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Hello @Gracie-J, @GodlyFantasy, @devastate-lasting, @nova-21 @anyone-else.
Here are some questions I have:
- Do you like Jade? I know he’s really a horrible person, but is he at least interesting?
- Would the scene where Marian and Jade are talking be better if I had Fabian trying to convince Jade that he is his brother in that scene?
- Is there anything I am needlessly repeating or overusing?
- I had to use a couple gun terms, are they understandable?
- Am I telling that Jade is out-of-sorts and hiding it?
- Can you point out where I should be showing instead of telling?
- At the end, were you asking any questions about the story?
- How do you feel about reading a sequel?
Thank you for reading!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
I divided the story into individual posts so that every time there would be a *** I start a new post.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Ice</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”>By Dawn Robin (ScoutFinch180)</p>
He had never killed a monster before. Not that he wasn’t used to killing. On occasion, he would kill people who stood in the way of the highest bidder… if he was bored. Mostly he preferred to deceive and steal from those who were wealthy and lived in luxury while the rest of the people lived in boring apartments and had boring food, boring clothes, and boring jobs.Jade knew, as he skimmed the surface of a forgotten ice-moon, that this would be a sufficient job to keep him interested. True, it would be more comfortable conning a lightheaded supermodel than have the sub-zero wind bore through his clothes and make his bionic limbs feel like blocks of ice – but going after difficult targets did tend to put a good many tokens in the account.
And the difficulty and discomfort was good to keep his mind off things – the cagey scientists that had asked him to go after an experiment on a thrid gone awry and ran away with a phial of a rare chemical they wanted him to steal back – would be happy to pay him a little extra than was needed to cover the cost of their medical attention… if he could bring back the body of the beast. Jade had considered turning the offer down, but it would be enough to spend a few days at a pleasure-station or buy the gold cover for his new bionic arm and leg he’d been wanting.
Jade turned into the jet-stream of a distant oxygen-generator to blow him along for a few miles. The whirring of the bike’s engine and the moaning of the distant, useless machine added depth to the wind as it howled through jagged peaks of ice that rushed to meet him up ahead. He swallowed as the little dot flickered with proximity on the screen inches from his face. The signal was being messed with by the wind and ice, but it was strong. Jade smirked behind his mirrored visor. The lizard had found a good place to die.
When he was at the foothills he veered left to avoid crashing – just in time as the wind pushed him close enough for his foot to scrape the snow. The cylinder in the top left corner of his visor flashed and told him he was three hundred yards away from the crash. He shut off the engine and the bike coasted a couple yards in the low gravity before landing a few inches above the ground. He dismounted and checked his tracker to ensure its functionality before switching on the cloaking device. If there was anything he definitely didn’t want, it was the Ladies of Artemis finding him, but he still had to be able to find the bike, or he’d have a long walk ahead which would leave him vulnerable.
He looked at the range of peaks ahead, searching for the best way up. As he eyed the path his gaze was drawn upward to the faint outline of the gas-giant’s belly imposing upon the whitish-blue sky. He let in a slightly raspy gasp and checked the air filter. It would be a few hours before he needed a change. He pocketed another wrapped in foil packaging, just in case.
He looked around, scanning for any signs of life. Nothing but his target. No other bounty hunters looking for a kill – but that was what Jade expected. No one else knew of this little job, except the scientists. People had good reason to stay away from the best thief in the galaxy: those who messed with him ended up imprisoned, very poor and very confused, or ruined in some other ‘unfortunate’ way… but always tricked.
Jade used the low gravity to leap to a handhold, then began to climb. His gauntlet of a hand gripped the ice as his metal foot kicked footholds. The climb was more effortless than it would have been six months ago – even with the weak gravity. The acid-bomb that had dissolved most of his right side, (namely his leg and some of his arm) and had demolished his fool brother… but that was why he wanted to keep his mind off things. Memory hurt more than a woman, a hangover, or a tricky task in freezing weather ever could.
