Sam I am: Doom, Glitter, and Iphones

[Anonymous]

Hey ya’ll!
I’ve got a short story (Well half of one) I’d like to post on my blog in a day or two, if any would be so kind as to critique it and tell me what they think I would be forever grateful. 🙂

I sloshed through the door, glitter wafting out of my hair with each step. I ignored the sparkles, though they’d likely fall in the carpet and make mom angry. I shut the door behind me with one last shiver.
Said mother sat at the table just inside the dining room, sifting through the mail. I dropped my backpack and pulled off my damp shoes. They were going to smell if I didn’t dry them soon. At the moment I didn’t care. They were cold, wet, and covered in pink glitter. They deserved to smell.
I took that thought back when I realized it perfectly described me.
“How was school Sam?” Mom asked without looking up.
I shed my coat and hugged myself as I wandered into the dining room, searching for a vent. The middle of February wasn’t the best time to take a stroll outside in wet socks. They’d be frozen to my feet by now.
“It was great mom.” I said, my voice edged with more than a little sarcasm. I found the vent and stood over it, feet prickling as feeling flooded back.
“Quit with the sarcasm and tell me how….” Mom finally looked up. I lifted my arms so she could see the full extent of the sparkly mess.
“I know. I look like I stood in front of a leaf blower loaded with glitter.” I said.
           “Samuel! What…”
           “You know that friend of mine? James? I hate him.” I leaned on the table and started peeling off my socks. Mom crossed her arms.
           “Alright, out with it. What happened?”
I glanced up and opened my mouth.   
           “Start at the beginning.” She said.

(break)
          

