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- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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Hey Keepers!
When a writer has consumed two energy drinks and can’t fall asleep, it’s only natural that she writes a back-of-the-book blurb for her story at one in the morning.
Would you guys mind giving it a critique? Do I share too much about the story? I’m struggling with a few parts and want to hear your opinions.
Here it is:
A different bodyguard would give anything to protect a member of the Slate family.
Not Rook. Not if his ward was a lady.
Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls. Or at least, that’s what his fellow bodyguards assume. Rook has managed to avoid female charges for the entirety of his young career, and he’d like to keep it that way. But when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend, Rook starts his mission. He’s determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available, whether it’s by frustrating his ward and her shy fiancée into firing him or finding and convincing his mysterious employer to release Rook from the contract. But Amy needs his protection more than he realizes. Before he can drop the mission killers close in, giving him a choice. Will he run from the men who want Amy dead, or will he remain and risk repeating a past defeat he wishes to forget?
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir.
Not Rook. Not when he could fail her.
Thoughts?
Tagging: @Daeus @Kate-flournoy @dragon-snapper @ethryndal @emma-flournoy @ingridrd @graciegirl @Jane-maree @Mariposa @audrey-caylin @anyone else
P.S. Happy New Year!
@Winter-Rose I love how you tied it together at the beginning and end; nice work. 😀
Overall, I think it’s pretty strong. I do think you could cut this one line: Before he can drop the mission killers close in, confronting him with a choice. Will he run from the men who want Amy dead, or will he remain and risk repeating a past defeat he wishes to forget?
I see that there’s backstory there, but I think the blurb overall is stronger without it.
Also, I had to read the last line twice to get it’s meaning. At first I thought you mean he’d fail her on purpose because failing is preferable, so duh, why would he protect her? But when I read it again, I saw that he FEARS he will fail her, and that’s the problem. You could just replace ‘could fail her’ with ‘might fail her’.
Now I want to read this. 😀
@winter-rose Okay, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but it seems like him being afraid of girls is a little overemphasized.
Maybe if it were a little more concise, like this: Any other bodyguard would give anything to protect her.
Not Rook Warren. He is terrified of girls—or that’s what his fellow bodyguards assume. Rook has managed to avoid female charges his entire young career, and he’d like to keep it that way. But when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
I like the premise and I don’t think you are telling too much about the plot. It might be worth mentioning the name of his annoyed best friend though. 🙂
I hope your New Year is spectacular! Let me know when Rook is finished—I can’t wait to read it! 😃
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@kate-flournoy Ooooh you might be right. I do like that backstory, but it may be better without that line.
I was wondering if that could be taken wrong after I posted it. Thanks for mentioning it. 🙂
@mariposa Hm, you may have a point. I’m going to see if others takes it that way. Oh I do like that condensed version. I struggle with wordiness. I may have to trim it down a bit.Great! I’ll see if I can wiggle Peter’s name in there. 🙂
Thanks! I’m sure I’ll announce it here when I’m ready for betas 🙂
@winter-rose Be sure to put me and Aberdeen on your beta-readers-in-waiting list. 😁
@Winter-Rose ooh I love it. The others have said my thoughts basically, but I would echo that yes, my first impression was that it was a little long, so if you could cut down some of it, it might be better.
Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@winter-rose XD This sounds really funny
I’m guessing Rook is actually an alternate version of Sam, from another dimension?
I don’t have much experience with blurbs, but I like this one. It seems slightly long, like the others are saying.
“A different bodyguard would give anything to protect a member of the Slate family.
Not Rook. Not if his ward was a lady.”
Couldn’t you cut those two lines out, if you wanted? Because you explain again that he has to guard someone from the Slate family, and that he’s afraid of girls, and hint at his backstory, later on
Although those are two rather nice lines
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.@winter-rose I like it overall, but I’m confused on a couple of points.
