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@freedomwriter76
I just read your chapter above… ERICH!! He may be another one of my favorites…
Ahh, well, you’ll come up with something😊
I did! Luckily I remembered that we have melt and pour soap and other craft supplies.
Yep, sure is! I’ve had these characters and stuff for a while (and several of the characters also appeared in Freedom’s Fire), haha, but it’s fun to finally write their book now ✨
Thats great! I love when different books have the same characters from another book!
You’re writing the epilogue!? GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOUUUUUUUU
that is such an accomplishment; you should be proud of yourself for getting this far!!! ✨✨✨THANK YOU!!! Im soooooooooo excited!! Today should be the last day😭 😃 🫣 😂 Super excited to see how this next year will unfold, I hope to publish it in 2024…
It’s going
s l o wOoh, I understand… But thats great that its finished! Do you have any tips on editing? Did you just go over it over and over again? Did you have your family help you? I will be starting that process sooner than later. 😅
"Would you kindly...?"
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@mineralizedwritings @smiley @esther-c @keilah-h @loopylin (Ty for pointing that out lol; I knew that but didn’t think about it when writing XD also, Erich/Fin are also in Leon/Riker’s finished book😜)
Thank y’all for all the sweet words!! 🩷🩷
and Miley, I may check it out. we’ll see, haha.
and yes, Erich is a very fun POV to write 😂😂
Thank you so much Esther! I’ve been doubting my writing recently and really comparing myself to others, so it makes me happy you like it. I started writing in present tense as soon as I started writing, so after the initial hurdle (it was hard lol, I kept using said) it’s been pretty natural, because I don’t know how write any other way. Wait, it’s becoming more popular? XD I think I chose present tense in order to be different and stand out LOL
I’ll take a look at the chapters if I get a chance! Busy with family stuff a bit
Thank you! Yeah, it’s a mix of different things, just not her kinda group lol.
@freedomwriter76
💛💛💛
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Wait, what’s this about you writing your epilogue?! Did you finish something big?
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
I may answer all your questions later, but for now, I am drawn into the story.
BUT
I see potential for this story to be better if you had at least one chapter before this that introduced us to daily life with the Orb. It would drawn me in more, and make us care about Ev and Ami more than just plopping them and the plot in our laps off the bat. Just some thoughts.
"You need French Toast."
YES!😭 I’m finishing my big novel up right now!!! Its 85k words unedited so I’m feeling pretty good about the length.
"Would you kindly...?"
Woah!! I’m so proud of you!! Good luck on your edits! 💖💖🎉🎉
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
OH MY GOSH GIRLLLLLLL!!!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT WHEN I READ THAT YOU’RE FINISHING THE EPILOGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!! <333
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Thanks for giving specific question, it really helps!
Answering as if I’ve never heard your writing before XD
1. Were you drawn into the story right away?
I was confused as to why the story had so much action before a exposition. It felt like information overload on many things, and I couldn’t tell what was important. Should, I think about the note on Ev’s desktop, the shadowed man, or the locket? Any of the three could have been the inciting incident, but it turned out to be the locket. I was a little too confused to be drawn in.
2. What are your first impressions of these characters? (Specifically the MCs. I know some of y’all already know these charries, but just pretend this is the first time you’re meeting them. XD)
Hmm… a couple of first impressions…
Ev loves Ami and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her, however he has trouble truly respecting her and can be dismissive at times. His opinions are more important than hers, and therefore he barely validates her concerns. He knows how to show care in his actions towards her, but lacks emotional maturity to care for her heart with his words. The relationship is unhealthy, but Ami is submissive and used to Ev’s behavior, so she doesn’t seriously address it.
Ev comes off as controlling and unpleasant, as well as arrogant. Like, young Tony Stark vibes.
Ami is along for the ride, and not much else until she’s given the locket.
