Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › The Veil of Night– second book in The Flames of Hope Saga
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December 14, 2024 at 10:52 am #192018
I know. I don’t know why they keep coming off blurry.
Joseph’s was a little blurry… but… I think I saw a picture of him handcuffed against a wall… 😳
*wiggles eyebrows* guess you’ll just have to see……………
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 16, 2024 at 11:07 am #192097@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h @elishavet-pidyon @grcr
Anyone want to see the Aesthetic of a character we haven’t met yet? Ya’ll are free to guess who it might be, but I’m not promising answers.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 16, 2024 at 5:15 pm #192164Oh yes please. I love guessing what type of character a charie is from their board.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkDecember 16, 2024 at 5:36 pm #192171@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h @elishavet-pidyon @grcr
here you go!!
I can’t wait to hear feedback on who he is and what sort of character he’ll turn out to be!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 16, 2024 at 5:44 pm #192177Hmm. Well, he looks like an SC, maybe an anti-hero or antagonist, although I don’t know if he’s a villain.
Is he perchance the oldest of the street orphans?
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkDecember 16, 2024 at 5:44 pm #192178Hmmmmm.
Ok. I’m seeing a child soldier type. He’s got a past and he doesn’t care what he does because he doesn’t want to care. Yet he also feels he still has something to accomplish. He could be redeemable, or he could be an incredible thorn in the MC’s side. As for who he is… I don’t know. I think he was once connected to the others in a positive way.
Is he one of your orphans in the capital?
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
December 16, 2024 at 6:05 pm #192183Interesting! I like all y’all’s thoughts of him!
Remind me again what SC stands for…….
As I said before, I can’t answer questions, but I love the thoughts!! Thank you! You two are the first to ever see this board, and I’m a little proud of it. XD
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 18, 2024 at 10:50 am #192287At long last, Joseph introduced them to David, who shook hands all over again. Then, they hurried to the sitting room. The whole family was quickly introduced, and the hugging and handshaking began all over again. At last, Joseph reached out and took Amelia’s hand, leading her up to his family.
Everyone met everyone, yay!
“Andrew Falkirk. The moment I saw them together I knew they were perfect,” Amelia replied.
Now is this the Andrew that was in the first draft? (Also, I think you meant to say Sabina replied)
That afternoon, while Joseph was away in the fields, Sabina called Amelia to her. Sitting down on the bed that had been lent to her, Sabina lifted her large leather traveling rucksack onto her lap. Opening it, she pulled out a bundle wrapped in waterproof leather. “Come sit
Another perspective change? You’ve done it enough times that it’s not feeling odd anymore. (Also, you forgot the closing quotation mark here.)
Downstairs, he was greeted by Mrs. Caddick, Asher, Eric, Noah, Darrien, Julian, Leon and the Caddick boys. There was not a girl in sight.
Does Mrs. Caddick not count as a girl?
“I now present to you, the new Mr. and Mrs. Conway,” Noah cried, and the gathered people cheered again.
Not even the uncle attempted to crash the wedding. Nice!
Then, something happened that changed everything.
Taking a guess, based off of the aesthetic board you shared. Berie is the leader of the orphan gang and he’s going to do something to Sabina right away.
(That one smile near the bottom right looks especially malicious)
I feel like you used ‘then something happened that changed everything’ a few times now. I know you’re trying to create a hook to pull the reader forward, but I wonder if you could do something else. I think the reason it bothers me is that it is too obvious of a hook. Could there be something more subtle that might work instead?
December 18, 2024 at 11:02 am #192290Yay! I had just given up on you and was preparing the next section to post.
Now is this the Andrew that was in the first draft? (Also, I think you meant to say Sabina replied)
Yes it is! I don’t care if the reader never knows that, but I just had to make the little link because I know Andrew’s story even though it never comes in. I can’t get over the fact that you remember him. lol.
Oh yes, I did mean Sabina.
Another perspective change? You’ve done it enough times that it’s not feeling odd anymore. (Also, you forgot the closing quotation mark here.)
