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Hi KeePers,
Any of you who write structured poetry, I could use a bit of help with a poem I’ve written. This is for the fantasy novel I’m writing and essentially recounts the first events of the world.
My problem is that I know a few spots have clunky meter. I generally have a good ear for meter and maybe I could fix this by myself, but sometimes the fine details of meter mess me up, so I’d appreciate some outside input.
Any takers? @rochellaine @ariella-newheart @lady-iliara @emma-flournoy
“Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
How earth and its peoples were early begotten
They looked and beheld through a pane of dark glass
The earth in a swirling, untamable mass
From darkness flowed mountains and valleys and seas
By The Lord Of The Stars and his hidden decrees
Song-master was he, and ’twas his chiefest delight
To guide the star-dancers through the courses of night
The bright ones who saw it from first to the last
Remember what joys and what terrors then past“Their lord, Yashael, whose feet are like fire
Who orders their steps with his sky-spanning lyre
Beholding Nelwynda, the humblest of rank
He smiled most comely and this oracle spake
‘Behold how the lowly shine bright when they dance!
And by dint of my tune is their beauty enhanced
So too have I thought to make lofty the simple
And in planes down below to inhabit a people.
For story I love, and it shows my power
When small things grow tall by day and by hour’Down he flew to earth and made war with its waters
Preparing a place for his sons and his daughters
Song upon song, he fashioned each living thing
And by song upon song he made four special beings.
Mankind, the firstborn, to dwell in the drylands
And Ublidek, after, to make homes in wetlands
Meridin, most blessed, their habitat the seas
And little Teedletiden he fashioned for the trees
For all of these a city, Letharill, he made
Its glory was established that it should never fadeIn those days Menthril, star-son—prince of his kin
Heard the voice of Yashael and longing possessed him
For deeply Menthril loved a song and to create
And every song he heard would him intoxicate
For unto beauty was Menthril like a brother
His skin was starlight; his eyes shone like no other
His hair was black as was the night and black as fate
In this alone was Menthril wrong—he could not wait
For Yashael had said, “Learn by my song and see
Earth’s patterning, and how all things should be”But Menthril ached to sing and so he crept outside
Of Letharill where his works he thought to hide
Like morning birds he sang, his anthem soft and sweet
Then vines rose high and blossoms round his feet
As fair as anything yet made, but poisoned too
And glad Menthril rejoiced, for yet he thought them true
Then far he roamed from Letharill with his seed
Of songs untempered and little did he heed
The thorns that grew, for their sting he did not know
But when they pricked his flesh, they filled his song with woeThen woe-children came to him of tooth and claw and fang
At the sight of these broken he was smit with a pang
Like dark stars inside him, was terror unleashed
And he birthed from him monsters and terrible beasts
Then ended his song for he scarce could draw breath—
The star-son loved beauty but his hand had wrought death
Lonely, his tears fell, and he bid his beasts retire
They followed with haste the command of their sire
Then Menthril took council at what he had done
And every foul work of his fingers he shunnedLike a drunkard he staggered to Letharill bound
With fear that the sons of his song should be found
But, lo, in a hollow where ash and mold clung
A place for which stars weep and no songs are sung
At rest on a pillar, a flute of stone lay
And dark seemed to call him to come and to play
Then scarce could he hold back, for his chest burned like fire
And the maddest of follies became his desire
No passion has equalled by woman or man
The passion of Menthril when he took it and ranAt Letharill harbor, he called to the Meridin
And summoned mankind, Ublideck, Teedletiden
Saying, “Come, hear my music and drink of its fervor
Its passion will last you forever and ever
Sing, we may not, but there is a substitute
The stars have shown kindness and lent me this flute!”
And false though he knew it, he led them astray
On the shores of Letharill he started to play
His tune was unfettered and wild and free
It was darker than midnight and cold as the seaHis hearers cried out but did not turn away
As those who stand fixed by a blood-splattered fray
The Meredin only had wisdom to see
That the song would engulf them unless they would flee
All others were taken and held in a trance
They uttered the tune in their great ignorance
They moaned with the music and screamed with its power
And welcomed inside them a poisonous flower
Darkness, the patient, who knows how to wait
Now entered in quickly through their souls’ open gateBut ere they drank all of the gall of their blunder
The Lord Of The Stars came down with his thunder
And shouted, ‘Oh, mortals! Is it too hard to wait?”
You have chosen your wine, and you swallowed down fate!
