The Journal (a poem)

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  • #87989
    ella
    @nova21
      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
      • Total Posts: 604

      Hey everyone!  Here’s a poem I wrote.  I wrote it really quickly, so it’s kinda rough here and there.  I’d love y’all’s feedback/critiques though! (It’s kinda long, sry)

      The Journal

      One hundred Septembers ago,

      he gave a small book to his dear.

      “As you grow, it will too,

      But only if you write every year.”

      Ninety Septembers ago,

      She found it under the bed–

      But the bus was almost there:

      She’d write tomorrow instead.

      Eighty Septembers ago,

      It was left to lie about,

      Empty, drab, waiting for her,

      Forgotten when she moved out.

      Seventy Septembers ago,

      cardboard boxes crowded the floor;

      Rough hands held it, through it inside:

      Found by a moving man, not her.

      Sixty Septembers ago,

      All it knew was dark and cold,

      Decay and dust motes and dirt,

      Blank pages crumbling with mold.

       

      Fifty Septembers ago,

      When a ray of light seeped in,

      It felt a glimmer of hope,

      A defiant glow in prison.

      Forty Septembers ago,

      The book’s hope had flown:

      Still it longed for stains of ink,

      For her to call it her own.

      Thirty Septembers ago,

      Someone creaked up the stairs.

      There they were–then gone again,

      Leaving the book unawares.

      Twenty Septembers ago,

      A blinding light shone inside,

      Lighting up her wrinkled face–

      Now in it she would confide.

      Ten Septembers ago,

      It was filled with her heart,

      Of her joy and inkstains,

      Of her life it takes part.

      Now it watches the Septembers fly by,

      From its place on the Mantle of Memories.

      It watches her children and their children,

      Forever flying in it’s reveries.

      what we do in life echoes in eternity
      -gladiator, 2000

      #87990
      Anonymous
        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
        • Total Posts: 1789

        @nova21 I love it! Such a unique concept! 🙂

        I’m not a poetry expect, but I did notice a few things.

        1. Punctuation. In poetry, punctuation is sparse, if not nonexistent. Most of your commas at the end of the lines could be eliminated, as well as the periods, dashes, and semi-colons. I’m not sure exactly what’s acceptable (I’ll tag some peeps)…
        2. Where you say “through it aside,” you should changed through to throw.
        3. Her and floor don’t really rhyme…don’t know what you’d do instead, though. 🤔
        4. Possessive form of it is its.

        Otherwise, I LOVE it! You should totally submit it to Kingdom Pen!!

        Let’s see… @william-starkey @kathleenramm @devastate-lasting @dekreel @calling-all-poets @tag-more-for-me-people

        #87991
        ella
        @nova21
          • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
          • Total Posts: 604

          @gracie-j

          Thank you so much!  Typos… 😒  And punctuation has never been my friend.  Thank you for the advice!

          what we do in life echoes in eternity
          -gladiator, 2000

          #87992
          Linyang Zhang
          @devastate-lasting
            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
            • Total Posts: 1700

            @nova21 I really out of touch with poetry right now, so I can’t really say much, but I liked it a lot!

            Lately, it's been on my brain
            Would you mind letting me know
            If hours don't turn into days

            #88000
            ella
            @nova21
              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
              • Total Posts: 604

              @devastate-lasting

              I got you, thanks so much!! 😉

              what we do in life echoes in eternity
              -gladiator, 2000

              #88009
              Anonymous
                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                • Total Posts: 1789

                @nova21 My pleasure!

                #88012
                GodlyFantasy12
                @godlyfantasy12
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 6645

                  @nova21 Don’t really have critiques but this is GORGEOUS!!! I love it!!

                  #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
                  #ProtectMarcel
                  #ProtectSeb

                  #88013
                  ella
                  @nova21
                    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                    • Total Posts: 604

                    @godlyfantasy12

                    🥰 Thanks so much!!

                    what we do in life echoes in eternity
                    -gladiator, 2000

                    #88639
                    Alien and Sojourner in a Foreign Land
                    @william-starkey
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 634

                      OHHHHHH, you wrote that. (@nova21)

                      XD I thought I was talking to somebody totally new. HAHA!!!

                      #88640
                      ella
                      @nova21
                        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                        • Total Posts: 604

                        @william-starkey

                        lol yes it’s me

                        what we do in life echoes in eternity
                        -gladiator, 2000

                        #88642
                        Linyang Zhang
                        @devastate-lasting
                          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                          • Total Posts: 1700

                          @william-starkey You’re alive.

                           

                          Lately, it's been on my brain
                          Would you mind letting me know
                          If hours don't turn into days

                          #88644
                          Alien and Sojourner in a Foreign Land
                          @william-starkey
                            • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                            • Total Posts: 634

                            @nova21 Well, glad you submitted it.


                            @devastate-lasting
                            (XD) Yes, very. You’ve no idea.

                            #88645
                            Linyang Zhang
                            @devastate-lasting
                              • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                              • Total Posts: 1700

                              @william-starkey Dude, I missed you. Please stay.

                              Lately, it's been on my brain
                              Would you mind letting me know
                              If hours don't turn into days

                              #88646
                              Alien and Sojourner in a Foreign Land
                              @william-starkey
                                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                                • Total Posts: 634

                                @devastate-lasting Well, I’m glad to see that somebody did. XD!

                                #88648
                                Anonymous
                                  • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                  • Total Posts: 1789

                                  @william-starkey What just happened??? Where have you been??? I was seriously afraid that you had died! I’ve missed arguing talking with you so much! I’m in shock!!!!! 😱

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