done plenty to warrant being very sus of each other. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, or well it kinda is, but is it really if everyone’s ashamed of the same thing?
(
At least your writer problem is “I KILL EVERYONE” rather than “I have a massive crush on a morally questionable character who I gave the talons and tail of a crocodile and my parents have no idea whatsoever.” If you’re gonna have a dark secret, at least make it a DECENTLY NORMAL dark secret.)Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
November 14, 2024 at 7:46 am #189788I feel bad. I’m sorry. But then again, I’m also not. You know how that goes.
Okay, I was super stressed that you were going to find out what was going to happen because of Julian being in the RP! I’m so glad you forgot! I was thinking, “Shoot, I shouldn’t have put him in there until after this book.”
Question- how come all the other believers haven’t been discovered, but as soon as Adrian became a believer basically, he was found out and killed?
Good question.
Two answers.
One, the Empire thought they crushed the church after killing it’s leader, Aaron. Understandably, the people have really gone under and are living below the radar at this point, where as before they were a little more open with their beliefs. It’s only been a total of….. four (?) months since Aaron died. (I need to check the timeline. It might only be three) Anyhow. It hasn’t been very long and they thought this whole mess was cleaned up.
Two, Adrian is an Imperial soldier. Not only is he worshiping a new God, but he also just defected. And the army and religion are really tied together. As you will find out later, back in the Empire it’s the army who upholds a lot of the beliefs. There are the priests who have final say in ever matter, (often over the Emperor as long as they can get him to believe they are speaking the words of the gods) and then below the Order of Priests would be the military officers. Then there is a special military branch know as the Temple Troops, who’s lives are solely dedicated to carrying out the commands of the priests and serving the gods and up holding their laws. They are the “religion gestapo”. And then there are the normal military branches. (As happens in all military, there is a bit of competition between the branches, but they generally all work together.) Temple Troops do not leave the capital City where the Great Pantheon is. That is where they serve, and that is where they stay. So, most of the time it’s the soldiers enforcing the will of the gods spoken by the priests, and defending and upholding their beliefs. Soooo, for Adrian to run away is bad, but for him to run and turn his back on the gods is far worse. (He mentioned something along those lines to Joseph at one point.) So, anyways, long story short, they were raging mad when Adrian got away, and they were trying to cover up that anything ever happened. However, he avoided them for over two months so by that time they were pretty sure that enough people knew about him to make things look really bad. So, that’s why they killed him publicly vs. doing it in secret. So, yeah, he wounded their pride and their agenda, and that wasn’t good.
Don’t worry, things will get bad for the other Believes too. Especially after the Adrian scandal.
Glad you liked the mood board.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 7:50 am #189789Adrian was my favorite!
Oh no! I’m sorry he was your favorite! (He was my favorite too at this point.)
Your *not actual* book has been officially thrown across the room.
If you don’t pick it up again you’ll never know what happens…….. then I can’t be faulted for it being depressing, because you put it down right after Adrian’s death scene.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 7:51 am #189790Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lol yeah I totally read it and wondered, but then while I was reading this the only thing that I was thinking was that, “It’s probably the same Julian… right?” I did not even register that until right after, and then I was like 🤦♀️
So because Julian and Joseph showed empathy for Adrian in that scene… will the government think they are Christians too?
Don’t worry, things will get bad for the other Believes too. Especially after the Adrian scandal.
😳
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
November 14, 2024 at 7:52 am #189791@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h
Here is Joseph!
(Adrian was posted at the bottom of page 8 for anyone that missed that.)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 7:52 am #189792How could you kill your FAVORITE off, Ellette??? 😢
Oh, it’s been picked back up. Just slightly bent now. 😁
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
November 14, 2024 at 7:54 am #189793Augh, I keep missing you!! 😅
Cool! So… how old is Joseph in the later books, if right now he’s “Young Joseph”?
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
November 14, 2024 at 7:59 am #189794lol. That’s great.
So because Julian and Joseph showed empathy for Adrian in that scene… will the government think they are Christians too?
Julian’s empathy is understandable. He’s trying to stop them from killing his little brother. He would have done that no matter the crime. He reacted badly enough to what Adrian said, that he’s clearly not on his side in regards to beliefs. Plus, he’s got someone in rank who’s trying to shield him at the moment.(you’ll see.)
Joseph.
Ah.
Poor kid.