“Come on Sam.” James pleaded.
I heaved my backpack over my shoulder, shaking my head. Why I’d chosen James as my friend I don’t know. The senior was like an old puzzle; he was a few pieces short of a complete picture.
           “No. It’s your fault you left your phone in the gym. I have a life. I’m not going to be your runner.” I said. Drama students edged around us, gabbing as they squeezed into the auditorium entrance.
           “Come on Sam! Mr. Johnson with give me a tardy! Five get you kicked out! I’ve already got four!”
           “And whose fault is that?” I asked. I sounded a bit cruel, I know, but I doubted Mr. Johnson would kick James out of the play. He was the lead role, after all. Everyone knew James had the best voice in school, though his acting skills could leave you yawning. He’d always had specific talents like singing and begging his parents for money, whereas I’d always been the average Joe. I wasn’t athletic enough to make any sport team, couldn’t play a single instrument in band, and even if I could, had stage fright so bad I’d blacked out giving a speech in third grade. I wasn’t smart enough to be a geek, either. I was in that in-between realm where I could pull off a B in chemistry but, as it turned out, was still stupid enough to cave in to James.
           “And he’ll probably throw in a detention just for fun. If I don’t text my mom about the unscheduled practice she’ll ground me!”
           “Because the last time you were late from school it was because you drove over a fire hydrant. Again, not my fault.”
           “She worries for no reason. Could you please do it for me? For your friend? It will take you five minutes. ” James said.
I rolled my eyes up, caught a stain on the ceiling, and stared at it. I was shaped like a hippo.
James was right. It would only take me a few minutes and he was one of my few real friends. Besides, what was so pressing? It wasn’t like I had a date or something.
Now that just made me sad. You didn’t have to remind me of that, Sam. Now I was talking to myself in third person. I was going crazy.
“Fine. I’ll get your stupid phone.” I said.
           “Thanks man.” James’s face split into a smile.
           “Whatever.”
           “Are you coming James?” Someone called.
           “Gotta go.” James turned to join the thinning stream of students.
           “I don’t know why I help you.” I murmured. I watched James enter the auditorium before heading toward the gym. I had a long way to go.
           I journeyed through the halls, passed a few classes that were still in session, and then cut through the pool area. I edged around the puddles trying to keep my shoes dry. The swim coaches’ whistle echoed off the walls and I jumped. The swimmers launched off their platforms into the water, powerful strokes propelling them forward. I tore my eyes away, found the exit, and stepped into yet another hallway. The gym entrance was just around the corner.
I jogged into the next hallway.
I jerked to a stop, tiptoed backward, and hid behind the corner.
Snap.
I peeked around the edge of the hall. Three boys stood in the hall on the other side of the gym door, talking about heaven knew what the principle wouldn’t approve of. Dylan, Levi, and King, or as I fondly called them, Shorty, Beanpole, and His Ugliness. They met me last quarter and have been after my life ever since.
Not really, but that’s what it felt like. Some people just don’t know how to relax. I edged back. I’d have to detour down a few extra halls, but it was better than having a chat with the S.B.U. gang.  I retreated and eventually found the gym’s other entrance.
Basketball practice had yet to start so I was alone. I stepped onto the court, shot an invisible basketball into the hoop, then made my way over to the bleachers. James had said his phone was on the home side, right?
A bench covered with an assortment of coats and bags begged for my attention. James’s black jacket sat crumpled in the middle.
           I rifled through its pockets. Nothing. Did James leave his phone lying around? As if a brand new IPhone 6s didn’t shout ‘Steal me!’ enough already. I continued searching the jacket and those around it. Where was it? I glanced further up the bench. A white IPhone shone face down on the bench like a fallen angel. Aha! I snatched it up. I found you my precious.
           “Hey Sam.” A voice said.
           I whirled around, instinctively hiding the iPhone behind my back. Brittany stood at the other end of the bench, a smile that looked like a forced apology plastered on her face.
Oh no. Whenever Brittany showed up, I managed to fail ten times harder than I usually did. We’d been friends in middle school, but she’d been much less pretty then. Now with her black hair and magazine worthy complexion she was enough to make any guy feel as awkward as a three-legged fawn. She’d been at my 16th birthday last month and it hadn’t ended well. Fire was involved.
I too, plastered on a smile. Keep it cool, Sam. You can do this. Nothing would catch fire other than my cheeks, which were already burning.
           “Hey Brittany.”
           She gave me that flickering smile and leaned to the side, trying to see behind me.
           “Um, why do you have my phone?” She asked.
           Snap. I’d grabbed the wrong phone.
           “Oh this is yours?” I pulled the phone out from behind my back and clicked it on. The only thing that registered was that the background picture was some boy, probably her boyfriend. I handed it over before I could get a good look at him.
           “Sorry.” I said. Brittany took her phone and slid it into her pocket, eyeing me warily.
Alright Sam, now say something cool to make up for it.
           “So was that your boyfriend?” I motioned toward her phone.
Why did I ask that? What was wrong with me? I’d practically just admitted I liked her. Epic failure number one.
Her perfectly plucked eyebrows drooped. “Um, no. That’s my little sister, Sophie.”
Fail number two.
           “Oh good.” I said, trying to recover.
SHUT UP SAM! Now you’ve flat out told her you’re crushing on her. Why don’t you tell her you stalk her Instagram as well?
           “I mean, sorry that’s not what I… I thought I saw a manly face so I just assumed…” I stuttered.
I couldn’t believe I was messing up this badly. Britney’s frown deepened with every word I said. I might as well kick her dog and punch her in the face the way I was going.
           “Excuse me?” She said.
           “I’m sorry for…existing. I’ve got to go.” I spotted another IPhone a bench higher and grabbed it, clicking it on. Some brunette chick stared at me from the background. James had told me he had another girlfriend.
           I headed toward the nearest door at a jog. Sometimes I wondered if you looked up stupidity on the internet if my face would appear in the definition.
           I glanced back once I reached the door. Britney had pulled her phone out of her pocket. The blue light reflected off her face as she turned it on. She suddenly looked up at me.
           Oh no. she couldn’t catch me awkwardly staring. I shoved open the door.
           “Sam, wait, you have…” The door swung shut, cutting off her words. I leaned my back against it. Phew. I made it out alive.
           “If it isn’t Samuel Jones,” Said a voice.
           Scratch that, I was still in danger. I’d picked the wrong door. I slowly turned toward King (His ugliness) and his gang.
           “What…?” I stuttered. “This isn’t Sam. It’s his clone” I said in a robotic voice “….um….Sam two point O.” I took a step back.
           King crossed his muscled arms. The reason I called him His Ugliness was because he was the opposite. He was one of the better known kids, sun colored hair perfectly combed with shining teeth that had never suffered braces. His skin was so flawless I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he used makeup.
           His two buddies, Dylan (Shorty), and Levi (beanpole), stood by his side, the tyrants constant companions. I wished weren’t so loyal. King treated them like a rock stuck between the ridges of his Converse. They also did whatever King told them, and since King liked to bother me, his commands generally involved pushing me to the edge. As his nickname hinted, Dylan was quite short; in fact, the top of his head didn’t even reach my chin. His large eyes hid behind classy glasses and a bowtie clung to his collar; he was a miniature version of every other hip millennial, skinny jeans included. Levi, as his nickname also hinted, was as tall and skinny as a starving Giraffe. He leaned toward the skateboarder look with the backward snapback and the dreadlocks.
           Yes, I just stereotyped them for you. You’re welcome.
           “What’cha doing Sam?” King asked, swaggering forward.
           I took another step back. It took every ounce of self-control not to turn tail and run.
           “Retrieving a friend’s phone.” I said warily.
           “Really? James’s phone, right? You know I could give it to him for you.” King said.
Mental note: never speak again.        
“Sure you would.” I said. I continued backing up. I was almost at the corner.
           “You don’t trust me?” King said. His strides were longer than mine; he’d be within arm’s reach in a few more strides. If it came to a tousle he and his buddies would have James’s phone before I could say snap.
           “Does a platypus trust a hippo?” I asked.       
           King stopped. “What?”           
           “I don’t know either.” I said. Then I dashed around the corner and made for pool room.
           I threw open the door, hating the second it cost me. Either I was the Flash or they were still confused about the platypus and hippo thing because they didn’t follow right away.
           I slipped into the pool area. Practice was still in session, but this time I didn’t watch them. I sped along the edge of the pool, taking the shortest path toward the exit. I was slightly occupied and didn’t keep in mind that when swimmers swim, they splash. Splashing means water outside the pool. Water is slippery.
           I leaned to turn the pool corner. My feet flew out from under me. Thanks to my tilting body, I didn’t fall straight back, but sideways, right into the pool.