He lifted himself onto the summit and sat, looking at the ocean of an anti-freeze dump spread out below – electric blue as his brother’s eyes. He wrinkled his nose as some of the sickly-sweet smell invaded his filter; it was no use remembering the dead. He stood and looked around, more symbols indicating everything it thought he needed to know. But all he needed currently was about a dark mass of machinery in the distance on the edge of the dump. He squinted and the screen zoomed in on a run-down oxygen-generator, the massive blades of its fan paralyzed and chipped in old age. Even from so far away, the machine appeared as big as a mid-sized space-station.
He rammed his fist into the ice and slid down the mountainside, his hand created a furrow and the low gravity turned his descent into a graceful glide – until he plummeted into one of the snowdrifts that banked this side of the mountains. Shivering and swearing from the cold, he returned to the daylight. Isn’t the spacesuit supposed to be able to handle these blasted temperatures? He dusted some snow off his shoulder. At least he had been able to get a suit that changed color to match the environment – or any color he wanted. Nonetheless, for all the tokens he spent it should have been warmer.
Jade crept close to the drifts; his eyes fixed on the looming generator as he hurried along. He always hated being so close to the outside of such large machines, it made him feel small – like he had never shaken the boy on the streets who made puppet-shows to get the money his mother wasted. He shook off the memory and thought through what he had to do as he would before pulling a heist or while getting ready to con a mark:
1: Find the thrid. Already doing that.
2: Kill the thrid. A giant blue lizard with scales that resisted almost all calibers of blaster – something like an iguana (a strange little creature that had been the pet of an old model he’d tricked into giving him her heart… and tokens). Although he had been provided with a top-of-the-line high-energy blaster, a thrid was much nastier than that passive lizard had ever been. So for good measure he had his old pistol in a holster at his hip. Should make short work of the thing.
3: Find the phial. Shouldn’t be too hard.
3: Drag the thrid over a mountain range and across an ice plain to his ship. Not so easy, but he could tow it with the bike.
4: Get the tokens the scientists had promised and hightail it to somewhere else before Marian and her ladies found out where he was.
Jade heard a loud clank and froze. Unseen, his eyes fixed on the generator as what he had not expected to see stood at the entrance. He dove into a snow-drift and tapped the side of his helmet: turning the mirror into an opaque white as he peered out of the drift for a second look. He cursed under his breath. Of course, he had been told that he was going after a highly intelligent thrid and to be prepared, but a thrid walking on its hind legs and in a spacesuit was not what he anticipated. He growled a sigh. Wasn’t it supposed to be trapped in a crashed spaceship?
The thrid looked at the drift before turning his eyes to the ocean. Jade took advantage of the moment to scramble to the arching side of the generator unseen. He took his rifle and pressed a button, it began to whirr as the energy built up inside it. He only had two shots before he had to put another charge in. Jade hissed through his teeth, inadvertently making another rasp of the filter. He knew he had good aim, but sometimes tense moments said otherwise.
The thrid jumped and looked around, up at the mountains, down at the snow, and towards Jade in time to see him blast a jet of yellow light at the thrid. The creature gave a noise between a shout and a scream as he ducked away from the blow, his hoarse voice drowning out the noise of the blast.
Jade pulled the trigger again and another blast hit the monster square in the chest. It reeled and hunched low, watching as Jade approached, deftly inserting another charge – it would take a few hits to penetrate those scales. It spoke in a deep and rather garbled voice: “W-wait!”
Jade nearly dropped the rifle, then recovered from his shock and aimed.
The thrid spun. Its thick and surprisingly long tail knocked Jade’s bionic leg out from under him and he fell on his side, the ice sending shockwaves to rattle his teeth. He rolled away just in time for the thrid to snatch away the rifle and run towards the generator.
Jade got up and darted after it. The monster turned around as Jade approached and gave him another whack with its tail that sent him flying across the interior of the generator and crashing into the twisted wing of a spaceship. Jade staggered to his feet; the thrid switched his rifle to stun and a faint purple flash ignited in the barrel. Jade cursed, This is not how I wanted this day to go.
He ducked behind another broken piece of spaceship then fled out and towards the sea as the monster pursued. Jade drew his gun and fired a shot, the thundering bang as the bullet left the barrel shattering the air. Missed. He spun on his heel to face the approaching monster.
