Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › The Veil of Night– second book in The Flames of Hope Saga
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November 16, 2024 at 12:57 pm #190080
“I don’t know. He finally got to a point where he stopped threatening to kill us every other minute. But from then on, he just listened silently. When he left, he made no indication that he was ever coming back. all I know is something changed his mind in respect to killing us. Beyond that…” Noah shrugged again.
It occurs to me that Sabina and Julian are similar. Both have a brother who became a Christian, and they both thought he had gone crazy, which made them resistant to hearing the gospel and angry at whoever shared it with their brother. So I’m wondering if Sabina is going to recall how she acted and how this may impact her interaction with Julian.
“Oh Sabina!” Sher wailed.
Asher?
“I’m sorry, Sabina,” Joseph said, trying a wiser tack. “I won’t fight again.”
I don’t know why, but in this section, I was hit a little more by your telling instead of showing. For example, the ‘traying a wiser tack’ feels unnecessary in the sentence above since we can already see from Joseph’s words that he isn’t happy about being in trouble and is tying to find a way out. Try to keep an eye out for things like this.
“And to make sure there is no fighting, I’ll make sure you really have to do it together.” Sabina reached for her hair and untied the leather cord that held it in place. “Give me your hands.”
Asher and Joseph nervously held out their hands.
Sabina took Asher’s left hand and tide it securely to Joseph’s right. “There now. You two had better find a way to get along, or else the job will never be done.” With that, she turned and walked back toward the house.
Interesting and amusing form of punishment. I’ve seen this before, but usually, the two who disagree just happen to end up tied together instead of someone tying them together to teach them to get along.
“Does God help you not to be scared?” Asher asked.
Joseph nodded. “When I ask Him.”
“I wish He would help me.”
Joseph looked at his friend. “He will, Asher.”
This isn’t bad, but again, something you asked me to keep an eye out for. This is another area where Joseph is starting to feel like Aaron. Being strong in his faith in others, but in reality, struggling quite a lot with his own fears and doubts.
November 16, 2024 at 12:57 pm #190081Forgot your tag on the previous post
November 16, 2024 at 1:14 pm #190091There was a little box holding the ring that had been his mother’s. Her favorite shawl was folded beside his father’s hunting knife. His very own Bible lay with the treasures, and beside it were several shiny stone from the creek that flowed through his father’s farm. Joseph leaned forward and set the papers gently back into the box.
Did you steal this from Martha Humler? (Before you flip the question on me, no I did not steal this from Joseph. I unfortunately don’t have access to a time machine.)
Nice to see Joseph reflecting on his own father now.
Leon continued. “There was a peace about Aaron that I could not understand. He had such confidence, and I felt he knew something I didn’t. Something that changed everything. Then Adrian ran. I looked everywhere for him, hoping to reach him first and talk reason into him. I was sure it was a mistake. I did not make it in time to save him, but now I don’t believe anything I could have said would have swayed him. Adrian was not the same boy I have known for so many years. Years ago, I gave up believing in my gods. I went through the rites customary to a soldier, and I offered the prayers and libations that were necessary, but my heart was not in it. Not after what they did to me. However, that night I begged the gods to spare Adrian. I prayed as I have only ever prayed one other time. But Adrian still died.”
Five soldiers, willing to listen? Nice.
I was going to say, if the soliders learned that the Christians had been praying that Adrian would not die, that would complicate things a bit. But then I went back and discovered that in the prayers you shared, they only prayed that Adrian would not be afraid and that he would remain strong, so I guess you don’t have to deal with that then.
November 16, 2024 at 5:11 pm #190100It occurs to me that Sabina and Julian are similar. Both have a brother who became a Christian, and they both thought he had gone crazy, which made them resistant to hearing the gospel and angry at whoever shared it with their brother. So I’m wondering if Sabina is going to recall how she acted and how this may impact her interaction with Julian.
Very good observation, peasant. The crown highly approves of the fact that you were able to see our literary mastery and skills as a writer.