I’ve been sitting here ready to slam you with my reason for doing this, and now you actually don’t mind it. I’m at a loss of what to do…… lol.
I can tell you why I did it though. So, in the beginning, we had a Sabina POV with the wedding dress. This POV with the wedding dress closes the open end of the last wedding dress POV and resolves all Sabina POVs.
Make sense?
Does Mrs. Caddick not count as a girl?
She would, except that it’s supposed to say Mr. Caddick……………………..
Not even the uncle attempted to crash the wedding. Nice!
I would never ever spoil a wedding. *indignant sniff* (nope, you don’t remember that I killed Aaron on his wedding day……..)
Taking a guess, based off of the aesthetic board you shared. Berie is the leader of the orphan gang and he’s going to do something to Sabina right away.
(That one smile near the bottom right looks especially malicious)
Ugh. I’m going to have to change the font on that. It’s Beric. B-E-R-I-C. BeriC
(Berie? seriously. Who ever heard of a fierce Berie? *shudders*)
You think he’s going to hurt Sabina? hmmmm.
I feel like you used ‘then something happened that changed everything’ a few times now. I know you’re trying to create a hook to pull the reader forward, but I wonder if you could do something else. I think the reason it bothers me is that it is too obvious of a hook. Could there be something more subtle that might work instead?
I have NEVER used that phrase before!
*goes back to look*
Oh, you’re right.
Yes I will change that.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 18, 2024 at 11:09 am #192292Yay! I had just given up on you and was preparing the next section to post.
Sorry, a large final assignment pounced out of nowhere on me and I spent the last couple of days working on it and another final assignment. I also had to work for the last two days. But the good news is that I don’t have any more school until January!
I can tell you why I did it though. So, in the beginning, we had a Sabina POV with the wedding dress. This POV with the wedding dress closes the open end of the last wedding dress POV and resolves all Sabina POVs.
Ah, nice!
She would, except that it’s supposed to say Mr. Caddick……………………..
Okay. You made the same typo in the following line.
I would never ever spoil a wedding. *indignant sniff* (nope, you don’t remember that I killed Aaron on his wedding day……..)
Well maybe I didn’t, until you reminded me just now…….
Ugh. I’m going to have to change the font on that. It’s Beric. B-E-R-I-C. BeriC
Not the worst case of a font making one word appear to be another that I’ve seen.
(Berie? seriously. Who ever heard of a fierce Berie? *shudders*)
If you were writing something more witty, that would totally work.
December 18, 2024 at 11:17 am #192293No problem. I have another collage friend who was attacked by a final too.
(They must be like Alcatraz’s Kittens.)
But the good news is that I don’t have any more school until January!
If you were writing something more witty, that would totally work.
Yes, but I’m not a witty writer. That’s your field.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 18, 2024 at 11:43 am #192296@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h @elishavet-pidyon @grcr
NEXT SECTION
“How can we be praying for each other?” Joseph asked as the small group sat about the living room, open Bibles on their laps.
“Rose is ill,” William said.
Joseph glanced at the empty chair beside the young man and gave him an encouraging smile.
“We are trying to buy a new house. With the birth of the twins, we need more room, and we can’t add to town houses, there is no way to do so,” One man said.
“Pray that we will be allowed to live in the country again,” Ezra remarked.
“Our relationship,” a girl said, beaming on her love.
“My cousin to come to Christ,” a woman spoke up.
“Uncle Amon,” Quin said.
Joseph nodded and Amelia smiled sadly.
“Our country to turn back to God,” David said soberly.
“Leon and Julian as they travel,” Joseph added.
“Our brothers and sisters in other towns and cities,” a young man put in.
There were no more, so Joseph bowed his head, starting their time in prayer. Amelia slipped her hands in his as he prayed, bowing her head close to him.
When the time of prayer was over, people slowly began to trickle away to their own homes. Amelia and Joseph stood near the door, shaking hands with–– or in Amelia’s case, hugging–– all who left. After a time, only the Caddick family remained, and Amelia paused to talk with them as Joseph put the room back in order. Then he came and said goodbye. At last, they closed the door, and Joseph drew the bolt across it. He smiled at Amelia. “These times of prayer have truly strengthened me.”