Jade stood cornered on the edge of the ice, thinking in the speed of a force-field disintegrating. If he didn’t make a hit this time, he was dead. He pointed the end of his pistol and pulled back the slide, a bullet clicking into the chamber. Before he could shoot, the thrid hit Jade in the chest and sent him careening backwards into the anti-freeze and the pistol flying from his hand.
The filter choked up as his muscles froze. He held his breath as his bionic limbs recovered and he scrambled for the surface. As his arm reached up and he sank a hand reached for him like death as everything went dark.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
A sharp bang crashed Jade into consciousness. He stared at the metal ceiling, it looked so like the one he stared at on his ship every morning he didn’t remember that he wasn’t home until another clank dug into his ears. He cringed and shut his eyes as his neck rotated his head. He had asked the surgeons to make his face and neck look the way they used to be, but he wanted them to keep some of the pain present.
When his eyes opened, he saw the monster seated at a workbench, holding Jade’s metal leg as he scrubbed it with a steel brush, unaware of his guest. Jade reached for the blaster at his side, only to find he was in his underwear.
His heart fluttered, he pushed himself upright before his right arm buckled beneath the pressure. He rolled his crippled limb out from under him with a grunt of pain. His gaze travelled from his solitary ring and pinky finger shriveled with partially healed acid burns to where the grey sheets should have draped over his right leg, someone had taken off that, too. What was he doing here, with that thrid over there? He must be waiting to become that thing’s dinner.
Jade looked around the room, scanning for any exits, something that may look like what the scientists wanted, or weapons. there was a fireplace that looked like it was made of an escape pod’s engine, connected to a series of pipes that lead up towards a flat ceiling. There were metal walls and a metal floor, their leaden grey scarcely reflecting the faint yellow illumination that looked like the light outside. But Jade rested in a sort of alcove with three beds all scooched together and as he was in the middle, there was no real way to see the exits.
He took a better look at the monster, it had removed its spacesuit and was now wearing a pair of well-fitting trousers, his broad chest exposed to reveal the muscle that rippled under his scales. Jade frowned; the monster had clothes? And it was fixing something – something that belonged to the man who had tried to kill him? Was this some sick dream? Jade looked at the claw-like hands (or hand-like claws) that held the leg and brush, their length was proportionate to the lizard, and they appeared strong. The scales were thick, and it’s nails somewhat curved and sharp, but it had just as much dexterity as a human. An anthropomorph? The top scientists in the galaxy had all been scratching their heads over this, and now someone had cracked whatever code produced such a wonder: no brainer they wanted the thing’s body back along with whatever Jade had to steal.
No use pretending to sleep now that I have had a chance to view my siuation. Jade cleared his throat and yawned.
The thrid jerked its head up. When its eyes rested on Jade it paused. Before Jade could say a word, it opened its mouth and somehow managed to make words come out by moving its tongue in differing ways and maneuvering its jaws as if he was a puppet, “D-o ya feel alright?”
Jade rubbed his eyes and stared at the face questioning him. He answered slowly as he propped himself up with his undamaged arm and spoke in his much more polished voice, concealing his natural flat accent: “Fine enough, thank you.” He scanned the room again, “Where are my clothes?”
The monster glanced to the part of the room Jade couldn’t see; “Drying.”
Jade leaned back, “I hope you hung them to dry?”
The monster nodded, “Yes.” And went back to scrubbing the leg.
Jade cringed as the steel bristles scraped over the dark green metal: “I just had that tinted.”
The monster chuckled – a sort of low growl, “A fancy leg, that is!” it gave a sort of off-kilter smile. He pointed with his brush, “Goes w-ith yar p-retty hair.”
A muscle bulged in Jade’s jaw and he swept his long, ashy-brown waves out from under his head. Many men gave him no mercy for wanting to dress nicely, but they all looked the same, all had short hair, lackluster clothing habits, and if bionics like Jade’s, usually muted and a sort of steel or (if they were extremely wealthy) imitation skin. Too many people wanted camouflage, Jade would rather stand out.
