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Okay, that’s reasonable.
You win.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
So, now that I’m going with this version, do you have any overall thoughts about the section?
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Overall, it was pretty good. Some of the dialogue towards the end felt a tiny bit clunky, though.
Very well,”” Eric sighed. “I shall bare the displays of emotion for tonight, but by tomorrow hugs will be limited to once a month.”
This is funny, but it sounds old-fashioned all of a sudden. Is Eric just teasing? Does he lapse into talking formally like this often? Maybe rewording it would be better. As it is now, it kind of jumps out.
Also, for some reason, so did this:
“You’re probably right,” Asher replied. “That was one of the last ones, and it was after the officer lost patience with me. If I’d received that one sooner, I would have bled out for sure.”
And why would he have bled out if he got a cut like that sooner? Can you really bleed out from a small cut, even one that needs stitches?
Maybe rewording to something like, “You’re probably right.” Asher shifted his head to see the wound. “I think he was losing patience with us towards the end there.”
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph and Eric from Ellette*
Okay, I see what you mean. Eric was just teasing when he was being formal.
I’m envisioning a much larger cut. As I said, a “gash”And actually, depending on where the cut is, you can bleed out.Maybe not from something like that, though. That might be overdoing it. This is my first draft of this section. 😉
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Gotcha. Yeah, no problem. He did faint, so there obviously was enough blood lost for that. You’re good! So, does this mean you’ll have to rewrite a lot of what you already have, or not much since you’re about to have Joseph leave?
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph and Eric from Ellette*
Asher would not appreciate you bringing that up again. lol.
No, not much to rewrite. Just a little.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Hey, he can’t hear me. 🤭
Okay, cool. Looking forward to the next section!
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph and Eric from Ellette*
Hmm.
…
I like it. 😄 I’m still suspicious about all this new governor has in mind, which is good in a literary sense. The events make sense even as they toss the next bit into suspense. This version is less intense than the previous one, but I liked having a period of quiet worry about what would happen suddenly change to hope. It feels like it ties into your plot smoothly too. Overall, I like it a lot.
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
Good, good. I’m glad this is better.
Yesterday we reached Acts 12 in a sermon series at our church, and I almost started laughing because it was pretty perfect. So yeah, that’s where I got my inspiration.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I was wondering if that was the inspiration. Rhoda is one of my favorite Bible characters. XD
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
The humor in that chapter is so good. lol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Please be honest as y’all read this, because saving the boys is going to be a HUGE change. However, I think it may be the right one, and some interesting things happened that makes me think so. However, I am still on the edge, and I want to know in your honest opinion which direction seems best to take. (of course we all love Asher and Eric, but what fits best with what you have read of the story.)
We don’t really know what the long term effects of this are. So that makes it somewhat hard to answer. But I will answer with the context I can currently see.
What’s with suddenly swapping the governor in this new version?
Okay. So here, there is still the sense of dread, being built up by the announcement, but without the execution at the end, it turns into a sense of relief and rest for the characters. I think we can focus a little more on how Joseph is free to travel (your main storyline now) and be happy because we aren’t immediately pulled back into the darkness of the empire. Last time, it became easy to forget that Joseph had just received a huge benefit. Now we have a happy moment that is moving the story forward.
“We would have been here sooner, but Asher fainted,” Eric added through a mouthful of bread.
Asher scowled at him. “One of my least favorite moments of the whole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would forget about that.”
The humor is a nice touch. Asher and Eric seem a little laid back for having just escaped prison, but I know you are doing this intentionally and to show that they did not fear death. So keep it in.
(As I’m giving feedback for you on this, I have two tabs open. One with the old and one with the new. I keep on getting confused because I keep clicking on the old when I want to see the new then thinking ‘wait, did I miss that bad stuff? oh.’.)
“Alicia dear, would you give me just a teeny bit more?” Eric pleaded, holding up his empty bowl.
This reminds me of when Kalmar is freed after Nia declares turlay, and slurps down several bowls of Pumpkin stew.
Also. One comment that may encourage you in this choice with the story.
While Critics who analyze stories like tragedy, Readers like happy endings. I think many readers will be happy with this choice.
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