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I went to the psychiatrist for stress, not autism, and it was one of his first thoughts for me lol. Probably partially because I was stressed by his crazy office because it ‘wasn’t like other doctors offices’. Idk what he caught on to.
Going to a psychiatrist for stress is perfectly understandable in your situation girl.
I mean there’s different levels of autism and different levels of masking too. Maybe the autistic people your mom knows have a higher level of it or a different type, because it isn’t the same for everyone. My sister is diagnosed and she asks questions about why she different, and why she didn’t fit in.
Yeah definitely. I think she was just making the point I mentioned in my disclaimer XD
Ack that sounds really unpleasant! I’ve only gotten close to like that once and it was with my mom and she totally didn’t understand what was happening, and I felt so guilty. I could talk but could barely stand to be in another human’s precense lol. It’s different from what you’re talking about but still kinda scary.
Anything like that is rough. Ofc you are different from me, but if you ever feel that way again, it helps to find a distraction like a nearby animal or object. Trying to make sweet talk at a dog, for example, gives you another emotional mask I guess that ultimately distracts you from the worse.
Yeah mental disorder ‘culture’ is kind of a odd thing, however, I think sometimes good comes with it. It makes it less scary, I guess.
Yep.
Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand that your version of their smaller problem actually impairs your life to a great extent.
Nothing to say here, just want to acknowledge this is important 👍
I think you’re right that traits like autism can come from multiple places… It could be other factors, and I think I’ll only ever really know what’s going on when I’m healed of the health and family issues, I’ll see what’s left. It could be a coping mechanism that just looks severely like autism, I suppose. My personality is suppressed because of my dad, and not knowing myself causes a lot of confusion as a result.
At this point you are trying to identify the problem, which is a step so many people ignore. You’re doing great ❤️
“Everything is a mountain”
@savannah_grace2009 @whalekeeper @grcr @freed_and_redeemed @anyone
Hi guys!! Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here 🙂 But yeah, lifes been… different? How are you doing? How’s your WIP’s?
About the Pinterest board, well I think I’m done with writing (for now, but who knows?). I was really thinking about it a few months ago and realized that I don’t want to continue. I am going to publish my current WIP after my friend finishes editing it, but I can’t see myself writing another. That’s just my personal feeling though, I want to spend more time figuring out what I want to do in the future, I kind of want to do something in the forensic science realm.
And it’s almost my 16th so that’s exciting 😄 I’ve also been adjusting a bit better to NC, but I still can’t get over how humid it is here 🥵 115 degrees with 0% humidity is what I’m used to, but 90 with 60%??
Anyway… I really missed all you guys! How’s everything? 🥰 I’m probably not going to be on the forum too often, but I will try to pop on from time to time.
And Freedom, I’ve been getting your updates on “Freedoms Fire”. Good job!! I’m super excited to get a copy!!
"Would you kindly...?"
@ACANCELLO
YOU’RE BACK YOU’RE BACK YOU’RE BACKI DID NOT SEE THAT COMING OH MY GOODNESS WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW
well I think I’m done with writing (for now, but who knows?)
Awww sad day :/ that’s okay though! You do whatever you feel is best for you, and what God is calling you too! I have missed you so much 💗💗💗💗💗💗 and I will continue to miss you!!!
But about feeling you’re done writing…
that’s what I said two years ago…I literally told my family that I didn’t enjoy writing and I wasn’t ever going to write again…And sorry for blowing up your email with always tagging you xD I just really missed you! I promise I won’t anymore if you don’t want me to lol
God has been teaching me sooo much lately! And I can see how much I’ve matured in the past six months, it’s insane! I feel less alone because I know God’s got me and He’s getting me through it <3
And writing…I have so much to tell you…if you’re interested xD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333YOU’RE BACK YOU’RE BACK YOU’RE BACK I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING OH MY GOODNESS WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW
Wow! Thanks! Lol XD That means a lot <3
Awww sad day :/ that’s okay though! You do whatever you feel is best for you, and what God is calling you too! I have missed you so much 💗💗💗💗💗💗 and I will continue to miss you!!!
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
And sorry for blowing up your email with always tagging you xD I just really missed you! I promise I won’t anymore if you don’t want me to lol
Hey dont worry about it! I always enjoy reading them 🙂
But about feeling you’re done writing…that’s what I said two years ago…I literally told my family that I didn’t enjoy writing and I wasn’t ever going to write again…
Lol! I know, it may just be a stage I’m going through, but at the moment I’m done.
God has been teaching me sooo much lately! And I can see how much I’ve matured in the past six months, it’s insane! I feel less alone because I know God’s got me and He’s getting me through it <3
Thats amazing!! I’m so happy for you!!
