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Heres the answers to your questions!
1. Is it boring??- Nope! I love the characters and how you describe the little things like the table, the trees the overall feel of the room.
2. Is Sef relatable?- Yes! As I’m reading, theres parts that pop out to me like ‘Oh I act just like that, I know how that feels.’ Like when Sefs heart begins to race when Neveah is about to tell her.
3. Was there anywhere that you were confused?- This is the first chapter right? You explain things like “Pitt” and “Godede Waters, in the country of Rippak.” Later in the book?
4. Did I info-dump anywhere?- No, I feel like when you describe things, they seem so close to real life that its not considered info-dumping.
5. Likes/dislikes- I dont dislike anything, I think its a good chapter.
Hope that helps, I’m not 100% sure if I do a good job at critiquing 🙂
"Would you kindly...?"
AHHH!!! I’m so happy for you!!!! Congratulations!!! 🎉 🎉🎉🎉😆😆😆
*lights a random fireworks from last year*
INTP.
Oh my goodness!!!!! I am so happy for you, and so proud of you! I am so lucky to get to know you as a friend on here, and I’m celebrating right with you, girl!! You have to let me know how editing/publishing goes!!!
Well, Pitts are explained later in the book, same with Rippak and Godede Waters. I didn’t want to explain everything right now because I’ve tried in the past and it was kind of info-dumping. Also I wanted to make it seem natural and then reveal it later, if that makes sense. And thank you so much for encouraging me!!! It means so much to me that you like my writing, so thank you!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <3331. Is it boring?? I’ve been really scared that this doesn’t draw you in and isn’t interesting.
Nope! Super intriguing!
2. Is Sef relatable? Can you really feel her and does she become real in your mind?
Very relatable!
3. Was there anywhere that you were confused?
At the end. I don’t think pregnancy is enough to make somebody have that many issues unless she was also sick, and the buildup made me think her sickness was going to tie into the greater story in a larger way. It was the first chapter I’ve ever read from this story to be fair, but I was under the impression Sef thought she was badly diseased, and I felt a little fooled when I learned she was just pregnant. XD not sure if that helps you at all.
4. Did I info-dump anywhere?
nope nope nope!
5. Likes/dislikes
Love your descriptions, I mean LOVE! I felt like I was there, and I knew how Sef felt. Most descriptions bore me, but yours were awesome.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@esther-c Wow! I really like it so far! It pulls you in really well, and I like the cliffhanger type chapter endings. I’ll try to answer the questions!
1. Were you drawn into the story right away?
Yep!
2. What are your first impressions of these characters? (Specifically the MCs. I know some of y’all already know these charries, but just pretend this is the first time you’re meeting them. XD)
Ev is obviously pretty reckless. He doesn’t seem to care about getting into danger, and I’m not really sure to describe his personality but he seems playful?
And Ami is sweet and responsible. She really cares about Ev and wants to protect him.
3. Are there any habits or things that keep showing up in my prose that slow the story down in any way?
Not really that I noticed!
4. What’s your opinion on the pacing? (This might be a hard question to answer since it’s only two chapters, but if you have some thoughts on it, I’d love to hear them)
Hmm… The only really thing I can think of that it seems a little unrealistic that the rebels would ask Ev to join them so soon before the assassination. Maybe a time jump would be better there, but it’s up to you.
5. What was your least favorite part about these two chapters?
Um, maybe the meeting with the rebels? I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to pick a least favorite part in such a short amount of time.
6. And your favorite part?
Probably when he gave Ami the locket, or when Ev and Ami were in the gazebo?
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
1. Is it boring?? I’ve been really scared that this doesn’t draw you in and isn’t interesting.
Nope!
2. Is Sef relatable? Can you really feel her and does she become real in your mind?
Yes, she’s definitely relatable!
3. Was there anywhere that you were confused?
Hmm, I don’t think so, since I’ve read most of to before, but I don’t think any of it would be very confusing to anyone who hadn’t!
4. Did I info-dump anywhere?
I don’t think so!
5. Likes/dislikes
I liked all the descriptions, but there was one comment about Sef’s mother not “getting rid of her'” that I didn’t really like. I mean, I guess it might happen in that world, so it’s just a personal preference, but I don’t really see how someone who chose to marry a human would then get rid of their Payne baby.