3. Are there any habits or things that keep showing up in my prose that slow the story down in any way?
I got hung up on a couple of sentences that were lacking commas, and some sounded awkward. Maybe try reading your writing aloud? Idk, I think it’s a thing that solves itself with time. I do think your prose has improved since I last read it!
4. What’s your opinion on the pacing? (This might be a hard question to answer since it’s only two chapters, but if you have some thoughts on it, I’d love to hear them)
I think their are too many problems too fast without enough exposition. I don’t know who these people are, how they live, and what they look like, and the first problem is already introduced, the post it note. If you could stretch it out a bit to give the reader more info, I think that would help. 🙂
5. What was your least favorite part about these two chapters?
Ev’s behavior towards Ami
6. And your favorite part?
Your descriptions have improved so much! I had a mental image of where they were each time, which is super cool. I love it when books describe the weather like yours!!
Btw, I don’t mean to discourage you at all! I try my best to give a honest answer when people ask about their writing, but I know it stings a little sometimes, and I hope you don’t take it wrong 🙂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Girl I love Ami and Ev!!! I love Ev’s personality, I wish I had a friend like him XD
1. Were you drawn into the story right away?
I kind of agree with Min, it seemed really abrupt, and I was a little confused at first. But the action also made me want to see what happened next, so it drew me in, but only because I was confused and wanted to understand more of what was happening XD
2. What are your first impressions of these characters? (Specifically the MCs. I know some of y’all already know these charries, but just pretend this is the first time you’re meeting them. XD)
Ev really cares about Ami (kind of like a brother-sister relationship with a little flirting, lol) and wants her to stay safe, but doesn’t understand that she can’t stay put because she feels like she needs to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. Ev also is kind of reckless and doesn’t understand the risks very well. Ami is really sweet and cares about Ev. I guess I got more of an impression on Ev than Ami? Idk.
3. Are there any habits or things that keep showing up in my prose that slow the story down in any way?
I’m not really sure…XD
4. What’s your opinion on the pacing? (This might be a hard question to answer since it’s only two chapters, but if you have some thoughts on it, I’d love to hear them)
I think their are too many problems too fast without enough exposition. I don’t know who these people are, how they live, and what they look like, and the first problem is already introduced, the post it note. If you could stretch it out a bit to give the reader more info, I think that would help. 🙂
I really agree 100% with what Min said.
5. What was your least favorite part about these two chapters?
It was overall kind of confusing XD
6. And your favorite part?
I JUST LOVE Ev and Ami!! The way that she was asking if the alleys weren’t suitable and he was like “of course not. If they were, we’d be there” was just PERFECT and I love it!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I would be such an emotional wreck 😭😭😭 LIKE FINISHING A NOVEL!!! THAT IS SO AMAZING!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@freedomwriter76 @mineralizedwritings @smiley @esther-c @rae @hybridlore @keilah-h @lightoverdarkness6 @whalekeeper @acancello @mineralizedwritings @vinagirl
Okay, I really have been working on this chapter a bunch, and I would like to know you’re guys’ thoughts! I know some of you guys have read this chapter, but I was wondering if you had any critiques.
Here are some questions I’d like you to answer…
1. Is it boring?? I’ve been really scared that this doesn’t draw you in and isn’t interesting.
2. Is Sef relatable? Can you really feel her and does she become real in your mind?
3. Was there anywhere that you were confused?
4. Did I info-dump anywhere?
5. Likes/dislikes
If it feels like I’m copying Esther with these questions…well, I kind of am XD I thought it was really neat how she gave specific questions and thought it was a great idea XD
New Beginnings
Newborn light sifted through the windowpanes, piercing the darkness.
Through the smudged glass, Sef could just begin make out the vibrant colors of the Andromedan sunrise-warm orange, deep purple, and the darkest of blue; she could see the indigo trees dancing as the wind pushed them to and fro. It was a sight to behold, every color blending together in perfect harmony, painted by the Great One Himself.
The morning was beautiful, and it called Sef to join its frolicking.