The thrid got to its feet, “I should check yar vitals, th-ough ya say ya are fine.” the monster took up some sort of small, elongated thing that looked dangerous and approached Jade. While the monster had no aura of malice about it, and it spoke good naturedly, Jade could not help shrinking away from the creature and squirming when it reached for his head. The monster laid a heavy claw (hand?) on Jade’s present knee, “Settle down, I w-on’t…” the monster shut his eyes and mouthed the next word before forcing it to his throat, “B-ite. I know I half face uf thrid.”
Jade looked up at the creature as he shrank under the hand. The eyes as they peered down the long muzzle were large and round, the irises chemical blue and circular pupils instead of the gash-like slits its kind usually had. Jade forgot his fear momentarily, the expression in those eyes… he had seen it before, and never understood it.
As Jade stared at lizard, the thrid held up a mouth-scanner. “It’s no w-earon… I m-ean, w-ea-pon.”
Jade opened his mouth and let the white stick go under his tongue, his eyes trained on the beast. Speaking around the medical instrument, he said, “Tho, why an I ear?”
The thrid removed the scanner and examined small symbols and colors that arrayed themselves on it, “Gud. B-ut ya are still w-weak… and tell m-e w-hat ya w-want ta kn-ow later.” The monster went out of view and returned with a grey jacket that was big enough for Jade to fit his leg in one of the sleeves, “Na idea if this’ll fit ya.” It laid out the jacket on one side of the bed and pulled aside the sheets so cold air prickled Jade’s skin. “B-ut it’ll kee-p ya w-arm w-while yar cluths dry.”
Jade sat up, “That looks like it’s your size.”
The Monster shrugged, “Eh, it’s mine, b-ut ya are nigh naked.”
Jade reached for it and the monster took hold of his wrist. The cold, scaly hand’s texture seeped into him. He jerked back, rubbing his wrist, “I can do it.”
The monster’s eyes unzipped the front of the jacket, “Un hand can’t do ‘ell wit zi-pp-ers.”
Jade sighed, it was probably best to obey the thing anyway. The thrid propped up Jade so he could put his arms through the sleeves without having to use his stomach-muscles too much. The monster did its weird grin, as if to dispel the aura of irritation that hovered around Jade. Jade refused to return any sort of smile. It was humiliating to have to be helped by this gaint blue lizard. The monster said: “Ya r…est ‘ile I get ya a snack and a drink.”
Jade huffed then focused on keeping his expression stoic as the monster went away, the tight pain of his burnt skin unrelieved by the pain-killers in his bionics told him he was awake, but this all felt strange. He had to get out of here.
The monster returned with a food bar and a metal bottle, “Here.”
Jade took the bar and nibbled at the edge, then sniffed the contents of the bottle. Satisfied that neither were poison, he allowed himself to satisfy his hunger, “Where am I?”
The monster gestured around the room, “M-y hut.”
Jade swallowed a sweetened chunk of the bar, “But where is it?”
“Ya ant curdinits?”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “Coordinates?”
The Monster shrugged, “I na a-b-out thus.”
Jade pushed his hair behind his ear and stared at the place he had hit the monster. There were a few signs of abrasion and bruising, but nothing major. He swallowed, that was the most powerful energy-blaster available.
The Monster fingered the place, “Ya na nothing of thrid scales.”
Jade nodded, “Hmm.” I should shoot it in the mouth next time.
The thrid pulled up a stool and sat by Jade, “I na w-hy ya try ta kill ‘e.”
Jade choked on his drink. “Then why am I here?”
The monster looked down and away, running his hand along his spines. He opened his mouth, then closed it, frowning at the ground before saying, “I dan’t na exactly w-w-hy. Pr’aps – p-er-haps – ‘cause humans should hel-p humans… and o-ften w-e don’t.”
Jade pushed back his hair, smirking; “But you’re a thrid.”
The monster looked down at his hands.
Jade shrugged, “From my experience, humans only help humans if they intend to get something from them.” Jade crossed his arms, “So really, why did you bring me here?”
The monster got up and muttered, “’Cause,” he sat by the workbench, taking the metal arm in his hands and scrubbing at it, “life is p-recious.”