“Oh, me as well,” Amelia smiled.
Two nights later, Joseph was wakened by a pounding on the door. He started up, grouping in the darkness for a candle. Amelia sat up beside him. “What is it?” she whispered.
“I don’t know,” Joseph replied. He found the candle and hurried to crouch by the dying fire, dipping a straw into the embers and using it to light the wick. He rose, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, for the floor was freezing. The pounding came again, and Amelia slipped out of bed, reaching for a shawl. Joseph placed the candle in the holder of a lamp and moved toward the bedroom door, but Amelia grabbed his arm. “Joseph, what if it’s the soldiers?”
Joseph froze, his breath catching in his throat.
The pounding knock sounded louder.
“I had better go down there, perhaps they’re only looking for something. To stay up here would be suspicious. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Still, Joseph pulled his boats on before going downstairs. Amelia followed close behind.
They reached the door, and Joseph unbolted and opened it. On the steps stood a very distressed young man. “Joseph, thank God!” he whispered.
“William? Come in!” Joseph exclaimed, a flood of relief washing over him.
He beckoned to the young man, and Amelia ran to stoke up the kitchen fire and find something to drink. William came in, letting his rucksack slip off his shoulder to the floor. Joseph lead him to the kitchen table and William sat down slowly, his eyes downcast. Joseph set the lamp on the table and put an arm over the young man’s shoulders. “William, what is it?”
William looked up at him, his eyes flooding with tears. “I’m so sorry to wake you. I had nowhere else to go, and no one to turn to,” he said, choking back a sob.
Amelia dropped what she was doing and sat down on the other side of the youth. “Tell us, Will.”
“It’s Rose,” Will said. “She… she’s dead.” William dropped his head onto his arms and wept, the sobs tearing from his throat and shaking his whole body.
Amelia gently rubbed his back, looking at Joseph over him. “Dead?” she mouthed, an expression of worry and confusion in her eyes.
Joseph just shook his head.
At last, Will’s crying slowed, and Joseph was able to speak. “Do you know what happened?”
Will nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Three weeks ago, she was complaining of headaches and tiredness. Then, a week after that, when I came to talk with Rose, her mother told me she had been throwing up, and I had to stay away. I heard nothing that week, or the next, though I tried to see her almost every day. Then, this morning, her brother came to me. He said Rose had been coughing blood for the past four days, and the doctors didn’t know what to do. Then tonight, her sister came and said that Rose was dead, but the doctor had said no one outside of the family could come near for fear of the sickness spreading.”
Joseph looked up at Amelia. “Do you know how she got sick?” he asked William.
The young man shook his head. “I… I didn’t even get to say goodbye… to tell her I love her one last time.” he covered his face with his hands and wept silently.
Joseph laid a hand on his back. “Oh Father, please be with Will. Help him, comfort him, and bring him peace,” he whispered.
“I don’t understand,” William choked. “Why? Why Joseph? For months and months, I’ve worked so hard to provide a home for her so that we could be married. I was so close! A few more weeks and I would have done it. And then… and then she died!” William beat his fist against the table, tears streaming down his face. “Please make sense of it!” he cried wildly. “Someone explain how God could possibly let this happen!”
Joseph pulled the young man into a tight hug. “I don’t know, I don’t know,” he whispered. “I can’t see the good in it, Will.”
“But it is there,” Amelia whispered, gently stroking William’s back. “We can’t see it now, but God will use this for the good of those who love Him, and to bring glory to his name.”
Joseph nodded in agreement.
William had stopped crying so hard, and now he sat staring at the table. Joseph reached out a laid a hand on his shoulder. “William, this is a dark world and there are very cruel people in it. What’s more, it is a world stained and broken by sin. Because of this, there will be sickness and death…” He trailed off and let out a long breath. “I don’t really know what to say that would bring you comfort. Just know that I understand your pain. I lost my father, and the man who stepped into his place. I lost a dear, dear friend as well, and many people I knew died on the walls in the capital during the last battle. I understand.”
