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  • #132553
    Anonymous
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 8156

      @gwyndalf-the-wise. @lightoverdarkness6. @mineralizedwritings. @godlyfantasy12. @esther-c. @loopylin. @anyone-else-I-am-momentarily-forgetting.

      Okay, y’all, I know I haven’t been on KP much the past 2 days, but today I’ve been getting a LOT of writing done, and I wanted some thoughts on what I have so far for this other book that’s a part of my WW2 trilogy/series…so this is gonna be a long post, lol. 😂

      I have 2 finished chapters and a bit of chapter 3 so far…and I wanted to share all of them to see what everyone thinks so far…and does everyone think it’s a good start to a book or no? 🙂

      Anywho…here it is!

      Chapter 1

      April 1944

      “The information Lieutenant Roberts has provided is both idiotic and unnecessary to our cause. He’s only spouting nonsense.”

      Adjusting the collar of his uniform jacket, Erich nodded in agreement. “Precisely, Kurt. Which is why we must interrogate him harder. The man can’t refuse to answer forever…we’ll make sure of it.” He looked at himself in the mirror.

      He looked fine. Better than fine, actually.

      He slicked down one last strand of flyway bright blonde hair and placed his cap back on top of his hair before turning around. He smirked. “Lieutenant Roberts can only be so rebellious and idiotic for so long, Kurt. Every man has his breaking point, and he is very near to his.”

      Kurt nodded. “Of course, Erich. Now, I suppose I should get to another interrogation.”

      “You should.” Erich replied with a smile at his fellow Lieutenant, before clicking his feet together, raising his right hand, and crying out a ‘Heil Hitler!’. Kurt returned the salute and made his way out of the room.

      Erich sank down into the armchair that sat behind his mahogany desk. The American pilot would break…and he would break very soon.

      He could only stand interrogations and torture for so long.

      The door opened, and Erich instinctively stood.

      If it was another guard that had entered without knocking…Erich’s thoughts were interrupted when his superior officer entered the room.

      Erich snapped another salute, to which his superior returned. His superior smiled. “Erich. I trust all of the interrogations with Lieutenant Roberts have gone well?”

      Erich slowly shook his head. “I’m afraid not, Hans, sir. The rebellious American refuses to give us any information. The information he does give us is completely and utterly useless to our cause.”

      Hans nodded, the skull and crossbones on his cap shining in the lamplight. “Well…then we will only have to interrogate him harder. Kurt is working on another prisoner right now, correct?”

      “Yessir.”

      Hans smiled. “Good. The American will break, Erich…we only need to wait. He can only stand torture for so long. Now, I have a duty for you.”

      “What do you need me to do, sir?”

      “I need you to go on patrol with Lieutenant Schind…there’s been rumors of a bit of rebellious activity in a certain area of the town.”

      Erich inwardly groaned. He had to be on patrol with Riker, the officer that was the same rank as Erich yet was too soft to even handle interrogations?

      “I trust you are fine with this duty, Braun…or do you need another duty to do?”

      Erich forced a smile and nodded. “Patrol work is fine, sir. I am ready to do whatever you want me to do.”

      Hans nodded and smirked, his smirk spreading slowly across his face, filled with an emotion Erich knew all too well. Pride.  “Good.”

      ~*~

      She’d been here for a few years now, having come back before America had entered the war…but she hated how much Germany had changed for the worse.

      And she still had no idea why God had called her back to this country.

      “Lord Jesus, why am I here?” Esther whispered, fingers wrapped around her white cross necklace, walking in the gutters beside the sidewalk as her parents had cautioned her to do.

      She saw signs everywhere, telling her where she could and couldn’t go, being a Jew.

      Not that she wore a star…she was an American citizen, after all…but still, if she entered a building she was not supposed to enter, there would be trouble.

      She had learned to steer clear of Wehrmacht soldiers, but she especially had learned to stay as far away as possible from officers and guards of the Schutzstaffel, more commonly known as the SS.

      “Lord…this place is in desperate need of you.” Esther whispered.

      And maybe that was why he had called her back.

      “Lord, I’m one young woman…what can I do alone?”

