The Grand Heartbreak

Home Page Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Short Story Critiques The Grand Heartbreak

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #34228
    G. B. Carter
    @graceofspades2017
      • Rank: Wise Jester
      • Total Posts: 81

      Based off of this writing prompt:
      When someone’s heart breaks in our world, it causes fissures and valleys and even cracks in pavement. Tell the story behind the Grand Canyon.

      I have no idea if this is going to be any good, but I tried. Feel free to critique or tell me if I used a certain word to often or if I didn’t use correct grammar. I will not be mad at all. I will actually be grateful. 🙂

      Here we go.

      This is the story of how the Grand Canyon came to be, and it has more to do with a boy than it does the natural occurrences that are often used to explain such phenomenons.

      The boy was named was Aarshac, and he lived in Arizona, in a tribe known as the tribe of Hondim.

      He had the biggest heart out of anyone Luwel the triber had ever seen.

      There was hardly a thing that Aarshac didn’t care about. His soul went out to helping people and even things, right down to the very smallest ant. It was not unusual to see Aarshac returning from the desert wilderness in which they lived with some poor, misshapen creature, wounded from a trap; he would cradle it in his arms, like a little child, until he brought it to his tent where he tended it until its health returned. Nor was it unusual to see him leap in front of a bully picking on some younger kid, selflessly defending the innocent and challenging the heartless with his soul, not his fists. He usually won the fights, and usually befriended the trembling youth whom he’d saved. They would spend hours exploring and talking until Aarshac found that he quite loved the little person, and was intent on “adopting” them into his “family.”

      Most of the younger kids Luwel knew were Aarshac’s family, which made them Luwel’s family, too; Luwel was Aarshac’s blood brother, his elder by three years. That wasn’t the only thing he was to Aarshac, though – as many older brothers are to their siblings, Luwel was Aarshac’s protector.

      Luwel, under ordinary circumstances, would have been proud to be tasked with such a noble duty, because he loved his brother (as most everyone else in the tribe did). These, however, were not ordinary circumstances.

      He was still proud, of course, but it was usually shrouded by a deep, overwhelming sense of fear.

      The world Luwel and Aarshac lived in is different from the world we know today. With us, the ache in our hearts almost always stays there; but with them, it leaked out into reality. Which is to say, when one heart broke, the world broke with it.

      And everyone knows that the biggest hearts get inflicted with the deepest pain.

      Thus Luwel was charged to be his brother’s “Pain Shield,” as he was dubbed by the tribe’s chief. Luwel bore the title with humility and unease, knowing that the heart of his brother and perhaps the wholeness of his home rested in his hands.

      It was a difficult job, especially when the whole village had a special place in Aarshac’s heart, even those who thought that he was a threat and a danger. There was no one who could escape the depth of the young boy’s affections, which meant that there was no one that Luwel could ignore when it came to his duties. His task was to make sure the hearts of all the people didn’t hurt, as Aarshac’s would surely hurt with them.

      Thank goodness he wasn’t in charge of everyone’s physical safety; he would have a much bigger job if that were so. The Tribe Warriors were there to keep everyone’s lungs heaving air, and they had been there long before the Maker had blessed (or cursed) the world with Aarshac’s soul.

      Still, the said warriors weren’t always able to keep death at bay, as strength is not always capable of keeping pale lifelessness from slipping through its fingers and into the breath of men. People can’t be protected from everything, and these people were no different. Disease sometimes turned vivid green lives into crumpled brown ones, until death clenched its fist and the withering heart faded to dust.

      Aarshac would always be among the mourners, and the earth would fester with the new scars of their grief.

      There was no doubt in the minds of the people that the child’s marks of loss were among the largest, for whenever he got wind of the news of passing, the earth would rumble as if there were a deep pain buried inside it, and it wanted to escape. Thank the Maker it never did; or, not in any way that counted, at least. Sometimes, far away from camp, a triber would discover a multitude of cracks in the dry ground of the desert, usually with one particularly large one slithering among them like some kinking snake. It was often assumed that such cracks were from family members, but Aarshac was always on the back of the people’s minds – there had been instances when Aarshac had been more devastated about a death than even the departed’s loved ones.