First of all, the reason he doesn’t want to guard Amy… from the first line, it seems that he doesn’t like the Slate family. From the second line, it seems that he specifically doesn’t like Amy. From the third line it seems that he just doesn’t like girls in general.
I’m also a little confused on the backstory part. Has something happened in the past that causes him to not want to guard females? However, if you’re trying to make people interested in your book, it definitely works! 🙂
Besides That, it’s really good. Sounds like a fairly original story to me. If that was a blurb on the back of a book, I’d read it.
A Kapeefer for life!
Compendium of KP Literature: kapeeferliterature.wordpress.com- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Thanks everybody! I’ll take this troublesome blurb and see if I can whip up a suitable second draft with all of your feedback in mind.
@Mariposa 😀 I will.
@Jane-maree Alrighty. Thanks for the conformation! 🙂
@sam-kowal Truuuuue, but I do like how it frames the blurb. And I may cut out that last backstory thing. Perhaps if I make the first couple lines a little more vague it won’t seem like I’m being repetitive. I’ll see what I can come up with for the second draft.Haha not quite. XD Rook is a bit less agreeable. An less of a wimp. 😀 So it may be a problem if the blurb makes it seem like he is…I’ll have to work on that too. 🙂
@supermonkey42 Ah, gottcha. Thanks for telling me your impressions. It’s quite helpful to hear them. I’ll take the blurb and see if I can make the second draft clearer. And yes to your second question.Thanks! Good to know. Now if I could only get the blurb to cooperate….
I love your title, btw. 😀
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Alright! Second draft time.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least that’s what his fellow bodyguards assume. Thanks to a horrific failure staining his past, Rook has sworn off all female charges and has managed to avoid them for the entirety of his young career. But when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend Peter, Rook starts his mission. He’s determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available. Unknown to him, however, his protection is all but unneeded.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook.
Not when he could fail her.
What do you guys think? Do you like it better without “whether it’s by frustrating his ward and her shy fiancée into firing him or finding and convincing his mysterious employer to release Rook from the contract.” or is it too vague that way?
Thanks a ton, guys :).
@supermonkey42 @sam-kowal @jane-maree @mariposa @kate-flournoy@winter-rose Oh, I like this one! Hmm, I think it’s fine with or without “whether it’s by frustrating his ward and…etc.”
How about instead of ending with, “Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook,” reword it to “Another bodyguard would give anything to protect Amy, but not Rook” (since you’ve already established that she’s from Telir and that she’s wealthy). But still keep “Not when he could fail her” the same. Other than that, I’d say it’s pretty near perfect. 🙂
@winter-rose I like the new one! It read a lot smoother than the first, and I wasn’t confused. I don’t think you need the extra line; it adds too much info.
I really don’t see anything else I would change. *thumbs up*
A Kapeefer for life!
Compendium of KP Literature: kapeeferliterature.wordpress.com@Winter-rose perfect. 🙂
@winter-rose I love the updated one
I think there needs to be something more connecting the first sentence with the second, though.
It would work great early on to have
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
BUT Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least that’s what his fellow bodyguards assume.
The only problem is, you use ‘but’ later on with
But when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
which could change to
IT’S ONLY when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, THAT he is forced to take the job.
And that would link things together more
Changing the whole thing to
” Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
But cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least that’s what his fellow bodyguards assume. Thanks to a horrific failure staining his past, Rook has sworn off all female charges and has managed to avoid them for the entirety of his young career. It’s only when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, that he is forced to take the job.
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend Peter, Rook starts his mission. He’s determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available. Unknown to him, however, his protection is all but unneeded.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook.
Not when he could fail her. “
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.@Winter-Rose Well I basically agree with everything they’ve already said, so… yeah. *thumbs up* In all honesty, I seriously want to read this story. It sounds hilarious.
Only complaint is this:
But when the prodigy is anonymously–and specifically–requested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
The “prodigy” part had me confused for a couple seconds, because I thought you were talking about someone he needs to protect, not Rook himself—which made the entire sentence a little jarring.
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