Home Page › Forums › Fiction Writing › Critiques › Novel Critique Requests › The Veil of Night– second book in The Flames of Hope Saga
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November 15, 2024 at 12:11 pm #189876
Lovely, lovely.
Thank you so much!
I am editing up the next section an should post it soon.
That makes sense about Adrian. So wait, are you older or younger then your brother? (I guess you would actually have background on the relationship from both prospectives. Either from being the youngest, like Joseph, or the older one, like Adrian.)
Also, other than the war, there was not too much violence. Noah was beat up, but we were not there for it. Other than that, the only violence I can recall is Aaron’s death.
okay, okay. I’ll give you that.
I tend to ignore the topic of angels and demons. I don’t deny that they exist and pray every day that God will protect me from the Devil, but it’s something I have chosen not to dwell on. The way I look at it is that it is up to God to protect us from demons, and we ought to pay more attention to fighting our own sin and following Christ. In my own writing, I don’t have any references to demons and would like to keep it that way. However, I’ve been wondering recently if I should pay more attention to angels and demons. I’ve been meaning to talk to someone about this more.
I can’t say I can agree with you on that. At least, not all the way. Even I can still sense demonic presence in some places. I’m not showing what is happening in the spiritual realm as much as showing that it is there, and people, (especially children) can be made aware of it. Especially in situations like this.
The Bible is full of angels and demons. And the warfare that goes one between them. and the way they interact with/effect people and things in the world.
Yes, God can protect us from them, and He will. However, I think that ignoring the Spiritual realm is not a good idea either.
*shrug* that’s just my opinion.
Let’s say both. Bad for the people, but shows some attention to detail in good writing. Of course, it’s bad how the culture is shifting to that of the empire, but this also reflects the people’s fear of not wanting to be caught in the wrong, or how they are starting to become dependent on the empire. Either way, it shows the empire is a powerful force.
Yeah, and that the people are just so, so angry that they’re losing their minds and are ready to lay into anything anyone tells them is causing their problems.
Ah. But if I killed you over this, would I only prove that I deal with my emotions through anger? That would not help my case in the least.
I don’t know. I just committed the horrible crime of generalization once, and got my head bit off. So, yeah. I begrudgingly clarify, though part of my says “scrap opinions and outbursts of anger, and just go ahead and say something.”
The interesting life of rebellion and sardonic humor clashing with common sense, which says people will get so hung up on how I said it, that they won’t even listen to what I said.
Also, did you just get a humor streak? I have not seen you crack this many jokes and make this many funny comments before. lol.
Maybe I haven’t said enough stoopid things for you to start getting funny back. haha.
Oh, btw, you ruined my life.
I got so used to reading your British spellings of words, (especially Saviour) that I can’t spell anymore! I already have a hard time with spelling (the English language is atrocious) But now you made things worse!
I don’t think I’ll forgive you for that one.
lololololololol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 12:14 pm #189877@linus-smallprint While I did agree that Ellette’s concept of Joseph sensing evil in the temple was realistic, I can get behind you too when you say you don’t want to write about demons and such.
Personally, I think it all depends on the story. Your story has no need of it anyway, so it wouldn’t be wise to include it.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
November 15, 2024 at 12:21 pm #189882I am editing up the next section an should post it soon.
Good. I’m going to be working on my own book/school assignments, so I probably won’t read it until my break at work.
So wait, are you older or younger then your brother?
I’m the eldest. Remember that whole eldest child sympathy party I started with Martha?
Yes, God can protect us from them, and He will. However, I think that ignoring the Spiritual realm is not a good idea either.
I’m going to try to do some more research on this hopefully soon.
Also, did you just get a humor streak? I have not seen you crack this many jokes and make this many funny comments before. lol.
Maybe I haven’t said enough stoopid things for you to start getting funny back. haha.
*Shrugs* Probably just have been on here long enough that I’m now overcoming my introverted shyness
I got so used to reading your British spellings of words, (especially Saviour) that I can’t spell anymore! I already have a hard time with spelling (the English language is atrocious) But now you made things worse!
Let me help you get back on track with your American spelling:
November 15, 2024 at 12:26 pm #189885@keilah-h
Thanks!November 15, 2024 at 12:27 pm #189887@linus-smallprint you’re welcome!!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
November 15, 2024 at 12:30 pm #189891I’m the eldest. Remember that whole eldest child sympathy party I started with Martha?
