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Okay, so here’s a scene from my WIP. If you need a general plot summery to understand the situation, it should be in my start here post I made recently. I’m not completely sure I like how this turned out, and any feedback is appreciated! I’ll have a couple of random questions at the end.
Tauren shuts the door behind him with a thud. His boots scrape the ground as he backs away from the rotted wooden frame. Focus blurred for a second, he remembers with a wave of nausea to his abdomen why he was making this trip. Tauren turns to the side for a moment and pauses to pull at a lock of brown curled hair hanging by his eyes.
Get going now.
There will be no urgency. But the thought of never doing the inevitable before it is too late scares him.
Taking a few shaky steps forward, he glances anxiously around the long hallway. Glowing lanterns illuminate the miners’ hallways, in contrast to the more efficient and bright lighting of the farming district.
It’s okay, just break the news.
It’s not a big deal.
¾ of a mile separate Tauren and Lesli’s units. It’s a short trip for those used to walking, but every second he walks is a chance to reconsider the right choice. Are there ways to get out of it?
Why did I have to say that in a panic?
Lesli’s my best friend, and I lied to her.
The thoughts of regret mix with the unsettling darkness of the hallways into a heavy weakness that comes over him. Shutting his eyes, he shoves the thoughts aside in favor of reaching his destination.
8th hemel passage, unit 55.
Tauren’s nerves rack his body as he lifts his quaking hand to knock on the door. He calms his erratic breathing to a slow pulse, and knocks.
Take a step back. Act normal.
Nearly nothing serious had happened to them before. Lesli’s parents split a few years ago, and although it was rough for her, it brought the two of them closer together.
“Hello?”
Ah, Lesli’s mom.
“Oh, hi Tauren! I’ll go get Lesli.”
Lesli’s mom’s large brown eyes smile back at him as she shuts the door.
Tauren’s heart pounds heavily and steadily. Each second stretches to a perceived minute, providing threateningly valuable time to turn back.
He takes a deep breath, his soft facial features and fluid curls contrasting with his stiff coal darkened overalls.
“Oh Hey!” Lesli’s hazel eyes brighten upon getting a surprise visit.
“Hey.” Tauren looks at the floor. “Can we uh.. go over there? I needed to tell you something.”
Tauren points a little ways down the hall, just to get away from her door in case someone was nearby.
He looked sideways awkwardly, his brown eyes darting downwards to Lesli’s leather sandals.
“Uh.. sure.”
What’s up with him?
Lesli eyes him with curiosity.
“So.. yesterday you asked me about a kid in the mining district who had a new disease, and I uhh…said I didn’t know anything about it?” Tauren says quietly, fiddling with the hymn of his brown flannel.
“ Mhhm. I thought that was odd… because you live down there and everything?” Lesli looks over at Tauren, who averts his eyes away from her.
Just say it. Say it now.
“Uhm..” Tauren stammers in a nervous voice. “It’s actually me.. I just didn’t feel like telling you.”
Tears brim in Tauren’s soft brown eyes as he tries to force himself to look at her reaction.
“Oh.” Lesli looks down in stunned disbelief.
What’s it like? Why didn’t you tell me? So you actually lied? Don’t hammer him with questions. That’s not what’s important.
“Do you feel okay now?” Lesli asked, her initial concern covering the wave of other emotions.
“Yeah. It’s just… “ Tauren paused midsentence, feeling the wave of relief that comes with getting the worst out of the way. He looked up at Lesli, feeling the awkwardness drain and the comfort of a close friendship rush back.
“They said there’s like a 52% chance I die.”
Lesli’s expression changes to fear. Fear of the unknown, of the future, and fear that her closest friend of nearly 14 years could possibly not be there for some unknown event of her life.
Lesli covers her face with her hands.
“No…!” Lesli’s voice trails off somewhere into the maize of thoughts in her mind. Her slight form slowly shakes with the start of woeful tears.
Tauren shifts uncomfortably to his other foot.
I think she’s more upset than I am.
He looks over at her, her body seeming to crumple inward with her soul as she leans into the sad atmosphere.
Tauren, unable to watch her sadness grow so lonely, embraces her gently.
“It’s okay.”
“Thanks. But we don’t know that.” She says, leaning her face into his shoulder and sobbing quietly.
It’s so out of our control.