“Well, suit yourself.” Jade saw the gleam of his gun’s handle by where the brush had been set, too far to grab from here, and the thrid had no intentions of killing him yet. I may as well get what I can from him and find out more about the state of things. “So, Thrid, since I am your captive, I think I have a right to know what you are going to do to me.”
The monster jerked as if he had touched an open wire. “I… intend ta send ya a-w-ay ‘en ya better…” the monster looked at Jade, “‘eye the w-ay, w-ut’s yar nam – I m-ean – na-m-e?”
Jade bridled; it was best not to share if he could help it.
The thrid shrugged, “I don’t w-ant ta call ya killer, and I d-on’t w-ant ya ta call m-e thrid… m-akes u-s f-feel like ani-mals.” The monster put a hand on his breast in the usual gesture of introduction, “I am Fafian.” The monster frowned and looked down, “Fa-b-ian.” Fabian opened his mouth again, seeming to move as if he wanted to say something more, but instead he gestured towards Jade, “And yars?”
Jade rolled his eyes; of course, the stupid animal had to have the same name as his brother. Har-de-har-har. But this was a monster with a name, nothing more. “You can call me… Jake – short for Jacob. It’s pretty easy to say, too.” And I have used it as an alias before. He glanced at Fabian as he stared at him. He rubbed his eyes, “If you want to know my job, I suppose it’s fairly obvious: I’m a thief and con-man. Sometimes I take a killing on the side…” Jade smiled, “Basically an all-around scoundrel.” He glanced at the monster’s blank face, he shrugged, “It doesn’t take much brain-power to know that you probably survive for a living… unless there’s some hobby of yours or something that you do like cleaning machinery.”
Fabian opened his mouth then closed it, he looked back down at his work and scrubbed. “I s-ur-vive… and defend. Ya w-ant m-y b-rain.”
Jade yawned, “Attached to your body, preferably.” What was up with him? “Night, thrid…” He would have to rest up so he could plot his escape. He turned away and closed his eyes, he should have had some time before jumping into work again, his brother’s presence kept on hovering around him, as if his soul was reluctant to detach itself from Jade. Maybe he should’ve asked the scientists if they would let him go do some minor jobs for a while before forcing him to go after this… this… thing. He had never even asked them to help him. They turned up and offered to give him some bionics if he did them a favor while he was in the hospital. Jade squeezed his eyes tighter and soon drifted off to sleep.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
For a few minutes after he woke up, Jade laid in bed pretending to sleep. In of the possible moves he could take; he was trapped until Fabian decided he should leave. Jade shifted again, pretending to slowly wake. I may as well enjoy what I can of Fabian’s hospitality.
“Marning… Jake.”
Jade sat up and feigned a yawn, “Is it morning?”
Fabian shrugged “N-ot necessarily. The days here last months, and ya have a full day ahead.”
Jade rubbed his eyes, “How so?” he almost smiled, “I’m stuck on this ice-rock with you.”
Fabian lifted the metal arm and leg from the workbench and laid them on the bed. “Ya can ga… ugh! g-o, hum… n-o, h-o-me. I’ll give ya all things ya ow-n.”
Jade snatched up his bionic arm and slid his thin limb into it, the reassuring pressure of the metal as it gripped his arm and attached itself to his shoulder soothed his tight skin. Jade’s brow furrowed as he moved his arm about: “Why are you allowing me to leave?”
Fabian looked up, “Ya are… human. Ya have a hum – maybe a family? Even if y-ou are a sc-oundrel?”
Jade laughed, his voice so devoid of the usual softness that came with the right kind of mirth that it sounded cold, “You are as bad as my brother!” I have no one. Jade stopped laughing and sighed, it looked like his first destination after getting the money for Fabian would be going to a pleasure-station, and drink, lots of drink.
Fabian nodded and disappeared behind the metal wall, “Nat here. Nat this life.”
Jade slipped on his metal leg, bending his knee, and wriggling the metal toes. “You talk nonsense.”
Fabian reappeared with Jade’s backpack, “Da I?”
Jade sighed, “Well, if you mean the Home Planet, the coordinates lead into the center of a star.” Jade grinned to hide a frown, “The universe is all one big joke. The lot of us are nothing more than a bunch of animals trying to scrape a living, and that’s the end of it.” Fabian opened his mouth as Jade swept a lock of hair out of his face, “Where are my clothes?”