But anyway, it looks great so far!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
Oh my goodness, congratulations!! That’s so exciting!!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
1. Were you drawn into the story right away?
Yes, I think Ev’s immediate snarkiness and Ami’s responses just show what kind of book it’s going to be XD
2. What are your first impressions of these characters? (Specifically the MCs. I know some of y’all already know these charries, but just pretend this is the first time you’re meeting them. XD)
I love Ev and Ami
I do think Ami comes off just a little too perfect, I would just be interested in seeing more of her flaws
Ev on the other hand… I need more backstory for him, like why is he so quick to want to throw over the government, I get it this president is pretty bad but still…
that being said they’re both great characters and nothing really needs changing as long as you add more in the later chapters
3. Are there any habits or things that keep showing up in my prose that slow the story down in any way?
uhhh not that I’ve noticed
4. What’s your opinion on the pacing? (This might be a hard question to answer since it’s only two chapters, but if you have some thoughts on it, I’d love to hear them)
hmmm I do think some background would be nice, like knowing what it was like in the orb before all this happened, but in the same way, jumping into the action really grips people
so it’s kind of an either-way
5. What was your least favorite part about these two chapters?
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *Trying to think of what I don’t like*
nothings coming to me that wasn’t mentioned yet XD
6. And your favorite part?
Definitely, Ev, I love him!!
Do me a favor…. Tell Cress I meant it
-ThorneWow!!! That’s amazing! Congratulations!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳
A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund: Money for People.
Thank you so much Esther! I’ve been doubting my writing recently and really comparing myself to others, so it makes me happy you like it. I started writing in present tense as soon as I started writing, so after the initial hurdle (it was hard lol, I kept using said) it’s been pretty natural, because I don’t know how write any other way. Wait, it’s becoming more popular? XD I think I chose present tense in order to be different and stand out LOL
You’re so welcome!!
Ok, maybe not. Lol. I’ve just read a few books lately that are in present tense. XD It may be becoming more popular, but it’s a little slow. So I’m sure once you’re published, you’ll still stand out from most books. 😉
I was confused as to why the story had so much action before a exposition. It felt like information overload on many things, and I couldn’t tell what was important. Should, I think about the note on Ev’s desktop, the shadowed man, or the locket? Any of the three could have been the inciting incident, but it turned out to be the locket. I was a little too confused to be drawn in.
Ok, That makes sense. I’ve written like five different ways to start the book, and I’ve be playing with all of them to see how they feel. These two may end up as chapters 2 and 3, or 3 and 4. This is good to know though, because I’m so familiar with the start of the book/the inciting incident, that I don’t put as much emphasis on it as it probably should have.
Ev loves Ami and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her, however he has trouble truly respecting her and can be dismissive at times. His opinions are more important than hers, and therefore he barely validates her concerns. He knows how to show care in his actions towards her, but lacks emotional maturity to care for her heart with his words. The relationship is unhealthy, but Ami is submissive and used to Ev’s behavior, so she doesn’t seriously address it.
Huh, I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but I think that’s the aspect of their relationship that I play off of in the second book to create more conflict. Man, I am going to be pondering over this all day. XD
Ev comes off as controlling and unpleasant, as well as arrogant. Like, young Tony Stark vibes.
Lol, yes I can totally see him being like Tony Stark. XD
Ami is along for the ride, and not much else until she’s given the locket.
Oh yeah, true. I might start off the book with a chapter in her POV. Just so readers have a chance to put on their seat belt before they hang with Ev for a little bit. XD
I got hung up on a couple of sentences that were lacking commas, and some sounded awkward. Maybe try reading your writing aloud? Idk, I think it’s a thing that solves itself with time. I do think your prose has improved since I last read it!
Ah, yeah. I probably should have read through it a littler more carefully before I posted it. 🫣😂
Aww, thanks so much!! I’m so glad to hear that!!
I think their are too many problems too fast without enough exposition. I don’t know who these people are, how they live, and what they look like, and the first problem is already introduced, the post it note. If you could stretch it out a bit to give the reader more info, I think that would help. 🙂
Ok, yeah I think that goes back to my idea of putting a chapter or two before these ones. I think the pacing is what I was worried about most for these, and I wanted o make sure I wasn’t the only one noticing.
Ev’s behavior towards Ami
Yep, I get that.
Your descriptions have improved so much! I had a mental image of where they were each time, which is super cool. I love it when books describe the weather like yours!!