Ah yes. I remember now.
Let me help you get back on track with your American spelling:
You are horrid.
That doesn’t help.
It’s reading. I’m reading you write that word wrong, and now I’m spelling it wrong.
And now, to top it off, I have 1st John 4:14 running loops in my head.
Just perfect.
Why am I heavily sympathizing with Bastille at this moment?
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 1:51 pm #189917@hybridlore @linus-smallprint @koshka @keilah-h
NEXT SECTION
It wasn’t long before Asher, Eric, and Alicia were also awake. The five sat silently in the bedroom, listening breathlessly for any sound from downstairs. At last, Alicia spoke. “Do you think I should go down there and check?”
Sabina shook her head. “Noah said to stay.”
“But if Noah’s dead–”
“Alicia!” Sabina cut in sharply.
Alicia glanced at the three little boys watching her, and then back at Sabina. She let out a slow breath and folded her hands. “We’ll wait for Noah.”
At that moment, something moved downstairs.
Everyone held their breath. Joseph glanced at Asher, who was sitting on the bed with his arms around Eric. He looked back at Sabina who stood stiffly by the window. Someone was walking slowly toward the stairs. After a few moments, the stairs creaked, and steps began to ascend.
A whimper escaped Eric, and Alicia backed away from the door.
The steps reached the top of the stairs and stopped. Joseph couldn’t breathe. He longed to jump out of bed and run to Sabina, but he didn’t dare make a sound.
The man in the hall began moving again, coming closer.
All eyes turned to the door.
The steps stopped again, and the knob turned. The door opened and Joseph gasped.
Noah leaned in, his eyes red-rimmed and his hair sticking wildly in all directions.
Alicia let out a sob of relief and Sabina relaxed. “Oh Noah,” she gasped. “Oh, you frightened us!”
“I’m sorry,” Noah replied, stifling a yawn. “I came up here to check on you, but everyone was asleep. I’m afraid I dozed off for a few hours after that.” He rubbed his palm over his eyes.
“Noah, what happened down there?” Sabina asked.
“We talked for quite some time,” Noah began. “It wasn’t until morning that he finally left.”
“And was anyone hurt?” Sabina asked, her voice shaking slightly.
Noah shook his head. “Everyone is safe.”
“Oh, thank God,” Sabina breathed.
Noah nodded and yawned again. “There were a few times that I was pretty sure we wouldn’t make it through the night alive. But God shielded us.”
“And… and where is Julian now?” Alicia ventured.
Noah shrugged. “Back to his regiment, I suppose.”
“Did he listen to you?” Sabina asked.
“I don’t know. He finally got to a point where he stopped threatening to kill us every other minute. But from then on, he just listened silently. When he left, he made no indication that he was ever coming back. all I know is something changed his mind in respect to killing us. Beyond that…” Noah shrugged again.
There was a long silence. Joseph looked from one to the other of the three adults. He could tell that they had come to an understanding. An understanding that made them all nervous.
At last, Sabina let out a deep breath. “We should head down and make something to eat.” She turned to the boys. “Get up and get dressed. It’s already late in the morning.”
“Darrien is getting a few more minutes sleep before we have to leave for work,” Noah said.
“Is that wise?” Sabina asked.
Noah lifted his hands in defeat. “We have to go. It doesn’t matter. If we don’t then we’ll be reported.”
Joseph climbed out of bed and picked up his clothes from where they lay in a pile on the floor. He stumbled sleepily into his room to get dressed. He wasn’t sure what to think, but something told him things would never be the same after what happened last night.
The day passed slowly. Sabina and Alicia were jumpy, and almost ever sound frightened them. Asher, Eric, and Joseph were tired and volatile. And, worst of all, Adrian was gone. Gone forever.
Sabina finally sent the boys outside to play, unsure of what else to do to lighten the tension they all felt.
“Joseph, come and play,” Asher pleaded.
Joseph sat on the steps leading up to the roof. He was trying very, very hard not to think about Adrian, and trying even harder not to cry. Still, the tears came anyway. He didn’t look up when Asher spoke. “I don’t want to,” he said, his voice muffled.
Asher kicked the ball at him, but Joseph ignored it.
“Oh, stop moping,” Asher complained.
Joseph glared at him.
Asher kicked the ball again, and it hit Joseph in the leg.
“Stop it!” Joseph snapped.