      A quiet voice came through into her thoughts, a quiet, soft voice that she knew very well. ‘But you’re not alone, are you?’

      Esther smiled and nodded. “Thank you for the reminder, Lord.”

      She heard voices and she raised her head.

      Two uniformed officers were standing, almost in the middle of the street, seeming as though they were surveying the area. She guessed they were SS, but she wouldn’t be able to completely tell unless she got closer.

      Others lowered their heads when they saw the officers. But knowing God was on her side, Esther was not afraid.

      She didn’t cower nor even lower her head, and kept going in the way she was heading, which meant walking past the officers.

      One of them turned…and his eyes met hers.

      Bright blue eyes…bright blonde hair that was coming out from underneath his cap…a small, thin scar right above his left eyebrow.

      It couldn’t be…could it? Was it her old childhood friend? Could it really be?

      “Erich?” She whispered before she could stop the name. And she didn’t truly want to stop it.

      He blinked a couple times…but slowly, he approached her. “Esther? You-you’re still here?”

      It was him.

      Esther smiled, feeling a couple tears threaten. To think she’d see her old childhood friend again! Lord, you are so good, she thought. “Oh Erich…it’s been so long.”

      “It has been. Five years now.” Erich replied, somewhat stiffly.

      Esther smiled softly…but then she studied his uniform. Almost completely black…with tall shiny jackboots…lightning bolt insignias on the collar…and a hat with a skull and crossbones.

      Her childhood friend was an officer of the SS.

      “…I see you’ve changed.”

      Erich nodded and smiled. “As have you, it seems. Where have you been, Esther?”

      “America.” She replied simply. “I only came to Germany to visit my parents…but then Pearl Harbor was attacked, and Germany declared war on America…and I’ve been stuck here ever since. But I’ve gotten to see you again, and I get to take care of my parents, so it is not all bad.” She smiled.

      Erich slowly nodded. “I see. That’s why you don’t wear a…marker.”

      He said it as though it was something to be detested.

      Esther’s smile slightly fell. “My parents both have to wear one…but I am not a German citizen anymore, so I do not. Are you doing well, Erich? What has changed for you?”

      Erich smirked. “Well, as you can see…I’ve become successful. Very successful.” He motioned to his uniform, and Esther nodded. “And I am also a husband and have a few months old baby boy.”

      Esther smiled brightly. Well, that was a good thing. “Oh, Erich, congratulations. I’m so happy for you. Your son must be adorable.”

      Erich smiled and nodded. “He is. And you, Esther? What has changed for you?”

      “Well…I am planning, once I get back home to America, to study to become a doctor.”

      Erich laughed. “You were always fond of anatomy. Anytime someone got injured on the playground you didn’t run away or scream like everyone else did.”

      Esther laughed, nodded, and smiled at the fond memories. She shook her head. “No…I ran to go see and always doctored it up the best I could.”

      Erich nodded and only then seemed to remember his companion, motioning to him. “Oh, Esther, this is a fellow officer of mine. Lieutenant Riker Schind. Riker, Esther Cohen, an old childhood friend of mine.”

      Esther smiled and held out one of her hands. “Nice to meet you, Riker.”

      The man smiled, removed his cap, and nodded, a long, thin scar on his left cheek giving his smile a small tilt. “Nice to meet you as well, Ma’am.” He shook her hand.

      Esther smiled. He had the manners of a gentleman.

      She pulled her hand away and nodded at Erich. “I should probably let you return to your duties…do you work close by?”

      Erich nodded. “Close enough. I suppose I’ll be seeing more of you?”

      Esther nodded. Smiled. “You will. Now, I need to do some shopping for Ima and Abba, but I will see you again soon, Erich.”

      Erich simply nodded. “’Till we meet again, Esther.”

      Esther smiled. “’Till we meet again.”

       

      Chapter 2

       Esther was back in Germany.

      His childhood friend was back in Germany.

      Erich clenched his fists in his lap, fighting back the other memories that threatened to surface.

      No, he wouldn’t let the memories ruin everything he had worked so hard for.

      He wouldn’t let the past get in his way of doing what he so needed and longed to do.