Tauren sucks in his slight embarrassment over the situation and hugs her a little tighter, listening as her sobbing quiets. He stares off into the distance behind her. This felt so familiar.
A while earlier, Lesli’s parents broke up. She was free to go where she wished. She stayed with her dad in the mining district for awhile and then would switch to live with her mom.
Tauren thought back to the familiar feeling of Lesli sobbing into his shoulder. Lesli would manage to tell him bits and pieces of the story, how her mom decided to lean on her privileged background instead of healing the family. He was getting used to it. For so long Lesli had felt like an older sister, their two-year age gap separating them from connecting at an deeply emotional level. But they had grown up. Only 14, the weight of the situation and her reaction caught him by surprise. Now 16, it didn’t feel so foreign to have someone want to relay on him for support.
Lesi’s sobbing becomes nearly inaudible, only the occasional shiver coming and going.
“Sorry. I had to tell you at some point.”
“It’s okay. Glad you did.” Lesli replied.
“Otherwise, after I die, you’ll come over to me all mad and be like ‘If you’re going to go out like that, at least tell me sooner’” Tauren said with a light laughter, and a couple of tears.
Am I supposed to laugh or cry at that…?
“Haha…“ Lesli wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “…Like I could even talk to you after you die.”
“Yeah…haha” Tauren laughed. The kind of laugh that raises your heart; yet has an artificial and brittle glee that could never exist it such a dismal space.
The two of them stood in the hallway, the air drained of awkwardness and instead filled with raw emotion.
Maybe… it really would be okay.
1. Can you tell who is thinking what? I used an odd format for their thoughts and want to make sure it’s not too confusing.
2. They are just friends. Is that obvious? I wasn’t sure. Be honest… lol I need to know if it doesn’t work.
3. The short story about Lesli’s parents breaking up might have a bit of a jarring entrance. It just doesn’t seem to fit in… idk.
4. Anything else?
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Very interesting. (So, does he die? You know, just wondering. I will probably go find your blurb after this)
- I think I could? Whatever confusion it could have caused should be smooth out after draft editing.
- More like a brother-sister relationship. I like it, although without having read anything else I wouldn’t be able to tell if it was something more.
- Hmm, a little I think. It felt a little out of place in the flow of this scene. I’m not sure, but then I haven’t been seriously writing for more than a few years, so I don’t know.
I love your names!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkThanks! He doesn’t die. I think the percentage was scewed, not sure the doctor has his best intent in mind (I know that sounds awful, it’s not as dark as it sounds.) I might change that part though…not sure I want to go there.
I’ll have to consider finding a better place for the part about Lesli’s parents, yeah it doesn’t flow great.
Thanks! Picking names is one of my favorite parts of writing 🙂
Thanks for the feedback!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
1. I’m not used to omniscient POV, but once I figured it out it went smoothly 😄
2. It was definitely obvious to me that it is a brother-sister kind of thing, like Koshka said. Since I don’t see this relationship as often in fiction anymore, applause to you!
3. Just a little, but I wouldn’t remove it completely. Maybe spread it out thinner, throughout previous\later chapters. But it was relevant to what was going on, so it’s good that you mentioned it.
4. I got a hint of what was hurting him in the beginning. What is it?
I love the name Lesli 😋
“Everything is a mountain”
Hmm that’s a good idea! I’m really going to have to think through how I include Lesli’s bit because I’m hoping to so a graphic novel, and I think flashbacks work I little differently in those.
I’ll try to explain what’s hurting him best as I can. So basically he found a plant in a dark crack in a wall, and decided to take it home. He cares for it for a good while in hopes of giving it to lesli when It’s a bit stronger. At some point it flowers a really strange flower, He’s a bit of put bit continues taking care of it. Also, the flower only thrives in darkness, that becomes important later on. It’s kinda like fungi, releasing spores to spread itself instead of dropping seeds. Well, it’ll grow in nearly anything, (or should I say anyone?). He takes of his glasses to get a closer look at the flower and some of the spores get in his eye. So he starts becoming a little blind in one eye. It takes them a little while to figure out the source of his disease, but once they do it’s a big deal. The plant is a result of a sorta biological form of warfare, from the very war they in bunkers to escape.
Don’t worry, it turns out okay 😅
Thanks! I have so much fun picking names. Idk what her last name is though.
Really sorry about the spelling errors, I can’t correct them easily because kingdom pen only shows a portion the the screen when I type from my phone.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
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