And writing…I have so much to tell you…if you’re interested xD
Of course!! 😀
"Would you kindly...?"
HIIIIIII!!!!!
I’ve missed you a lot too!
About the Pinterest board, well I think I’m done with writing (for now, but who knows?). I was really thinking about it a few months ago and realized that I don’t want to continue. I am going to publish my current WIP after my friend finishes editing it, but I can’t see myself writing another. That’s just my personal feeling though, I want to spend more time figuring out what I want to do in the future, I kind of want to do something in the forensic science realm.
Ah, that’s ok! As long as you’re happy. Forensic science is cool! What makes you kinda want to do that?
And it’s almost my 16th so that’s exciting 😄 I’ve also been adjusting a bit better to NC, but I still can’t get over how humid it is here 🥵 115 degrees with 0% humidity is what I’m used to, but 90 with 60%??
Ohh, happy early birthday! 😄🎂🎈
Oof, humidity… I feel you on that one.
Anyway… I really missed all you guys! How’s everything? 🥰 I’m probably not going to be on the forum too often, but I will try to pop on from time to time.
💛💛
It’s been good over here. Just living, slowly progressing on my novel, and trying to finish my last few subjects for school.
It’s good to talk to you again! Glad your alive, lol 😄
Fin knew. Riker knew.
Fin wasn’t afraid. Riker was terrified.Hi!! Ive missed you!!
Ah, that’s ok! As long as you’re happy. Forensic science is cool! What makes you kinda want to do that?
So I toured a high school and they had a forensic science booth, I told my Mom I thought it was super cool and shes going to buy the curriculum for it next year (I dont want to go to public high school yet XD) Then Ive also been reading forensic science books, its such an interesting subject!
Ohh, happy early birthday! 😄🎂🎈
Thank you!
Thanks!It’s good to talk to you again! Glad your alive, lol 😄
Lol! Its good talking to you too!
"Would you kindly...?"
@savannah_grace2009 @rae @mineralizedwritings @keilah-h @koshka @ellette_giselle @anyone-else
Anyone want a Riker scene? 👀
Fair warning…Riker is about to plunge into another dark place, and is about to separate himself from everyone that has ever loved him, until he literally comes to the end of himself, and thus this scene may cause some tears. (although this is before he separates himself entirely)
anywhooo…scene!!!
TW: MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE
Three days since he’d first awoken in Isaiah’s home; three days since he’d become aware of what was going on around him again. He was walking, talking, even engaging in “normal” activities.
But he still didn’t belong with Isaiah’s family nor deserve what Isaiah and Isaiah’s family continued to give.
Riker slowly slipped an envelope filled with a letter for his wife into his coat pocket, grabbed a small bundle of his things, and stepped out of the room Isaiah had allowed him to reside within.
He wiped sweat from his forehead and took in a deep breath. Despite the pain in his head and the pain that still remained in his arm, he was entirely fine. He got dizzy at times, sure, but where was the harm in that?
Riker sighed and flicked back loose strands of hair that desired to stick to his warm, fevered forehead.
Six days since he’d first been brought to Isaiah’s home, and Isaiah’s family unnecessarily cared and worried for him.
So what if his arm still ached? So what if there was still an infection in his injury? So what if he still had a fever that broke only occasionally after six days of treatment?
Riker walked down the hallway and hesitated mere inches from a doorframe. He leaned close, leaned in.
Isaiah remained beside the bed, on his knees, hands clasped and just below his chin, fingers intertwined.
With his eyes closed, almost inaudible prayers tumbled from his lips.
Riker very gently drummed his fingers on just the edge of the doorframe, his head still reeling. Was it so wrong to want to leave? Was it so wrong to separate himself from those he loved to remove the possibility of him hurting, even killing, the ones he loved most?
It didn’t matter what anyone said—it didn’t matter what anyone thought.
He needed to leave.
And how did a murderer deserve people to love in the first place?
“Riker, you should be resting.” Isaiah whispered, slowly rising from his kneeling position, slightly adjusting his rounded glasses. “That infection in your arm is still healing, and judging by your glossy eyes, you’re still battling a fever—”
“I’m leaving, Isaiah.”
Isaiah blinked once, twice. “Why? Riker, I’ve already told you that you can stay as long as you need—”
“I have to leave, Isaiah.”
“Riker-“
“You lost so much. Leon lost his wife. So many lost—”
“Enough of that, Riker.” Isaiah replied, firm but somehow kind.
“I deserve to die, Isaiah. I deserve to die the same way so many died. They were innocent, I’m guilty, and somehow, I’m the one that’s still alive.”
“Riker, God has kept you alive for a purpose.”
“He should kill me. He already should have killed me. God doesn’t have mercy for a man like me, Isaiah. He shouldn’t. I’m just sorry it took so long for me to realize my father was right all along.”