(*hurriedly takes notes on what you just said.*)
I don’t know why, but in this section, I was hit a little more by your telling instead of showing. For example, the ‘traying a wiser tack’ feels unnecessary
got it. thx
Interesting and amusing form of punishment. I’ve seen this before, but usually, the two who disagree just happen to end up tied together instead of someone tying them together to teach them to get along.
Lol. It’s very affective. Trust me…………..
This isn’t bad, but again, something you asked me to keep an eye out for. This is another area where Joseph is starting to feel like Aaron. Being strong in his faith in others, but in reality, struggling quite a lot with his own fears and doubts.
well I want Joseph to have SOME faith. Plus, its easy to say something and not so easy to actually do it. Plus, he still has his whole flaw with thinking Noah and people like him know everything. Idk. I want this scene, but are you suggesting I write it differently?
Did you steal this from Martha Humler? (Before you flip the question on me, no I did not steal this from Joseph. I unfortunately don’t have access to a time machine.)
Huh?
Goes back and reads through you WIP.
Oh, that. No. I didn’t. first off, we have established that I started this saga years before you started yours, so technically I wrote this scene first.
Secondly, I forgot about that scene with Martha.
And thirdly; No. i didn’t.
Nice to see Joseph reflecting on his own father now.
🙂
Five soldiers, willing to listen? Nice.
I was going to say, if the soliders learned that the Christians had been praying that Adrian would not die, that would complicate things a bit. But then I went back and discovered that in the prayers you shared, they only prayed that Adrian would not be afraid and that he would remain strong, so I guess you don’t have to deal with that then.
Yes, that could have been a problem.
Now we have finally met LEON!!!!! What do you think of him? (I’m interested because you have so far been the only one to recognize him appearing consistently through both these books.)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 16, 2024 at 5:43 pm #190106Just watching Avatar the Last Airbender for the first time with my sibling in. 12 Chapters into Book 1 right now. Prince Zuko and his uncle have been my favourite characters so far.
Lol. It’s very affective. Trust me…………..
Sounds like you are speaking form experience here.
well I want Joseph to have SOME faith. Plus, its easy to say something and not so easy to actually do it. Plus, he still has his whole flaw with thinking Noah and people like him know everything. Idk. I want this scene, but are you suggesting I write it differently?
I think it’s alright. Just pointing it out like you asked me to.
Now we have finally met LEON!!!!! What do you think of him? (I’m interested because you have so far been the only one to recognize him appearing consistently through both these books.)
I take it this is one of your favourite characters?
Well kind of suspected that he would eventually become a Christian, so I’m not surprised to see him here. (as I am suspecting that Zuko has a redemption arc)
*goes back to look at Leon scenes again*
Oh hey, he was the guy who gave them permission to look among the dead for their loved ones after the war, wasn’t he?
He seemed to be someone who lives with regret. Earlier he told Sabina that Adrian was dangerous. Did he truly believe that?
I feel like I need to see some more of him before I can give you my full thoughts. Right now he is just a solider who is not as cruel as the empire he serves (though not perfect), and is seeking to know more.
November 16, 2024 at 5:52 pm #190109I had no idea what that picture was from. i just saw the meme the other day and thought of it. It was perfect.
Sounds like you are speaking form experience here
Let’s just say, a long time ago, the last fight I had with my brother ended when mom duct taped our wrists together.
For the whole day.
We had to do school together, eat together, play together, do chores together. It was traumatic. lololololol. At least I had my right hand free, but i had to keep my left limp so that he could use his right. You really do learn to get along very fast during that time. lolololol.
Oh hey, he was the guy who gave them permission to look among the dead for their loved ones after the war, wasn’t he?
Yup! That’s also him!
Are you organizing all the character scenes? I don’t know how you can weed through the LTBL forum and find them!
He seemed to be someone who lives with regret. Earlier he told Sabina that Adrian was dangerous. Did he truly believe that?
it was the lie they were forced to tell all Ardentans in order to try and get them to comply.
Right now he is just a solider who is not as cruel as the empire he serves (though not perfect), and is seeking to know more.
Regrets. Pain. Rejection. Yeah……. you’ve just about got it. He wants to be an honorable soldier. But……. well I’ll stop going on unless you want me to. He’s just someone who hold honor and valor very highly.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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