And oh, how she wanted to. She longed to dash outside and shed the confines of the small house she called home, and she wanted to run, she wanted to feel the cool morning dew under her feet, she wanted to fly over the fresh green grass, she wanted to run and run and never stop.
But she could not.
The frigid air nipped the tip of her nose, and her bed was so warm…it seemed absurd to even consider throwing off the covers and greeting the icy halls of her home. Oh, Great One, give me strength, she smiled wryly and in one motion, she threw off her blankets and leapt out of her bed before she could change her mind. The cold met her bare skin and filled her lungs, forcing a gasp from her shivering body. Sef stood there, fighting the strong temptation to crawl back into bed. Breakfast could wait a half hour longer, couldn’t it?
However, Sef knew better. Before she could entertain the thought a second longer, she slipped out of her room. Wrapping her arms around herself, shivering, she tiptoed down the hall to her mother’s room. Easing the door open a crack, she pressed her eye to the small opening and strained to see through the dim lighting.
As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw that Neveah was still asleep. Her verdant skin had visibly faded in pigment, giving her the appearance of a faint green shadow against the stark white of the well-used cotton pillows. Her green hair was tangled and covered the pillow like a blanket of its own, and she had the covers pulled up to her chin.
As far as Sef was concerned, her mother was the most beautiful Pitt in Andromeda. Sef always thought it was so unfair that her mother had to live in Wrallethom Heights, the poorest district in all of Lir, when if fate had chosen her differently, she would be living in Penokweop Square with the richest and most upstanding of her race. Just because she had married a human, just because others saw her as defiled, shouldn’t mean that Neveah should have to take the punishment for what Sef was—a disgusting Payne, a half-breed. She should have done away with Sef while she had the chance, saved her reputation, but Sef was glad she hadn’t.
Surprisingly enough, they were happy in Wrallethom Heights. At least for a time, when Sef still had her father. Though he was but a human, that didn’t matter in Wrallethom. And so they were happy. Until her father was gone, and Neveah fell ill.
Though her mother’s face displayed childlike innocence and peacefulness, Sef was not fooled. If anyone were to look closer, they would have seen the faint wrinkles etched into Neveah’s forehead, the droplets of sweat adorning her brow. They would have seen her emerald skin, mottled and feverish, and the movement beneath her lids as her eyes flicked around beneath.
Sef quietly pulled the door closed, frowning, worry striking a searing flame in the pit of her stomach.
For weeks now, Neveah had been too tired to get out of bed until the late hours of the morning, complaining of migraines and an upset stomach. Sef thought that was strange, considering that Neveah always awoke before sunrise, when all of Andromeda was still under the cover of darkness.
And then there was her mother’s eyes. Sef had always loved her mahnith’s eyes. They glittered like the dew on blades of grass in the spring, they sparkled and shimmered. But now they always seemed tired and sad, even when she was smiling. Her voice always sounded tired, weak, even. How Sef missed her mother’s smile.
Now Neveah would lay in bed in a dark room for most of the day, asking Sef to read to her from their small collection of old books held together with duck tape, asking Sef to sing to her.
The task of housekeeping weighed heavily upon Sef’s shoulders; cleaning the house, sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, even cooking the meals-all these were part of her life now. Of course, Sef didn’t mind at all helping her mother, as she had always done. But whenever she drew the broom across the floor, it reminded her of her mother’s absence, of the fact that Neveah was not well enough to even perform a task such as this.
And what bothered her the most was that Neveah continued to claim that all was well. That she was not sick, that she was “fit as a fiddle”. Sef knew it was something the humans said, though she couldn’t imagine why. Humans said the strangest things. She remembered her father playing a musical instrument called a fiddle, but she couldn’t understand what a fiddle had to do with being healthy.
All this not only made Sef worry more, but a faint trace of anger burned in her heart as well. Did her mother really think that by withholding the truth, that Sef would worry less? Neveah was all Sef had. Sef had no father, no relatives, and no siblings. If her mother was sick, or going to die, Sef deserved to know; no, she needed to know.
