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Okay, that’s reasonable.
You win.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
So, now that I’m going with this version, do you have any overall thoughts about the section?
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Overall, it was pretty good. Some of the dialogue towards the end felt a tiny bit clunky, though.
Very well,”” Eric sighed. “I shall bare the displays of emotion for tonight, but by tomorrow hugs will be limited to once a month.”
This is funny, but it sounds old-fashioned all of a sudden. Is Eric just teasing? Does he lapse into talking formally like this often? Maybe rewording it would be better. As it is now, it kind of jumps out.
Also, for some reason, so did this:
“You’re probably right,” Asher replied. “That was one of the last ones, and it was after the officer lost patience with me. If I’d received that one sooner, I would have bled out for sure.”
And why would he have bled out if he got a cut like that sooner? Can you really bleed out from a small cut, even one that needs stitches?
Maybe rewording to something like, “You’re probably right.” Asher shifted his head to see the wound. “I think he was losing patience with us towards the end there.”
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
Okay, I see what you mean. Eric was just teasing when he was being formal.
I’m envisioning a much larger cut. As I said, a “gash”And actually, depending on where the cut is, you can bleed out.Maybe not from something like that, though. That might be overdoing it. This is my first draft of this section. 😉
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Gotcha. Yeah, no problem. He did faint, so there obviously was enough blood lost for that. You’re good! So, does this mean you’ll have to rewrite a lot of what you already have, or not much since you’re about to have Joseph leave?
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
Asher would not appreciate you bringing that up again. lol.
No, not much to rewrite. Just a little.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Hey, he can’t hear me. 🤭
Okay, cool. Looking forward to the next section!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
Hmm.
…
I like it. 😄 I’m still suspicious about all this new governor has in mind, which is good in a literary sense. The events make sense even as they toss the next bit into suspense. This version is less intense than the previous one, but I liked having a period of quiet worry about what would happen suddenly change to hope. It feels like it ties into your plot smoothly too. Overall, I like it a lot.
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
Good, good. I’m glad this is better.
Yesterday we reached Acts 12 in a sermon series at our church, and I almost started laughing because it was pretty perfect. So yeah, that’s where I got my inspiration.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I was wondering if that was the inspiration. Rhoda is one of my favorite Bible characters. XD
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
The humor in that chapter is so good. lol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Please be honest as y’all read this, because saving the boys is going to be a HUGE change. However, I think it may be the right one, and some interesting things happened that makes me think so. However, I am still on the edge, and I want to know in your honest opinion which direction seems best to take. (of course we all love Asher and Eric, but what fits best with what you have read of the story.)
We don’t really know what the long term effects of this are. So that makes it somewhat hard to answer. But I will answer with the context I can currently see.
What’s with suddenly swapping the governor in this new version?
Okay. So here, there is still the sense of dread, being built up by the announcement, but without the execution at the end, it turns into a sense of relief and rest for the characters. I think we can focus a little more on how Joseph is free to travel (your main storyline now) and be happy because we aren’t immediately pulled back into the darkness of the empire. Last time, it became easy to forget that Joseph had just received a huge benefit. Now we have a happy moment that is moving the story forward.
“We would have been here sooner, but Asher fainted,” Eric added through a mouthful of bread.
Asher scowled at him. “One of my least favorite moments of the whole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would forget about that.”
The humor is a nice touch. Asher and Eric seem a little laid back for having just escaped prison, but I know you are doing this intentionally and to show that they did not fear death. So keep it in.
(As I’m giving feedback for you on this, I have two tabs open. One with the old and one with the new. I keep on getting confused because I keep clicking on the old when I want to see the new then thinking ‘wait, did I miss that bad stuff? oh.’.)
“Alicia dear, would you give me just a teeny bit more?” Eric pleaded, holding up his empty bowl.
This reminds me of when Kalmar is freed after Nia declares turlay, and slurps down several bowls of Pumpkin stew.