Isaiah’s brown eyes brimmed with tears. “Riker…”
Riker turned away, tears burning his dark blue eyes. He wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry. He didn’t deserve the right to cry. Men didn’t cry. His father had made that point very clear—“Riker, you are so much more than a mistake. God created you. God loves you more than you will ever know, knows you more than anyone else will ever know you, and wants you more than anyone will ever want you.”
Aadelheide. Fin. Jennie. Jezyk. Hans. All of them had died, many of them by Riker’s own blood-stained hands.
Leon. Isaiah. Aaron. Joash. So many countless others…they suffered with the consequences of losing those they loved, those they lost in the camps…in the war.
“Don’t leave, Riker.”
“I can’t stay, Isaiah. I don’t deserve your help, your care. And you don’t deserve to bear the scorn of having a man as sinful as me in your home. You don’t deserve to live with the risk of dying so soon, so suddenly. I’ve hurt so many, and I-I can’t hurt you too.”
“Riker, you could never—”
“Never? I could never hurt you? I killed Aadelheide, I killed Fin, I helped kill Jennie and Jezyk, and I couldn’t save Hans! Don’t tell me I can’t hurt you. I will, and I can’t let that happen.”
Isaiah took a single step closer, his eyes full of sympathy…sympathy Riker didn’t deserve, not in millions of years. “Riker, it’s not your job to save humanity. It’s not your job to save anyone. You won’t hurt me, Riker. I promise you will never hurt me.”
“I hurt my own family, Isaiah. I couldn’t protect my mother; I couldn’t always protect my sister. I burdened my father with a son he never wanted and a son that has never been and will never be good enough. I hurt all of them when I ran away over ten years ago, when I didn’t tell them where I was going because I wanted to get away—”
“Riker, you were just a child. Forgive yourself for all of that.”
But Isaiah didn’t know. Isaiah never heard—never saw. The plaintive pleas of his mother…the fear in Angelina’s young, big, bright eyes…the sounds of shattered glass…the looks of hurt on his mother and sister’s face when he returned after months away. Even their joy at his return and the joy of meeting Iris couldn’t wipe away the hurt.
Isaiah didn’t understand what Riker had to be.
The adult he had to be long before it was time, when his father was always away getting drunk, when his mother just couldn’t find the strength to do anything, not even be a mother.
Days spent in fear, in terror, worrying over whether he’d done everything right, worrying over whether or not he’d get things done, or cooked, or cleaned, in time.
Days spent worrying over if he’d make the same mistakes, if he’d hurt his kids the way his father and his grandfather had hurt him.
And in the end of it all, to only realize, that his family was better off without him all along.
“Riker—”
Riker shied away from Isaiah’s touch and pulled away from Isaiah’s words. It wasn’t…he couldn’t—he wouldn’t hurt Isaiah’s family and he wouldn’t hurt his own family.
He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t.
Riker shoved past Isaiah and ran.
Isaiah’s cries and pleas didn’t reach his ears; the only sounds he could hear were his feet hitting the ground, his heart pumping, and the images in his head and heard in his ears that came without warning.
He didn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop.
They’d all be wise to do what Riker had begged his wife to do in the letter he would mail to her: it would be better for everyone if they all forgot Riker Schind ever existed.
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.@freed_and_redeemed Riker, mister, this has gone beyond hugs. You now need serious counseling. I’m also about to call the character exploitation hotline on your author.
(JK I would never do that lol)
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
but why does it have to be so sadddddddd whyyyyyyyyy
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@acancello Hiiiii girlie!!! *hugs* 💖💖
Totally understand; you do what God has called you to do <3 And Happy Birthday!!!! And yessss, ughhhhhh, the humidity down here in the South is horrid🥵🔥
and I’m doing well! ‘Broken Shackles’, the sequel to ‘Freedom’s Fire’, is almost at 55k words, and mostly going smoothly!! Riker is breaking my heart, but what else is new?? 🫠😭
I’ve also been reading LOTR lately and have become obsessed😆😂
And thank youuuuu!!!! I’m so excited about the release of Freedom’s Fire and can’t wait until I get to share it with every one of you 💖
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.@keilah-h He’s needed counseling since he was a teenager🫠
and I’M SORRY. At least Leon is at the start of his redemption.
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.@freed_and_redeemed lol poor guy
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Why is Riker like all my bois rapped into one rn? Seriously, Alpha’s afraid he’ll hurt those he loves, Chase feels like he let down his mother in not protecting her. Nahim is just…my poor Nahim, I cried over him last night.
I think I finally figured out why I like Riker so much.
So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll finally let these salty droplets of water fall for Riker. I’m not kidding, I can barely see to type rn.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
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