      He wouldn’t let anything, much less anyone, stand in his way.

      “You ain’t getting anything from me. It’s time for y’all to give up.”

      Erich glanced up, pulled back into the present by the American pilot’s words and Southern drawl.

      Erich shrugged, standing up from where he was sitting at the lone table in the small interrogation room. “If you want to continue being difficult, be my guest, but it will only make your time here all that much more uncomfortable, Lieutenant Roberts.”

      “I’ll never betray my nation.”

      Erich sighed, clasping his hands behind his back. “That’s the thing…Lieutenant Ezra Roberts, you keep refusing to answer, and, well, we’ll find harsher and harsher ways to get you to talk.”

      Ezra scoffed, still standing at attention in front of Erich. “I’m not afraid of pain. I’d sooner die before I’d betray America.”

      “Stubborn, are you? We know how to deal with that, Roberts. We know how to deal with that very well. You won’t betray your nation by giving us a bit of information on the plans and airfields, Roberts…and you’ll save yourself from a lot more pain.”

      “What would you know about betraying anyone? Y’all have already betrayed the nation you may have once cared about by being a part of the Nazi-“

      Erich interrupted him by slapping him, hard. “You know absolutely nothing about what we’re doing. We are fighting to make a better Germany, stupid American-“

      “Name-calling won’t get you anywhere, I’m afraid.”

      Erich stared at Ezra for a long minute.

      Who did he think he was, calling Erich out on something!?

      Who did he think he was to tell Erich what to do!?

      “Do I need to remind you who’s in charge here, Roberts!?”

      “It’s not you, I know that. You’re just the one who just obeys all of the orders he’s given, no matter how horrible they are. You claim you’re fighting for a better Germany, a better tomorrow, but you’re only fighting because there’s something you’re trying to prove.”

      Erich laughed. “Prove? I’m an officer in Germany’s most elite force. I’ve already proved myself.”

      Ezra shrugged. “All of us always fight to prove ourselves even when there’s nothing more to prove. But what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to prove that you’re better than someone else?”

      Erich gripped Ezra’s arm and shoved him against the cold concrete wall. “You know absolutely nothing about me or what I’m doing here, Ezra, so shut it.”

      Erich’s blue eyes met Ezra’s dark brown. Ezra slowly shook his head, a small frown on his face. “…This job won’t fill the emptiness inside of you, you know.”

      The door to the interrogation room opened, and Erich let go of Ezra and turned to face it, anger still threating to boil over. “How many times have I told everyone to knock before coming in here while I’m interrogating!?”

      Riker paused in the doorway, glancing between Erich and Ezra. “Hans says he needs you for something.”

      Erich cleared his throat and straightened to his full six feet. Oh, well, if Hans needed him…then Erich would do as he wanted.

      But still, that didn’t mean Erich was okay with someone not knocking before entering.

      “Heinrich!” He called, calling for the guard who had been standing outside the door.

      The guard stepped inside, quickly giving a ‘Heil Hitler!’, to which Erich returned. “I need you to take Lieutenant Roberts here back to his cell.”

      Heinrich nodded and moved to grab Ezra. Ezra didn’t fight him, but his gaze drifted between Erich and Riker. Heinrich led him out of the room.

      Erich turned to face Riker again, who had stepped inside the room to be out of Heinrich’s way. “Now, as for you, Riker.”

      One of Riker’s eyebrows raised, and Erich grabbed his forearm and shoved him back against the wall as he had with Ezra.

      Truth be told, though Erich didn’t like to admit it, Riker could probably take him. As much as the man was soft, he did have muscles on him.

      But Riker didn’t fight back.

      Erich smirked. As he had figured…nothing but a softie and a coward.

      “How many times have I reminded you to knock before coming into the interrogation room when I’m interrogating, hmm?”

      Riker’s dark blue eyes met Erich’s bright blue. Riker swallowed. “Many.”

      Erich slowly nodded. He did wish he could look down at Riker, but both men were the exact same height at six feet tall. Too bad Erich wasn’t taller. “Exactly. Knock next time, Riker, understood?”

      Riker nodded. “Understood.”