Thanks! 🙂

[Anonymous]

I suppose I should tag some people. If ya don’t want to critique it, you don’t have to and if I didn’t tag you feel free to jump in. 🙂

@kate-flournoy @daeus @bluejay @dragon-snapper @emma-flournoy @overcomer @r-j-wordsmith @Christi-eaton @everyone

[R. J. Wordsmith]

@winter-rose This is definitely good, you do an amazing job of projecting personality and conveying mood. You used ‘I’ in some places a little too frequently, and there are some rough spots. A couple of sections, instead of moving the plot along, hint a little that they are disguised information reveals. Various words and phrases could be condensed to move things a little smoother, for instance instead of “Britney had pulled her phone out of her pocket. The blue light reflected off her face as she turned it on.” you could try “Brittany’s phone was out, blue light reflecting off her face as she pressed the ‘on’ button.” Of course, this is all just my opinion. It’s up to you as the writer to decide what suggestions will match best with the flow of your story. Overall I think you have a great piece here. How long is it in total?

[R. J. Wordsmith]

Oh, by the way, what is your blog called? I’d enjoy reading some of your other work.

[Ingrid]

@winter-rose
WOW. I noticed a few things about this.
1. The protagonist’s voice is hilarious. Don’t change a thing about Sam’s personality.
2. I think the first scene is really good, but I’m not sure it’s necessary for the story. Everything after Sam starts telling about his day is amazing, just maybe think about putting the scene with his mom in a different place…? Maybe?
3. All of the characters are very realistic. Great, fantastic, fabulous, wonderful job with that.
4. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!! You simply MUST post the next chapter. 😉

A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

[Snapper]

@winter-rose
First off, may I just say that I found this story very amusing!
For one, I agree with @ingridrd that the scene with his mom should be moved to another place. Perhaps after Sam’s tale and he comes home, the mom says “Start from the beginning”, and that would be the ending.

☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀

[Gracie]

@winter-rose I love this!! Have you written the rest? Assuming that this is only part of it, I actually think it’s pretty cool how it started out with his mom and the glitter. As soon as I finished I was left wondering how in the world we were going to get from falling into the pool to coming home coated in glitter, and I really like that. 😄 Sam is hilarious! I was wondering if you’ve written other stories about him because the title seems to imply other Sam I Am stories. I really enjoyed reading this, and aside from a few grammatical typos, I don’t there’s anything that needs changed. 😄😄😄 (Not like I can talk about correct grammar. Sheesh, just look at this disaster.) 😉 Great job!

