Some Feedback?

[Ryanna]

Hello, guys! So I’ve decided to share a super short story that I wrote a little while ago for critique/feedback. It’s not quite horror, but it’s slightly creepy I guess? *shrug* I get in creepy moods sometimes 😉 The backstory for this is that Jamie is a victim of a character of mine who brings to life everyones worst fears – kinda dark, I know. I have happy characters, I promise!
If I get some good critique on this I might share some more short stories.. Who knows?

Terror pulsed through me as I ran through the thick forest, shivering as cold crept over my skin. I couldn’t find my way out of this blasted forest. I couldn’t even remember how I got lost. I had absolutely nothing. No phone, no compass, no knife to protect myself. I skid to a stop, clutching my sides and trying to catch my breath, my senses on high alert. A minute later, a crackle in the bushes made me stand back up, my heart rate increasing.
“Hello? Miss, can you help me?” A child’s voice cried.
I nearly jumped out of my skin, but sighed in relief. It was only a child. If there was a child out here that had to mean some civilization was close.
I pushed my way through the thickets, trying to find her. “I’m here, it’s okay. Where are you, sweetheart?” I called.
The child’s voice rose in fear. “Miss, help me! Jamie, please!”
I stopped cold. How did the girl know my name? Her voice. Something about it sounded familiar. Goosebumps crawled over my skin as I pushed one last tree branch out of the way, stepping into a little open field of dead grass. A small figure sat in the middle of the field, her back to me.
“Jamie, please don’t let go! Please – I don’t want to die!” She wailed.
I nearly choked. Her hair, the little brown ringlets… No, this couldn’t be. My little sister had died years ago, she couldn’t be alive. She drowned.
I tried to whisper her name, although nothing came out but a croak. I took a step towards her. “Lacie?” I finally managed. The little girl stirred, and that’s when I noticed something odd about her hair. Her brown ringlets were soaking wet. And so was her pink gingham dress.
I was beginning to shake now as the memories returned.
It was five years earlier. Jamie and Lacie were sitting on the edge of a dock, both in their Sunday dresses. The cold, December snow whirled past them, but the girls didn’t seem to notice it. Jamie cracked a joke and her little sister laughed her sweet, innocent laugh. Lacie tapped her toe on the frozen ice of the lake beneath them, grinning. “Sissy, the ice is all hard now! I can go ice skating!” The six year old girl exclaimed.
Jamie shook her head. “No, Lace, you can’t go yet. It’s not hard enough, I promise.”
Lacie sighed, looking disappointed, but she shrugged. “Okay, Jamie. Can we go back to the house, now? I’m cold.” She looked up at her sister and lightly tugged on her dress. Jamie smiled and nodded, standing up. She reached down to take Lacie’s hand and helped her up, flicking one of her brown ringlets affectionately.
Grinning, Lacie let go of her sister’s hand and began to run down the dock. Jamie called for her to slow down, concern ringing out in her voice. But her sister didn’t seem to hear over the howling wind.
Jamie shook her head, glancing out across the frozen lake again. Suddenly, a scream jerked her attention back to Lacie. But her little sister wasn’t on the dock anymore. “Lacie?!” Jamie yelled, rushing to where her sister had just been.
“Jamie! Please, help me!” The voice echoed from below her.
The ice was cracked as her sister struggled in the freezing water. Lacie’s lips were already turning blue as she tried to grab onto the dock, but her grip kept slipping. Jamie gasped, kneeling down and trying to grab her sister’s hand.
Lacie was gasping for air as her thrashing grew weaker. Jamie glanced around in panic. She couldn’t jump in, unless she wanted to risk going into shock from the cold. Then she would be useless to her sister. There had to be some sort of rope, something… She reached out to try and grab Lacie again, but she missed.
“Jamie, help me, I don’t want to die!” She wailed. Jamie reached down and finally succeeded in grabbing her sister’s arm and tried to tug her out of the water. But right as Jamie did so, Lacie fell limp, her pink dress catching on the edge of the ice. Lacie’s hand slipped from Jamie’s grip.
“Lacie!” She screamed. But her sister had already fallen beneath the icy surface of the lake.
I shook my head, edging closer to the girl. I called her name again, louder. I finally reached the figure and knelt beside her, touching her arm. “Lacie?” I murmured.
Her head jerked towards me, and I fell back with a scream. My little sister’s face was sunken, her lips were a deathly blue and her face a harsh white. Freezing water dripped off her face, her nose, her chin, her hair. Her eyes were pure white and looked glassy, as though they had frozen over.
She slowly stood up, the water streaming over her body and onto the ground continuously, as though she was standing underneath a shower. She stared down at me, as I was still sitting on the ground in fright. “You did this, sissy. You killed me,” She said, her face contorting with rage.
I scrambled backwards, finally standing up. “Lace… No, I-I tried to save you..” My back was pressed against a tree as Lacie walked towards me. She reached out with her small, pale hand and for one split second I saw her eyes glitter with the former life they once had.
My eyes flew open in terror, my breath coming in quick gasps. I sat up and flicked my bedside lamp on, shaking. It was just a nightmare. I reassured myself.
My eyes scanned over my room and stopped at the edge of my bed. A cold, wet hand was reaching for me, while another was gripping my blanket. No…

[SeekJustice]

@ryanna! Nice piece, it is creepy!!! My only point would be that the flashback in the middle isn’t necessary and is distracting to the rest of the story. I would suggest cutting it out altogether and merely working in small hints of what happened between Jamie and Lacie at the lake. Other than that, there are a few things, like “I saw her eyes glitter with the former life they once had” should be “with the life they’d once had”. Other than that, it was pretty good. Very chilling! Good job. 😀

INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.

[EpicAddie2]

@ryanna
Great job! I really like it! I agree with @seekjustice though. Maybe if you sort of hinted about what happened to Lacie rather than telling the whole flashback, it would be less distracting to what is actually going on. Besides that, it was really good! You should definitely share more of your writing!

INFJ ~ 4w5
aldarley.wordpress.com

[Anonymous]

@ryanna I agree with @seekjustice and @epicaddie2. But if you did do the flashback, then I would continue it in 1st person. Or is it 3rd person? I get them confused. Whatever person you did the rest of the story in. It is really great, though. I would definitely like to read more of your work.

[Ryanna]

@Emily and @EpicAddie2 Thank you! I definitely will write it out again without the flashback. Also, Emily, I thought for some reason I could do the memory slightly like a narrator scene – but as I think about it that doesn’t make sense. *Shrug* Yes, 1st person is ‘I’ and 3rd person is ‘She’ 😀 (I think?)

[Catwing]

1st person is MC POV
2nd person is a side character’s POV
3rd person is narrator
Basically…

@ryanna Correct. *grins* And the above should be correct too.

IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!

[EpicAddie2]

@ryanna Yeah, 1st person uses “I” and 3rd person uses “she”

INFJ ~ 4w5
aldarley.wordpress.com

[Anonymous]

@ryanna I have no clue why I get those confused.

[Author]

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