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@freed_and_redeemed oooh nice! The concept sounds like a cool novel. Especially since you’re aiming to make it realistic more than anything.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@keilah-h @loopylin @whalekeeper @anyone else
Can I just like infodump my thoughts here because I haven’t got anywhere else to put them lol.
I’ve just been like slowly realizing how much not knowing I was autistic has impacted my stress level throughout my life and guys like I had no idea other people did not live this way. My dad has this thing of wanting everyone to be correct in how they behave, so I try my best to be this way so he doesn’t talk to me and try to change me. I didn’t have it as bad as my other family members because I’m either higher masking or less autistic, however now literally every action I make outside of my room is governed by how I should be. One of my close family members (also autistic), my dad had tried to ‘train’ to be normal when she was young. For instance, having her ‘learn’ normal facial expressions and trying to train coordination when it obviously wasn’t working. I was lucky to not have this experience, but I was sometimes kinda walking on eggshells.
Y’know how when you play video games, you can choose your skin/persona? That’s kind of me. I pick a person to be every time I go someplace, and each version of these people never has more than about half of me in it, so that if people don’t like it, at least they don’t not like 100% of me. I then analyze how I did at playing the character afterwards, and try to be better next time.
It’s like I appear to not have a lot of autistic traits, but if I have the awareness I would never allow myself to have those traits, because it’s been made unacceptable. I probably do have them, I just try not to show it. I first realized this with the fact that I laugh normally when I’m with other people, and I have this little hiccup laugh when I’m alone 😂😂 the only reason I use the normal one is to blend in.
Because I don’t feel comfortable expressing my emotions (Still remember that time somebody got yelled at for crying in my family) I tend to say things like “I’m very very sad right now” instead of crying. And then my mom only understand when I’ve reached my absolute breaking point and am struggling to speak and listen without extreme stress. Being respected is one of the highest priorities in my life, and I think I’m just so scared that people will take me as childish and irrespectabe if I act like myself, which besides, I don’t even know how to do. It’s only when I’m actually by myself that I act kinda like myself. Even when I’m writing, I tend to keep in mind what a neurotipycal audience would like, and It’s exhausting trying to be this other person.
I’ve been so bent on being normal that even when I’m breaking down inside, I keep up a relatively normal front and reduce it to something like, “I’m having a really hard time today.” and nobody knows It’s just like constant internal screaming 😂. I could in the most monotone voice be like ‘I’m really suffering right now’. And nobody would take it as seriously as my words because they need to see it to believe it. If I heard somebody say that, I wouldn’t care if they were crying or not because logically lying doesn’t help them, and they have no reason to get attention this way, so it must be true.
I seriously thought everyone was like this for the longest time, and it wasn’t until about 2 years ago I learned other people don’t have special interests, and this week that I realized some people can interact without stress. My Aunt is in town right now and I’m trying to get as much time with her as I can, but I just never seem to be able to feel free with other people, and I’m losing time with my loved ones when I spend it trying to recuperate from my normal person act.
People respect the side of my autism that makes me work hard, so it’s the side I show even though there’s so many other sides of it. It then makes my hard work (Drawing and writing) become stressful because my respect seems to hinge on it.
Anyways, thank you for reading my existential crisis, it makes me feel a little less alone. 💗 I think online circles are where I mask the least, but I still find myself trying to arrange my thoughts like a ‘normal person’. Pls pray for me lol 😭😭
"Than finish it... Because I'm with you till the end of the line." <3
@mineralizedwritings you’re welcome for listening. How old were you when you learned you were autistic (if you’re comfortable with sharing that)? I learned of it when I was about 12 or so.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
It was just like 2 weeks ago lol. I’m about to go to college so I’m older than most of you guys. Actually, I might be the oldest active member 🫢
"Than finish it... Because I'm with you till the end of the line." <3
@esther-c You’re almost finished with your book? Sweet.
I’m a solid portion of the way through my latest writing. Still have to write draft two because this first one isn’t perfect. But hey, at least I actually got it down onto the notebook, not like all the stories I kept in my head for far too long or quit writing on the second chapter.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@mineralizedwritings huh so you’ve been aware of it for a far shorter time than me.
I was going to give you suggestions on what you could do now that you know what’s in your brain, but…..my mind decided to crash itself in a New Mexico cornfield.
(I’ve never even been to New Mexico, at least not that I remember….lol it’s just an expression)
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Yeah XD
Never heard that expression before lol! I’ll probably get some counseling sometime soon hopefully. Not that that will solve all my problems lol
"Than finish it... Because I'm with you till the end of the line." <3
@mineralizedwritings Counseling is a VERY good idea.
also you haven’t heard that expression before ’cause I made it up…..lol
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
I’ll be praying💖
(and when you can, pls check your insta; I’m about to send you a DM)
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.Heeyy girl
I totally relate to hiding yourself behind a mask. Please understand you aren’t alone in that behavior.
If it makes you feel any better, I have a mask reflex that is hard to hide. When I am emotionally overwhelmed, I physically cannot express those emotions. I turn into a statue – I can’t move my facial features, respond to questions, move well… Seriously, I can’t. It’s pure disaster 😅
It happened a month ago in a resale store. My mum had to quietly redirect me into a corner and check me every few minutes.
It scares me because it’s such an out-of-body experience. And people talk about those experiences like they only happen to fictional people. But these things are real and so weird to experience.
I also understand keeping a barrier of normalcy between you and other people, and hiding emotions. We all have emotional baggage, and it’s understandable to try blending in and wearing strength even if you don’t feel it. I hope this makes you feel a little better ❤️
From what I’ve seen, I have traits that might be interpreted as autistic, but when explored, they are the results of something else. And I think this highlights the huge problems with mental disorder ‘culture.’ Sometimes the symptoms are the only things well known about a disorder, and people get diagnosed based on the symptoms rather than exploring the source.