      Erich smiled and let go of his same-rank officer, giving him one pat on the shoulder. “Good. Now, did Hans say what he needed me for?”

      Riker slowly shook his head. “He…he didn’t say.”

      Erich shrugged, straightening his uniform and cap as he walked over to the door. He slicked back the blonde strand of hair that always seemed to fall on his forehead. “Alright then, I suppose I’ll find out.”

      He turned and glanced over at Riker, who was still beside the wall. “Are you coming, Riker?”

      Riker nodded and began walking over. “Yes, I’m coming…”

      Erich smirked. “Straighten your uniform then, Riker…at least make yourself presentable.”

      Riker silently obeyed, and Erich nodded in approval. “Good. Now come on, let’s go.”

      ~*~

      “This dinner is absolutely delicious, Esther, dear, absolutely delicious.”

      Esther smiled at Elizabeth, her Ima. “Thank you, Ima, the food is, well, scarce in the stores, but I found what I could.”

      “Our daughter certainly is a creative one, Elizabeth.”

      Elizabeth smiled. “That she is, Elisha.”

      Esther smiled at her parents. “I learned from the best, Ima and Abba.”

      Elisha laughed, swallowing another bite of food. “You’re certainly more creative than both of us, Esther.”

      Elizabeth looked around the room. “And you’re taking care of this place beautifully.”

      Esther just nodded. She knew to not be prideful, but it was okay to feel a bit of accomplishment in her work. “I’m just so thankful Frau Adelmann let me stay here while I’m here in Germany…”

      Elizabeth smiled and nodded. “She’s an old friend of mine, and she was very happy and willing to let you stay here. She lives in another home with her kids right now. Poor woman, losing her husband to pneumonia all those years ago.”

      Esther slowly nodded. “I pray for her and her family every day. And Ima, Abba, you’ll never guess who I saw again today…”

      Elisha raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

      “Who did you see, Esther?” Elizabeth asked quietly.

      “I saw Erich.”

      Both Elizabeth and Elisha’s eyes widened. Elisha blinked. “You saw Erich…?”

      “What was he doing, dear? Was he alright?”

      Esther’s gaze fell.

      She hadn’t ever imagined her friend to run so far.

      “Well…he’s…an officer in the SS now. He’s married though, and says he has a little boy at home.”

      Elisha slowly nodded. “The SS? Esther, does he know about his family?”

      Esther slowly shook her head. “I don’t think so…you know what happened…I doubt he’s talked to any of them since.”

      Elizabeth bit her lip. “But his family are Messianic now, same as we are. And his family never stopped loving him…but if Erich’s in the SS…”

      “What all does the SS do, Ima?” Esther asked softly.

      She knew that everyone feared the SS more than any other organization in Nazi Germany…but she still didn’t quite understand everything.

      Elizabeth wiped her mouth and set her napkin down. “Well, dear, we don’t know…everything. But there are…rumors of camps where people are sent to work and even be killed…most of the people sent there are Jews…and, well, the SS runs it. The SS makes people disappear in the middle of the night.”

      “But the rumors, Ima, are they true?”

      Elisha shrugged, squeezing Elizabeth’s hand. “We don’t know, Esther…but with what happened…”

      Esther slowly nodded. “Erich is probably angry. I know he was when I talked to him that last day…five years ago…which seems so long ago now.”

      She hated to think about it, but maybe her childhood friend was out for vengeance.

      “I want to be able to talk to him more again…and maybe…maybe this is why God has called me back to Germany…”

      Elisha and Elizabeth both nodded.

      Elizabeth smiled and squeezed Esther’s hand from across the table. “Maybe God has many people he needs you to talk to here in Germany, dear…many people.”

       

      Chapter 3

      He kicked his legs, unable to sit still.

      Joseph, his father, grabbed his legs and held them down. “Erich, stop moving.” He whispered, hissed, even.

      Erich sank in his seat in a pout. Why did he have to sit so still all the time!? He wanted to have fun! He wanted to have adventure!

      He glanced up at the balcony where his best friend Esther sat with the other women and girls, and his bright blue eyes met her dark brown.

      Erich crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue.