Sef went to the cupboards, and removed a large pot, sucking in air between her teeth as the stack of metal pots and pans shifted, making a hair raising clattering sound. She screwed up her face in annoyance. No matter how hard she tried to be silent, her touch was always too hard-or soft, her movements all at the wrong time. Trying to steady the pots, she finally resigned herself to the fact that she was never going to get them to stack perfectly, and she went to the sink and filled the pot, internally groaning at the loud noise the running water made. She tried to adjust the flow, but that only made the noise louder. She could only hope that her mother would not be disturbed.
She reached for the sack of oats in the corner that was sitting upon the chipping counter.
They would have a breakfast of oatmeal this morning, same as always. Sef would have grown tired of it, but there was nothing else to eat, and she was grateful they had food. They were among the fortunate. Sef knew some Paynes struggled to have even one bite of food every day, and Sef and Neveah had at least a bit of oatmeal for all their meals. That thought made every bite of oatmeal taste much better.
The only thing that would make it perfect, Sef knew, would be fresh milk, but if she thought they could afford milk, she was sorely mistaken. Between Neveah’s few agates she earned from her work at the factory and Sef’s work at the sorting bins, they barely had enough to make ends meet, and Sef wasn’t going to risk stealing. Even so, the ends always seemed to fall short. The “ends” were fraying, slowly, and Sef wasn’t sure how long they could last like this.
But she wouldn’t let herself be concerned with such things. Not with her mother sick. She had enough on her mind. She tried to put it all in the Great One’s hands, but it was hard to believe that He cared about the Paynes when it seemed no one else did. However, every time she would talk to Him about her struggles, she would feel a sense of relief. It became a habit, so that she could not even remember what it was like before her father had told her about the Great One.
The oatmeal in the pot began to bubble, and Sef knew it would only be a few moments before breakfast was ready. She stirred the pot in a clockwise motion, so the oatmeal would not scorch. She had done this thousands of times. From the sound of the oatmeal, Sef could deduce whether or not it was ready to eat.
Finally, the oatmeal came to a rolling boil and Sef knew it was ready. Hurrying over to the cupboard and removing a bowl for herself and for Neveah, she carefully ladled the piping hot oatmeal equally.
“Good morning, Sef,” Sef nearly jumped out of her skin as her mother’s voice spoke from behind her. Sef whirled around in surprise. Neveah smiled, and gripped the edge of the counter to steady herself. Sef tried not to notice.
“What are you doing up?” Sef asked. “I was going to bring your breakfast to you, like normal.” She couldn’t shake the feeling of surprise. It was the earliest Neveah had been awake since her father left.
Neveah shook her head. “I thought I’d eat breakfast with you today, my love.”
“Alright,” Sef tilted her head to the side, taking a bowl in each hand and carefully walking to the table, eyes fixed on her precious cargo so as not to spill even a drop. They couldn’t afford to waste anything. Finally, Sef sat down across from Neveah at the wooden table, and slid Neveah’s bowl across the table to her.
The table was rough, splintery, and had clearly seen better days, but Sef was just grateful they didn’t have to eat on the ground. They were fortunate compared to some.
The table always held a special place in Sef’s mind. It reminded her of her father, who had been gone for two months. He had said that he was going to find a better job, perhaps he would be able to earn more money to support his wife and child across the Godede Waters, in the country of Rippak. He promised to be back in two weeks time, but he had never returned.
And the table reminded her of him, for he had carved his signature into the tabletop. Your father was good with his hands, Neveah would say, and her eyes would get that faraway look, as if looking into an imaginary sunset, He could mold the wood like clay, he could sing the wood into whatever he desired. He could have been a Pitt.
Sef knew it was true, because she still remembered watching her father carve the bowls they now ate from out of an old log. As he carved, he always sang a beautiful melody that stirred something inside Sef’s chest every time she heard it.