Ahhh!!! This means so much!!! Description is something I struggle with a lot, so I’ve been really trying to focus on that and learn from how my favorite authors write description. Oh my goodness, this makes me smile so much. XDD
Btw, I don’t mean to discourage you at all! I try my best to give a honest answer when people ask about their writing, but I know it stings a little sometimes, and I hope you don’t take it wrong 🙂
Oh no, you didn’t at all!! I really needed some honest feedback, and that’s what I got! I actually was so excited when I saw the email come in that you replied, lol. I just couldn’t get to it right away. XD
Thank you so much!!!
Girl I love Ami and Ev!!! I love Ev’s personality, I wish I had a friend like him XD
Aww, thank you so muchhh!! I know, I love writing them so much. I feel like the more I write Ev, the snarkier he gets. And that can be a good or bad thing. 😂
I kind of agree with Min, it seemed really abrupt, and I was a little confused at first. But the action also made me want to see what happened next, so it drew me in, but only because I was confused and wanted to understand more of what was happening XD
Oh yeah, totally understand. Like I told Min, the more I think about it, the more I might change these chapters to either 2 and 3 or 3 and 4 just to slow it down a bit.
Ev really cares about Ami (kind of like a brother-sister relationship with a little flirting, lol) and wants her to stay safe, but doesn’t understand that she can’t stay put because she feels like she needs to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. Ev also is kind of reckless and doesn’t understand the risks very well. Ami is really sweet and cares about Ev. I guess I got more of an impression on Ev than Ami? Idk.
Yep, that’s partially what I was going for! And yeah, Ev seems to leave more of an impression than Ami. My original first chapter was from Ami’s POV, and that’s when you really get to see who she is, so that might be good to keep at the start.
I really agree 100% with what Min said.
Ok, awesome. 👍
It was overall kind of confusing XD
Yeahhh, I need to fix that. XD
I JUST LOVE Ev and Ami!! The way that she was asking if the alleys weren’t suitable and he was like “of course not. If they were, we’d be there” was just PERFECT and I love it!!!
Aww, thanks!! They might just be my favorite character duo. 😉
And I’ll be sure to give you some feedback on the chapter you posted later today!!
If it feels like I’m copying Esther with these questions…well, I kind of am XD I thought it was really neat how she gave specific questions and thought it was a great idea XD
Hehe
It works really well, I have to admit. XDD
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I may answer all your questions later, but for now, I am drawn into the story.
Alrighty, awesome! 👍
I see potential for this story to be better if you had at least one chapter before this that introduced us to daily life with the Orb. It would drawn me in more, and make us care about Ev and Ami more than just plopping them and the plot in our laps off the bat. Just some thoughts.
Ok, I think that’s what the others have been saying. I’ll probably end up doing that. 😉
Thank you!!
WhAt?!?! Oh my goodness I’m so happy for you!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! *confettiiiii* 🥳🎉👏
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you and your writing!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@acancello GIRLLLLLLL I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!
🩷🩷🥳🥳🎉🎉🎊🎊🩷🩷
That is SUCH AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!
I can’t WAIT to see what God has in store for you!!✨✨
*confetti cannons go off*
@esther-c @savannah_grace2009 @mineralizedwritings I’ll try to get to reading y’all’s scenes, chapters, etc. soon. It’s been a little busy, haha!
@rae @grcr @smiley @anyone-else-hahaI think I may have posted this before, but I’d like to see everyone’s thoughts (if y’all wanna read! Don’t feel obligated if you don’t want to!) on the first chapter of Broken Shackles, Leon/Riker’s 2nd Novel.
And here’s some basic questions:
(and pls keep in mind that it will be established that this is a SEQUEL and thus for much of the info someone will have to read Freedom’s Fire first, heh)
- Does it seem boring?
- How is the pace?
- Can you already begin to see the MC’s struggles/arcs?
- Is Leon’s love for his kids evident?
- What can you gather about Leon/Riker from this 1st chapter?
- Least Favorite Part of the Chapter?
- Favorite part of the chapter?
And here it is!!!
Sunlight beat down. Light bounced off of silver skull and crossbones and glistened off flecks of sweat.
He shivered, feeling cold even in the sunlight.
Boots pounded against the dirt like drums, kicking up dust.
Two guards donned in exquisite black and silver Schutzstaffel uniforms marched in between two vastly different columns.