      Esther’s laugh carried across the synagogue.

      He sat up with a start, breath heavy.

      Erich rubbed the sleep from his eyes, letting out a low groan. Sunlight streamed through the thin curtains, filling the small apartment bedroom.

      His wife, Ellie, slept beside him, breathing softly.

      No.

      He wasn’t going to let memories and his past stop him from doing anything.

      #132556
      Esther
      @esther-c
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 3572

        @freedomwriter76

        That was a great start to a book!! I really enjoyed it! Definitely intrigued!

        Just a few nit-picky things though.

        I noticed that Erich addressed his superior by his first name. (Or last. I’m not sure) Is he allowed to do that? Obviously, I don’t know, but you would, since you’ve researched. I was just wondering.

        Secondly, I felt like you brought up Erich’s past really fast. Not that that’s a bad thing though. I just feel like you could slow it down a bit. But again, you’re the author, and I don’t know what you have planned for the rest of the book.

        The last thing I noticed was this piece of writing:

        Esther just nodded. She knew to not be prideful, but it was okay to feel a bit of accomplishment in her work. “I’m just so thankful Frau Adelmann let me stay here while I’m here in Germany…”

        Elizabeth smiled and nodded. “She’s an old friend of mine, and she was very happy and willing to let you stay here. She lives in another home with her kids right now. Poor woman, losing her husband to pneumonia all those years ago.”

        So, in my opinion, I think that Esther would already know that. It seems sort of out of place for you to have her mother sort of explain it. I’m not entirely sure how you could change it, but make it more natural. In a real life setting, I don’t think that someone would straight up explain the backstory. You could maybe have it to where Esther says what she says, and Elizabeth mentions something about herself praying for Frau Adelmann since her husband died, and Esther could say she is as well.

        Anywho,

        Great job!! You do great on descriptions of people’s actions and the dialogue feels so natural. Keep it up! 😄

        Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

        #132558
        Keilah H.
        @keilah-h
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 5168

          @freedomwriter76 Nice!! I agree with @esther-c, especially considering that I’m not good with historical fiction. But I like the idea! I’d make the chapters just a little longer though.

          "When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers

          #132562
          MineralizedWritings
          @mineralizedwritings
            • Rank: Chosen One
            • Total Posts: 3036

            @freedomwriter76

            Ok so, LOVE IT!!! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

            He had to be on patrol with Riker, the officer that was the same rank as Erich yet was too soft to even handle interrogations?

            We all know sweet Riker, and to me this felt like the kind of introduction he might get to people who already are vaguely familiar with him. idk if you get what I’m saying, it’s an entirely new character being mentioned and I think he should get a little more. This is just an example, obviously you could wright your charries much better than me.

            Riker (last name I cant remember).

            Same rank, joined (how many years ago)…

            Erich scoffs inwardly at the memory.

            … and too weak to handle interrogations.

            Ok so that was scuffed but you get the point. It’s a bit longer and you can tell he’s significant to Erich.

            I really liked it, and super interested to know how this connects to the (my adopted at this point) bois! XD

             

             

             

            "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

            #132570
            Anonymous
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 8156

              @esther-c.

              That was a great start to a book!! I really enjoyed it! Definitely intrigued!

              Thank you!!! 😊💖

              I noticed that Erich addressed his superior by his first name. (Or last. I’m not sure) Is he allowed to do that? Obviously, I don’t know, but you would, since you’ve researched. I was just wondering.

              Yes, it is his first name. And in most situations, no, it is not really acceptable, but Hans allows Erich to do it, whereas he won’t let Riker call him by his first name in almost all circumstances.

              I think it being acceptable is more based off of the officer than the exact rules, if you understand what I mean. 😅

              Secondly, I felt like you brought up Erich’s past really fast. Not that that’s a bad thing though. I just feel like you could slow it down a bit. But again, you’re the author, and I don’t know what you have planned for the rest of the book.

              Yeahhhh…I understand what you mean. I’m kind of trying to start explaining things about Erich, but I do see what you mean.