It was a pity she’d never hear it again.
Sef used to run her fingers across the carving, carefully tracing every looping letter as if doing so would bring him back across the ocean from all those miles away.
Of course it never did.
How she missed those laughing eyes of his, the way his cheeks would dimple when he smiled, how she missed the feeling of his strong arms around her as he spun her round. The memories stabbed her heart like a dagger. She tore her gaze from the table, trying to forget…but how could she forget the person who meant so much to her and her mother?
Neveah smiled and stretched her thin arms across the table. Sef smiled back and slipped her hands in her mothers’. They both bowed their heads and closed their eyes.
“Father,” Neveah began, “Thank you for blessing us with this meal. Please grant us peace, and when we sin in secret, let that be brought to the light. We love you, O Great One.”
“Honor and glory forever,” Sef finished the prayer.
“Honor and glory forever,” Neveah murmured.
They began to eat in silence. And Sef enjoyed every moment of it. It had been weeks since Neveah had felt well enough to get up this early, it had too long since they had shared a meal together.
Too long.
How she had missed her mother. It was like she had been hungry for her mother’s presence so long she didn’t realize how hungry she was until she tasted food.
“You didn’t have to get up, you know,” Sef kept her eyes on the rough surface of the table. “You could have rested a while.”
“Sef,” Neveah put her hand over Sef’s, and made Sef look at her. “I’m not an invalid. You don’t have to treat me like one.”
“I’m sorry,” Sef mumbled.
“Don’t apologize,” her mother lifted her chin. “I wanted to thank you for helping me around the house.”
“You’re welcome,” Sef looked back at the table.
“No,” Neveah said sternly, gently cupping her chin. “Look at me.” Sef obeyed, looking into Neveah’s piercing green eyes again. “I am not sick. Don’t worry about me.” And she smiled again. This time, Sef noticed, this time the smile looked real. Still, though, Neveah’s eyes seemed cloudy, tired.
“But-” Sef protested.
“Do you trust me?” Neveah said. Sef nodded. “I have something to tell you.” Sef’s stomach knotted. “But I have to know-can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret to protect me, to protect the ones you love?”
“I swear it,” Sef breathed. Her mind was racing, desperately trying to find what the secret could possibly be.
“Do you promise?” Neveah said. Sef nodded. Neveah sighed, and her face caught the light, giving her a look of rapture. “I am not sick…but you are right when you think that I have been different.” she paused and looked at Sef, and this time her smile was one of pure joy.
Gone was the sickly appearance, the weak look in her eyes, not once did her voice waver. “I have been tired, yes. Because I am going to have a child.” She laughed, and the music filled the whole room. “You, Sef, are going to be an older sister.”
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@esther-c @freedomwriter76 @mineralizedwritings @savannah_grace2009 @grcr @highscribeofaetherium @jonas @whalekeeper @euodia-vision @hybridlore @loopylin @trailblazer @rae @janellebelovedpig @felicity @karissa-chmil @landric @booksbyjayna @everyone!
I DID IT!! I’M DONE WITH THE ROUGH DRAFT OF MY FIRST NOVEL!!!!!!!Oh my gosh this is so exciting, I’m literally tearing up.😭 💗 😭 💗 🎉 🎉
But I just want to give a HUGE THANK YOU to EVERYONE on Kingdom Pen for helping me through the entire progress of writing. You guys have helped me beyond belief. I don’t think I would have ever got this far on my own. Even though I haven’t posted to much of my work, having you guys helping me with my characters and plotting, doing RPs, chatting about everything, praying, all your support and encouragement.. that has helped more than ever!💗💗💗💗💗💗
And everyone. Despite how some days you feel like your book is terrible, or how you don’t think you can be a writer remember that YOU CAN DO IT! NEVER GIVE UP! If I can do it, you can to!
You guys are the best, I cant say thank you enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!🥰
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
"Would you kindly...?"
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