One of smirking, silently jeering guards and officers, many giddy at the thought of a “traitor” being caught.
The other column was one of trembling prisoners who stood barely alive, terrified in knowing what punishment in the camp was like.
Corralled in between the two marching guards was Fin. He gave a smile as he passed, a smile devoid of fear.
Fin was marched up to Hans and a waiting pit.
His heart…it beat so hard that he heard it in his head.
Fin spoke, but he didn’t hear him.
Hans gave a sudden nod, and Fin’s wrists were roped together; a blindfold covered his eyes.
Blood from Fin’s wrists dripped onto the ground, staining the dust a bright red.
Hot tears coursed down his cheeks as he watched Fin.
He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t see.
A quick breeze blew by, and his eyes shot open. Cold metal danced before his eyes, and a loaded barrel made his mind focus.
He was the one that was meant to die.
Riker awoke with a start, sweat perspiring from every inch of his aching body.
He threw off the bed covers and sat up.
He rubbed his eyes to make the memory tainted by a nightmare disappear.
It wasn’t real…it wasn’t true. Riker was alive…he was…he was alive.
He was alive…he was alive when…when he should have died.
Riker groaned and covered his face with his hands.
Moonlight streamed through the slightly open window of his childhood bedroom, dimly illuminating his trembling and bruised form.
It wasn’t real. It wasn’t. Riker just had to keep reminding himself of that.
The end though…it was true. Fin had been innocent, yet he was killed.
Riker was guilty, oh so guilty, and yet he survived.
Riker really was the one that was meant to die.
Riker slowly sank back down, settling in a lying position. Tears burned his eyes; his body continued to tremble, sending shivers up and down his spine that pierced his bruised body.
Sleep would refuse him. He knew it would.
The nightmare flashed before his eyes, mingling with the images of lives he had taken.
The people he’d killed…they deserved nothing that they had received.
Innocent lives were taken, and no one was held responsible.
Blood stained his hands…innocent blood.
No one could wipe his hands clean.
Nothing could bring back all of the people that had died by his hands.
Tears chilled his warm cheeks.
His eyes closed.
Riker slipped back into darkness.
~*~
The light of early morning danced behind him. Dust crept out from beneath his new boots, threatening to make him cough.
After two months of treatment, Leon had finally been permitted to leave the camp. He was grateful to the American medics that treated him, and he had promised to reunite with Isaiah, Yosef, and their family soon.
But first, his kids.
Leon walked down the dirt path leading up to a small, white, pristine farmhouse, admiring the scenery around him.
The sun still shone, birds still chirped, crops still grew, and flowers still bloomed as if war never came.
A man bent over a water spigot in the front yard looked up, blue eyes instantly filling with distrust.
Leon rose the best smile he could muster and a hand in greeting. “Hello. I-I’m Leon…Leon Wagner. Is this…is this the Müller home?”
“It is,” the man walked towards Leon, “but who are you?”
“I’m Isabel, Albert, and Elias’ father. Ezekiel told me that my kids were living here, and I wanted to come get them-“
“You’re the father? You are Mr. Wagner? Eliza, come quick!”
“I’m coming, Otto, I’m-who is he?”
Leon rose his head to meet the blue eyes of a young woman carrying a basket of eggs.
“It’s the father, Eliza, it’s Leon Wagner.”
Eliza gasped and quickly set down the basket; she ran to Leon and took his hands in her own, tears in her eyes. “Oh, how we have prayed for your safe return! I can see it…Albert looks just like you, the sweet child. Oh, how I and Otto have prayed that you would come to get your kids soon!”
Leon swallowed hard. How long would it take until he got used to kindness again?
“H-have my kids been happy?”
“We have done our best to keep them so,” Otto laid a hand on his wife’s arm, “and it has been a joy to see them thrive here.”
“Isabel will be overjoyed to see you…she has not forgotten you, of that I am certain.”
Leon almost choked on a sob. “She-she hasn’t?”
“Oh, dear, no. She still wants you more than she wants us. We’ve tried to help her understand, but she is just a child, and she wanted her Daddy and her Mommy. Oh, how happy she will be!”
Isabel remembered him. Leon only hoped that she would recognize him.
“Mr. Wagner, forgive me for being blunt, but may I ask you a question?”
Leon faced Otto and nodded. “O-of course.”
“…Why is your wife not with you?”
