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Wooph! Got a lot to catch up on! Let’s see how far I get before I have class…
Yeah. Sorry about that. I kinda went on an editing streak and hybridlore was encouraging it. lol.
In the part where he is watching Arron in the fountain, he puts an end to it, and I was saying he was harsh based of of that. But I forgot that part of the reason he put an end to it was to prevent bloodshed.
I wouldn’t call him harsh as much as very militaristic. *shrug* But maybe he seems harsh to others.
I’ll give you the feedback for your new sections in a separate post(s).
Wonderful!!! *folds hands and waits (im)patiently*
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
NEXT SECTION!!!!!!
Okay, that’s a lot of exclamation marks. You know five exclamation marks is a sure sign of madness, right? But you couldn’t settle for five, you went for six. (But who am I kidding, we’re all authors. Madness is sure to come with that.) Ellette, what are you doing to Joseph?
Feedback for the first of those sections:
“Lay down you little wild cat.”
Joseph obeyed, and Adrian tucked him up. “Now go to sleep.”
Joseph shut his eyes obediently, a grin clinging to the corner of his mouth.
“Wipe the smirk off your face,” Adrian said.
Joseph did so.
“Now, snore,” Adrian ordered.
Joseph obeyed, and a moment later the two had dissolved into laughter. “Okay, go to sleep for real this time,” Adrian said when he caught his breath.
This was amusing. Joseph has good control over his face. How old is Adrain supposed to be? If he’s still a young man, I guess the age gap between him and Jeseph wouldn’t be that large. This whole interaction made me imagine him as younger than I had been. (I was thinking he might be 23, but now I wonder if he is supposed to be 17). Was any part of this interaction based on your brothers?
Joseph closed his eyes tightly, sobbing silently. He tasted blood and vaguely realized he was biting his knuckles. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. God do something! Stop them! Stop them! The desperate pleas tore from Joseph’s heart as he continued to shake with silent tears.
“Stop! Stop right now!”
Who said that last part? I thought it was Joseph at first, but the soldiers don’t seem to know he is there.
Okay, so this explains the excessive exclamation marks. This scene was dark and sudden, but I suppose you did warn us it was coming. I was sitting there thinking, so far this book hasn’t been very dark, and then suddenly you hit us with this. Joseph has seen too much.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
Feedback for the second section:
Don’t have too much to say about this one. Joseph kind of falling back to where he was before, but it is easy to see why.
He could hear Noah and Sabina praying together, and for a moment he thought Aaron was captured, for this was how it had been.
This is a nice peak back into what they were all doing while Aaron was in prison.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
Okay, that’s a lot of exclamation marks. You know five exclamation marks is a sure sign of madness, right? But you couldn’t settle for five, you went for six. (But who am I kidding, we’re all authors. Madness is sure to come with that.)
How dare you question my wise and perfect choice of exclamation marks! I have perfect control over the exclamation mark key. 100% perfect.
Ellette, what are you doing to Joseph?
Oh wow. The great linus smallprint is starting to get stressed. lol.
This was amusing. Joseph has good control over his face. How old is Adrian supposed to be? If he’s still a young man, I guess the age gap between him and Joseph wouldn’t be that large. This whole interaction made me imagine him as younger than I had been. (I was thinking he might be 23, but now I wonder if he is supposed to be 17). Was any part of this interaction based on your brothers?
You and thinking my characters are older then they are! What is it with you!? lol.
Actually, it wasn’t so bad as last time. Adrian is younger then Aaron was, so yes, seventeen. (what made you guess that number?) He’s seven years older then Joseph. I have a sweet little friend at church who is seven years younger then i am, and she and i do a lot of stuff together. It can be a strange relationship, because sometimes I feel like we’re the same age, and then other times I feel like I’m way older then her. I think it’s the same for Joseph and Adrian.Was any part of this interaction based on your brothers?
That is top secret info. (yes it was)
Who said that last part? I thought it was Joseph at first, but the soldiers don’t seem to know he is there.
Julian.
Does it explain itself in the next sentence, or do I need to make that clearer?
Okay, so this explains the excessive exclamation marks. This scene was dark and sudden, but I suppose you did warn us it was coming. I was sitting there thinking, so far this book hasn’t been very dark, and then suddenly you hit us with this.
I did warn you. You know, it’s not really anything you haven’t seen in LTBL. The difference is the age of the person you’re seeing the events happen through.
