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I’d love some help if you guys have any tips or advice to contribute 👆😊
@freedomwriter76 @smiley @hybridlore @whalekeeper @highscribeofaetherium @euodia-vision @savannah_grace2009 @grcr @lightoverdarkness6 @mineralizedwritings @keilah-h @rae @thearcaneaxiom @anyone-else!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Oof, those are hard questions. For the first one, I get what you mean. I think for the first chapter, an introduction is fine. Personally, I would try to focus on the relationship between Ami and Ev, and his family conflict, because I think that will hook the reader.
And then, themes are also really hard. Could you describe yours a little more and I could try to come up with some feedback?
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
What’s the first paragraph of your book?
You’re being a little to ambiguous. I can’t answer your questions until I can glean more data.
Sorry I couldn’t really help. 🙁
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Ugh, sorry you’re going through that! That’s hard!
Could you maybe post some segments of it so I can see more of what you mean?
All I can say is that maybe you’re focusing a little too much on all the potential problems. (I’m speaking from experience) Sometimes you need a little break, or maybe you’re overthinking it. If its boring to you, maybe you know the story too well, because you wrote it and know exactly what happens. Sometimes our biggest criticism comes from ourselves. I often struggle with this. ( Like, I’ll read something I wrote and I hate it, because I think its terrible, but then my friend will read it and say that it’s like a published novel.)
Also, from what I’ve read about plots and what I’ve learned (which isn’t much, lol), the first chapter isn’t supposed to have a TON of action. It’s supposed to set the scene, establish the characters, etc, so its okay if it’s not the most exciting part of your book. (I know some books jump you right into the action, but at least from what I’ve read, normally the first chapter isn’t as action packed as the rest of the book)
Maybe all of my “advice” helps you with nothing, so sorry if that’s the case, lol. I think I’d be able to help a lot more if I could somehow read it?
Hopefully this helps?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I don’t want to make a whole other topic for this, so I’m posting my question(s) here. XD
lol XD
It is hard to say much without knowing much of your book, but I do agree with what Sara said as far as openings…
I guess it depends on the reader, but personally, I like books that paint some of the picture in the first (and even second) chapter… even if it seems kinda dull/slow at first. I don’t often throw out a book because it’s a slow-starting one.
So yeah… sorry, I guess I didn’t/couldn’t help much…
Flaz: *yawns* Did the sun just come up? In the west?
Oof, those are hard questions. For the first one, I get what you mean. I think for the first chapter, an introduction is fine. Personally, I would try to focus on the relationship between Ami and Ev, and his family conflict, because I think that will hook the reader.
Yes, definitely. XDXD
Ok, yeah. I think I already have a few ideas to tweak the first chapter or two a bit, so I’ll keep that in mind. 🙂
And then, themes are also really hard. Could you describe yours a little more and I could try to come up with some feedback?
Oh yeah, so… I’m trying to make both Ev and Ami’s arcs somehow weave into the theme, but I’m struggling a bit. The theme is trusting God in the dark, which is basically the theme for the whole trilogy. But each book tackles a different aspect of that. I think the first book will trusting God when it seems He’s not there. (Which is actually kind of like the third book now that I think about it…. 😐 It’s k. They’re actually very different in my head. XD) So throughout the first book, Ami is battling worry and anxiety. By the end, she hasn’t overcome it, but she knows how to combat it. Ev on the other hand, his arc has nothing to do with the theme, so I think I’m going to change it. The more I write him, the more I find out that he won’t be struggling with self-confidence/self-worth, cuz that’s just not who he is. His biggest struggle is going to be his pride, which takes different forms over the course of the trilogy.
I’m not sure if that made any sense at all or if that’s just me ranting. 😅😂
I think Ev’s is going to be the easiest because he struggles with something I’ve struggled with before, and he’s not a Christian to begin with. So it’s not like he’ll just open up his Bible and purposely go looking for answers in there. Idk. For Ami, I know that it’s not easy for people in real life to overcome their anxiety and worry. So that’s where I’m stuck.
I hope that answers your question…? 😅 lol (yeah, not sure if any of that made sense. You know, because of the time change and all, it feels later than it is. XDXD)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
What’s the first paragraph of your book?
