Sing of Tomorrow

[Koshka]

Song/poem I just wrote. I don’t know if it’s any good. It would be sung be a captive.

Sing of Tomorrow

My yesterday was full of fears,

Today is always drenched in tears,

But I’m still singing-

I want to see Tomorrow again,

Show me Tomorrow again.

 

The years have slowly ground away,

And night was gaining day by day,

Yet I kept singing-

I want to see Tomorrow again,

Show me Tomorrow again.

 

Here voices scream, you’re still in pain,

This Dream and Hope are all in vain,

But I’m still singing-

I want to see Tomorrow again,

Show me Tomorrow again.

 

Through sharpened air and deathly fright,

You gave to me of coming Light,

So I’ll still sing-

I want to see Tomorrow again,

Show me Tomorrow again.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork

[Elishavet Elroi]

The author of this poem, who at the moment is doing the dishes and thus can’t access her phone, has requested I tag a few people to look over this. (I think that’s what she said.)

@anatra23 @power @abigail-m  @anybody-else @yes-you-reading-this-right-now 😉

You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan

[Elishavet Elroi]

@koshka

This is a fascinating poem. I especially love the last stanza, and the others are very good too. The imagery is particularly intriguing to me, as well as the change in meter at the end of each stanza.

You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan

[Jodi Maile]

@koshka

I love this poem! I think it’s beautiful and emotional, perfect for a captive to sing.

[Koshka]

@elishavet-pidyon @jodi-maile

Thank you! I loved writing it.

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork

[Koshka]

Are there any things you would change?

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork

[Abigail.M.]

@koshka

Hi, Koshka! I love this poem 😀 I visualized it being sung by a captive like you said it would be and think that that works wonderfully:) It felt wintery and mysterious and sad and hopeful. I especially loved the last stanza and how each line in it was its own yet completely tied together. So I think that’s beautiful.
Hmmm, the only thing I can think of for a critique is in the third stanza, first line, where it reads “you’re still in pain,” since when you first read it, it feels unclear as to who the singer is referencing. I suppose it just jolts a little, but nothing major.

Overall, I loved it and think its great!! 😀 😀

[Anatra]

@koshka

This is so pretty. I love the emotion!

@abigail-m mentioned this, but quick question,
Is the poem saying:

Here voices scream: “you’re still in pain,

This Dream and Hope are all in vain,“

Or would that be the singer saying that Dreams and Hopes are in vain?

(ty Elishavet, I’m sure the author appreciates it ^-^)

 

[Elishavet Elroi]

Welcome! 😉

*Note* I was wondering the same thing as @anatra23. Is it a dialogue?

And yay!!! This poem is beautiful!!!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Elishavet Elroi.

You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan

[Koshka]

@abigail-m @anatra23

Thank you! My verse is just starting to feel right, if that makes any sense.

The voices are saying that. Would removing the punctuation clear that up, or do I need to do something else?

(YES, the author appreciates it very much!)

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork

[Koshka]

Is this better?

Here voices scream, ‘You’re still in pain,

This Dream and Hope are all in vain.’

First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the Gork

[Anatra]

@Koshka

Yes, that’s great! 🙂

[Abigail.M.]

@anatra23

Yeah, it is the singer:) I got that a little confused the first time 🙂

 

[Abigail.M.]

@Koshka

Yes, that makes sense:)
Ooh, yes! The apostrophes make it much more clear, I think that works great! 😀

[Abigail.M.]

@anatra23

I’m SO sorry, I just saw that your question was already answered! Yikes, sorry about that

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