      Aarshac was not unaware of the damage he was causing, though. Since the “Pain Shield” position had been established, Aarshac had done his best to build a wall around his heart so the blows of life didn’t hit him so hard. It worked, too – sort of. Since he had started this practice, the cracks they found weren’t nearly as large, but there was always that rumble, that feeling that Aarshac’s wall wouldn’t hold up and the world they lived in would shatter with his grief.

      It terrified Luwel.

      It terrified everyone.

      That was why it was ill-received when Aarshac, at the age of twelve, discovered a young maiden named Amalee. He fell so in love with her that it was said that a lot of the cracks he had made in the earth started healing.

      Whether it was true or not, Luwel didn’t know (though it would make for a nice change of pace). All he knew was that he was a nervous wreck.

      If anything happened to that girl, it would be doomsday for the tribe.

      Dooms. Day.

      He shuddered every time he thought about it.

      Shamefully, to make sure of Amalee’s survival through the harsh desert life, he neglected the well-being of other people. It wasn’t because he liked doing it (he didn’t); it was rather because there was no way in Heaven or earth that Aarshac cared for anyone as much as he did for her.

      Luwel had no idea what Aarshac saw in that girl. She was too adventurous… and loud, for that matter. She laughed too much. And talked too much. She was just a general pain, in Luwel’s opinion.

      But still he protected her. He didn’t really have a choice. Aarshac thought the pest was the most beautiful, perfect thing, so it was Luwel’s duty to make sure she was safe and secure and happy, however frustrated and angry it made him feel.

      He’d tried to talk some sense into his brother several times, but to no avail. Every time he attempted his brother only with replied with “I don’t want to talk about it.” And while this made Luwel want to argue all the more, it was apparent his brother had made up his mind.

      The Pain Shield would just have to make due.

      Thus, every morning, when the scorching sun rose over the land of Arizona, he would go outside to see Aarshac and Amalee grinning ear to ear while they stood in the dawn.

      “Where are you off to today?” He’d ask in defeat, with a hint of sarcasm, knowing there was no point in arguing.

      “A new horizon,” was their answer each time, and off they’d sprint, not even having to look back to know that with a sigh, Luwel would always be following.

      *

      Day 225. That is how long Aarshac and Amalee had been intent on spending every waking moment together. Luwel had been keeping count, and at each dawn he would pray to the Maker that it would end. Sadly, it had not yet happened. But it was still early. And he was still hopeful.

      For their daily quest, they’d ventured out quite a ways away from the oasis they called home, excited to explore some cave thing they’d found the day before. As it had been late then, they’d been unable to tour the place, which is why Luwel’s back was blistering in the early sun on this particular morning. It’d only been an hour since the rising of it, and it was already in a killing mood.

      “Come on, Lu!”

      But it apparently didn’t phase his wards. Sweat dripping down his copper skin, he inhaled deeply before bolting after them.

      The cave was another half hour’s run, but it seemed like an hour or two by Luwel’s clock. When they arrived, he felt like he was going to die, and he looked as if he’d just had a thorough bathing with sweat. Even Aarshac and Amalee looked spent. Their tiredness, however, was dimmed by their enthusiasm.

      “Tis a day that will be remembered!” Amalee cried, pointing fiercely to the sky as if she were leading an army into battle. Luwel and Aarshac glanced at each other from where they’d seated themselves. “The day the Brave Warriors of Hondim made a trip into the deepest and darkest of caves!”

      “Woop,” Luwel muttered, unimpressed by both what she named them and her description of the cave. He was pretty sure that, when he looked, he could see the back of it.