Yup. So, he’s a little kid, and the soldier who tried to grab him was only trying to keep the peace. I think the reaction of the Adrentans was shocking to them as well, and they were starting to get pretty nervous. (In case you don’t know, all the Ardentans are taller then people from the Empire, and they can get really nasty when they get into a fighting mood.) So, the soldiers were a little freaked out at the moment. But, enough people in rank saw Joseph to start drawing some lines. Adrian was sheltered by someone, he believes the same way Aaron does, this boy clearly loved and knew him, despite being an Ardentan……
it doesn’t take an expert.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 8:00 am #189795Don’t reply to the above yet.
I’m answering you again.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 8:02 am #189798How could you kill your FAVORITE off, Ellette??? 😢
Aaron was my very favorite character I’ve ever written.
It’s dangerous to be my favorite.
Oh, it’s been picked back up. Just slightly bent now. 😁
good. lol. (No one saw that tantrum you threw. all’s good, all’s good. lolololololol)
Cool! So… how old is Joseph in the later books, if right now he’s “Young Joseph”?
If I tell you that, then you’ll know if he survives past childhood.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 8:05 am #189799Okay. Now your good to reply.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 9:36 am #189801I just saw this and thought of you.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 10:07 am #189803@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h
NEXT SECTION!!
Joseph sat at the table staring at nothing.
In the corner, Sabina was holding a sobbing Eric, and Asher was sitting beside Noah, his face pressed against him. Alicia was at the other end of the table, her hands over her face.
Darrien had a hand on Joseph’s shoulder, but Joseph hardly knew he was there. At last, Darrien spoke softly to him. “I am so sorry. I wish I could have gotten you and the others away, but we could hardly move!”
“I… I wanted to be there,” Joseph replied in a toneless voice.
“Why?” Darrien asked, and Joseph thought he almost sounded frightened.
“I… I don’t know,” Joseph said. “But I had to be there. I didn’t want Adrian to have to be alone. Alone alone. I wanted him to know that I was there, so that he wouldn’t be so afraid.”
Darrien pulled Joseph against him, wrapping his arms about the boy. “I think I know how you feel.” He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke. “He stayed true. I am so proud of who he became, and how he died. God gave him so much strength, and he chose to cling to him. He is home now.”
“I saw him, Darrien, and I called out to him. He saw me and ran out to him…. I think it helped him not be scared.” Joseph sucked in a breath, and the tears began to flow once more. Darrien held him, and Joseph sobbed against the young man’s shoulder. It felt as though he was being torn apart inside, and it hurt so badly.
At that moment, there was a pounding on the door. Joseph jumped and looked up in terror. Darrien slowly got to his feet, looking at Sabina, Noah, and Darrien.
Joseph stood up and slid his hand into Darrien’s.
Darrien hesitated, and the pounding came again.
Darrien turned and walked out of the kitchen, Joseph trailing behind him. They reached the door, and Darrien laid a hand on the latch. “God protect us,” he breathed. Then, he opened the door.
An imperial soldier stood on the steps outside. Joseph ducked behind Darrien, his arms around the young man’s waist. Darrien’s grip on the door tightened, but his voice was low and calm when he spoke. “Can I do something for you?”
The soldier looked up at him, his face pale and eyes full of wild grief and despair. “I need to talk to you about Adrain.”
Darrien hesitated, glancing back toward the kitchen. He looked back at the soldier and saw he hand a hand clenched tightly around his sword.
Joseph looked up at Darrien. His face was white, and his finger’s tightened on the door frame. He used his other hand to gently push Joseph back. “Please, the children had nothing to do with it, nor did the women. I was the one who hid him. Take me but leave the others.”
The soldier shook his head. “I know you’re lying. I need to speak with you. Now.”
Darrien looked the young man straight in the eye. “Don’t hurt the children or women. They did nothing.”
“I don’t care what they did!” the soldier yelled. “They knew he was here, and I could easily have you all killed for far less.”
Darrien stepped back, darting a glance down the hall behind him. Joseph looked at the soldier, who had his hands braced on either side of the doorframe. Darrien was at least a head taller than the stranger, but to Joseph this soldier seemed like a giant. He clung to Darrien’s hand and a whimper escaped from him.
Darrien squeezed Joseph’s hand. “Please don’t do this in front of the children.”
Soldier slowly raised his head. “How many times are you going to make me ask you to let me in? My patience is wearing thin, Ardentan.”
A resigned expression crossed Darrien’s face, and he stepped back, pulling Joseph behind him.