Greif slammed Leon in the chest, sucking the breath out of his lungs. Leon took in a deep breath and spoke even though his voice cracked. “Heaven.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss…”
But Otto didn’t know the half of it. A burning anger at those responsible for Aadelheide’s death coursed through his veins.
Leon’s fists clenched at his sides. God…Riker…Leon hated them both.
A creak of wood echoed in Leon’s ears; he turned.
Doll in hand, curls bouncing with a faint breeze, Isabel stood on the edge of the porch; her bright blue eyes so much like her mother’s suddenly filled with childlike innocence and confusion.
Leon’s heart softened just at the sight of his precious daughter, and tears coursed down his cheeks in droves. “I-Isabel? It’s me…it’s Daddy.”
The doll slipped from Isabel’s hands. Doll discarded, Isabel ran.
Leon fell to his knees on the dirt; he enveloped his daughter into his arms. His tears mixed with hers.
“Isabel, oh, my sweet Isabel.”
He covered her head and cheeks with kisses; he rocked her in his arms; he held her as close and as tight as he could.
Albert and Elias were brought to him, and Leon rocked all three of his precious gifts, vowing that he would never let anyone make him let go again.
Yep!
Awesome!
Ev is obviously pretty reckless. He doesn’t seem to care about getting into danger, and I’m not really sure to describe his personality but he seems playful?
And Ami is sweet and responsible. She really cares about Ev and wants to protect him.
I think you just nailed them both in a few sentences. XD That’s exactly what I was going for!
Not really that I noticed!
Coolio!
Hmm… The only really thing I can think of that it seems a little unrealistic that the rebels would ask Ev to join them so soon before the assassination. Maybe a time jump would be better there, but it’s up to you.
Oh ok, I can see that. Yeah, I think the trouble I would have would be that Ami’s not the type to keep things from her parents, so she’d end up telling them and I don’t know if they’d be too keen on even letting her just wait for him. I’ve tried it that way before… and, idk. I’ll definitely think about it though! 🙂
Um, maybe the meeting with the rebels? I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to pick a least favorite part in such a short amount of time.
Yeah, I get that. 😉
Probably when he gave Ami the locket, or when Ev and Ami were in the gazebo?
Oki! Awesomeee!
Yes, I think Ev’s immediate snarkiness and Ami’s responses just show what kind of book it’s going to be XD
Hehehe 👀
I love Ev and Ami
I do think Ami comes off just a little too perfect, I would just be interested in seeing more of her flaws
Yay!!
Yeah, I can see how it looks like that. I picked some pretty difficult character arcs to write for both of them, so I’ll have to work on that. 😉
Ev on the other hand… I need more backstory for him, like why is he so quick to want to throw over the government, I get it this president is pretty bad but still…
that being said they’re both great characters and nothing really needs changing as long as you add more in the later chapters
Oh yeah, that’s true… I’ll work on that.
Ok!
hmmm I do think some background would be nice, like knowing what it was like in the orb before all this happened, but in the same way, jumping into the action really grips people
so it’s kind of an either-way
Yeah, I’ve definitely been on the fence on how slow or fast the beginning should be. I’ve heard multiple opinions on how a story should start and honestly at this point, I think it’s all up to the writer as long as it’s good writing. 🤷🏻♀️
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *Trying to think of what I don’t like*
nothings coming to me that wasn’t mentioned yet XD
Ok! 😅
Definitely, Ev, I love him!!
Yes, me toooo, lol. He’s too much fun to write sometimes. XDD
Thank you so much for the helpful feedback!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Alrighty! Here we go!
1. Is it boring?? I’ve been really scared that this doesn’t draw you in and isn’t interesting.
Um, I wouldn’t say it’s boring. I think the pacing is pretty good. Honestly, boring is so subjective, so no, it’s not boring. Because I don’t mind things moving a little slower at the beginning. Some people make such a big deal of hooking your reader on the first page, and yes, that’s important, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it, and I don’t think there are tons of readers out there who will put down the book after the first page if it bores them. Ya know? The only warning I would give is to be careful with other events that aren’t the inciting incident. (This is sort of what Min was telling me about my chapters.) I know this is only one chapter, but it looks like Neveah being pregnant is the inciting incident. Then again, this is only the first chapter and I’m not sure what the other chapters look like. That’s just what I think. Take this with a grain of salt, because writing the beginning of books has been a struggle for me and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I don’t want my advice to be like the blind leading the blind. 😉
2. Is Sef relatable? Can you really feel her and does she become real in your mind?
Yes! She felt real to me. I think seeing how she felt about her situation helped me get a feel for who she is right away.
