- This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
If you’re interested in reading and critiquing a story based on this prompt, here’s a link to a google doc. (and the prompt, and a snippet so you can decide whether you REALLY want to read this thing or not)
You’re a local healer, a good one, and your people love you. But you do not truly heal wounds, merely transfer them. The people of the valley below know you under a different name….On a main roadway of the city Shining, a woman exited a clinic and locking up. She walked through the street, it was a pleasant evening. There were families and couples walking home in the moments past sunset. They smiled and waved at her and she to them. Some called out a greeting or wished her good night. Altha walked through the streets until she came to a house surrounded by a wrought iron fence. As one of the city’s most popular healers, she could afford it. Not that money mattered. She took her key out of her pocket and was about to unlock the gate when she heard a rustle in the ever closing darkness.
“Hello?” She called, feeling foolish. Who would answer? ‘Why hello pleasant evening isn’t it? Mind handing over your wallet?’ She snapped out of the thought as the rustling came closer. The rustling turned into footsteps and she felt a large presence behind her. She whirled around, her mouth was covered by a handkerchief that smelled strangely like over-ripe fruit. Her eyes closed and she drifted into unconsciousness. The large man picked her up and walked into the darkness.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OIE4ueeuFZd9rR91U3kEM1TP0fNzD7t3v6E6sDzclOc/edit?usp=sharing*mentioning 7 people because that’s under the 10 person limit and the people who have accepted my friend requests* (i need to be on here more…)
@that_write_girl_99 @griaciegirl @kate-flournoy @winter-rose @hope @kina-lamb
@Cloudy I’d love to but unfortunately I don’t have time right at this moment. If you’d like to give me a link to the doc (I assume it’s in a google doc?) I can save it and get to it when I have time, though.
@Cloudy I could try, but I don’t have a ton of experience with critiquing. This week is a little weird for me too so if its very long I might not be able to get through all of it.
Are you just wanting to see how the plot feels to a reader or did you want more of proofread where I’d look at syntax and flow?*is probably geeking out about something*
@graciegirl It’s only about 5K words, and yeah, it would be nice if you read it to give me a feel for the plot and pacing. I think the pacing’s a little off.
@Cloudy just want to let you know I haven’t abandoned you; I’m going through the story bit by bit and formulating thoughts and such. 😉
@Cloudy So sorry it’s taken me this long to get back to you! Life is crazy.
Okay, first off, I want to tell you that I think this story is an intriguing idea to say the least. 🙂 And my favorite part was the plot twist at the end about Henry’s wife. *double thumbs up* 😀
As far as pacing, I think it’s actually pretty good for most of the time. There’s really only one or two suggestions I’d make
As a reader it might have been nice to see more of Altha’s normal world at the beginnning, specifically how she works as a Transferer. Perhaps instead of starting off immediately with her getting nabbed off the streets, you could open with a scene of her taking care of her last patient for the day before locking up. This allows you to show what exactly Transferring looks like because otherwise the readers don’t know much about how it works till the second to last scene when Simon tries to Transfer his injuries. Starting off with this scene would also let a reader be introduced to Altha in a more stable setting. It’s difficult for readers to care about a character that’s been captured if they’ve just been introduced to them. The reader is so focused on figuring out who is who and the basics of what is happening on those first two pages that they don’t have much brain power left for caring about what happens to Altha.
It does seem as if she accepts things a teensy bit too fast like Jess pointed out, and since Altha is the main character it feels a little weird to have the story end with Ryder and not include her in some way but idk for sure.
Other than these, I thought the pacing was good! And, boy, that plot twist at the end! Wowzers, I totally didn’t see it coming but it added a really neat element to the story. 😀 😀 *another double thumbs up because why not* 😛*is probably geeking out about something*
Thank you for reading and critiquing! Thanks for the compliment on the plot twist. I was a little nervous about how that would shake down. @graciegirl
@Cloudy sorry I’ve been so long getting back! 😛 What @GracieGirl said; also in some places I felt that you jumped too quickly from deep, in the moment scenes to hurried overviews. To fix that, you should probably make lines for scene breaks, and make your deep in the moment scenes even deeper, while your overviews can either be shortened, or maybe even taken out entirely.
Before you panic, 😛 realize that overviews can be implied simply by cutting between scenes and picking up some time later and showing how things have changed.I definitely think you have a cool concept here. *thumbs up*
Thanks @kate-flournoy, don’t worry, late critique is better than none. 🙂
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.