“Make me,” Asher taunted.
Joseph slowly rose, shaking his head in a “you-asked-for-it” manner. He stepped forward and shoved Asher. “I said to stop.”
Asher shoved him back.
Joseph pushed him harder, and Asher stumbled a step back. They eyed one another a moment, and the next moment they were at each other, fists flying. The three boys had wrestled plenty of times before, but this was not the same. This time they were angry, and they were trying to hurt one another. Asher fell first, and Joseph dove on him. Asher pulled Joseph’s hair and Joseph smacked Asher in the face.
The next moment, strong hands had pulled the boys apart. “Enough!” Sabina yelled.
Asher and Joseph froze. Sabina hardly ever raised her voice, and when she did, there was no arguing with her.
“What in all of Ardenta were you two doing?” Sabina demanded, angrily.
“Asher wouldn’t leave me alone!” Joseph complained.
“Joseph was sitting on the stairs crying like a girl,” Asher retorted.
“Asher! That was cruel!” Sabina exclaimed.
Asher hung his head.
“I can’t believe you two,” Sabina continued, tears starting in her eyes. “After everything that happened in the last two days, all you can do is fight and try to bloody each other in the streets? What in all this earth has gotten into you?”
Joseph began to cry, and Asher shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes still on the ground.
Sabina let them go and crossed her arms. “I’m ashamed of you both.”
At that, Asher began to cry to. For Sabina to be ashamed of them was one of the worst things that could happen.
Sabina was silent for a long moment, trying to decide what to do. At last, she spoke. “I want you two to apologize to one another.”
Joseph eyed Asher warily.
“Go on,” Sabina encouraged.
“Sorry,” Joseph mumbled.
Sabina raised an eyebrow and Joseph looked down. “Sorry for fighting.”
“I’m sorry for fighting too,” Asher muttered.
Sabina hesitated, looking from one to the other. At last, she reached down and picked up the ball. “I want you three to play nicely together while Alicia and I get some work done in the house.”
They nodded sheepishly.
Sabina’s face softened. “I know the past few days have been hard on you both. All of us are hurting, and we’re all afraid. Please don’t make it worse.”
Asher nodded and Joseph looked up. “We won’t, Sabina.”
Sabina smiled at them both and then turned to head back to the house.
Asher turned to Eric. “You’re on my team. Let’s beat Joseph.”
Joseph crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “You just try.”
It was only about thirty minutes later when the next fight started.
“I crossed the line,” Asher insisted.
“Not before the ball touched the ground,” Joseph argued back.
“That’s not true. You tripped me, but I fell inside the line and that’s when it touched the ground.”
“No, it touched before we called game over. The rules are no ground at all.”
Asher clenched his fists. “Are you saying I’m lying?”
“No, I’m just saying you’re wrong,” Joseph replied.
Asher dropped the ball and took a step forward. “Take that back!”
Joseph moved toward him. “You make me.”
“Asher, Joseph, Sabina said not to fight!” Eric warned.
Asher and Joseph ignored him. They were toe-to-toe now, glaring at one another. Joseph was the taller of the two, but not by much.
“You’re just mad that you lost,” Asher said.
“No, you’re a cheater,” Joseph retorted.
Asher raised his fist.
“Boys!”
Joseph and Asher jumped apart and turned. Sabina was walking toward them, a very stern look on her face. “Asher, were you about to hit Joseph?”
“He’s being a beast!” Asher yelled.
“No, I’m not! He–”
Sabina raised a hand. “I don’t want to hear any more about it.” She looked down at the two. “Obviously free time is not a good idea.”
Asher moaned.
Sabina gave him a disapproving look.
“I’m sorry, Sabina,” Joseph said, trying a wiser tack. “I won’t fight again.”
“You told me that thirty minutes ago,” Sabina replied. She wasn’t buying it.
Asher and Joseph glanced at each other. They were in for it now.
“Asher, I want you to sweep the kitchen and Joseph, you can dust the cellar stairs.” Sabina decided.
Joseph sighed and Asher kicked a lose stone.
Sabina turned, but then paused. “On second thought, if it’s getting along, you’re having a problem with, you had better scrub all the upstairs floors together.”
“Oh Sabina!” Sher wailed.
“And to make sure there is no fighting, I’ll make sure you really have to do it together.” Sabina reached for her hair and untied the leather cord that held it in place. “Give me your hands.”
