Stars (feel free to critique mercilessly XD)

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  • #94048
    Daisy Torres
    @daisy-torres
      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
      • Total Posts: 691

      Starlight twinkles everywhere in shades of vibrancy that I haven’t seen in months. My feet danced in the stardust scattered on the moon like crushed diamonds.

      >————————————————–<

      A mere ghost of a child lay very still on a hospital bed. Her skin was as pale and as thin as the gown she wore, and her eyes, although quite shadowed, held a faintly dimming light within them.ย  She was like a candle, slowly fading.

      The nurse tapped her knuckles against the door and walked inside, a forced smile on her face that didn’t at all meet her sad eyes. “Hi, Bridgett! I thought I’d visit with you for a while,” said the nurse with a feather-light voice. She swallowed thickly and took the empty chair near her bed. These moments were always the hardest in her career. She hated saying goodbye to people she didn’t know if she’d ever see again, but even worse was saying goodbye to young children.

      A tired smile touched the girl’s lips. Her moist hair clung to her almost translucent, purplish skin. “Thank you. I wouldn’t want to die alone. Having someone here is easier, don’t you think?” she croaked.

      The nurse tried not to let her eyes water. “I’m sure it is. But let’s not talk about death! Let’s talk about happier things.”

      Bridgett’s eyes creased with a smile. “Did I ever tell you about the dream I had last night?” she asked.

      The woman shook her head, winding the hem of her shirt around her thumb. “I can’t say that you did. Go ahead and tell me.”

      She smiled wistfully to herself. Her eyes seemed to take on a dreamy, distant quality, as if she saw into a world all her own through eyes glittering with stardust.

      “I danced on the moon,” she said softly. “I dreamt I could walk again, and I did so with all the grace of a fairy.” The memory gently curled her mouth. “A boy was there, and he told me that he would give me the very stars if I wanted them. I only had to follow him. He reached up into a purple, black and silver constellation. It rippled as his hand disappeared. He pulled his hand back and it held a star, dripping with ebony space. He tucked it into my hair, just like a flower!” Her smile slipped a little. “Then he climbed into the stars and asked me once more to follow him. He said that where he was going, my home would shine brighter than a thousand stars.” Her eyes blankly roved the ceiling as she recalled the memory. “I told him no. I had to say goodbye to someone before I followed him. I was so sure that if I did follow him, I’d never see you again.” She smiled at the nurse. “I think he’ll come again soon, offering his gifts of stars and freedom, and when he does, I don’t think I’ll want to say no.”

      The nurse just watched the little girl, her heart pounding with sadness. This child, no older than thirteen, had so much to live for still. So much of life she had yet to know.

      She was orphaned as a baby and had no parents of her own. This child had lived a very sad, lonely life, and now it would be over before it had even begun.

      “What is one thing you’ve always wanted to do?” asked the nurse, patting the girl’s hand and trying to change the subject.

      She sighed dreamily. “I’ve always wanted to dance on the moon — but now I have.”

      Brushing a hand over Bridgett’s hair, she replied, “There is nothing else? Nothing I can help you do?”

      “No, ma’am. I’m happy now.” Her tone certainly sounded like she was, but the nurse didn’t see how it was possible.

      Whether the nurse thought she was happy or not, it made no difference. Later that night, when the boy with the stars swept her off to dance on the moon once more, she followed him.

      The stars rippled once more as they disappeared into a world of light.

      • This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Daisy Torres.
      • This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Daisy Torres.

      "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

      #94055
      Alexa Autorski
      @writerlexi1216
        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
        • Total Posts: 1011

        @daisy-torres

        GIRL, this is amazing!! It made me cry!! It was so sweet and sad (I say that in a heartfelt way) and had some lovely descriptions!! Those first two lines? Already drew me in. And I adore the name Bridgett. *applauds* Very well done! ๐Ÿ™‚

        #94058
        Linyang Zhang
        @devastate-lasting
          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
          • Total Posts: 1700

          @daisy-torres AHH that was so good and sad and beautiful! I love your descriptions!

          Lately, it's been on my brain
          Would you mind letting me know
          If hours don't turn into days

          #94059
          Anonymous
            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
            • Total Posts: 1789

            @daisy-torres WHOA! That was so beautiful and bittersweet! The pictures you painted…gorgeous! Fantastic job, girl!

            #94077
            Daisy Torres
            @daisy-torres
              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
              • Total Posts: 691

              @writerlexi1216 ahhh thank youuu!!! I really appreciate it!!!!

              "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

              #94078
              Daisy Torres
              @daisy-torres
                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                • Total Posts: 691

                @devastate-lasting Awww thank you!!! I’m so happy to hear that!!!!

                "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

                #94079
                Daisy Torres
                @daisy-torres
                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                  • Total Posts: 691

                  @gracie-j THANK YOUU!!!! You made my week!!!

