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I would love feedback on this 🙂
Warning, a scene of a character getting very overwhelmed to the point of panic.
– Here it is –
The ball flew across the empty baseball field, and landed with a puff of dust.
“Wahoo!” Sebastian leaped, and pumped his fist in the air. His curls gleamed, bouncing over his dull navy jacket. “Take that, destructive object! There’s only room for one of us!”
A shadow passed over him from behind.
“You should be more aware of spectators,” Barnes said. The woman seemed quite pleased, at least more than normal, and patted Seb on the head.
Sebastian did a little jump of surprise. Suddenly his joints tensed, and rusted to a stop, like the pieces of automata used for his creations.
He was unable to move. There was nothing wrong with his muscles, and nothing hurt. But somehow this freaked him out more. He managed a trembling swallow, and tried to focus on what he could feel.
His mind wandered aimlessly, clinking against ideas, zooming in and out of his limbs, shut inside a dead machine. Somewhere there lay a disconnect.
Why was this happening? It was only Barnes, and she was not dangerous. It was about something she said, maybe.
I should say something. Move my legs or arms, wake them up. Pff, easy… right?
He couldn’t.
Can’t stop smiling, either. Can’t stop. Can’t stop… He patted his own cheeks to ease the grin down, but only succeeded in paralyzing his hand, so it stuck to his face.
“Kid?” Barnes knelt in front of him on the home plate. Although Seb heard her, and tried very hard to understand, all of her intentions slipped away. She looked like a whole new person, a more plain person. Her words cut in and out like static. “You don’t… and see…”
The world’s dimensions flattened against each other, like a pop-up book as it slowly closed. The ball court folded a few times.
With a shiver, Seb lost his grasp on his own body. He floated over it helplessly, and couldn’t lower himself any easier than the moon from the sky. The boy below swayed.
Let me in…
The body had rejected him. Who was he, anyway?
Should I let this boy become me? I don’t know who he is.
Barnes would understand. She understood masks, made of real things and other things. Maybe she knew what to say, to pull him back into the physical world.
Seb’s heart swelled into a mallet, and beat incessantly against his ribcage. In a spare moment, he grabbed his collar, tried to rip it open, and croaked out, “- Help!”
That one word was a triumph.
But the field spread out in front of him, empty of players. Barnes wasn’t there anymore.
The boy blinked, dropping his baseball bat. A tear dripped down his cheek and trembled on his chin.
I’m not here.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
If you made it, here’s a cookie. *🍪*
Okay, here is context. This is based on real life for me. For example when Seb got his hand stuck on his face – I based that on my own experience, not imagination. It’s called dissociative depersonalization.
(I am quite used to dissociation, in case anyone worries about me. I am not, I repeat NOT, traumatized. 😉)
So, questions. Anyone can chip in their answers. Is there enough description to understand what is going on with his emotions and senses? Is anything too confusing?
Thank you :]
“Everything is a mountain”
oh right, tags.
@mineralizedwritings @loopylin @freed_and_redeemed @rae @honestlyidontknowwhowantstoseethis“Everything is a mountain”
A Seb scene and a cookie in one post?? You spoil me.
*nibbles on cookie while reading*
Your writing is so good. Sorry if you were looking for criticism but I can’t think of much (so helpful). I’m not really sure what happened to Barnes? I’m thinking maybe Seb was stuck for a lot longer than he thought so she left at some point?
Anyway, I’ve had that happen a few times and you described it perfectly. It even brought back memories and sped up my heart rate a bit. (Don’t worry, I’m enjoying the story tension.)
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
Woah…
That was freaky…
I’ve never had that happen to me exactly, but I think I felt what Sebster Gangster felt. The shock, the confusion, the panic. If that’s what you want, you did good Whaley 🙂
I understand you get your drive from not sharing too much and making us go wild when you do share stuff but you really should post more stuff. Just think about it.
Question: what happened to Barnes? If that isn’t explained later, at least in part, it should be.
Another question: what type of cookie?
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)@whalekeeper the poor boi 😭😭
I think you described everything well! For someone that hasn’t been through that, I will be honest in saying that it took me a moment or two to kinda figure out what was going on, but I figured it out in time.
I agree with Loopy and RAE in that it’s confusing what happened to/where Barnes went
otherwise, it’s really good!
#BeardedSteveRogersIsSuperior
@loopylin @rae @freed_and_redeemed
Awesome, thank you all <3
Barnes “disappeared” but she’s actually close by, getting something to cheer him up. Probably a bag of baseballs.
For someone that hasn’t been through that, I will be honest in saying that it took me a moment or two to kinda figure out what was going on
Good to know. Since I was just writing what I knew, and this is a scene I wrote spontaneously yesterday, I should go through and add some clues to what’s going on around the characters.
I understand you get your drive from not sharing too much and making us go wild when you do share stuff but you really should post more stuff. Just think about it.
Okay I’ll think about it. XD
Another question: what type of cookie?
*Checks the box* You either took snickerdoodle, or white chocolate macadamia nut.
“Everything is a mountain”
You’re welcome 😊
and ok, that clears some stuff up! Some more clues would definitely help, I think :3
#BeardedSteveRogersIsSuperior
Barnes “disappeared” but she’s actually close by, getting something to cheer him up. Probably a bag of baseballs.
Okay, that makes sense
You either took snickerdoodle, or white chocolate macadamia nut.
White chocolate macadamia nut? Never had that. And I’ve only had snickerdoodles once before. Hmmm hard desicion…I’ll take the white chocolate macadamia nut!
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Just stumbled across this. That was great!! Very interesting, it kept me wanting to read until the end to figure out exactly what was going on. Everyone else has already said some things about adding clues, and I would suggest adding one or two more as well. Other than that, good job, and thanks for the cookie!
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
Good choice.
Awesome, thank you! *Sees the cookie box is already empty* *Refills it with caramel popcorn*
It’s difficult to make this scene clear, because it is confusing from the character’s perspective. He is supposed to not know why this is happening. So… yeah. XD
“Everything is a mountain”
*gaspeth*
Whaley shared a sceneeeeeee 😱😆😆
*saves for later*
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
*Sees the cookie box is already empty* *Refills it with caramel popcorn*
Yum!
He is supposed to not know why this is happening. So… yeah. XD
Okay, that makes more sense.
"No! Monkeys should have pets, all monkeys should have pets!"
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