3. Was there anywhere that you were confused?
Umm… I don’t think so!
4. Did I info-dump anywhere?
Umm… I don’t think so…? Well, sort of. There was a lot of information and backstory in the first chapter. So I would say to tone that down a bit so you don’t overwhelm the reader right away. The more you write the story, the more the backstory will trickle in. And you can hint at it in the first chapter if you want without giving it all away. I did notice a little bit of telling. Like, you would show, then follow it up with a sentence of telling. I don’t know if that makes sense. Here’s an example:
The oatmeal in the pot began to bubble, and Sef knew it would only be a few moments before breakfast was ready. She stirred the pot in a clockwise motion, so the oatmeal would not scorch.
She had done this thousands of times.From the sound of the oatmeal, Sef could deduce whether or not it was ready to eat. [I don’t think you need this sentence, because the sentences before and after let us know that she’s familiar with doing this].And another example…
“Alright,” Sef tilted her head to the side, taking a bowl in each hand and carefully walking to the table, eyes fixed on her precious cargo so as not to spill even a drop.
They couldn’t afford to waste anything.[from the backstory you’ve already given us, we know that they aren’t exactly the richest people. And the sentence before hints at it.]Just a couple examples. There were a few more. So I’d just be aware of that.
Ok… I think I just over-answered your question. XD
5. Likes/dislikes
Hmm… I didn’t exactly mind all the backstory, but I would have liked it better if there was less of it or hints at the full backstory, if you know what I mean. But I really like your descriptions! They were vivid enough, but not so vivid that it didn’t give readers a chance to fill in the blanks. So great job! I really enjoyed reading it!! 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@freedomwriter76
Hmmm…
Ok, you said that this is a sequel, and I don’t think I’ve read anything from the first… so my opinions may not be the greatest because I don’t know what the characters have exactly gone through…
Anyhow…
– Does it seem boring?
Nooo…. I don’t think so at all.
– How is the pace?
Ehh…. I’m not exactly sure. This is only the first chapter, right? I don’t know… 😅
– Can you already begin to see the MC’s struggles/arcs?
I don’t know about the arcs… but I think I can see their struggles.
– Is Leon’s love for his kids evident?
Yeah, I can tell he loves them.
– What can you gather about Leon/Riker from this 1st chapter?
Leon is a father who was separated from his family, and has gone through a whole bunch. He he hates those who have hurt him. (I can’t tell if he’s seeking revenge or not, but saying he “hated” Riker leads me to believe so…??)
Riker was suppose to die, but someone took the place for him (right?). His life is miserable because he is haunted by terrible past actions (or at least he’s miserable rn).
– Least Favorite Part of the Chapter?
Ehh…. probably the beginning. Like, everything that was italicized (the memory/dream, I guess…). If you don’t mind my saying, I couldn’t really get what was going on until someone was shot…
– Favorite part of the chapter?
Hah… to be exact, this was my favorite part:
A creak of wood echoed in Leon’s ears; he turned.
Doll in hand, curls bouncing with a faint breeze, Isabel stood on the edge of the porch; her bright blue eyes so much like her mother’s suddenly filled with childlike innocence and confusion.
Leon’s heart softened just at the sight of his precious daughter, and tears coursed down his cheeks in droves. “I-Isabel? It’s me…it’s Daddy.”
The doll slipped from Isabel’s hands. Doll discarded, Isabel ran.
Leon fell to his knees on the dirt; he enveloped his daughter into his arms. His tears mixed with hers.
“Isabel, oh, my sweet Isabel.”
He covered her head and cheeks with kisses; he rocked her in his arms; he held her as close and as tight as he could.
Albert and Elias were brought to him, and Leon rocked all three of his precious gifts, vowing that he would never let anyone make him let go again.
I find it very sweet, especially when Isabel drops the doll and runs to her father. It reminds me of a scene from a movie, and I can see it: dramatic music, he drops to his knees and pulls her to himself, tears falling everywhere, no one stops the moment. I just love it. 💛
(heh heh… sorry, thats the animator/movie-director in me lol)
Yeah… so, anyway… keep up the good work!! I’d love to read more!! 😄
INTP.
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