      “Come on, Lu,” Aarshac persuaded gently, elbowing his brother in the ribs. Luwel glanced at the nearing-teenager and saw affection bubbling out of his gaze like a fountain. He wanted to stay frustrated. He wanted his brother to know that he didn’t approve of this – any of this – but instead of scowling as he wished he would, he felt his face slacken and he inhaled a cleansing breath.

      “Fine,” he breathed, ending an unspoken argument. Aarshac grinned in response and his eyes looked as if he wanted to hug, but instead he climbed to his feet. Dusting himself off, he beckoned toward the cave with a tilt of his head and said, “Shall we?”
      “After you,” Amalee replied with an exaggerated bow, and the three stepped into the darkness.

      The cave echoed with their every footstep. Luwel hoped that there weren’t any vicious or poisonous animals hiding from the sun where they walked, despite the fact that it was probably very likely. He supposed that they would all die if there were, and it would be all Amalee’s fault, and their whole village would fall into a giant canyon that Aarshac’s last moments of grief had created.

      “This is so cool,” Amalee squeaked, hopping a bit in excitement.

      It won’t be once we die. Luwel wanted to say it aloud, but he didn’t.

      The next few minutes were spent in silence as they traveled deeper into the darkness, light dwindling away with every step they took. Luwel continued to glance around for things that might want to eat them until he couldn’t see his hand in front of his face. Guess we’ll just have to go on faith now, he thought, and every step he took was tentative and fearful. He wasn’t too keen on stepping on a dangerous lizard.

      “Look!” Aarshac suddenly cried, making his companions jump, and he sprinted to the very back of the cave.

      Luwel had no idea how he could see anything, but he followed anyway and came a little ways behind his brother. Amalee was close behind him.

      “It’s writing! And pictures!” Aarshac was obviously enthralled with his discovery, and when Luwel discovered that there actually where words and pictures, he found that his interest peaked as well.

      “Let me see!” He demanded, bounding forward. He nudged his brother out of the way with an elbow, and came so close to the wall that his nose almost touched the cool stone.

      His eyes began to adjust, and red splotches filled his vision. The more he stared, the more he saw, until the blotches turned into scrawls of writing.

      “Whoa,” he breathed.

      “What’s it say?” coaxed a curious Amalee, peeking her head over his shoulder.

      Luwel shook her off. “Hang on a minute,” he snapped, eying her viciously before turning back to the red letters. Licking his lips, he squinted before murmuring, “It looks like a kind of poem or song.”

      “Cool,” Aarshac and Amalee breathed simultaneously.

      Luwel ignored them. “Okay, I can see it good enough to read. It says,

      ‘RUN, RUN, DESERT CHILD,
      BEWARE OF THE MOUTH OF THE GROUND.
      IT SWALLOWS YOU
      IN IT’S DEEP BLACKNESS,
      SO RUN BEFORE IT CAN.’

      Amalee wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t even rhyme,” she complained.

      “It’s also rather terrifying,” Aarshac added with a tremble in his voice.

      A deep dread seeped into Luwel’s heart, and he licked his lips again. They shouldn’t have come here. He couldn’t shake the feeling that they were trespassing on some dark thing’s secret, a dark thing that had no conflict of conscience when it came to destroying anyone who came near. “Come on, guys,” he ordered, already making his way back to the entrance. “We need to go.”

      “I’m with you,” Aarshac squeaked, following close behind.

      But they didn’t run fast enough, and the mouth of the ground began to swallow.

      A rumble tore through the earth, shaking beneath their feet. Luwel felt his skin grow cold. Dust from the ceiling was falling around them like some sort of dark, twisted confetti.

      “Aarshac?” he whispered, unable to raise his voice any higher. He looked to his brother for an explanation. Rumbles didn’t usually happen by themselves.

      The boy only shook his head, eyes wide. “It wasn’t me,” he squeaked.

      A rock broke loose from the roof, plummeting to the cave floor not a yard from the children. It landed in a cloud of dust, motes floating around in the sunlight provided by the gaping hole above them.

