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Thanks!! I’m glad it’s working, I honestly don’t even know what I did lol. Warrain is based a lot on Overwatch, which I’ve played a lot before, so maybe it’s coming from experience and that’s how. (It’s still a very different game though.)
I sure like Cole.
When’s Alec coming back? he was my favorite!! *puppy whimper*
*happy author faces*
Alec gets his own (brief) chapter in Chapter 13! 😁
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
WHAT! NO!! A character like Alec needs a lot more spotlight!!!
He also needs to die.
I WANNA READ CHAPTER 13!!
No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
That’s not his only chapter, just the next one when he appears… I think.
He also needs to die.
That sounds contradictory, lol.
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
no, it makes perfect sense.
He’s an awesome character and I wanna see him more.
He’s my favorite so I want him to die.
No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
He’s my favorite so I want him to die.
No wonder you kill off so many characters. 😅
🖋️Official KP Psychopath✒️
Lolol
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
That title was given to me by a very distressed Highscribe and I bare it proudly.
No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
Poor Highscribe. What did you do to her?
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
NOTHING! XD
I just told someone to kill off a character that she happened to like……
No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
Lol.
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
I read through everything so far!
This is looking great. I’m really impressed with your style. It’s so confident and… I don’t know how to phrase this. Occupied with the plot. There’s always something going on, and because of the realistic dialogue, I can really believe in the overall realism of the world.
I like how the world and the underground church don’t feel too one-note. It feels more as if the story is interested in freedom of religion than just saying ‘Christianity good, everything else bad.’ And by bringing the concept of bias into the mix, you’re acknowledging the nuance of the situation.
I dislike stories where everything about the dystopian setting is dark and mind-washed – because it’s severely under-developed, and doesn’t validate any of the other perspectives a character can take. This world you’ve created, while it is clearly a dystopia, still has normal things. Their mom makes enchiladas. Their friends are navigating crushes. Little stuff like that. It’s not so unbelievable.
Sara and Cole remind me of myself and my younger brother. I’ve always been the more academic one who is concerned about my own actions, and he is very invested in games and competitive friend groups.
As for the synesthesia, you didn’t go overboard with it, which I appreciate. 🙏 Sara has a personality which isn’t dependent on her neurological quirk. She would still be a good protagonist without it. It was pretty accurate throughout.
If I had to give a critique, it would be more of a warning for the future. Keep the nuance, even when Sara becomes a Christian. It’s really nice to feel like the story isn’t pressing a religious message.
Other things… hm… When you reach the editing phase, there are two notes.
1. Add more setting description so we get an even better sense of where the characters are.
2. You use a lot of being verbs. For example, ‘Cole’s mom was against VWorld’ can be replaced with ‘Cole’s mom objected to VWorld.’ Those are easily replaced with more descriptive action verbs.
That’s it for now! Looking forward to the next section! <3
"If I don't like something, it's probably sanctification. Ugh." -E.C.S.
Awesome!! Sorry I stopped tagging you, I didn’t know if you were still reading.
Thank you so much for the feedback! Making the world relatable was one of my big focuses, because I didn’t want it to just be this unrealistic cliche dystopian. I wanted the reader to be able to see why the government was this way, and for the gradual shift against religion to be believable (while still wrong). I’m still working on the details, though.
Sara has a personality which isn’t dependent on her neurological quirk. She would still be a good protagonist without it.
This is actually something I’ve been thinking about. I loved the concept of synesthesia (which also gave the book its title, which I love and can’t really imagine a different one), but at times I wonder if it feels distracting. Like too much went into Sara’s character—the synesthesia, the love for story and facts, the depression and her search for hope. If I keep the synesthesia in, I want it to connect to the plot and the story instead of feeling like some strange afterthought (and it’s hard to remember to write it in.) ( @ellette-giselle or @linus-smallprint, do either of you have feedback on this too?)
Okay, I’ll keep those things in mind! Thank you so much!
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
Awesome!! Sorry I stopped tagging you, I didn’t know if you were still reading.
I’m sorry I didn’t read sooner. XD I seem to have the unfortunate tendency of promising my feedback on multiple manuscripts. Nevertheless, I am here.
Making the world relatable was one of my big focuses, because I didn’t want it to just be this unrealistic cliche dystopian. I wanted the reader to be able to see why the government was this way, and for the gradual shift against religion to be believable (while still wrong). I’m still working on the details, though.
Amazing. 💅
If I keep the synesthesia in, I want it to connect to the plot and the story instead of feeling like some strange afterthought (and it’s hard to remember to write it in.)
I have an idea. This is a long shot, but let me try to put it into words. XD
If I were to wager, I guess the twins are going to reconnect. Right now they aren’t in a place where they share a lot with each other. Sara doesn’t understand Cole’s goals, and Cole clearly hasn’t asked Sara about everything she’s going through. There’s a communication divide between them. No a huge one, but especially because they’re finishing school, there’s a possibility they will drift farther apart.
I had a thought… What if Cole moves to deepen the relationship first? That would be an amazing development for him. When Cole realizes he wants to talk to his sister, maybe he starts by asking her about synesthesia? It’s way less serious to talk about than depression.
They can joke that Sara’s mind is too weird for twin telepathy to work. Maybe Cole tries to invent a color code (instead of finishing homework XD), playing around because Sara speaks ‘a whole other language.’ I know when my brother has asked me about synesthesia, I feel seen.
Sara’s mock superpowers becomes a way for the twins to connect. Like an inside joke. Or a special color becomes a code word for, ‘hey, I want to know what’s going on inside your head. Even if I’m not good at twin telepathy yet.’
I don’t know if I’ve fleshed this out enough to makes sense…
"If I don't like something, it's probably sanctification. Ugh." -E.C.S.
You’re good! XD
Oh, this is unrelated, but by the way, how is Challenge 4 going? What are you planning to do for your senior thesis? (I saw you were sprinting to work on it.)
I think I understand what you were trying to say, and I love that idea! A scene is starting to form in my head already 😅 The only problem is, I’ll have to figure out where that belongs in Cole’s character arc, since the timing on that is a little uncertain. I’m planning for this to be a duology, so that might be a great idea for the second book. I’ll just have to spend some time figuring out when I want to repair their relationship. But that is a really good idea! Honestly, I feel like I should maybe go back to the beginning and add hints of that in so it can be like a joke between them.
Anyway, thanks so much! And yep, next section should be Tuesday. 😁
"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
First off, @whalekeeper had an amazing suggestion for Cole and Sara! Love that!
Second, I like the synesthesia. It’s interesting and I don’t really know much about it so I feel like i’m uncovering something new as I read. I may be the odd number on this, but I personally enjoy it.
how about you, @linus-smallprint ?
No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
Great! Yeah, I thought it was a really cool way to detail the narrative and make Sara’s voice distinct. I’m glad it doesn’t feel too distracting.
Now to be more consistent with it 🤔😂"Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him." ~ C. S.
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