The soldier entered and shut the door behind him. Darrien bent toward Joseph but kept his eyes on the intruder. “Go to Sabina,” he said quietly.
Joseph slowly backed down the hall.
“Where is he going?” the soldier demanded.
“I sent him away,” Darrien replied. “Now what is it you want to know.”
The soldier took a step toward Joseph, and the boy turned and fled. He reached the kitchen and dashed in.
Sabina looked up. “Who was it?”
Before Joseph could answer, the soldier entered, followed by Darrien.
Noah started up and Sabina gasped. Noah and Darrien exchanged a look, and Joseph saw Noah lower his head. Something terrible was about to happen. Joseph could feel it.
Sabina was staring at the soldier, and a strange expression crossed her face. “Julian?”
The young man spun sharply, and Noah stepped quickly in front of Sabina. “Why are you here?” he demanded.
Julian’s hand opened and closed over the hilt of his sword. At last, he spoke. “What happened to my brother?”
“I don’t know,” Noah replied in confusion.
“Adrian,” Julian said. “Adrain is… was… my little brother.”
A look of fear flickered through Noah’s eyes and Darrien drew in a sharp breath.
“I was the one who did it,” Noah said. “The rest had nothing to do with it. Please, don’t harm them.”
Julian laughed dryly, but his eyes grew cold. “I’ll slit the throat of the next knave who lies to me.”
Alicia gasped.
Julian looked straight at Noah. “What did you do to him?”
“Nothing,” Noah replied. “We did nothing to him.”
Julian stood still for a moment. Then, he took a threatening step forward. “Let me make myself clear, Ardentan. I came here for answers, and you are going to give them to me.”
Noah nodded calmly. “I’ll tell you everything, Julian.”
“Don’t you dare take such an informal tone with me,” Julian warned, his voice low and cold.
“What is it you want to know?” Darrien asked.
Julian whipped around to face him. “Something happened to my brother. I have never known Adrian to go against anything when he’s outnumbered. And he never, ever believed, said, or did anything that I didn’t agree with. He was shy and quiet, and if it wasn’t for my protection and guidance he would never have survived. And then… and then this,” the last word hissed out through his teeth. “Something happened to him. Something changed him.”
Julian took a step toward Darrien. “Adrian ran away from me, and from everything we’ve ever believed and held true. He turned his back on all we’ve fought and bled for. After years and years of loyalty, through war and peace, he turned and left it all. And whatever happened changed him.”
Julian took another step forward. “When he was captured in the streets, he spoke with a strength I have never seen in him. Adrian was always weak and never did anything to draw attention to himself, and he would never, ever do something that might possibly get him into trouble. And then this?” Julian clenched his hands into fists. “I didn’t even know my own brother!”
“Adrian was the same brother you knew and loved. It was the Spirit of God who spoke through him that day and gave him strength.”
Julian’s jaw tightened and he slowly shook his head. “Something happened to him. You did something to him!” He spun and took two steps toward Noah. “I had to watch those soldiers drag my brother off and imprison him. I stood there while they interrogated him hour after hour,” his voice trembled. “I had to watch them torture my brother, and I could do nothing!” He slammed his fist into the table, causing the girls to jump. Julian slowly raised his head, his eyes burning. “They. Killed. Him. Do you understand? They killed my brother, because of what he had done. And it’s your fault.”
Julian spun away and drew his sword.
Alicia shrieked and Sabina grabbed Eric and Asher.
Julian pointed the sword at Darrien and then slowly swung around to point it at Noah. “One of you did something to him, and when I find out who it was, there will be blood.
For a moment, there was silence. Joseph couldn’t breathe, and both Noah and Darrien had gone pale. At last, Noah spoke, his eyes still on Julian, and his voice calm and even. “Sabina, Alicia, take the children and go upstairs. Don’t come down again.”
Sabina stood, Asher and Eric still clinging to her. She made a motion to Joseph, and he raced to her. Julian’s eyes flicked toward him as he ran by, but the soldier didn’t try to stop him.
Alicia took Joseph’s hand and led him after Sabina. Joseph paused in the doorway and looked back. Noah gave him a slight nod. Alicia gave his hand a gentle pull, and Joseph turned and followed her out of the kitchen.
The two reached the stairs and hurried up. In the hallway, they found Sabina waiting. The five entered Asher and Eric’s room– which was the furthest from the stairs– and Sabina shut the door firmly behind them.