      None of them moved. They only stared. It wasn’t every day that one was about to be trapped inside a collapsing cave, and for a while neither of them were able to fully process what was happening. It wasn’t until the next rock hit the ground that Luwel screamed, “RUN!”

      The others didn’t need to be told twice. Shrieking with their terror, they bolted ahead, with Luwel following close behind. Stones were falling in the multitudes now, and the children had to dodge out of the way to avoid being crushed or wounded.

      But one of them didn’t dodge fast enough. A cry of help brought that to Luwel’s attention.

      The young man stopped in his tracks, whipping around to see Amalee behind him, tugging at her dress. It was stuck underneath one of the larger pieces of debris, held fast. Amalee looked panicked, and she pleaded silently with Luwel to come help her.

      “Amalee!? Luwel!?” Aarshac’s scared voice called to them from the outside, but his concern caused more harm than good. As soon as the cry left his lungs the cave shook with more violence.

      “WE’RE OKAY!” Luwel yelled, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He ran towards Amalee and took her hand, pulling with all his might. “JUST STAY CALM! WE’LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!”

      “Luwel,” Amalee choked, trying to keep back a sob. Even in the dim light, Luwel could see tears mist her eyes, and he felt a stab of guilt. “I don’t want to die.”

      The moment seemed to freeze before him, and his gaze locked with hers. Shame suddenly flooded him for ever having thought of the child negatively. She was a person. She had a soul, and a mind, and a heart, and her heart was hurting as he looked at her. The realization made him think about why Aarshac had such a big heart in the first place. This was why. Because he knew that, deep down, every person was just as alive as he was, and everybody hurt just as he did.

      It was a startling revelation, and it sent of fire of protective instinct through his bones.

      “You won’t,” he promised, clenching her hand in his. “Not if I can help it.”

      With another hard pull Amalee broke free, her dress tearing and leaving a patch in the dust. Luwel kept a hold of her hand and bolted at full force, swerving this way and that to escape the falling roof.

      “LUWEL!” Aarshac screamed, and another great ripple shook them. Luwel teetered, and as he did so he noticed that the entrance of the cave was about to collapse.

      Aarshac knew it, too. When Luwel righted himself his younger brother was pointing frantically, eyes wide, horror plain on his face.

      I have to get her out. Luwel immediately thought of his brother’s love beside him. It was obvious that Amalee saw the crumbling exit too, because when he turned around to see why she wasn’t moving, he saw that she stood frozen with eyes as big as saucers.

      “Come on!” He yelled, and he pulled her along as fast as he could.

      But even as he ran, he knew they wouldn’t be able to came it in time.

      Not both of them, anyway.

      He let go of the girl’s hand.

      “What are you doing!?” She cried, and already she began to fall behind. Terror was plain in her face. She thought he was leaving her.

      “Run ahead of me!” Luwel yelled above the clamor.

      “What?”

      “RUN AHEAD OF ME! DO IT NOW!”

      Amalee, too afraid to ask another question, bolted ahead. Luwel followed behind her, watching as the rocks began to fall.

      “GUYS!” Aarshac’s voice was racked with horror, and Luwel suddenly knew what he had to do.

      “Amalee, RUN!”

      The girl hurled herself forward with all her might, and just as the biggest rock began to plummet from the ceiling, Luwel flung himself at her and pushed her into the sunlight.

      The last moments of his heart were filled with grief for his brother.

      *

      “LUWEL!” A scream of agony tore from Aarshac’s throat. The boy scrambled towards the enclosed cave, tripping over himself in his haste. “Luwel! No!”

      The ground rumbled with impending destruction as Aarshac flung himself onto the pile of rocks, digging through the pieces until he found a bloody hand jutting out from among the rubble. “Luwel!” He screamed, trying as hard as he could to push off the giant boulder that had fallen on him. Tears formed in his eyes and he choked back a sob, horrified.