Joseph has seen too much.
I know, I know. But I really wanted this to be this way for a reason special reason.
The childhood of a man very dear to me was very, very dark. he was beaten, abused, and thrown out onto the streets. Quiet literally. (He didn’t live here at the time) He had a very, very dark childhood, and many things happened to him that I’m not even allowed to know about yet. But, to know him now, you would never, ever have guessed it. He is the most wonderful man, and I’m not just saying that because I’m biased. He has his faults, he’s not perfect. But no one is. He gave the pain of his childhood to God, and… well… to know him now, you would never, ever guess.
He shouldn’t have become a Christian. He was hated by the church in his town as a child, he went through horrible things, but God called him and saved him, and he is now homeschooling his children and raising them up to walk in the ways of God. He’s respected in our church, he’s respected in his job, he….. well he’s just not the man our world would have expected him to become. I know his story is different then Joseph’s, but there are similar themes.
Someday, when I know the whole, I will write his story. Anyone who reads it will know that it is nothing short of a miracle.
and there’s my random ramble. But now you can see a gimps into some of the background of this story.
You do not have to become what happened to you. You do not have to be ruled by the past. It does not have to define you.
Our God is a God of redemption and brand new life.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Poor Linus. You’ll have so much catching up to do. Sorry.
Yeah, yesterday was rather busy. Oh well. I have time today.
(By the way, I should let you know that I’m not bothering to read the feedback others are giving you, so if anything has come up that you want more thought on, please let me know.)
Feedback for the third section:
Something was here. Something very, very wicked was here. It was in this place. it was watching him. It was pleased by what was happening.
Um… is this supposed to be Satan?
“You’re all mad!” Noah yelled. “You are Ardentans! You are not of the Empire!”
Interesting…
Someone grabbed Joseph by the back of his vest and began dragging him back
Darrien, right? (I know, Joseph is too focused on what is happening to pay attention to who is grabbing his)
At the top of the Pantheon, he saw Julian on his knees, cradling his lifeless brother in his arms.
So Adrian went form someone who was afraid to follow Christ because this might happen, to a Christian who stayed firm to the end. So ends his story. But Joseph’s still goes on…
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
(By the way, I should let you know that I’m not bothering to read the feedback others are giving you, so if anything has come up that you want more thought on, please let me know.)
Will do. It’s mostly the newest section from this morning that I’m anxious about, because the dynamics are delicate. as you will see. And I’m interested (especially from you as a guy) on some feedback about some of the reactions.
Other then that, the feedback you’re giving is perfect and enjoyable to read. Thank you.
Um… is this supposed to be Satan?
Oh, this will be interesting.
Why do you say it like that?
yes and no. So, children can often sense things in the spiritual realm that adults can’t. I believe it’s because their senses haven’t been deadened by the world. Adults can feel things too, but I think it’s harder because the world is constantly telling us that we’re not supposed to. I think there’s a lot in what Jesus said about being unable to Believe unless you have faith like a child. So, what is Joseph sensing here? Joseph is sensing the presence of demonic powers. And I ASSURE you that you cannot have a temple to false gods without that presence. Because we’re seeing this through Joseph’s eyes, we are also made aware of that. He doesn’t know what it is, he just knows that he can feel evil and it gets stronger the closer he gets to this place. He is sensing the spiritual warfare, and he is sensing that this is a stronghold of evil. He doesn’t know that this is going on, he just knows that something is wrong. There are other scenes where he senses the opposite side and can feel God’s presence, but I think those scenes get brushed aside, because it seems normal in a Christian story, where as we (even some Christians) shy away from the demonic side of the spiritual realm and we don’t like to admit that it exists and is powerful. What better way to imprison someone then to convince them that you don’t exist, or that if you do, you’re off doing something somewhere else, and besides, you aren’t very powerful.
Interesting…
what does that mean? Is it good or bad?
Darrien, right? (I know, Joseph is too focused on what is happening to pay attention to who is grabbing him)
I have to reread, but it might have been a soldier that time, and Darrien later. It depends on when that happened.
So Adrian went form someone who was afraid to follow Christ because this might happen, to a Christian who stayed firm to the end. So ends his story. But Joseph’s still goes on…
Perfectly summed up. You seem to be quiet good at finding the heart of the story and laying it out in a few words.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Forth section:
Joseph looked up at Darrien. His face was white, and his finger’s tightened on the door frame. He used his other hand to gently push Joseph back. “Please, the children had nothing to do with it, nor did the women. I was the one who hid him. Take me but leave the others.”