“Boys, please get ready for bed.”
They obeyed her silently. Alicia left to get Joseph’s night shirt, and when she came back her face was pale. She handed the shirt to Joseph and then moved to speak with Sabina. “He’s getting angry, and Noah just told him to calm down. It doesn’t sound good.”
Joseph slid out of his clothes and pulled on his bed shirt. His heart was racing, and his hands shook. From the other side of the room, Eric let out a frustrated yell. Sabina moved and helped him untangle himself from his shirt. When Eric’s face appeared, Joseph saw he was crying. “Is that bad soldier going to hurt Noah and Darrien?”
Sabina pulled the boy into a tight hug, but didn’t reply. After a moment, she looked up. “Boys, get into bed. Asher and Eric, you share one tonight.”
The boys nodded and Sabina picked up Eric and put him into bed. Asher climbed in beside his brother, and Joseph crawled into the other bed.
He glanced over and Saw Alicia sitting on the floor against the wall, her head against her updrawn knees. Sabina closed the shutters and lit one of the candles. It glowed dimly, and she set it on the table near the window.
Eric was whimpering, the blankets hugged to his chest.
Downstairs, voices rose and fell.
Sabina moved and sat down on the edge of Joseph’s bed. She began humming softly, and Eric’s whimpering stopped. Asher rolled over and put an arm around his brother, and the two snuggled down under the blankets.
Joseph lay watching the candlelight dancing on the walls. After a little while, Joseph realized Sabina was no longer humming. She was whispering softly, her voice hardly audible. Joseph knew she was praying.
He closed his eyes and tried not to think about what was happening downstairs, and what had happened earlier that day. Please keep Noah and Darrien safe. Please make Julian go away. And if he doesn’t, help him to not be so angry.
At last, Joseph’s eyes drifted closed.
A crash startled Joseph awake. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sleeping, but the candle was still burning. The noise sounded like someone had overturned a bench. Downstairs, someone started yelling, and then another voice rose.
“Jesus, Jesus,” Sabina breathed. “Please, please help them. Oh God, protect them.”
Joseph began to cry, and Sabina turned toward him. “Did the noise frighten you?”
“I want Julian to go away,” Joseph choked out. “I don’t want him to hurt Noah and Darrien!”
Sabina gently smoothed his hair back from his forehead. “I know, Joseph. I know.”
“I’m scared,” Joseph whispered.
“So am I,” she replied.
“Is he going to kill them?” Joseph whispered.
“I…” Sabina’s voice caught in her throat. “I don’t know, Joseph. I don’t know.”
Joseph swallowed down a sob. “Why is he trying to hurt them?”
“He’s very, very hurt,” Sabina replied. “He’s lost, and he’s broken. He’s in so much pain after watching evil men hurt and kill his brother, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Without Christ, the broken often resort to braking. The only one who can give Julian peace and comfort is God.”
“Is that what Noah and Darrien are trying to tell him?”
Sabina nodded.
“Why won’t he listen?” Joseph asked.
“Sometimes it takes time, Joseph. And sometimes, people never listen. No matter what Noah and Darrien say, and no matter what they do, they cannot convince Julian to see the truth. If God has not opened his heart and ears, he will never be able to believe.”
Joseph lay and thought about her words. Sabina began praying again, and Joseph closed his eyes, letting her gentle voice sooth him to sleep.
When Joseph woke again, everything had changed. The candle was gone, and so was the darkness. He rolled over and saw Sabina standing by the open window, sunlight streaming down on her hair.
Downstairs, everything was silent.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 14, 2024 at 10:31 am #189804Wooph! Got a lot to catch up on! Let’s see how far I get before I have class…
It was actually not Betsy. It was Corrie and Betsy’s Niece, Peter and Reuben’s brother, and it was Peter and Reuben who were under the table because someone had seen them with the Jews and informed on them. (At least, that’s what it say’s in Corrie’s auto biography.)
Ah, okay. I haven’t actually read The Hidding Place, I only knew about this because my mom told me. When I went to search the event up, other than someone hiding under the table and the soldiers being told this, details seemed to vary.
Really? What makes you think he was harsh before? (Out or curiosity.)
*Goes back to read his introduction in book 1…*
In the part where he is watching Arron in the fountain, he puts an end to it, and I was saying he was harsh based of of that. But I forgot that part of the reason he put an end to it was to prevent bloodshed.
I’ll give you the feedback for your new sections in a separate post(s).
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