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Hey Folks,
I’ve written a short story based on my novel Clouded Fury. It’s just to give me an idea about my MC and her interaction with another person and with her memories.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DtJUfCBJBk-beHpCIdVAMIw5sN3w4D-qNxRIFVfxw4o/edit?usp=sharing
Here’s the link if you’d like to read it. If you could tell me what you think, that’d be awesome. 🙂
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder I really liked it! The description felt very real, and the voices of the characters were good.
A couple of things: One, you switched POVs a couple of times during the course of the story, and it was hard to keep up. I think you should at least put a double paragraph break in between so it’s obvious you’re starting a new section, or even use a line breaker, such as
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so that below you can change the style without it being confusing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two, at the end the prince questions whether he should tell his parents. I was a bit confused as to why he would think that. He was the one who wanted to sneak out, so if he believed the girl that his parents knew, he might want to confess and clear the air, but that didn’t seem like what it was about. If it was about the girl’s questionable background, as I thought it was, her changing demeanor and not wanting to talk about it would not be such a huge deal that he would want to risk his parents finding out about his monthly excursions, right? I mean, he knows she doesn’t have her family with her anymore, so why wouldn’t she hesitate to talk about them? She might get too emotional, and so would just avoid talking about them. I think there needs to be a little more clearly strange behavior on her part before he gets suspicious.
But all in all, I really liked the idea of the story! I hope these comments help. 🙂 And I know I might be taking things out of context since I haven’t read the whole rest of the book.
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@rochellaine Thank you for reading!
Unfortunately, this is not a stand-alone story. To add in all of the necessary background, it would have to be a whole lot longer. And to add it in would take away from the scene, I thought. A lot of your questions will be answered in the full story, in addition to more suspicious behavior on her part. You are right that his question was about her questionable background.
As far as the POV changes, I’m gonna have to go back and read it (it was posted without proofing) because there really isn’t supposed to be any POV changes. If you could tell me which points it switched, I will take a look at it and fix it.
I’m so very glad you liked it! 😀
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder I liked it! I think the dynamic between Casse and Aldred is really sweet. (I have to admit, at the beginning the name Cassandra threw me off, because in Ranger’s Apprentice the princess is named Cassandra, and she does sneak out at night, too.)
I share the problem mentioned earlier, though, in that it’s a bit confusing at the end. Maybe you could foreshadow her suspicious background around the beginning. Or perhaps you could add a little character development with Casse struggling between her love/affection for Aldred (staying out with him) or her loyalty to her “questionable background” (meaning she has to head back to the castle before she’s caught). Ramping up the tension in an area like that should help carry the story even if we end up finding out nothing about Casse.
Overall, though, the story is sweet and relatable. Good job!
It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.com@gh24682468999 Okay, I made a few changes to the story. I added a little to the beginning and a little to the end. Hopefully, that will clear up a few things. I’m worried about adding any more in case it gets to spoilery for the full story. I had mentioned a little bit about her being on probation at the beginning, but it was a single sentence.
@rochellaine I added a little to the end which will hopefully clear up why it’s suspicious she’s hesitant to speak about her family. Any more than that and it might be a bit too spoilery.Also, if anyone has an idea for a medieval sounding term other than probation that would be awesome! 🙂
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@rochellaine I figured out what you meant by the point of view. I’ll see what I can do to fix it. Thanks. 🙂
I have the unfortunate habit of writing in third person omniscient and I don’t always take that into account.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@gh24682468999 Hey! Another person (besides me) who has read Ranger’s Apprentice!!!!!! (Sorry, it’s a really good series in my opinion.)
Oh…um…sorry, that was totally off-topic for this forum.
@skredder I like it! So is this a part of a story, or a stand alone one?Kapeefer 'Till We're Old and Grey!
ENFJ-T ... I think (haven't taken the quiz in awhile)@skredder I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’m glad you figured out what I meant.
I had that same problem recently… 😀 I’ve found that line breakers really help when I want to suddenly change thoughts.
The added section at the ending is perfect! It makes a lot more sense now.
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
@warrenluther04 Thank you! I’m glad you liked it! It is part of a novel I’m working on called Clouded Fury. So, any questions that pop up from reading this short story will be answered there. However, I haven’t decided if I want this to be a scene in the actual story. If I don’t, I’ll still need a scene that achieves the same basic ending that this one does.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder Yes, the confusion is cleared up now. Thanks 🙂
@warrenluther04 Yes!! The series is really awesome (it’s one of my favorites), and there are more people on this forum that like it than you’d think.It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.comI really liked it! The only thing I want to point out is that in this sentence
“From past “research”, Cassandra knew that there were always two night-guards standing by the single-person door that lead to the woods, along with at least six guards at all times watching the main gate into the castle”Maybe the word you want is experience rather then “research” ? The word research makes it sound like she specifically went out to find the information, whereas experience is more like shes just gathered it from.. well experience xD
Maybe she did specifically look into how many guards there are though. 😀
I really liked the characters. They seem like sweetie pies! 😉 😀and I was so confused
@notawriter Thank you! I’m glad you liked it!
At the risk of spoilers, it is research Casse had conducted to discover about the guards. It has something to do with her current probation. 😉
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
@skredder Oh okay. But still, I really liked it! Maybe you could try publishing your book on KP? (Wow. I say that to a lot of people.
@gh24682468999 Agreed…I can safely say that Tug and Abelard (Arbelard? How do you spell it again… 😅) plus Sable are my favorite characters. And maybe Will, Evanlyn, and Horace! Hmm… interesting!Kapeefer 'Till We're Old and Grey!
ENFJ-T ... I think (haven't taken the quiz in awhile)@skredder By the way, how would you get someone to beta-read a story? Is it just what you did, posting the link of the Google Doc onto the forum? Or would you give certain people Comment Only access? I have a story that I’d like advice on, so would that count as a beta-read? Sorry for the random question…
Kapeefer 'Till We're Old and Grey!
ENFJ-T ... I think (haven't taken the quiz in awhile)@warrenluther04 Usually when people want beta-readers here on KP they post a link to a google doc in the “Novel Critique” or “Short Story Critique” sections of the forum, then tag some people and ask them to look it over. Sometimes we ask for comments directly in the comments section of the google document (In that case you have to “allow editing” when you get the shareable link,) or they will just ask for comments on the forum. I have done it both ways myself. If you’re still not sure how it works, look up the “critique” forum to get some ideas. 😀
Hope this helps! (I know you didn’t tag me in your question, but anyway…)
"Sylvester - Sylvester!"
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