William traced the lines in the table with his finger and didn’t reply.
They sat there in silence for a long time. Then, William slowly looked up. “I need to leave. I’m sorry I woke you up.”
Joseph shook his head. “No, I don’t want you to go anywhere. Not right now. We have an empty room; you can sleep there, and we won’t disturb you.”
William shook his head, but Joseph laid a firm hand on his arm. “I wasn’t asking.”
William smiled slightly and sucked in a breath. Amelia ran to the other room to make it ready, and Joseph retrieved William’s rucksack from the hall. He came back to the kitchen and William thanked him. Then, he got up and followed Amelia to the bedroom set aside for him. Amelia came back and sat down next to Joseph at the kitchen table. Joseph put an arm around her shoulders, and she leaned against him. Joseph closed his eyes. “Oh Lord, please help us. Please comfort Will.”
***
The next morning, Joseph and Amelia ate breakfast alone. William didn’t come out of his room, and Joseph waited until the last possible moment before leaving for work. That afternoon he practically ran the whole way home, but Amelia said William still hadn’t come out.
That evening, Joseph walked upstairs and knocked softly on the door. “Will, we would love to have you join us for supper. Will you come?”
There was no answer.
Joseph hesitated. “Would… would you like me to come and pray with you?”
Again, no answer. Joseph rested his head against the door, and he thought he heard a stifled sob. After a moment, he turned and walked away.
The next morning, Joseph and Amelia were eating breakfast when Will appeared, rucksack. He was very pale, and his eyes were red. His hair was tangled, and he looked almost gaunt.
“Will, come sit,” Amelia exclaimed softly. She hurried to dish him something to eat, but William shook his head. “I’m not hungry, Amelia. But thank you.”
“Will, you need to eat something,” Joseph said firmly.
William stared at him a moment, as if not comprehending his words. Then, he sat down at the table.
Amelia heaped up the hot food in a bowl and gave it to him. William nodded slightly and ate, his hand moving mechanically.
When the meal was finished, William stood. “Thank you.” He picked up his rucksack from where he had set it one the floor.
“Where are you going?” Joseph asked.
“I’m leaving,” he replied.
Joseph started slightly. “Leaving? Where?”
William shrugged and pulled his rucksack on. “I’m just leaving. I have to get away from here.”
Joseph stood and came to William. “You can’t just leave like this. You are in no state of mind to do that. Please stay Will, we can help you. The church is here for you.”
William shook his head. “You can’t stop me, Joseph,” he said, quietly. “I’m a man now, and you have no claim on me.”
Joseph looked helplessly at Amelia who was standing by the table, tears in her eyes. “Will, please don’t go. Please, please don’t leave,” she begged.
William wavered slightly but then shook his head. “No Amelia, I can’t stay. I’ve got to go. I have to get out of here. I feel so trapped!” he clenched his hands into fists. “I need out. I need to get away.”
Joseph felt a cold chill come over him. He understood what Will was going to do.
Amelia sighed. “Let me get you some food.”
William opened his mouth to argue, but Amelia had already gone into the kitchen. Joseph stepped forward and grabbed William’s shoulder tightly, forcing the young man to listen to him. “Will, don’t do it.”
William looked up and something flickered through his eyes. “I did you know?”
“I can tell,” Joseph replied. “I know how you feel, but you’ll never make it. They’ll kill you.”
Will shrugged and pulled away. “As if I cared anymore.”
Joseph grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him back. “William, look at me in the eye.”
William slowly looked up at him.
“You can leave. I understand needing to get away. But don’t run the boarder. You’ll never make it over, and getting yourself killed for no reason isn’t brave. You’re facing a trail right now, and what you’re trying to do is a coward’s move.”
William tried to pull away, but Joseph tightened his grip. “Go ahead and leave. Leave with my prayers, but don’t be a coward. Don’t forget the God who saved you and died for you. The God who loves you. Stay away from the boarder.”