Also. One comment that may encourage you in this choice with the story.
While Critics who analyze stories like tragedy, Readers like happy endings. I think many readers will be happy with this choice.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
Thanks so much for the feedback! I’m feeling pretty confidant with this new switch, so you can delete the old version. lol.
What’s with suddenly swapping the governor in this new version?
well, a few reasons.
1. Flows better with the idea that they just opened the gates after 7 years.
2. Why else would Asher and Eric have suddenly been released?
3. If I want to avoid any more death scenes (for the time being,) there has to be a reason why the Empire stopped hunting the Believers.
4. A nice touch pulled from Acts 12, (which was my inspiration for this scene.) God struck him with illness and he died. No one knows this but me, but I still want it there. God isn’t going to stand by and let the wicked continue their schemes. They will be punished, in this life or the next.
Does all that make sense?
Thank you so much for the feedback!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h @elishavet-pidyon @grcr
NEXT SECTION
The next morning when Joseph woke, he lay in bed a moment, trying to remember what had happened the day before. All at once it came back to him and he scrambled to his feet. Yanking on his vest he hurried into the hall and knocked on Asher and Eric’s door.
“Come in,” Asher said.
Joseph opened the door and stepped in. Asher was seated on his bed and Eric was pulling on a vest. “Good morning,” Joseph said.
“Morning,” Asher replied, stifling a yawn.
Joseph moved to his side. “How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” Asher said, with a smile. “But I slept well. Beds are far nicer than stone floors.”
Joseph reached out a hand to lay on his shoulder but pulled back when he noticed the bandages. “How’s the shoulder?”
“I think the stiches hurt worse than the actual wound,” Asher replied with a grimace.
“I can’t believe Sabina was able do that. Alicia left the room looking a little sick,” Joseph remarked.
“I left the room feeling very sick,” Eric added with a grin.
“She would have made a good battlefield medic,” Asher agreed.
Joseph slowly shook his head. “I just can’t believe you two are here, and now the gates are open…”
“Maybe one day the Empire will get out,” Eric suggested.
Asher shook his head. “I doubt it. I think we need to accept the fact that they are here, and they hate us, but God is in control, whatever happens.”
Joseph nodded soberly.
“I smell breakfast, I’m off,” Eric said as he headed for the door.
Joseph gave Asher a hand up, and Asher smile his thanks. “Joseph, now that the gates are open, do you plan to leave?”
Joseph nodded. “Noah might come with me. Will you go find a farm?”
Asher lifted his shoulders slightly and then winced. “I’m not sure. I’d like to, but I think I need to stay here for a while longer, especially if you and Noah are leaving.”
“Is it safe?” Joseph asked.
“The amount of people leaving the city is going to make it easier to find work,” Asher replied. “I’ll go somewhere I’m not recognized. This is a very big city.”
Joseph nodded.
“We had better get down there before Eric eats the table clean,” Asher remarked.
Joseph grinned and the two headed downstairs.
After breakfast, Asher went back to his room to rest and Joseph, Noah, and Darrien left for work.
That evening Joseph nearly ran the whole way home and arrived breathless. Sabina met him in the doorway with a bright smile. “Good evening, Joseph, how was work?”
“Geed,” Joseph replied. “How are Asher and Eric?”
“Asher is still resting, and Eric is in the kitchen with Alicia trying to snitch dinner,” Sabina replied.
Joseph chuckled as he pulled off his boots. “Sabina, may I talk to you?”
“Of course,” she replied. The two moved to the wide windowsill in the Livingroom. When they were seated, Sabina looked up. “What’s on your mind, Joseph?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about the family Leon and Julian told us of,” Joseph began.
Sabina nodded. “So have I.”
“Sabina, I think— I know— God is calling me to go there.”
For a moment Sabina sat in silence, her hands folded in her lap. At last, she looked up. “I thought as much.”