I have synesthesia for example. Synesthesia is the result of neurological overflow in the brain, where multiple parts of the brain get stimulated by the same thing and muddle up their responses.
I’ve met people who think they might have synesthesia because they picture someone’s name as yellow. But it isn’t neurological; Lily’s name is only yellow by association or if they think about it long enough. They might associate her personality with a bright sunny day, or maybe yellow is her favorite color. For me, Lily is actually yellow. I can’t turn my imagination off. I don’t have any reason for the color other than my condition, and I’m never going to grow out of my color sight even if Lily decides to start liking purple. XDXD
People can be divergent for sooo many different reasons. You might be neurodivergent, but you might also be developmentally altered for some reason. I feel like it’s important to discern between autistic people (people who are clearly mentally different from birth), and autistic people (people who have those traits because they have been socially impaired or straight-jacketed into a mindset to cope with something).
I started wondering if I was autistic. My mum knows several autistic people, and said I wasn’t. When I asked why, she said “your mind works differently but not for autistic reasons.”
I confided in her about feeling socially inadequate, and how I always feel like I’m missing something in conversations… Why can’t I find the subtext? She said, “A definitely autistic person wouldn’t be asking that question. It’s okay for their brains to work that way. But they wouldn’t be digging for subtext in the first place.”
She then pointed out I probably still have social anxiety and disassociation issues. That’s the reason. 😂😂 I can think of a time when I was out of touch with other people. They avoided me, and I never figured out why. They would be friendly in a group, but ignore me everywhere else.. Ever since then, accepting conversations as ‘real’ is hard.
Anyway 😛 I think you know yourself best, Min.
I don’t know how much you’ve thought about tho. So I’m just gently prodding to see if… Idk, if you’ve considered all the factors? I just wanna make sure you realize how many reasons there can be for a divergent behavior. You have to nip the root of the problem.
If autism is the reason tho, I promise I don’t doubt you, and I’m praying ❤️
“Everything is a mountain”
Quick disclaimer: when my mom explained why she doesn’t think I have autism, she isn’t shutting out the fact that many autism-inclined people can empathize and understand subtext. Her point was that unless we’re going by the textbook definition of autism, there isn’t any clear indication that my problems stem from autism, and so I shouldn’t diagnose by symptoms only.
I don’t mean to offend anyone who is diagnosed XD There’s just a lot of gray area within autism symptoms.“Everything is a mountain”
Aww I’m sorry…That’s so sad you feel you have to hide.
I’m not trying to say that I know exactly how you feel, but I do understand the feeling of not being able to show anyone who you truly are, and feeling awkward in social situations.
I literally overthink everything, and I’m positive I have social anxiety because I panic in group settings for no reason other than being with people…like the walls close in and I just have the urge to run away and I just feel so uncomfortable! I always worry what others will think of me, and it’s really hard to deal with.
So yeah, I get it to some degree.
I’m praying for you! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thanks for your thoughts girl.
I went to the psychiatrist for stress, not autism, and it was one of his first thoughts for me lol. Probably partially because I was stressed by his crazy office because it ‘wasn’t like other doctors offices’. Idk what he caught on to.
I mean there’s different levels of autism and different levels of masking too. Maybe the autistic people your mom knows have a higher level of it or a different type, because it isn’t the same for everyone. My sister is diagnosed and she asks questions about why she different, and why she didn’t fit in.
Ack that sounds really unpleasant! I’ve only gotten close to like that once and it was with my mom and she totally didn’t understand what was happening, and I felt so guilty. I could talk but could barely stand to be in another human’s precense lol. It’s different from what you’re talking about but still kinda scary.
Yeah mental disorder ‘culture’ is kind of a odd thing, however, I think sometimes good comes with it. It makes it less scary, I guess. I remember getting really offended when one of my friends asked if I was autistic (Based on the fact I had a reading/learning disorder of some kind when I was young) and now, it’s not that scary and I wouldn’t be offended, because there’s more awareness.
Yeah that sounds kinda annoying. And I think everyone does have odd experiences sometimes, but they can have a hard time understanding that the level somebody else experiences it on is just totally different. There’s a big difference between depression and sadness, short term sickness and chronic illness, and many others. Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand that your version of their smaller problem actually impairs your life to a great extent.
I think you’re right that traits like autism can come from multiple places. I have chronic illness, mental health issues, and grew up with a strange family dynamic, so it’s safe to say it could be a muddle of things. I think that I turned out kinda funky because with just one of the issues, I could have managed better. But all three? 😭😂😂 are you kidding me? If I didn’t have health issues, I could have moved out sooner and been mentally better. If I didn’t have social issues I’d have friends to support me through that kind of change. And if my family was different, they’d accept my differences and support me through illness. Not to say they don’t try, my mom does a good job. But families aren’t just mom’s lol.
It could be other factors, and I think I’ll only ever really know what’s going on when I’m healed of the health and family issues, I’ll see what’s left. It could be a coping mechanism that just looks severely like autism, I suppose. My personality is suppressed because of my dad, and not knowing myself causes a lot of confusion as a result.
Thanks girl! I appreciate it so much <3
"Than finish it... Because I'm with you till the end of the line." <3
Thanks girl, and I’m sorry about that anxiety! Even if it’s not the same thing I’m experiencing, I know it’s hard to feel that way.
"Than finish it... Because I'm with you till the end of the line." <3
Of course 😊
And thanks 💗💗
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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