So, the first paragraph doesn’t have much info in it since it’s only a few lines, but I’ll share the original first chapter so you can see what I’m talking about. (Hopefully. XD) In a day or two, I’m hoping to have an alternate first chapter written, so I may share that just to see if y’all think that version is better than the first. Because in the first chapter (or two), I’m really aiming to show who my characters are, their internal conflict, and I also don’t want to info dump a bunch of background stuff.
You’re being a little to ambiguous. I can’t answer your questions until I can glean more data.
Yeah sorry. 😅
Sorry I couldn’t really help. 🙁
No you’re fine, I totally understand.
Here’s the original version of the first chapter 🙃 (which is most likely gonna change. We’ll see):
Amidala Nadir frowned. Something wasn’t quite right. She dipped her paintbrush in the pink paint and dabbed at the canvas. She smiled. Perfect. She placed her painting supplies to the side and admired the flowers.
Pink roses… her favorite. They reminded her of hope… and beauty… She peeked out the window and sighed. The sun was at its peak in the sky, shining down on the empty streets. Then it flickered. The artificial sky never really captured the true beauty of the real sky. Sure, she had never actually seen the real sky, but Ami believed that it was more beautiful than the fake sky created by The Orb.
For twenty years, The Orb had covered her country of Aletheia. Bayron Len had taken over the government and put The Orb in place. Nobody was allowed to escape it. People had tried and some succeeded, but they never came back. Len claimed that The Orb was keeping them safe, but nobody believed him.
He never hurt anybody, but his guards weren’t as merciful to those who tried to escape. Because of The Orb, Aletheia wasn’t able to trade over the border anymore. Slowly and at great cost, the people adjusted and learned to grow their own food and make their own supplies. But, The Orb kept closing in on Aletheia. Now, it was down to just a few cities, the District of Daemarrel.
With another sigh, Ami rose out of her seat, removed her apron, and went downstairs to clean her paintbrushes in the sink. As she turned on the water, her teenage brother Fynn rushed into the kitchen. He bumped into Ami and the colored water splashed onto her white blouse.
Fynn stopped and whipped around. “Sorry, Ami!” He called with a quick sheepish grin before rushing up the stairs. Ami sucked in a breath, then slowly let it out in order to avoid yelling at him. She relaxed and continued washing her brushes. The paint should come out of her blouse in the wash… hopefully…
As she dried her brushes with a paper towel, her eleven year old sister Skylar pounded down the stairs with a laughing Fynn on her heels. “Mom!” She cried. “Fynn took my bracelet!”
Adalynn came around the corner from the living room with her brow furrowed. “Fynn!” She scolded. “How many times have we told you not to pickpocket your siblings? Give her the bracelet back.”
Fynn had stopped laughing now, but a grin still played on his lips. “I know,” he mumbled. “Sorry, Sky,” he handed her the bracelet
Skylar snatched the bracelet and crossed her arms, whipping her head around. The ceiling lights made her hair look strawberry blonde. Her hair color always seemed to change between blond or red depending on the lighting. Adalynn sighed. “Skylar…” she reprimanded.
Sky humphed. “I forgive you.” She muttered. The two siblings both walked away in different directions. Adalynn shook her head and walked over to Ami. “You know,” she said to Ami, “those children would be much better behaved if they took after their mother.”
Ruben, Ami’s father, walked in. “I heard that,” he said with a wink. He pecked Adalynn’s cheek with a kiss. “It’s all right. They’ll become mature… someday.” He raised his eyebrows.
Ami laughed. “Yeah… like when they’re forty!” She gathered her brushes and headed for the stairway. When she reached her room, she carefully returned her paints and brushes to their proper places, making sure everything was in its rightful place.
The district school had been cut off because of The Orb, but she still kept up her studies due to her parents’ wishes. She seated herself on her bed and a knock sounded on her door. “Can I come in, Ami?”
“Sure,” Ami replied. Skylar walked into the room. “I need help with my math,” Sky said, tossing her math book on the bed. Ami brought the book over to her desk and grabbed a pencil from her pencil cup. Sky flipped to the page she was having trouble with.