      “Luwel?” Amalee’s shaky voice came from beside him. If Aarshac had bothered to look up, he would’ve seen an ashen face, wide eyes staring at the blood that leaked from their fallen protector.

      “This can’t be happening,” Aarshac croaked.

      The earth roared.

      “Aarshac!” The boy suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. Amalee was trying to pull him away. “Aarshac, we have to go! It’s not safe here!”

      Aarshac didn’t move. He couldn’t. His arms and legs felt numb, and he couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t hear, or see, or even breath, and only a few words rang in his mind; Luwel is… gone?

      It was the last straw for his heart. All of the pain, and grief, and fear he’d been storing up over the years, all the things he’d wished he could cry about but couldn’t because he wanted to keep his people safe, came tearing out of his heart and lungs and soul in a hurricane of grief.

      His wail raked the sky, and it ripped the earth.

      It was as if the Maker had just unleashed his own grief over the state of his creation, funneling his agony through Aarshac’s lungs and bringing his fury onto the land before them.

      “Aarshac, please!” Amalee cried. She was clinging to him now, trying to keep herself steady as the ground feel apart around her. Horror welled up her heart like a flood as she watched the cave tumble in, and then the land behind the cave, and then the land after that, and after that. It widened and roared and quaked and went on until she couldn’t see the end of it, but the rumble in the ground told her it kept going.

      Seeing it broke her heart, and she cried, too.

      *

      It was many days before Amalee returned to the tribe of Hondim, and that was only because the tribers sent a search party out to find the three children after discovering that they couldn’t be found after the Great Earthquake. Amalee was the only child to return, and she was mad with hunger and thirst. All the way back to the camp she wept, crying out things like “He saved me!” and “He left me!” and often times blubbering about nothing in particular through her tears, looking around wildly as if she had no idea what was happening or where she was or who she was.

      It was another many days before Amalee was in her right mind to tell the tale. She told them about Luwel saving her life and sacrificing his own, and Aarshac’s grief, and the canyon. She told them about the sound he made, and she wept again just thinking about it. The tribers would panic when this happened, thinking that her sadness would cause another great crack, but it never did. After that day, no one ever hurt the earth with grief.

      She told them that she’d stayed with Aarshac for days until she’d passed out from sheer exhaustion. When she’d awakened, the tribers were taking her home and Aarshac was nowhere. She didn’t know where he’d gone.

      At this news, Aarshac’s family wept – blood relatives and others alike.

      The canyon was named Luwel’s Split from that day forward. Myths were spread that Aarshac had jumped into the canyon so he could join his brother in death, though the part of the canyon closest to them was searched thoroughly and his body was never found. Luwel’s was, however. His broken body was immediately taken back to the camp where they laid him in the earth.

      Others claimed that Aarshac was still wandering around the canyon, grieved to the point of madness. Sights of him had been spotted, and even the settlers that came decades after the tribe of Hondim left the area reported that they sometimes saw a lone figure walking along the cliff side. He would moan, and the ground would rumble.

      The settlers dubbed the area the Grand Canyon, as it was the largest fissure in the earth that anyone had ever seen. It is called that to this day, and very few know that it’s original name was Luwel’s Split.

      In my opinion, I say that Aarshac wouldn’t have minded at all.

      It probably eased his sorrows with forgetfulness.

      Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

      #34272
      Louise Fowler
      @perfectfifths
        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
        • Total Posts: 726

        Wow, that was amazing! I have often seen this prompt around, but I’d never given it a try. If I did, I don’t see how I can top this!

        Very well done! 😀

        Currently reading Les Miserables

        #34293
        G. B. Carter
        @graceofspades2017
          • Rank: Wise Jester
          • Total Posts: 81

          @perfectfifths *breaths a huge sigh of relief*
          Thank you! (Please excuse the typos – I read this story to my brother and realized there were many. Heh.) This is my first “published” (sort of kind of) work so you’re positive feedback means a ton. 😀

          Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

          #34295
          Louise Fowler
          @perfectfifths
            • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
            • Total Posts: 726

            You’re welcome! 😀 I did see a few errors, and though normally I’m a picky beta-reader, especially with people I know/am more familiar with, I didn’t have the heart to be picky at the moment, plus I wanted to enjoy the story without interrupting myself in making notes about edits 😉 😀

            • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Louise Fowler.

