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Well done sir. The style and feel is very reminiscent of Tolkien (in a good way). #Silmarillion
One of the highlights of my afternoon!
Jackson E. Graham
@christianna-hellwig @rochellaine @emma-flournoy @that_writer_girl_99
Thanks so much for your suggestions, everyone! Here’s what I have now.
“Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
How earth and its peoples were early begotten
They looked and beheld through a pane of dark glass
The earth in a swirling, untamable mass
From darkness flowed mountains and valleys and seas
By The Lord Of The Stars and his hidden decrees
Song-master was he, and this his delight
To guide the star-dancers through the courses of night
The bright ones who saw it from first to the last
Remember what joys and what terrors then passed“Their lord, Yashael, whose feet are like fire
Who orders their steps with his sky-spanning lyre
Beholding Nelwynda, the least-star in rank
He smiled at her[ Or: “most comely he smiled.” Not sure which is better.] and this oracle spake
‘Behold how the lowly shine bright when they dance!
And by dint of my tune is their beauty enhanced
So too have I thought to make lofty the simple
And in planes[ This was intentional as in a geometrical plane in space, but perhaps plain might be more clear.] down below to inhabit a people.
For story I love, and it shows well my power
When small things grow tall by day and by hour’He flew down to earth and made war with its waters
Preparing a place for his sons and his daughters
By song upon song, he made each living thing
And by song upon song he formed four special beings.
Mankind, the firstborn, to dwell in the drylands
And Ublidek, after, to settle the wetlands
Meridin, blessed ones, to fill all the seas
And little Teedletiden he fashioned for the trees
For all of these a city, Letharill, he made
Its glory was established that it should never fade[ I’m unsure about the meter in these last three lines, especially lines 1 and 3.]In those days Menthril, star-son—prince of his kin
Heard the voice of Yashael and longing possessed him
For deeply Menthril loved a song and every art
And every song he heard gripped him by the heart
For unto beauty was Menthril next to a brother
His skin was starlight; his eyes shone like no other
His hair was black as night and black as fate
In this alone was Menthril wrong—he could not wait
For Yashael had said, “Learn by my song and see
Earth’s patterning, and how all things should be”But Menthril ached to sing and so he crept outside
Of Letharill where his works he thought to hide
Like morning birds he sang, his anthem soft and sweet
Then vines rose high and blossoms round his feet
As fair as anything yet made, but poisoned too
And glad Menthril rejoiced, for yet he thought them true
Then far roamed he from Letharill with his seed
Of songs untempered and little paid he heed
To thorns that grew — their sting he did not know
But when they pricked his flesh, they filled his song with woeThen woe-children came to him of tooth and claw and fang
At the sight of these broken he was smit with a pang
Like dark stars inside him, was terror unleashed
And he birthed from him monsters and terrible beasts
Then ended his song for he scarce could draw breath—
The star-son loved beauty but his hand had wrought death
Lonely, his tears fell. His beasts bid retire
They followed with haste the command of their sire
Then Menthril took council at what he had done
And every foul work of his fingers he shunnedLike a drunkard he staggered to Letharill bound
With fear that the sons of his song should be found
But, lo, in a hollow where mold and ash clung
A place for which stars weep and no songs are sung
At rest on a pillar, a flute of stone lay
And dark seemed to call him to come and to play
Then scarce could he hold back; his chest burned like fire
The maddest of follies became his desire
No passion has equalled by woman or man
The passion of Menthril who took it and ranAt Letharill harbor, he called to the Meridin
And summoned mankind, Ublideck, Teedletiden
Saying, “Come, hear my music and drink of its fervor
Its passion will last you from now to forever
Sing, we may not, but we need not be mute
The stars have shown kindness and lent me this flute!”
And false though he knew it, he led them astray
On the shores of Letharill he started to play
His tune was unfettered and wild and free
It was darker than midnight and cold as the seaHis hearers cried out but did not turn away
As those who stand fixed by a blood-spattered fray
The Meredin only had wisdom to see
The song would engulf them unless they would flee
All others were taken and held in a trance
They uttered the tune in their great ignorance
They moaned with the music and screamed with its power
And welcomed inside them a poisonous flower
Darkness, the patient, who knows how to wait
Now entered in swift through their souls’ open gateBut ere they drank all of the gall of their blunder
The Lord Of The Stars came down with his thunder
And shouted, ‘Oh, mortals! Is it too hard to wait?”
You have chosen your wine, and you swallowed down fate!