              He just seems so unlikeable these first few chapters, tbh…I love him, but I know where his story is going to end up, so…y’know…it’s easier for me to like him. 😂 I’m trying to figure out ways to make him likeable and make everyone begin to wonder things about him, y’know? (though I could cut off the memory before it mentions where Erich is at or something…that may be an idea…😏🤔)

              So, in my opinion, I think that Esther would already know that. It seems sort of out of place for you to have her mother sort of explain it. I’m not entirely sure how you could change it, but make it more natural. In a real life setting, I don’t think that someone would straight up explain the backstory. You could maybe have it to where Esther says what she says, and Elizabeth mentions something about herself praying for Frau Adelmann since her husband died, and Esther could say she is as well.

              Yeah, I can see what you mean!!! Tbh, I always share my chapters and scenes before I do basically any editing, so y’all get to see all of the stuff before it’s edited at all. 😂😂😂

              Great job!! You do great on descriptions of people’s actions and the dialogue feels so natural. Keep it up! 😄

              Aww, thanks girl!!! You’re so sweet!!! 💖💖💖


              @keilah-h
              .

              Nice!! I agree with @esther-c, especially considering that I’m not good with historical fiction. But I like the idea! I’d make the chapters just a little longer though.

              Thank you!!! 💖💖💖 Yeah…I do struggle with writing chapters, but it’s actually longer, since everything is actually longer…all of what I shared is actually 19 pages in the document, lol. 😂


              @mineralizedwritings
              .

              Ok so, LOVE IT!!! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

              Aww, girl, thank you so much!!! 💖💖💖💖

              We all know sweet Riker, and to me this felt like the kind of introduction he might get to people who already are vaguely familiar with him. idk if you get what I’m saying, it’s an entirely new character being mentioned and I think he should get a little more. This is just an example, obviously you could wright your charries much better than me.

              I understand what you mean!!! 🙂 I mean, the purpose is for this book to be after my book with Riker/Leon, but people may read them out of order, so I can see what you mean! 😉

              Riker (last name I cant remember).

              Same rank, joined (how many years ago)…

              Erich scoffs inwardly at the memory.

              … and too weak to handle interrogations.

              Ok so that was scuffed but you get the point. It’s a bit longer and you can tell he’s significant to Erich.

              I see what you mean! Thanks! 😁😊💖

              I really liked it, and super interested to know how this connects to the (my adopted at this point) bois! XD

              Thanks!!! 💖💖💖

              Haha, they’re your adopted bois now!? 😂😂😂😂

              #132571
              Anonymous
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 8156

                @mineralizedwritings. Btw, Riker’s last name is Schind (pronounced like Schindler, but without the -ler sound)

                Like when Hans said to Erich:

                “I need you to go on patrol with Lieutenant Schind…there’s been rumors of a bit of rebellious activity in a certain area of the town.”

                But…yeah…that’s his last name. 😂😂😂

                #132573
                MineralizedWritings
                @mineralizedwritings
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 3036

                  @freedomwriter76

                  Oh ok that makes since. I didn’t know if it was a second book or like a parallel plot-line book.

                  Yw!

                  Oh yeah, I’ve adopted them now. 🥰🤣

                  Or at least Reuben.

                  "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

                  #132576
                  MineralizedWritings
                  @mineralizedwritings
                    • Rank: Chosen One
                    • Total Posts: 3036

                    @freedomwriter76

                    That’s what I thought XD I didn’t want to get it wrong, or spend way to long searching the writing for when you mentioned it lol

                    "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

                    #132580
                    Keilah H.
                    @keilah-h
                      • Rank: Chosen One
                      • Total Posts: 5168

                      @freedomwriter76 Oh, ok then!

                      "When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers

                      #132612
                      Esther
                      @esther-c
                        • Rank: Chosen One
                        • Total Posts: 3572

                        @freedomwriter76

                        Yes, it is his first name. And in most situations, no, it is not really acceptable, but Hans allows Erich to do it, whereas he won’t let Riker call him by his first name in almost all circumstances.

                        I think it being acceptable is more based off of the officer than the exact rules, if you understand what I mean. 😅

                        Ok, that makes sense! 🙂

                        Yeahhhh…I understand what you mean. I’m kind of trying to start explaining things about Erich, but I do see what you mean.

