- This topic has 24 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hey everyone! Here’s a poem I wrote. I wrote it really quickly, so it’s kinda rough here and there. I’d love y’all’s feedback/critiques though! (It’s kinda long, sry)
The Journal
One hundred Septembers ago,
he gave a small book to his dear.
“As you grow, it will too,
But only if you write every year.”
Ninety Septembers ago,
She found it under the bed–
But the bus was almost there:
She’d write tomorrow instead.
Eighty Septembers ago,
It was left to lie about,
Empty, drab, waiting for her,
Forgotten when she moved out.
Seventy Septembers ago,
cardboard boxes crowded the floor;
Rough hands held it, through it inside:
Found by a moving man, not her.
Sixty Septembers ago,
All it knew was dark and cold,
Decay and dust motes and dirt,
Blank pages crumbling with mold.
Fifty Septembers ago,
When a ray of light seeped in,
It felt a glimmer of hope,
A defiant glow in prison.
Forty Septembers ago,
The book’s hope had flown:
Still it longed for stains of ink,
For her to call it her own.
Thirty Septembers ago,
Someone creaked up the stairs.
There they were–then gone again,
Leaving the book unawares.
Twenty Septembers ago,
A blinding light shone inside,
Lighting up her wrinkled face–
Now in it she would confide.
Ten Septembers ago,
It was filled with her heart,
Of her joy and inkstains,
Of her life it takes part.
Now it watches the Septembers fly by,
From its place on the Mantle of Memories.
It watches her children and their children,
Forever flying in it’s reveries.
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@nova21 I love it! Such a unique concept! 🙂
I’m not a poetry expect, but I did notice a few things.
- Punctuation. In poetry, punctuation is sparse, if not nonexistent. Most of your commas at the end of the lines could be eliminated, as well as the periods, dashes, and semi-colons. I’m not sure exactly what’s acceptable (I’ll tag some peeps)…
- Where you say “through it aside,” you should changed through to throw.
- Her and floor don’t really rhyme…don’t know what you’d do instead, though. 🤔
- Possessive form of it is its.
Otherwise, I LOVE it! You should totally submit it to Kingdom Pen!!
Let’s see… @william-starkey @kathleenramm @devastate-lasting @dekreel @calling-all-poets @tag-more-for-me-people
@gracie-j
Thank you so much! Typos… 😒 And punctuation has never been my friend. Thank you for the advice!
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000@nova21 I really out of touch with poetry right now, so I can’t really say much, but I liked it a lot!
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into daysI got you, thanks so much!! 😉
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@nova21 My pleasure!
@nova21 Don’t really have critiques but this is GORGEOUS!!! I love it!!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebOHHHHHH, you wrote that. (@nova21)
XD I thought I was talking to somebody totally new. HAHA!!!
@william-starkey You’re alive.
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days@nova21 Well, glad you submitted it.
@devastate-lasting (XD) Yes, very. You’ve no idea.@william-starkey Dude, I missed you. Please stay.
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days@devastate-lasting Well, I’m glad to see that somebody did. XD!
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@william-starkey What just happened??? Where have you been??? I was seriously afraid that you had died! I’ve missed
arguingtalking with you so much! I’m in shock!!!!! 😱
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.