This felt unessasary. Julian only said that he wanted to talk and, sure, his hand was on his sword, but he hadn’t threatened the women and children yet. (Though I guess Darrien might be panicked.)
“I was the one who did it,” Noah said. “The rest had nothing to do with it. Please, don’t harm them.”
Again, another lie that feels wrong to me, and not just because I believe it is wrong for Christians to lie. I think it is because Noah is putting himself in the place of God saying it was him who changed Adrian. (Unless he is just saying this because it was mostly him who talked to Adrian about Christ?)
Julian’s reaction works well. I was wondering if you would make him come humbly to the orphanage, curious to know what happened to his brother and willing to listen as Adrian did after Aaron’s death. But this is something different and something that makes sense. Julian is full of grief and confusion. He feels betrayed. He wants justice. I am curious to know where things will go with him.
Phew! Got through that. I need to go work on a Windows 7 Virtual Machine and beat Orical Forms into submission now. I will answer your questions for me later. Thank you for sharing these sections!
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
(Though I guess Darrien might be panicked.)
Yeah, he’s panicked. He has no idea who Julian is, so the only reason that seems reasonable for a soldier to be here is to arrest those who were hiding him.
Again, another lie that feels wrong to me, and not just because I believe it is wrong for Christians to lie. I think it is because Noah is putting himself in the place of God saying it was him who changed Adrian. (Unless he is just saying this because it was mostly him who talked to Adrian about Christ?)
Ack! I phrased that so bad. He was meaning he was the one who hid Adrian. he wasn’t thinking about Adrian’s redemption at all. In his and Darrien’s mind, Julian is here to arrest whoever was hiding him. just a few sentences later you have this exchange:
Julian looked straight at Noah. “What did you do to him?”
“Nothing,” Noah replied. “We did nothing to him.”
So yeah, Noah wasn’t thinking that Julian was talking about Adrian’s salvation. I can work that out so that it flows better.
Julian’s reaction works well. I was wondering if you would make him come humbly to the orphanage, curious to know what happened to his brother and willing to listen as Adrian did after Aaron’s death. But this is something different and something that makes sense. Julian is full of grief and confusion. He feels betrayed. He wants justice. I am curious to know where things will go with him.
Wonderful! I’m glad this reaction works out. I didn’t want it to go over the top, but I’ve been told (and have seen) that guys often deal with grief through anger, and while this is a generalization (please don’t kill me if you’re a guy who doesn’t) it is certainly a generalization that fits Julian’s character. I mean, he just watched some pretty brutal stuff, and he has no idea why it happened. All he knows, is that he failed to protect his little brother, and now Adrian is dead. I think the anger reaction fits.
I need to go work on a Windows 7 Virtual Machine and beat Orical Forms into submission now.
Poor Linus. That sounds absolutely horrible!
Thank you for sharing these sections!
You are so welcome!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle what you said about the temple feeling evil to Joseph makes sense to me. I, personally, have never been to any form of pagan temple (not even the ruins of one, that I can remember anyway) , but honestly the very fact that I would be standing in what was once used for or currently used for the worship of a false god (especially if it was one they sacrificed other people to in the case of an ancient one) would send shivers down my spine. Mind you, I’d be there under God’s protection, but just cause it can’t hurt me doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Your Empire, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be the people-sacrificing type (now THAT would probably be over-the-top dark lol), but the fact that the temple is still in use and that there is currently evil things going on in it, I think Joseph feeling a dark presence is very realistic.
also on a slightly unrelated note, I was listening to a soundtrack for one of my favorite TV shows and it started playing one of the worst villains’ theme as I typed this. It was very fitting. LOL.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Glad that makes sense. Some people have thought I was a little crazy for adding that and shouldn’t be playing around with adding demonic powers to my books. But we LIVE IN A WORLD with demonic powers people. *sigh* Glad this makes sense to someone.
From the way Linus asked the question I’m wondering what his response will be. lol.
Oh, now i have to know, what TV series and what is the song called!! I LOVE soundtracks! Oh you MUST listen to All The Light We Cannot See soundtrack! It is AMAZING!! One of my favorite songs is “No Trains Left”
I IN NO WAY recommend the series. I haven’t ever seen it, but my parents got two episodes in before shutting it off. So, yeah.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle I don’t think you’re playing with demonic powers.