Most didn’t enjoy or weren’t good at math, but Ami enjoyed any branch of mathematics. Ami explained how to solve the problem. It was like a lightbulb went on in Sky’s head. “I get it now!” She exclaimed. “Thanks so much!” She rushed out of the room as Ami smiled softly.
Ami shook her head at her little sister. She was wild. She heard a knock on the door downstairs and heard two people talk for a little bit. “Ami!” Adalynn called from below. “Everton’s here!”
Ami smiled and quickly went down the stairs. Everton was her best friend since forever. Ami ran to greet Ev as he took off his aviator sunglasses and put them in the pocket of his favorite brown leather jacket. He rarely went without it. On the mat, he wiped off his red, worn Converse sneakers, the shoes he wore all the time.
He ran a hand through his hair and greeted Ami, “Hey! I was bored, so I stopped by.”
Ami raised an eyebrow. “You… bored?”
He smiled. Ami grabbed the cookie jar from the pantry and offered it to him. “Want some?”
“Thanks,” he said, grabbing a couple of cookies. He took a bite and said, “Mrs. Nadir, I’ve never known anyone who can make sugar-free cookies as well as you can!”
Adalynn smiled. “I’m glad you like them,” she replied as she gracefully exited the room. Ev quickly finished off the last of his cookies. “So,” he asked. “What’s up with you?”
“Not much. I just finished another painting though. Wanna see it?”
“Sure!”
Ami ran up the stairs and grabbed her fresh painting. She proudly held it out in front of him. Ev raised his eyebrows. “I think that’s your best work yet!”
“Thanks! I think so too,” she gently placed it on the table.
Ev sighed. “I wish I was good at something like you.”
“You are! Plenty of things. You are definitely a problem-solver.”
“I can’t solve all problems.”
Ami sat by him and placed her hand on top of his. She knew he was talking about his home life. “It’ll be okay.”
He nodded. “Right.”
They were silent for a moment.
Ami sighed, breaking the silence. “So… what do you wanna do?”
Ev shrugged. “I dunno. I told you I was bored.”
Ami rolled her eyes at him as she stood up, walking around the kitchen. “Well… Destry will be home soon. Do you want to stay for dinner?”
“I probably shouldn’t,” Ev replied, rubbing the back of his neck. “I uh… have something to do in a little bit.”
Ami cocked her head. “Oh… okay…” She tried not to show her concern. What did he mean by that? With Ev it could mean anything…
She seated herself again. “Well… how’s life?”
“Fine, I guess… Asher brought Lukas and me fresh, hot doughnuts yesterday morning!” A grin grew on Ev’s face. “I couldn’t tell you the last time I had eaten one of those… it was absolutely divine.” Ev’s face held a look of rapture.
Ami raised an eyebrow. “It was that good?”
He nodded. She rolled her eyes again. “If you say so. Isn’t that just… too much sugar? I bet that how much Asher payed for it didn’t even amount to how good it tasted.”
Ev’s jaw dropped, pretending to be offended. He crossed his arms. “Fine then. Remind me never to buy you a doughnut again.”
“Again? You never have.”
With a twinkle in his eye, Ev produced a small carry-out box from his jacket pocket. Ami gasped. She grabbed the box and opened it, revealing a large glazed doughnut.
“Did Asher bring you an extra one?”
Ev shook his head, grinning. “I bought it.”
Ami raised her eyebrows. She learned closer to Ev and lowered her voice. “How much did this cost?”
He shrugged. “Nine dreks…”
“Nine dreks! Ev, you didn’t have to I—”
He held up a hand. “Ah, ah, ah! I already did. Eat it and be grateful.” He flashed her a smile.
Ami chuckled. “Thank you,” she said quietly. She daintily picked it up and took a small bite. As the sugar dissolved in her mouth, she sank into her chair in satisfaction. “This is divine…”
“Told you,” Ev said. “Do you regret what you said earlier?”
“Maybe just a little… Nine dreks might be a bit too much for this…”
“Naw,” Ev said, waving his hand through the air. “It was worth it to see you enjoy it.”