            Currently reading Les Miserables

            #34297
            G. B. Carter
            @graceofspades2017
              • Rank: Wise Jester
              • Total Posts: 81

              @perfectfifths Yay! It makes me happy to know that it was enjoyable despite the errors. I’ll probably go back and make some edits later on. If there are any that stick out to you, feel free to let me know. 🙂 (But please don’t feel obliged to read the whole thing over again if you don’t have anything. It’s rather long. XD)

              Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

              #34298
              Louise Fowler
              @perfectfifths
                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                • Total Posts: 726

                The only one at the moment is a typo in the line, “…as the ground feel apart around her.”

                Currently reading Les Miserables

                #34302
                G. B. Carter
                @graceofspades2017
                  • Rank: Wise Jester
                  • Total Posts: 81

                  @perfectfifths Pff, oh boy. XD *chuckles in embarrassment*
                  Thank you though. 🙂

                  Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

                  #34306
                  Louise Fowler
                  @perfectfifths
                    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                    • Total Posts: 726

                    No worries! 😀

                    Currently reading Les Miserables

                    #34374
                    SleepwalkingMK
                    @sleepwalkingmk
                      • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                      • Total Posts: 179

                      Oh my word. Are you trying to make more Grand Canyons? This is so good it hurts! :'(

                      Read to explore worlds, write to create them.

                      #34381
                      G. B. Carter
                      @graceofspades2017
                        • Rank: Wise Jester
                        • Total Posts: 81

                        @sleepwalkingMK XD No, that wasn’t my intention, though I did hope it to be sad. I’m simultaneously glad that I accomplished my purposes (MUAHAHA!) and sorry that you’re sad, or at least sad in the sort of way one gets when they read a sad story. 🙁 I’m glad you think it is good, though!! 😀

                        Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

                        #34452
                        Kate Flournoy
                        @kate-flournoy
                          • Rank: Chosen One
                          • Total Posts: 3976

                          @GraceofSpades2017 Oooh I like it! And I usually don’t connect well with stories told by a narrator, so that’s big. 😀
                          The one criticism I would have is try to keep the tone of the story consistent. For instance, I felt like you were going for the ancient Native American vibe here, but then there were words like ‘okay’ and ‘sure’ and such that didn’t fit in with that tone and jolted me out of the story.
                          Good twist having Luwel die instead of Amalee. *sniffs**wipes eyes**goes off blinking blearily into her handkerchief*

                          G. B. Carter
                          @graceofspades2017
                            • Rank: Wise Jester
                            • Total Posts: 81

                            @kate-flournoy Thank you for the criticism!! And duly noted. Very good point. 🙂
                            Heheheh, thanks. XD I figured having Amalee die would be expected, so I was like, let’s kill Luwel instead. 😏

                            Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

                            #34472
                            Kate Flournoy
                            @kate-flournoy
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 3976

                              @GraceofSpades2017 *high fives* Spoken like a true author. XD

                              Louise Fowler
                              @perfectfifths
                                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                                • Total Posts: 726

                                Haha, seeing as someone has to die, let’s make it the one people will least expect/give the readers and characters more heartbreak XD

                                • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Louise Fowler.

                                Currently reading Les Miserables

                                #34488
                                G. B. Carter
                                @graceofspades2017
                                  • Rank: Wise Jester
                                  • Total Posts: 81

                                  @kate-flournoy XDD

                                  @perfectfifths
                                  EXACTLY. *muahahahaaaaa*

                                  Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI 🙂 ): INTP-T

                                Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
                                • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
                                >