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WARNING: The below writing may be a masterpiece, but it is a masterpiece of stupidity. By reading it you are agreeing that you 1) Are not a giraffe. 2) Will not sue us, our descendants, or MSG due to any loss of brain cells or gray matter. (You can sue us over purple matter though.) 3) You agree to agree to any other agreements that we reserve the right to add in here at any time, or cucumber.
What do I write here?
Oh,
Words.
Cool.
Squishy, splendiferous, rose.
*Gasp* That’s what we will talk about! Quick, add to the title! Hast! Hast!
So, do you like cucumbers? I do! So, even if you don’t, try to pretend that you do. Just don’t actually say that you do, or you would be lying (Or possibly marrying someone. But, if you do say you do, please include cucumbers at the reception for all of us who like them and for the giraffes.) Now, since all of us here like cucumbers, including all the awkward mutes in the back wearing the “I Hate Cucumbers” t-shirts we must discuss a very, very, very, very serious situation. (Insert a very formalityish throat clear) The giraffes are eating all of the world’s cucumbers!
Hey, you in the back, why are you evilly laughing? Didn’t you hear me?! This is very very very very serious! In fact, it’s more very than serious!
Now folks, even though this is very very, I have good news. I have a plan!
Great Wonderful Plan
- Declare war on the giraffes (Yes even the cute babies. Sorry, cute babies.)
- Fight them until they beg for peace.
- Make them sign a very long and very lengthy peace treaty that states that they have read it, will make me, the Black Mongoose, King (this portion must be hid in all the other gobbledy gook), and, most importantly, will only eat a fourteens of the all world cucumbers
Great plan isn’t it! I thought so my- Oh. Yes, you in the back. You have a question? How are we going to fight the giraffes since they have big feet, big necks, and little tiny horns? Well, I have a plan for that too! (Ha! Take that cucumber haters! Bet you didn’t see that coming.)
Great Wonderful Plan to Fight the Giraffes
- Giraffes hate one thing the most.
- That one thing is the smell of Saint Valentines Cologne.
Great plan isn’t it! I thought so my- Oh. You in the back again. You have a question? Are you sure you don’t- How do I know that Giraffes hate Saint Valentines Colone? Well. . .
I had coffee with Saint Valentines.
He’s not my patron saint by any means, but I’ll never forget his words to me. . . now what were they?
Ah, yes. He said “I never thought I would be meeting a talking mongoose at a coffee shop.”
No. . . no that’s not right.
He said “You royal lowness, the Black Mongoose, may you live forever and you black fur be shiny! How can your humble servant be of assistance to your wonderful personage!”
Yes! Yes, that’s what he said!
Then I- Oh. Again? Question? Oh, a statement this time. How original. That’s not what he said? Well, how do you know, you weren’t there.
As I was saying before my credibility was questioned, then I told him all about our very, very, very, very serious situation. I told him about how good cucumbers were. (and he, like all people, agreed with me.) And finally I told him about the world’s issue with the giraffes.
Then he said, what was it again? OH, yes. “Well, I can’t say I feel bad about the cucumbers. I’ll have to admit that they aren’t particularly my favorite. Also, giraffes hate my cologne.”
Based on this revealing revelation, I kindly asked him to donate some of his cologne to the fledgling cause. . . but he said it was “rather expensive”, so he “sadly could not spare any”. He wasn’t miserly enough though to also withhold the name of the scent.
Squishy Splendiferous Rose.
Therefore, friends, Americans, and cucumber lovers, lend me your ears, but more preferably your deep pockets. As the slug shaped teapot comes around, please put in a very, very, very, very generous donation. (Bills, not coins. This means you in the back!) The world, my soon to be giraffe’s servant, and the cucumbers will greatly thank you.
Long live the Mongoose!
Just in case one of you wants to donate. 😉 (No salt please)
What is being donated again?
"And she realized that Gnag the Nameless' best efforts to blacken the world would only serve to sc
It doesn’t necessarily have to be money. We also accept easily liquidatable assets (stocks, bonds, pork bellies. . . OH! And hot cocoa! Man! I can liquidate me some hot chocolate! 😸🍫☕ ).
Or, if you have a battleship, couple fighter jets, or an atom bomb you aren’t planning on using any time soon, we could forget the cologne fund
and start enslaving the giraffe population! (All to save the cucumbers of course.😻 )This sounds like a scam XDXD
ART YE A’QUESTIONING ME CREDIBLE CREDIBILITY?! 🙀
(Bet there’s a “I hate cucumbers” shirt in this ones closet. 😿)
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