Putting an actual detailed ritual by the Imperial priests could be, for example, but simply the mention that a pagan temple has an evil presence hovering over it is, if anything, as realistic as you can make it.
The music track? Oh, it’s funny cause it is a synth-heavy track from a science fiction show so it really doesn’t fit your time period. But the first half has this foreboding sense to it so….
here ya go though. Judging from the types of things I’ve seen you post, I’m not sure if this whole soundtrack is your style, but you can at least listen to what I was listening to when I was writing that paragraph.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
HAHA!
I actually love some of the tron soundtrack!!! Some of it I can’t stand, but this song and a few others I really love!
Here, you should listen to this song. Honestly, the whole soundtrack is great!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle ohhh cool! yeah Tron’s soundtrack is a great one to have on in the background when you’re writing, or sometimes I put it on when I’m in the car on a long trip.
This is from the TV show, which was pretty good but only lasted like 1 season.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Come on, Ellette! You’re gonna leave me on that!? Your cliffhangers…
Just teasing. I like Julian’s reaction—it feels very realistic like Linus said, even though I’m not a boy so I don’t know exactly how men react to those situations. As far as I know, it looks good.
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
@ellette-giselle
I’m back!You and thinking my characters are older then they are! What is it with you!? lol.
Actually, it wasn’t so bad as last time. Adrian is younger then Aaron was, so yes, seventeen. (what made you guess that number?) He’s seven years older then Joseph. I have a sweet little friend at church who is seven years younger then i am, and she and i do a lot of stuff together. It can be a strange relationship, because sometimes I feel like we’re the same age, and then other times I feel like I’m way older then her. I think it’s the same for Joseph and Adrian.*Shrugs*. I was only six years off this time. (The reason I guess 17 was because Joseph is 10 at the youngest. There is a seven-year gap between me and my brother. Adrian kind of felt like he was becoming an older brother to Joseph, so it fit. Also, 17 to me kind of feels like the age where the responsibilities of a man start to come out more. Notice how Alan is 17 in TNPT.)
Julian.
Does it explain itself in the next sentence, or do I need to make that clearer?
Probably needs to be made clearer.
I did warn you. You know, it’s not really anything you haven’t seen in LTBL. The difference is the age of the person you’re seeing the events happen through.
Also, other than the war, there was not too much violence. Noah was beat up, but we were not there for it. Other than that, the only violence I can recall is Aaron’s death.
He shouldn’t have become a Christian. He was hated by the church in his town as a child, he went through horrible things, but God called him and saved him, and he is now homeschooling his children and raising them up to walk in the ways of God.
Huh. Fascinating. It’s amazing how God can change people. Praise Him for that!
Why do you say it like that?
I tend to ignore the topic of angels and demons. I don’t deny that they exist and pray every day that God will protect me from the Devil, but it’s something I have chosen not to dwell on. The way I look at it is that it is up to God to protect us from demons, and we ought to pay more attention to fighting our own sin and following Christ. In my own writing, I don’t have any references to demons and would like to keep it that way. However, I’ve been wondering recently if I should pay more attention to angels and demons. I’ve been meaning to talk to someone about this more.
what does that mean? Is it good or bad?
Let’s say both. Bad for the people, but shows some attention to detail in good writing. Of course, it’s bad how the culture is shifting to that of the empire, but this also reflects the people’s fear of not wanting to be caught in the wrong, or how they are starting to become dependent on the empire. Either way, it shows the empire is a powerful force.
Perfectly summed up. You seem to be quiet good at finding the heart of the story and laying it out in a few words.
Thanks!
So yeah, Noah wasn’t thinking that Julian was talking about Adrian’s salvation. I can work that out so that it flows better.
Okay, good.
Wonderful! I’m glad this reaction works out. I didn’t want it to go over the top, but I’ve been told (and have seen) that guys often deal with grief through anger, and while this is a generalization (please don’t kill me if you’re a guy who doesn’t) it is certainly a generalization that fits Julian’s character. I mean, he just watched some pretty brutal stuff, and he has no idea why it happened. All he knows, is that he failed to protect his little brother, and now Adrian is dead. I think the anger reaction fits.
Ah. But if I killed you over this, would I only prove that I deal with my emotions through anger? That would not help my case in the least.
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
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