*is probably geeking out about something*

[Kate Flournoy]

Wow, this is amazing Gabrielle. Hilarious. You did an excellent job with Sam’s voice. They pretty much already covered what needs covering. Thumbs up on characterization. I want the rest of this. 😉

@Winter-Rose

INFP. kateeverythingwriting.wordpress.com

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much all of you! 🙂 A few of you guys mentioned moving the beginning scene; I was actually going to frame the story with a scene with Sam and his mother at the start and at the end (which isn’t up yet of course:) ). I’ll post the other half of the story for critique hopefully tomorrow or Thursday so you can better judge if it fits with the over all story :). @dragon-snapper @Ingridrd @kate-flournoy

@graciegirl
Thanks for the feedback! 🙂 Ahh grammar, both my friend and my enemy 🙂 . I’ve written a rough draft of the rest, but it needs a bit of polishing before I post it for critique. I actually have written parts of other Sam I am stories, which I hope to finish and publish on my blog sometime after this one. 🙂

@r-j-wordsmith Thanks for the tips! 🙂 🙂 Condensing sentences and making sure they aren’t too repetitive is defiantly something I struggle with, so thanks for pointing it out. 🙂 The story so far is around 4,200 words. And my blog is https://thegreatrisingpuzzlement.wordpress.com/

[Emma Flournoy]

@Winter-Rose I agree with the others about the awesome characterization and all, though I do have something to say that’s maybe weird…no offense meant in the least of course and I know you know that so good. XD
Um…I don’t really see the point/purpose of the story…I mean, it’s not giving us anything good to strive for or promoting any specific good message, and seems just too ‘public school-y’, if you know what I mean. So while the storytelling is great I don’t see any purpose in the story. Ya get me?

Also mebbe I missed it but I didn’t see how Sam came to be covered in glitter. I saw him get wet…but where the glitter? 😛

And there were several punctuation/spelling things…the two things I noticed most were 1. lots of times you put a period after a spoken line instead of a comma, i.e. ‘You know I could give it to him for you.” King said.’ Since you say, ‘King said’ after the line he said, there should be a comma, not a period, directly after the line spoken. And likewise in numerous places throughout the piece.
2. Britney’s name was spelled two different ways—Britney and Brittany. 😛
Those were what I most noticed having to do with errors, but I may have forgotten some.

But really, your style is great, and I love Sam’s voice. Is he an INFP?

[Emma Flournoy]

Whew I took awhile writing that post…you’d not posted again when I started. Sorry ’bout that. 😛

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Emma Flournoy.

[Anonymous]

@emma-flournoy Thanks that’s really helpful! Theme is something I struggle with in short stories, (so no what you said isn’t weird 🙂 ) but that’s only half the story, so hopefully the theme becomes a bit clearer in the second half. 🙂 That’s where the glitter comes in as well. 🙂

Thanks for pointing out those errors. 🙂 You guys are all so helpful. 🙂

[Anonymous]

@emma-flournoy Oh I forgot to answer your question about his personality. I actually don’t know his type, but I’m an INFP and his voice is close to mine so I suppose that’s what he is. Funny you should guess that. 🙂

Oh yeah and could you clarify what you mean by too public schooly? Do you mean it seems a little too cliché in relation to public school or something else?
a thousand thank-yous!:) 🙂 🙂

[Emma Flournoy]

@Winter-Rose Actually at the time I thought that I didn’t know there was another part to the story…I thought that’s all there was. 😛 So…yesh.

Heheh…I knew you were INFP so I thought that might have something to do with it. 😉 He seems like one regardless though.

I didn’t mean it was too cliche in regards to public school…I’m sure public school is like that. 😛 I just thought because public school is like that (aka with lots of foolishness *cough* excuse me)…I guess I just didn’t like the setting. I don’t like girlfriend/boyfriend stuff, foolish public school teenagers, etc.—you know all that kind of stuff? I just…it’s kind of; I dunno…well, this is coming out real clear isn’t it? 😛 I guess I just don’t like reading about it, when that’s the accepted way of things and isn’t really going to be changed or have some redeeming quality. If you know what I mean? But, I also didn’t know there was another part… Anyway, I hope that’s somehow helpful? 🙂
It’s no trouble, I just wish I could explain what I mean a little clearer. 🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Emma Flournoy.

[Anonymous]

@emma-flournoy haha don’t worry I know what you mean. 🙂 I think the word you might be looking for is superficial and yes you are being helpful. 🙂

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