Ami melted under the gaze of his chocolate brown eyes. She smiled softly and took another bite, hoping that he didn’t see her blush. As she finished off the last of it, she licked the last bit of sugar off her fingers.
“Remember when things didn’t cost so much?” She asked wistfully.
Ev nodded. “Yep… I never knew a time when I craved sugar so much…”
Ami smacked him playfully in the shoulder. “You know, there are more important things than sugar that are hard to get.”
“I suppose that gasoline, eggs, and meat are just a little more important.”
Ami sighed. “Thanks again for the doughnut. I really appreciated that.”
Ev grinned. “Anytime.”
Ami raised her eyebrows. “Anytime?”
Ev blinked. “Er… not anytime. Only when I have enough money for it.” He smiled sheepishly.
“That’s what I thought,” Ami said, standing up. “So, not to kick you out or anything, but you probably need to go home now. Des will be here any minute and then we’ll be eating dinner.”
Ev nodded, standing up and walking out the door. “Right. I’ll see you later, Ami.”
“See ya, Ev,” Ami replied softly, gently shutting the door behind him. From the window, she watched him walk home and whispered a prayer for her life-long friend.
And then after this, there’s a chapter from Ev’s POV because I’m writing the books from a dual POV.
Maybe my first problem in this first chapter is just info dumping. 🤷🏻♀️ I might be overthinking it. 😣😂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Ugh, sorry you’re going through that! That’s hard!
Yeah, thanks. XD My NaNo WIP feels so much easier because it’s so new, lol.
Could you maybe post some segments of it so I can see more of what you mean?
I posted the first chapter in the post above this one.
All I can say is that maybe you’re focusing a little too much on all the potential problems. (I’m speaking from experience) Sometimes you need a little break, or maybe you’re overthinking it. If its boring to you, maybe you know the story too well, because you wrote it and know exactly what happens. Sometimes our biggest criticism comes from ourselves. I often struggle with this. ( Like, I’ll read something I wrote and I hate it, because I think its terrible, but then my friend will read it and say that it’s like a published novel.)
Okay, yeah that’s definitely a good point. I’ve heard a lot of different ways to write the first chapter, and I may be trying to hard to combine them all. 😅
Also, from what I’ve read about plots and what I’ve learned (which isn’t much, lol), the first chapter isn’t supposed to have a TON of action. It’s supposed to set the scene, establish the characters, etc, so its okay if it’s not the most exciting part of your book. (I know some books jump you right into the action, but at least from what I’ve read, normally the first chapter isn’t as action packed as the rest of the book)
Alright. I’ll keep that in mind. (:
Maybe all of my “advice” helps you with nothing, so sorry if that’s the case, lol. I think I’d be able to help a lot more if I could somehow read it?
Hopefully this helps?
No, this does help! Thanks so much! 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
It is hard to say much without knowing much of your book, but I do agree with what Sara said as far as openings…
Ok! If you do wanna read the chapter, I posted it like two posts above this one.
I guess it depends on the reader, but personally, I like books that paint some of the picture in the first (and even second) chapter… even if it seems kinda dull/slow at first. I don’t often throw out a book because it’s a slow-starting one.
Oh yeah, ok. That’s true. Sometimes I feel like there’s a lot of writers saying to have some kind of action in the first chapter, and others saying that you just need to show the main character in their normal lives, so it can get confusing. 😅
So yeah… sorry, I guess I didn’t/couldn’t help much…
No, you’re totally fine. It’s nice just to hear another opinion on it too. Like how you said that you wouldn’t stop reading a book just because the first couple of chapters are a little slow. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I read the chapter, and I think I see what you mean.
I wouldn’t say that your problem is the lack of action. I think the way you opened with the painting scene is a great introduction. It introduces Ami’s character, how she’s artistic, what she values, what kind of person she is. So it definitely doesn’t need more action. The way you portray the sun “flickering” intrigues the reader, so you did a good job with that.