Now, Menthril, be quiet and hear my decree
When all men have perished, yet still shall you be
And war you shall watch throughout unending time
Between stars and darkness and call this work thine
And the woe of this battle and blood that is shed
Shall be thy hard pillow and fiery bedThen unto the others he uttered this saying
That rightly brought fear and yet was their saving
‘No more may your hands touch the world made with song
For surely like Menthril you would use it for wrong
The monsters of Menthril shall slay and devour
Yet lest you should perish, I will give you a power
The bards I will fashion to guide and to shield
And grant them half song-land to have and to wield
In the likeness of man I shall tailor his form
For man brought this curse like a maleficent storm’Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
Of earth’s brighter days and then its corruption
Still we may see in the dark heavens dancing
Your heavenly forms and your pale light entrancing
May as we watch you perform in the night time
Know that our healing will come at the right time
But till that day comes we will keep our swords sharpened
And sing songs of old with the tune of the harp and
Join you at sunset when ere we get the chance
Awestruck to see that in dark the lights danceAwestruck to see that in dark the lights dance
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Did you write this to a specific metric pattern? Or are you just looking to clean up the phrasing a bit? I’m afraid I can’t help if it’s set to a specific pattern, but I can help if you just want to polish it up a bit.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@that_writer_girl_99 More for metric pattern, but either one.
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Okay. Would you mind putting this into a google doc then sending it to me? It’ll be easier for me to make suggestions there, unless you’d rather do it here. And they will be suggestions, ’cause I’m no poetry expert. Though I do enjoy making the words fit.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@that_writer_girl_99 Here ye be.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gbxwg9Afksj6pdwgg7F-WuJKj9EtsG9V6lXSLyBVWBM/edit?usp=sharing
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Awesome, I’ll look at in a few minutes. I’m battling it out with a rather complex assignment for my World Religions class at the moment.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
*blinks* Okay…my suggestions are in the doc, take from them what you want, disregard all, if you’d like. I had fun reading it, Daeus…you really are talented. That was incredibly well-done!
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@daeus I really like it! I’ve never written any poem nearly this long. 🙂 I’m putting it in a separate google document myself where I will comment on it, because when I opened yours I got mixed all up in Elizabeth’s comments so that it was hard to go over just for myself. 😀
Since it’s a really long poem it might take me a while to get through it all, but I’ll post the document here for you to look over when I finish.
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@Daeus Oh hey, could I have it in a doc too? I was going to do it without one, but that sounds a much more efficient option.
I don’t write poetry, but I certainly appreciate good poetry, especially with good cadence. That’s my favorite part.
I read through it, and it’s beautiful, and I do have some metrical suggestions.
Also, I feel compelled to say this even though it’s not exactly…relevant? The whole thing—not the poem itself, but the story—feels very reminiscent of Tolkien’s Creation. It’s not a copy or anything by any stretch of the imagination, but it does strike me as very similar in essence. Of course there’s only so far you can go with originality as to Creations and Falls, because of their obvious base. It has to match to some extent. But this is just really similar. Dunno what I expect you to do about it, but I’m letting you know anyway. 😛
It’s nevertheless beautiful.
@that_writer_girl_99 @rochellaine Thanks. 😀
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@emma-flournoy Sure, here’s one. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oV9qnLtpy4Cwn8-JFfJaXzOn4A5-yqRBR-AqlFIyYdk/edit?usp=sharing
Yeah, song creation and all that. I probably should have come up with something more original, but in my defense the song creation is the basis for the whole magical system, the last book’s allegorical aspects, and the plot itself to some degree.
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@Daeus Thanks.
Well, you’d better come up with an epic soundtrack for it then. 😉
@emma-flournoy Ha! Well, we’ll see. I’d certainly love to.
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@daeus I hope you don’t mind. You didn’t tag me, nor did I ask first, but I love good meter in poetry so I messed around with your poem a bit. I put everything I changed in bold and bracketed the words I would remove. I didn’t get the meter perfect, as in there are somethings which were awkward but didn’t feel right changing as it could change the story a little and I don’t know exactly what your intent is, and even the changes I did make I’m not sure if they changed things too much. Anyhow, sometimes, seeing a way something could be done can inspire me to think of a better way, which is what I’m hoping my version will do…best of luck, though, as voice major, I must say I would find it rather hard to not be aloud to sing so I sympathize with Menthril https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WiwLE1B20XXRT4-SCB-5zU0EWMh7MhUXrtG-L_j04z8/edit?usp=sharing
@christianna-hellwig Thanks so much! I’ll take a look over this as soon as I get a chance.
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