                        He just seems so unlikeable these first few chapters, tbh…I love him, but I know where his story is going to end up, so…y’know…it’s easier for me to like him. 😂 I’m trying to figure out ways to make him likeable and make everyone begin to wonder things about him, y’know? (though I could cut off the memory before it mentions where Erich is at or something…that may be an idea…😏🤔)

                        I get that. Maybe you could just throw in snippets of his thoughts about himself. I think I’ve seen you do that with Riker. I can’t really think of a specific example, but in the flow of dialogue, you could maybe throw in what Erich’s first reaction was to someone’s words. Or, when you do introduce his struggle near the beginning of the book, you keep the thoughts short and make them a longer as the story progresses, when the readers become more connected.

                        Yeah, I can see what you mean!!! Tbh, I always share my chapters and scenes before I do basically any editing, so y’all get to see all of the stuff before it’s edited at all. 😂😂😂

                        Totally understand! 😀 😅 I’ve been doing the same thing with my first draft. Those reading it get to see the worst stuff before it’s ironed out. XD

                        Aww, thanks girl!!! You’re so sweet!!! 💖💖💖

                        Of course!! You’re so welcome!!! <3

                         

                         

                        Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

                        #132626
                        Light
                        @lightoverdarkness6
                          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                          • Total Posts: 1647

                          @freedomwriter76

                          Ahh I LOVE it!!! Girl, it’s so good!!

                          Everyone’s already critiqued, and I don’t have anything to critique, so I’m just here to say Great job! 😀 I can’t wait to read more of it. Oh sweet, precious Riker!!!

                          And Erich…you better be kind to that sweetheart!!

                          Just one question: Who is Esther? I thought that she was Eva for a little bit, and now I’m confused 😅.

                          #HugRikerSquad

                          #132629
                          GodlyFantasy12
                          @godlyfantasy12
                            • Rank: Chosen One
                            • Total Posts: 6647

                            @freedomwriter76 ahh love it! Man get him Ezra!!!

                            ALSO YALL!!! I am now home from the conference (tho we do have a fundraiser this next week so yea) but anyway it was a lot of fun

                            #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
                            #ProtectMarcel
                            #ProtectSeb

                            #132638
                            Gwyndalf the Wise
                            @gwyndalf-the-wise
                              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                              • Total Posts: 404

                              @freedomwriter76

                              Sorry for not responding until now!

                              I really love this. My only couple of suggestions would be:

                              – Slow down on Erich’s past. It’s not bad to show it, it just seems a bit rushed. We need to get to know who Erich is now to be able to understand how much he’s rejected his past, but also so we understand the conflict he has when his past is brought up.

                              – I kinda feel like silence would be a better response for Ezra for most of the questions, cause it seems like interrogators typically try to twist the victim’s words to get a reaction/information, or they try to convince them that it would be better for them and people they care about if they just gave the information over. I understand you want that conversation to happen, and feel free to do that (any suggestions I make are purely suggestions, don’t feel like you have to incorporate them into your story). It just seems like some of the questions would be better answered with silence. But you know your characters better than I do, maybe Ezra wouldn’t react like that.

                              I really love how you show Esther’s relationship with the Lord, by the way.


                              @godlyfantasy12

                              What conference??? I must’ve missed something, have no idea what you’re talking about XD

                              "...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
                              (Part of) Isaiah 45:19

                              #132641
                              GodlyFantasy12
                              @godlyfantasy12
                                • Rank: Chosen One
                                • Total Posts: 6647

                                @gwyndalf-the-wise ah I’ve been at a conference the past two-three days so haven’t been able to be on here much.

                                #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
                                #ProtectMarcel
                                #ProtectSeb

                                #132643
                                whaley
                                @whalekeeper
                                  • Rank: Chosen One
                                  • Total Posts: 3625

                                  Hey guys! Watcha talking about? *Awkward smile*

                                  I’m bad at joining conversations…


                                  @godlyfantasy12
                                  Yay, you’re back! We’ve really been enjoying the sleepover role play, btw, great idea XD

                                  #ProtectAdolinKholin

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