William’s shoulders slumped and he nodded, tears trickling down his face. Joseph hugged him fiercely. “I’ll be praying for you,” he said, softly. “Come back to us someday.”
William nodded, and Joseph let him go.
Amelia came back in with a satchel of food and gave it to William. He thanked her, and she hugged him, laying a sisterly kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you both,” William said.
They nodded and walked with him to the door. William stepped out onto the street and walked swiftly down it. He turned to give them a wave. Then, he disappeared.
Joseph let out a long breath. “Lord, please be with him.”
***
The days passed, and then it was rumored the baker’s daughter was sick. Then the blacksmiths son was dead, and the weaver’s wife was coughing.
The doctors could do nothing and soon whispers of “The plague has come back,” passed from mouth to mouth.
The whispers made Joseph shudder. It was the plague that had taken his mother, Sabina’s parents, and almost half of Ardenta so many years ago. “We can’t do that again Lord,” he whispered. “Not again. The Empire is enough! Please don’t make us face the plague as well!”
Amelia and Joseph did all they could for those who were sick. They left baskets of food and stacks of wood on the steps of the families who had a sick person in the home. There seemed no way to stop the sickness, and no one had yet recovered.
Joseph was constantly praying. Praying for help and protection, especially protection for those he loved.
A week passed, and then another. Then the news came that their town was the third to be hit by the sickness. Another town had become infected the week before, and a month before that, the capital was struck.
Joseph was sick with worry over the news.
One night, as he sat by the fire, Amelia came to him. “Joseph, what’s wrong?”
“I am afraid for Sabina and the others. There is no way to get word from them, and if people have been getting sick for a month before it reached us…” his voice trailed off.
“What would you do if you weren’t married?” Amelia asked.
“Go to them,” Joseph replied, without a thought.
“Very well then,” Amelia said, getting to her feet.
Joseph looked up. “Where are you going?”
“To pack,” Amelia replied.
“For what?”
“Our trip to the capital.”
She was gone before Joseph had another chance to get a word in. He jumped to his feet. “Hold on Amelia!” he called, running into the other room.
Amelia paused, halfway up the stairs.
“We can’t just leave,” Joseph said.
“Why?” Amelia asked. “Stephen, David, and father are leading the next three Sabbath meetings, are they not?”
“Yes,” Joseph replied.
“We have no children, Mama and Papa have offered to lead prayer meetings at their home if we ever needed them to, and the farming season is over.”
“But it’s a long hard journey.”
“I know, and I’m ready. It’s only two or three days away.” She came down to the bottom step so that they could look eye to eye. “We both love Sabina,” she said, putting her arms about his neck. “And I love you. Besides, I promised Sabina we would visit.”
Joseph smiled at her. “How did I ever get a woman like you as my wife.”
Amelia laughed and gave him a kiss. Then she turned and bounded up the steps two at a time.
“I’ll go talk to your father,” Joseph called up after her.
When Joseph returned from talking to Mr. John Caddick about the prayer meeting, Amelia was ready with the bags packed.
“We’ll start bright and early in the morning,” Joseph decided.
Amelia nodded.
The next morning, the two were up before the sun. Amelia wore a thick woolen knee-length dress, woolen leggings, boots, and a cloak. Joseph wore a cloak over his normal winter clothing. The two had a quick breakfast, prayed over their journey, and then set out.
They were not even stopped by the soldiers as they walked through the gates and out into the countryside. They walked for two hours before the sun came up, and then continued all day, eating and drinking on the move, and pausing only a few times to rest. They made camp when it was too dark to see, and after a light dinner they were asleep. The next morning, they were off again. At last, just after sunset, the two came in sight of the capital city. They picked up their pace and hurried swiftly towards it and through the gates— again unchallenged. The streets were strangely empty, and those out were hurrying about their business and scurrying home again.
