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Hey yo, not-so-secret fam!
Contrary to popular belief, I actually DO write from time to time. And it’s actually REALLY GOOD. No cap. Like, Tolkien’s got nothing on me. C.S. Lewis? He came back from the dead JUST to get my autograph. And Shakespeare has been real quiet ever since I have started writing. And that’s a FACT.
Anywaaaays. I’m gonna bless your eyes with my beautiful, magnificent, incredible, epic, swashbuckling, gritty, knock-your-socks-off, writing!
Yes, peoples. It do be your lucky day tho. It do be. It really do be tho. Day after day it be doing it tho.
….
Aaaanywaaays. So I actually wrote this with my little sister (she’s thirteen)
She wrote the first chapter, and I wrote the second chapter. We both wrote from different POVs.
If you don’t like the first chapter then BLAME MY LITTLE SISTER. She dropped out of college so the spelling might be a little wonky. And I was also too lazy to edit any of the typos in the first chapter, so please don’t jump down my throat.
ENOUGH BORING STUFF.
On to the story.
Title: ULTIMATE EPIC WAR HERO OF THE UNIVERSE
Premise: Two kids go to a cringe virtual reality video game camp, where some sus stuff happens.
Trigger Warning: Zombies, aliens, death, and latino telenovelas.
Seriously, though, I just want some honest feedback. Also, my sister and I haven’t written anymore, and we don’t know where to take the story. What would you like to see? Or should we just dump the story as a whole? Be as BRUTALLY HONEST as you can. HARSHLY CRITIQUE our story with as much fiery passion as if I had just insulted your favorite book series. heh
Here ya go!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OlRpzqbhaVTI5v0mPk3o4pyDnljTgNG-QQ7P9vtlslM/edit?usp=sharing
Flawless and handsome (as ruled by my grandmother.)
@anne-of-lothlorien @gretald @elishavet-pidyon @koshka @anatra23 @joy-caroline @devastate-lasting @elfwing @elanor @e-k-seaver @trahia-the-minstrel @william-starkey @abigail-m @thelobsterlover @gracie-j @r-m-archer @power @kathleenramm @morgan @godlyfantasy12 @anyone-else-who-wants-to-bash-my-writing @anyone-who-is-in-the-mood-to-set-their-eyes-on-a-masterpiece-because-i-definitely-did-write-a-masterpiece-it’s-not-trash-at-all
Flawless and handsome (as ruled by my grandmother.)
Also, if you just want to skip to the second chapter to read what i wrote, you can. You don’t need to read the first chapter to understand the second chapter.
Flawless and handsome (as ruled by my grandmother.)
It wasn’t too terrible…
Okay, I can’t. I will admit it. WOW!!!!
The first chapter was very well written and long. C.S. Lewis actually might be coming for an autograph. Please tell you sister “Good job from the Black Mongoose” (13… Wow. I wish I could have written like that at 13.)
Chapter 1 was good but chapter 2 was, well… errr…
Even more amazing! I forgot about this world and was transported to be with your characters. (Are books the first form of virtual reality?) If you were to publish a book I might actually read it! (Please take that as a compliment, I can be very particular with my books, and I like your writing style.) Shakespeare must be very intimidated by you. He kept quiet for 400 years before you started writing!
p.s. The story was a little choppy here and there, and several sentences in the first chapter tended to go on for quite awhile. (The same problem I have) I don’t think the two chapters went together (As in they didn’t belong in the same book). Could use some editing, and wow… that was pretty awesome by the way.
You will love what you spend time with.
@not-so-secret-secret-assassin
Brilliant first chapter(and second, I suppose). Riveting. Fast-paced, easily retainable, and entertaining(but plz don’t let it get to your head).
Sheesh, nine-year-olds those days, very desensitized.
I wanna agree with @power on the running sentences, though I think the chapters flowed pretty well together. Not too much to critique, other than I thought the second chapter was about Jamacamoe, until abt half way through. My powers of deduction are clearly unmatched.
Ya might wanna tell Tolkien to sit back for a bit until there’s some meat on this outline though.
I enjoyed it.
@not-so-secret-secret-assassin
1st of all, your Forum Topic Intro was almost as fun to read as the chapters… I guess that explains why I haven’t heard from Shakespeare lately.
2nd of all.
I’m sorry.
Eh, not for the late replay as much as I am for not reading this sooner. Don’t get me wrong, as much as I’d love to bash a video game-themed story, I just can’t. This is legit the first time (in a while) that I didn’t stop reading something to nitpick small errors. Both chapters executed being epic.
Both had great characters, awesome action flow, good stakes, good dialogue, and some description work that I’m just gonna have to applaud you guys on. Anime girl, porcupine man, the alien and turquoise hair mafia dudes, the girl who sold Dr. Pepper, Freddie. I don’t even have to go back and re-read anything to memorize the descriptions.
I like how you plunged everyone into a load of trouble right off. Along with ‘Mario’ now in trouble with THE MAFIA. Gripping. Plus the two layers of the video game world were pretty cool to imagine. Awesome work on this.
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