However, I don’t think you need to explain everything about the Orb in the first few paragraphs. In my opinion, it might keep the reader guessing if you sprinkle in other effects of the Orb (the inflation of prices was a good example). It’s enough to know just that there is an Orb. That will create a sense of intrigue in the reader to find out what exactly the Orb is and why it is there, and you can answer those questions later in the chapter. Sorry if I’m confusing you, I’m not good at explaining myself, lol. Here are some examples:
-Amidala could witness a guard punishing someone who tries to leave the Orb, which reveals that no one is allowed to leave.
-Maybe she hears some neighbors talking about how the Orb is slowly closing in.
Those are just examples of what I mean.
Anyway, I think you are overthinking it a little. By just omitting the paragraphs about the Orb and using examples in her world and showing the affects of the Orb, I think it could really improve.
I hope that this helps!
And great job!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok! If you do wanna read the chapter, I posted it like two posts above this one.
Ooo, great!! I read it just now, and I don’t think it’s information-dumping at all!
Oh yeah, ok. That’s true. Sometimes I feel like there’s a lot of writers saying to have some kind of action in the first chapter, and others saying that you just need to show the main character in their normal lives, so it can get confusing. 😅
Yes, definitely confusing. I agree. 😄
No, you’re totally fine. It’s nice just to hear another opinion on it too. Like how you said that you wouldn’t stop reading a book just because the first couple of chapters are a little slow. 🙂
Well, I’m glad then! 😊 🙃
Flaz: *yawns* Did the sun just come up? In the west?
I like it. At some parts it made me laugh, and you definitely portrayed a healthy family (something I never say no to in books) and with the part about the donut and Ev…I was thinking how I would like my crush to do that! XD
even though I’ve never had a donut before in my life, and am most likely allergic to it, I would eat it just for him.*I blush*There are a couple instances of telling, and if you want I can point them out individually, but I have a feeling you have noticed that and am changing it in the revision of this chapter.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Woops, sorry, that got posted to soon.
Anyways, as I was saying, I like it and you can tell Ami is good friends with Ev.
I don’t think you need an action opening, this introduces your characters nicely and captured me, which is what you want in a first chapter. From my gleaning of info on fist chapters, you want one, above all, that introduces your charrie(s) and grabs the attention of the reader, plus adding the setting of the story. For instance, the beginning of the Hobbit we learn about hobbits, the shire and Bilbo Baggins and Bag End. In the first chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring we have a similar thing. In Starship Troopers it’s similar, with you meeting Johnny, discovering who he is and what he does (then the next chapter he goes back talks about his childhood, but that’s irrelevant to my point.)
All in all, this is my long way of saying that for you, for your book, this chapter with a little revision in some parts, is great!
(Do NOT whatever you do get rid of the donut scene!)
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Hmm… the overcoming problems too easily really could be a problem. Something that I think would help is making the problems in general take up more space. A characters struggle should snowball as a result of their own bad choices, which reflect their major flaw they hope to overcome. The general problem should not come up quickly (Gotta let them marinate in their problems and slip up bad a couple of times y’know 😉) or leave without a internal struggle. Most stories have a long dark period before the resolution and overcoming, think being locked away in prison before deciding to put away their pride and pretend to be complaint in order to escape. The dark period should be a result of their own actions (and maybe some other characters too). Maybe prison is a result of five major bad decisions over the course of the story that built up into people turning against them. maybe they disregarded their friends concerns, making them all less trusting of eachother, leading to his betrayal. Sure, they betrayed him, but it was a result of his own carelessness and the decisions he made over the course of the story.
I think as long as the struggle is real and lasts for a good while, (and not too many tropes) then it won’t be cheesy. If you’re having fun though, who cares if it’s cheesy? It’s ok to experiment. I have to remind myself sometimes that no authors first book will become their best work, so I shouldn’t expect mine to either. Maybe it’ll be my 3rd, 11th or more book where I’ll make my mark in the world of books, so the first one doesn’t have to be perfect.
Hope that helps! 🙂
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@savannah_grace2009 @grcr @rae @mineralizedwritings
Thanks you so much guys!! All your advice has helped so much! I feel much more confident about editing this chapter now. ❤️
(And Rae, I would never get rid of the donut scene EVER. I love it too. 🥰😁)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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