“Do you think I shouldn’t?” Joseph asked, anxiously.
“No… no I believe you should go. I’m just going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too, Sabina,” Joseph replied gently.
Sabina leaned against him, and Joseph hugged her. After a moment, she straightened. “I had better see to it all your clothing is clean and mended.” She stood up but paused. “I have the rucksack that belonged to Aaron. Would you like to take it?”
“Oh Sabina, I couldn’t—”
Sabina held up a hand to stop his protest. “He would have wanted you to have it.”
Joseph smiled. “Thank you, Sabina. Thank you.”
***
All that week was spent in prayer and planning. It was decided that Noah would accompany Joseph to the town and see that he was well connected with any Christians there, before returning to continue work with Darrien in the Capital and care for Sabina and Alicia.
It was two days before they set out on their journey, and Joseph was packing his things. He smiled as he ran a hand over the patches sewn into a pair of pants. Sabina had always been so kind, gentle and thoughtful. It would be hard to leave her.
Joseph stared down at the nearly full pack, going over everything in his mind. After a moment he turned and walked to the corner of the room. Dropping to his knees, he opened his treasure chest. It had been a few years since he looked at the things that lay within, and for a moment he knelt quietly, letting his eyes move over each item. Joseph reached in and pulled out the Psalm Adrian had copied down, and the letter Arron had written.
He hesitated for a moment, and then shut the lid.
Joseph got to his feet and moved to his desk. He picked up his journal and slid the two pieces of paper into the pages where they would be safe. Putting his Bible and journal on top of his rucksack, he looked about the room one last time to see there was nothing else he had forgotten.
Joseph smiled sadly. He had lived here for so many years. How much joy, sorrow, pain, and laughter had filled each day? How many of the dearest friends he would ever have had been made in this place? This little home, in the middle of the capital city, was more home than anything else he would ever know. He would go out and find new places and meet new people, but it would always be here that his heart returned when he thought or spoke of home.
Joseph walked quietly from his room and into the hall. He could hear Noah and Darrien talking quietly together, and he smiled. Joseph turned toward the stairs but paused. Turning around, he walked down the hall to the last door on the left. It was cracked open, and he knocked on the frame.
“Come in,” came Sabina’s voice.
Joseph pushed open the door and looked in. “Sabina, can I talk to you?”
Sabina was sitting on her bed, her Bible in her lap. She looked up and smiled at him. “Of course, Joseph.”
Joseph came in, and Sabina swung her legs off the side of the bed, motioning him to sit beside her. He did, and for a while neither spoke. At last, Sabina found her voice. “My dear boy goes out into the unknown.”
Joseph looked up at her, his eyes bright with tears. “It’s so hard to leave you, Sabina.”
Sabina hugged him. “It’s so hard to see you leave. You have been a son to me, and it breaks my heart to lose you. Yet, I am also filled with such pride and joy at seeing you follow God’s call.” She let him go and looked into his eyes, gently pushing back a stray wave of hair from his forehead. “You remind me of Aaron. You have his courage and faith, and I am so, so glad to see you follow in his steps, and–– most importantly–– in the steps of Jesus Christ. This is a special day. You have begun a new year and are about to begin a new journey.”
Joseph looked at her in confusion. “A new year?”
“Yes, silly boy,” Sabina laughed, but tears filled her eyes. She leant forward and kissed him gently on the forehead. “Happy birthday darling. Did you not remember? You are twenty years old today.”
Joseph laughed, but his throat was tight, and tears filled his eyes. “With everything that’s happened I guess I forgot. Oh Sabina––” he couldn’t say more, and instead threw his arms about her, holding her as if he would never let go.
Sabina hugged him back, crying softly against his shoulder. “Come back to me some day,” she whispered.
“I will, oh I will. I promise,” Joseph replied hoarsely.
“I love you Joseph, my dear, dear boy,” Sabina whispered.
Joseph closed his eyes against tears. “I love you too, Sabina.”