Asher and Joseph nervously held out their hands.
Sabina took Asher’s left hand and tide it securely to Joseph’s right. “There now. You two had better find a way to get along, or else the job will never be done.” With that, she turned and walked back toward the house.
Asher and Joseph glared at one another. Finally, Joseph started forward, yanking Asher after him. Asher stumbled a few paces, and then dug his heals in. Joseph turned on him. “Hurry up!”
“Stop dragging me,” Asher retorted.
Joseph tried to cross his arms, but Asher kept him from doing it. He let out a breath of frustration. “Asher, please walk with me to the house.”
Asher pretended to think about it for a moment. At last, he looked up. “Joseph, I think we should walk to the house.” He turned and started off toward it.
Joseph growled under his breath. This was going to be a very long day.
***
Asher and Joseph knelt across from one another, scrubbing away at one of the bedroom floors. They had stopped making things hard for one another, and now they were sulking. Their wrists were red and rubbed raw from yanking on each other, and the floor was covered in water because Asher had fallen against the bucket in one of their scuffles.
They had been working for two hours and this was only the first room. They would have been done long ago, but they refused to work together. Joseph didn’t know why he was upset with Asher. In fact, he couldn’t remember when the quarrel had started. All he knew was that he was angry with him, and he wasn’t ready to stop being angry.
“I already scrubbed that,” Asher said.
“Well, I can’t reach any farther unless you move,” Joseph told him.
Asher just shrugged.
Joseph sighed and splashed his rag into one of the many puddles of water on the floor. Some of the water splattered on Asher’s arm, and he looked up. Joseph kept scrubbing diligently.
A moment later, water sprayed him in the back.
Joseph turned and splashed Asher.
Asher returned fire.
In a few moments the two were in a full out splashing war. However, when Sabina came hurrying upstairs to put an end to another fight, she found something different. Asher and Joseph were drenched, and they were laughing. The two were trying to splash one another, but with their hands tied together it wasn’t really working.
Sabina watched for a few moments to make sure they were having fun, and then she quietly left.
The battle ended when Asher and Joseph both tried to splash one another and ended up tumbling over in a tangle. When they got themselves free, they were still laughing. After a moment, Joseph looked up. “I’m sorry for being mean to you.”
“I’m sorry too,” Asher replied.
Joesph surveyed the sopping floor. “You know, if we knelt next to each other, it would be easier to reach far away.
Asher nodded and moved to Joseph’s side. Soon the two were scrubbing away quiet cheerfully. When they finished with the room, Asher asked if they could rest a moment before moving on.
Joseph agreed, so the two sat down.
Joseph looked about the room and let out a long breath. At last, he spoke. “Are you scared of soldiers?”
Asher nodded.
They were quiet again. After a moment, Asher looked up. “When that one soldier was being mean to Sabina, I tried to stop him. But they were all bigger than me. One grabbed my vest and held me back and I couldn’t stop them from hitting Sabina. I wanted to fight them all, but they were so big, and they just laughed.”
Joseph didn’t know what to say in response. He too had felt helpless when he watched the soldiers beating Adrian. They were so big and powerful, and he couldn’t do anything to stop them.
All at once, Asher began to cry.
Joseph was startled. Even after Adrian died, Asher had never cried out loud. It was always silent, and he hardly ever did it. But now he was outright sobbing. “I wish I could have stopped them,” he wept. “I wish Papa, Mama, and James didn’t die! I wish Aaron and Adrian didn’t die! I want them all to come back!”
Joseph’s expression was gentle with compassion as he watched the younger boy. He was voicing the very same things that tore Joseph apart. Joseph didn’t know what to say, so instead he leaned over and hugged Asher, the movement made awkward by the fact that their hands were still tied together.
After a little while, Asher stopped crying and looked up at Joseph. Joseph smiled at him. “We’ll be alright, Asher.”
“No, we won’t,” Asher replied. “The soldiers are stronger even then Noah and Darrien.”
“But God is stronger than them,” Joseph pointed out. “God could smash all the soldiers like ants. They can’t do anything to Him. Anything at all.”
“Then why doesn’t He?
Joseph shrugged dejectedly. “I don’t know. But He can.”
Asher rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “Was Adrian afraid?”
Joseph was startled. “What?”
“I saw you run away. You saw him, didn’t you?”