                  "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

                  #94088
                  Alexa Autorski
                  @writerlexi1216
                    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                    • Total Posts: 1011

                    @daisy-torres

                    Of course, girl!!! Anytime!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ *high-fives*

                    #94093
                    ella
                    @nova21
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 604

                      @daisy-torres

                      Heyo!!!ย  Ooo YAY!!!ย  I love the title…

                      [quote quote=94048]She was like a candle, slowly fading.[/quote]

                      Oh. my. gosh.ย  I ADORE this simile sooo much!!!

                      [quote quote=94048]โ€œThank you. I wouldnโ€™t want to die alone. Having someone here is easier, donโ€™t you think?โ€ she croaked.[/quote]

                      Aaahh, my eyes are watering already!! ๐Ÿ˜ข

                      [quote quote=94048]Her eyes seemed to take on a dreamy, distant quality, as if she saw into a world all her own through eyes glittering with stardust.[/quote]

                      You did it again–girl, you got skills!! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

                      [quote quote=94048]dripping with ebony space.[/quote]

                      *cue jaw drop*

                      [quote quote=94048]This child had lived a very sad, lonely life, and now it would be over before it had even begun.[/quote]

                      Maybe instead of “this child” again, you could write “Bridgett”?ย  there was a little repetitiveness.ย  So sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ

                      [quote quote=94048]The stars rippled once more as they disappeared into a world of light.[/quote]

                      THIS ENDING!!!ย  Daisy, that was amazing!!!!! I’m trying not to cry (because people are going to look at me weird) but I’m totally crying on the inside!!ย  It’s crazy how you made me like Bridgett in the first few paragraphs.ย  And the descriptions!!ย  I am POSITIVE that you have a gift for them–you made it look easy, lol!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚ย  I really didn’t notice much grammar/editing-wise (it was very well written), maybe just a more concise word/phrase here and there.ย  Overall, it was a beautifully poignant little story, and it’s stories like Starsย that I think about at night.ย  Thank you thank you for sharing!! โค๐Ÿ˜Š

                      what we do in life echoes in eternity
                      -gladiator, 2000

                      #94102
                      Daisy Torres
                      @daisy-torres
                        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                        • Total Posts: 691

                        @nova21 Helloo!! Glad to have you *curtsies* XD Thank you!! ๐Ÿ˜Š

                        Awww thanks!!

                        This miiight sound slightly evil, but that makes me happy to hear ๐Ÿคฃ

                        Thanks a ton!! You’re too sweet!!!

                        Ohhh yes, I like that better!! Thank you!!

                        Awww here’s a tissueee *hands you an invisible one through the screen so people can’t see XD* I’m sorryy <3<3<3

                        Haha thank you bunches!! It took me a while to write that one though haha XD I was going through some old short stories of mine and found this one from, like, half a year ago or so? Idk XD It needed an ending though so I decided to give it one (plus some touch-up haha) and share it here! And YAYY thank you!!!! I’m so glad to have added to your star-watching thoughts ๐Ÿ˜„ Thank you for reading!!! I really enjoyed it!!!

                         

                        "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

                        #94111
                        Daisy Torres
                        @daisy-torres
                          • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                          • Total Posts: 691

                          @writerlexi1216 *high-fives back* XD

                          "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

                          #94122
                          Anonymous
                            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                            • Total Posts: 1789

                            @daisy-torres Aw, you’re so welcome!

                            #94161
                            Daisy Torres
                            @daisy-torres
                              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                              • Total Posts: 691

                              ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

                              "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

                              #94165
                              Anonymous
                                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                • Total Posts: 1379

                                @daisy-torres

                                OH. MY. GOODNESS. Me speechless! (I use bad grammar when I’m amazed.)

                                Your descriptions of Bridgett were HEARTWRENCHING. And I got the impression, somehow, that the little boy dancing with her on the moon was the way she saw Jesus. The entire eighth paragraph made me feel that way. Absolutely beautiful. It’s so true that every child sees the Lord differently (that’s why the song “Some Children See Him” is one of my top favorite Christmas songs of all time, if not my most favorite). I think Bridgett saw him as a friend just her age who loved her and wanted her to finally have happiness.

                                I’ll say it again: ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

                                #94170
                                Daisy Torres
                                @daisy-torres
                                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                                  • Total Posts: 691

                                  @joy-caroline Awwww thank you sooo muchhh!!!! That’s amazing to hear!!!

                                  To be honest, when I first wrote it I was imagining her guardian angel, but that works too XD I love that interpretation as well!!! I kind of wanted to leave it open though. Maybe it was a long-diseased relative come to escort her to heaven, maybe it was an angel, maybe it was Jesus, who knows loll (not me XD)

                                  THANK YOU SO MUCH GIRL!!

                                  "It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."

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