Joseph could still remember the way and rode eagerly along the streets until they reached the big house. Lights shown in the curtained windows, and children’s laughter spilled out into the night. Joseph grinned. The two hurried to the front door, and Joseph knocked. After a few moments the door opened to reveal Noah. “Joseph Conway! What on earth are you doing here?”
“Joseph!” Sabina gasped.
“You mean our Joseph?” Eric cried.
Joseph and Noah embraced and then Sabina reached them. There was laughter and hugging for several minutes, and Joseph was flooded with relief seeing them all safe and well.
After many questions and much talk, the reason for the journey was finally explained. Sabina and the others looked sober when Joseph told them.
“Yes, the plague has been sweeping through here,” Darrien said. “Thankfully, it seems contained in one end of the city… for now. That may very well change, and quickly. We have continued to pray about it, and God has sheltered us thus far.”
“I am so, so thankful,” Joseph said, looking around in relief.
They talked long into the night. At last, everyone went to bed. The children had already been taken up by one of the older girls, and Joseph smiled as he saw Sabina slip in and out of the rooms, tucking children in, or kissing their sleeping faces.
Joseph’s room was still empty, for Sabina had kept it ready should he ever visit. Amelia looked around it, taking in every little detail. Joseph guessed she wanted to remember it always. Sabina came to the door. “Is everything alright? Did I forget anything?”
“No Sabina, it’s perfect,” Joseph replied.
Sabina smiled gently. “I’m so glad you’ve both come.”
Amelia nodded. “I can’t wait to meet all the children tomorrow.”
Sabina laughed. “They’re quite a handful, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy them.”
“Well, I heard from Eric that Joseph was the same,” Amelia grinned, mischievously.
Joseph looked at her in mock horror.
Sabina laughed. “Sleep well, you two. And thank you for coming.”
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 18, 2024 at 12:13 pm #192304“How can we be praying for each other?” Joseph asked as the small group sat about the living room, open Bibles on their laps.
Out of curiousity, is this a Bible study or a church service?
Trying to remember who William and Rose are. Was Rose William’s wife?
William looked up and something flickered through his eyes. “I did you know?”
Is that what William was supposed to say?
The doctors could do nothing and soon whispers of “The plague has come back,” passed from mouth to mouth.
Oh, fun…
Watch out Joseph, COVID-19 restrictions are headed your way!
“What would you do if you weren’t married?” Amelia asked.
“Go to them,” Joseph replied, without a thought.
“Very well then,” Amelia said, getting to her feet.
Joseph looked up. “Where are you going?”
“To pack,” Amelia replied.
“For what?”
“Our trip to the capital.”
That’s one way to make a decision.
Don’t have too much to say with the story right now. It kind of feels like it’s the start of a new section.
December 18, 2024 at 12:18 pm #192306This was the Bible study mentioned in the section right before.
Trying to remember who William and Rose are. Was Rose William’s wife?
No, no, Will was the fellow Joseph was talking to in the inn who was also working to provide a home for his fiance.
Is that what William was supposed to say?
No. I tried to different responses and forgot to fully type what I actually wanted. It’s “How did you know.” Sorry.
Oh, fun…
Watch out Joseph, COVID-19 restrictions are headed your way!
Covid 19 was not the plague.
more people died falling out of their BEDS or being bit by SNAKES then from Covid.
Don’t have too much to say with the story right now. It kind of feels like it’s the start of a new section.
Hmmm. I guess it could be. Joseph’s married life section I suppose.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
December 18, 2024 at 12:37 pm #192307This is getting very interesting! I wonder what shenanigans will follow now they’re all together, yet I’m worried about who is getting struck next.
Amelia is a sweetheart with a spine of steel. I love when she’s on set.
One thing that caught me:
Joseph could still remember the way and rode eagerly along the streets until they reached the big house.
I thought they were walking?
Covid 19 was not the plague
Spanish Flu then. XD I recently read a book that had be terrified the antagonist was coming down with it. She was almost my favorite character in the whole book and I wanted to see her redeemed. XD
Anyway, lovely bit as usual. Thought I’d actually acknowledge I was reading it. XD
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
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