After a moment, Sabina let go, and Joseph slowly sat back, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Sabina got up and walked to a chest lying in the corner of the room. Opening it, she reached in and pulled something out. She came back to Joseph, a worn leather book in her hands. “This is Aaron’s journal. He started it when he felt called to come to Ardenta. I thought you would like to read the beginning where he prepared to leave his family.”
“Oh Sabina,” Joseph breathed. “Are you sure?”
Sabina smiled and nodded. “I know you want to talk to him about this, don’t you.”
Joseph looked down and nodded. “There are so many things I want to ask him. he was so much wiser than me…” he trailed off.
“I don’t know about that,” Sabina replied, gently. “But I understand how you feel. You can’t talk to him, but perhaps you can draw strength reading his thoughts and prayers as he prepared to come to us. You may read what you like, except past the place where I tore out the letters for you and the others. He wrote some privet letters to me after that.”
“I won’t read them,” Joseph assured. “I will be sure to give it back before I leave.”
Sabina leaned forward and kissed his forehead again. “I love you, Joseph. I’ll pray for you every day; I promise.”
“And I will do the same for you,” Joseph replied, looking up at her earnestly. “You have been the most wonderful mother a boy could ever wish for. Thank you.”
Sabina smiled, wiping tears from her eyes. She looked at Joseph for a long moment, and at last she spoke. “What is troubling you?”
Joseph looked down. “It will be hard to leave.”
“There is something more,” Sabina pressed.
Joseph looked away, running a finger along the spine of the journal he held in his hand. At last, he spoke, his voice low and slightly ashamed. “I… I am afraid, Sabina. I am afraid that should I be called upon to give up my faith or die, I won’t have the strength to do what I know is right! When I think of it, I feel sick with fear. They are so, so cruel, and they have the power to do anything they want. I’m afraid I will falter when the time comes.”
Sabina put her hand on his shoulder. “Joseph, others were as afraid as you are now. I know that you are not the first to feel this way. But you are right. There is no way you will ever have the strength.”
“What?” Joseph exclaimed, pulling away to stare at her.
“Not one of the many who have died for Christ had the strength. It was given to them by God when they called upon His name. He will carry you when you fall, and He will give you the strength to endure,” Sabina said gently. “Joseph, Aaron felt the same fear you face now.”
“He did?” Joseph asked, his tone unbelieving.
Sabina nodded. She looked at the floor, her hands clasped loosely in her lap. “When Aaron was arrested, I was able to go and speak to him. Do you remember?”
Joseph nodded, a tightness in his throat.
“He was afraid, Joseph, oh he was so scared! We both were. We loved each other so deeply, and both of us were terrified of his death. But we both loved God more. He gave up his life and the marriage we might have had for his Savior, and I was in complete agreement with what he did. We were both so afraid, but we called on God for strength, and He gave it to us. He gave Aaron the strength to die, and me the strength to let him go.” Tears ran freely down her face now, and for a moment she couldn’t speak. Then she gathered herself and spoke in a choked voice. “The very last thing I ever did with Aaron, was pray. The last moments we ever spent together were moments of prayer. He was scared Joseph. He’s hands were shaking when he held mine. But God gave him strength. The look of peace and courage in his eyes, the firmness and willingness to lay down his life… it was all because of Christ in him. That was what made Aaron the man he was.”
Joseph looked down at his hands. Somehow, he couldn’t meet Sabina’s eyes as she spoke so openly about such a deep moment. When she finished, there was silence save for Sabina’s quiet crying. After a few moments, she caught her breath and laid a hand on Joseph’s shoulder.
Joseph lifted his head and looked at Sabina. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Of course,” Sabina replied. Then her expression grew serious, and her hand tightened on his shoulder. “Joseph, if ever you must face that trial, hold on to your Father in heaven, and pray for strength. He will give it to you, for so He has promised.”
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle Looks good!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
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