Now, Menthril, be quiet and hear my decree
When all men have perished, yet still shall you be
And war you shall watch throughout lengthening time
Between stars and darkness and call this work thine
And the woe of this battle and blood that is shed
Shall be thy hard pillow and fiery bedThen unto the others he uttered this saying
That rightly brought fear and yet was their saving
‘No more may your hands touch the world made with song
For surely like Menthril you would use it for wrong
The monsters of Menthril shall slay and devour
Yet lest you should perish, I give you a power
The bards I will fashion to guide and to shield
And grant them half song-land to have and to wield
In likeness of man I shall tailor their form
For man brought this curse like a maleficent storm’Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
Of earth’s brighter days and then its corruption
Still we may see in the dark heavens dancing
Your heavenly forms and your pale light entrancing
May as we watch you perform in the night time
Know that our healing will come at the right time
But till that day comes we will keep our swords sharpened
And sing songs of old with the tune of the harp and
Join you at sunset when the clouds give us chance
Awestruck to see that in dark the lights danceAwestruck to see that in dark the lights dance
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@warrioroftherealm *salutes* Awesome!
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@daeus Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I am usually only around here in the morning and evening…so anyway…
This version is much smoother. In answer to your comments:
Stanza two; “Most comely he smiled” is better, because otherwise we try to drag “and” out into two beats. The reason for this is probably that almost all – if not all (I didn’t count all of them) – your lines are either eleven or twelve beats long, while if you used “He smiled at her” that line would be only ten beats long.
Stanza three; A couple suggestions I have are “And little Teedletiden he chose for the trees” or “And little Teedletiden he set in the trees.” For the last line you could just cut out a couple of words like this: “Its glory established, it never should fade,” or “Its glory established, should nevermore fade,” or something like that. 😀
And one comment of my own: In the second to last stanza “For surely like Menthril you would use it for wrong” feels too long, though in counting syllables it technically isn’t. Would it be possible to chance “you would” to “you’d”? (I realize that you are trying to be formal here, so that might be too casual of speech for this, but I do think it would read smoother if you did that or something else to shorten the line.)
Everything else looks, feels, and sounds great! 😀
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
‘Most comely he smiled’ is better
And little Teedletiden he fashioned for the trees
For all of these a city, Letharill, he made
Its glory was established that it should never fade[ I’m unsure about the meter in these last three lines, especially lines 1 and 3.]Maybe instead: ‘And little Teedletiden he fashioned for trees
For all these a city, Letharill, he made
Its glory was established that should never fade [which maybe slightly changes the meaning? But not too much…]
(I can’t get my lines to stay together without space in between. It’s sad.)
For deeply Menthril loved a song and every art
And every song he heard gripped him by the heartFor Menthril loved deeply a song and all art
And all songs he heard gripped him by the heart
Then far roamed he from Letharill with his seed — it helps the meter to cut the ‘his’ in this, though it does make it slightly more vague. Not too much I think.
Join you at sunset when the clouds give us chance — actually probably better as just ‘when clouds give us chance’
Otherwise, bravo! Much better. It’s great.
(The quotations are still inconsistent but probably because they just haven’t been changed yet. *jaunty salute*)
@daeus First off, that poem is amazing. So very beautiful. 😀
Uhhh…. I think I’ll just leave my suggestions here. The bold text is what I would change. Continue at your own risk. 😛
They looked and beheld through a dark pane of glass
To guide the star-dancers through the paths of night
The bright ones who saw it from the first to the lastEarth’s patterning, and how all things are meant to be”
And twisting vines with blossoms rose around his feet
Then ended his song for he scarce could draw a breath—
No passion has been equalled by woman or man
INFJ. An extroverted introvert who loves to write and draw.
*disappears into the shadows*
Thanks everyone! @emma-flournoy @ariella-newheart @rochellaine
I think I’ve got it now. I’ll come back to this a few months from now to see if I can make any small improvements, but I think it’s generally solid. 😀
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Oh, one more question. Do you prefer the ending lines:
“Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance”
or
“Awestruck to see that in night the lights dance”
???
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“Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance” @daeus
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@Daeus Yay! *lemonade and cheesecake for all*
I definitely prefer “Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance”.
^ I concur. @daeus
@emma-flournoy Oooh cheesecake! \^o^/ Yummy.INFJ. An extroverted introvert who loves to write and draw.
*disappears into the shadows*
@Ariella-Newheart Oh yeah. ;P
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