Joseph nodded.
“Was he scared?”
Joseph nodded again. “I think so.”
Asher sniffed.
“But… but he was also brave,” Joseph added.
“You can’t be both,” Asher said.
“No… no I think you can’t,” Joseph replied. “He was very scared, but he was trusting in God, and God made him brave.”
Asher was quiet. Joseph watched him, and as he did, he decided he should tell him everything. “When I got to the soldiers, I could see Adrian, and I ran out and hugged him.”
Asher looked up. “What did he say?”
“He… he said that he had me, and then when the soldiers dragged me away, he said it was alright. I think I was talking about what they did to him. God helped him not to be scared and… and it really was alright.”
“Does God help you not to be scared?” Asher asked.
Joseph nodded. “When I ask Him.”
“I wish He would help me.”
Joseph looked at his friend. “He will, Asher.”
Asher shrugged.
“You should ask Noah. Noah knows everything about God. He’ll tell you about it,” Joseph said.
Asher nodded. “I will.”
Joseph sighed and got to his knees. “Come on, we had better get back to work.”
Steps sounded on the stairs, and the boys looked up. Sabina came to the doorway, and gentle smile on her face, and two slices of bread in her hand. “Have you two made up?”
They nodded.
Sabina knelt down and handed them the bread. Then she untied them. “You two did a good job on this room. You are free to go play with Eric.”
They thanked her, and Sabina hugged them both. “Alright, now go play.”
Joseph and Asher nodded and scampered down the stairs together.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 1:54 pm #189918Aww, I love it!!! 🥰
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
November 15, 2024 at 1:55 pm #189919Woah! You read that fast!
You are referring to the newest section I posted. Right?
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 1:58 pm #189922Yep! lol. I read pretty fast sometimes, but it wasn’t that long of a section. Plus I saw pretty much as soon as you posted it. 😅
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
November 15, 2024 at 2:03 pm #189927Yeah, I guess it really isn’t that long. It just took me two hours to edit because of the relationship dynamics. Those are such a pain sometimes.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 2:06 pm #189929Oof, yeah, I get that. It is one of the hardest parts about stories, but also one of the things that really makes you love the characters!
I thought it was pretty realistic that the boys would be quick to fight with each other because they are worn out and worried. Sabina’s idea to help them make up was pretty smart. And she got clean floors out of it 😅
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
November 15, 2024 at 3:51 pm #189958Ah, Sabina’s idea. That has history.
Let’s just say, a long time ago, the last fight I had with my brother ended when mom duct taped our wrists together.
For the whole day.
We had to do school together, eat together, play together, do chores together. It was traumatic. lololololol. At least I had my right hand free, but i had to keep my left limp so that he could use his right. You really do learn to get along very fast during that time. lolololol.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
November 15, 2024 at 3:57 pm #189961*Glares*
You killed him. I’m more than mildly miffed at you.
*Huffs*
*Contemplates writing you into a short story just so I can heap vengeance with my pen*
***
As to the last section…
This could just be a difference is my own temperament, upbringing, or understanding, but I’m not sure I agree with how Sabina handled the situation, even though I understand why she did what she did. I don’t think making the boy’s work together after two fights was addressing the real problem (which appears to be physical and emotional exhaustion).
Now, Sabina’s not perfect (and neither am I), so I don’t expect her to have the perfect solution to every problem, and it was a pretty good idea. I’m just concerned over the long terms effects these past couple chapters will have on the boys.
Anyway, I need to get make to school work. I may come back later and reevaluate.
*Though I’m still more than miffed about Adrian*
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Koshka. Reason: Seriously?!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkNovember 15, 2024 at 4:10 pm #189965Oh I don’t think Sabina solved the long term problem either.
I think she is tired and stressed and just about at the braking point, and she doesn’t know what else to do beyond keeping the household from falling apart.
The emotional/spiritual aspect will be addressed later. She was just trying to find some way to keep the peace for the day. Poor thing was up most of the night, and she’s grieving, and she’s scared to death that Julian’s going to start attacking them.
But yeah, this is far from fixed.
*Glares*
You killed him. I’m more than mildly miffed at you.
*Huffs*
*Contemplates writing you into a short story just so I can heap vengeance with my pen*
Okay. That is the first time any of y’all have made a threat that mildly worried me.
lol.
I’m sorry that you are sad. I am too, if that makes you feel better.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
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