Fabian closed his mouth and went behind the wall again, reappearing with the articles that Jade had requested, his spine rigid as a rod of metal. “Ya’d rather nat kn-ow if there w-as sum-thing m-ore ta life?”
Jade pursed his lips and shook his head as Fabian handed him his shirt. “Rather not. I may look like I’m young, and I am – but…” his carefree expression creased, experience says another story. “Nevermind.” Jade forced a smile before fussing with his belt. What am I doing talking like this and what in the name of blackholes am I doing opening up to a stinking lizard? He shrugged off the tension: “I am done with this subject.”
Fabian leaned forward as Jade did some last finishing touches to his attire, “But don’t ya think that this is–”
“You did a decent job with these clothes, Fabian. Few wrinkles or stains or anything.” Jade picked up his spacesuit and examined it, “You’ve been quite busy.”
Fabian opened his mouth and closed it again. He shrugged, “I haven’t m-uch t-o d-o… and ya like ta sleep.”
Jade shook back his hair, “It is boring here.” He glanced at the desk, the blaster wasn’t there, but he noticed a bulge in Fabian’s pocket. It won’t be boring for long.
Fabian watched as Jade shoved his limbs into the suit and zipped up the front, “I can sh-ow ya the w-ay ou-t af here.” Fabian handed Jade his backpack. “I w-an’t give ya yar b-laster till I nat thare.”
Jade shut his eyes and breathed deeply, “Where is the way out?” he slung his backpack on one shoulder.
Fabian motioned Jade to follow him. they went through a front room full of differing apparatus and approached a door that looked like it belonged in a spaceship. Jade paused and glanced around the room, the blaster the scientists had given him was propped up in the farthest corner. No point making a grab for that.
Fabian opened the door and Jade pushed past him. In one motion his hand slipped into Fabian’s pocket and drew out the gun, hiding it in his backpack as he stepped out into a garden of oxygen-producing fungus.
Jade’s eyes followed the contour of the strange and plant-like shapes as they curved and sharply angled, covering every surface of a room big enough for a whole living complex. Jade shut his eyes and took in a breath of the pure air… he opened them and stared at the golden, starlike spores that hovered all around him. He took hold of his gun and looked down at it, there was no time to admire even the rarest of spectacles.
Fabian shut the door to his hut, “Ya’ll need these, air’s t-o-xic aut there.”
Jade jerked back to himself and turned to Fabian who was holding his helmet and an oxygen-tank under one arm. Jade put his hands behind his back, tucking the blaster into his belt, “Smart living situation you have here.”
Fabian rubbed his spines, “W-asn’t hard t-o m-ake. W-we’re in a Generator. I j-ust m-made the h-ou-se.” Fabian offered the items to Jade, “Ya need these.”
Jade took them in his hands. He set the helmet on his head, the opaque setting turning the room dark. He took a breath, “You changed the filter.”
Fabian nodded, his eyes fixed on Jade as he geared up, squatting in front of his pack. “Had un in yar p-o-cket.” Fabain opened his mouth and closed it again, he stared at Jade’s hands as they rifled around in his backpack, “J-ake?”
Jade almost shook back his hair before realizing that it was pinned down, he flushed, “I hate to do this Fabian…” he leapt away, drew his gun, and pointed it at Fabian’s face, “Where’s the vial?”
Fabian stuttered, “V-vial?”
Jade pulled back the slide, “The one you stole from my employers?”
Fabian took a deep breath, “I didn’t ta-ke anything besides a spaceship and f-ood! Search m-y h-ouse, there’s n-o-thing.”
Jade raised an eyebrow, “I have trouble believing that.”
“I a-m be-ing h-onest! And if ya sh-oot me, ya w-ill regret it!”
Jade’s tracker began to beep. He shook the sound out of his ears, there was no time to worry about what he knew was ahead, “Look, if I don’t get that vial, I’m a dead man.” he seethed, “I’ve had it pretty bad for a while now, so I’d really appreciate a break!” The roar of a spaceship landing and the frantic beeping of Jade’s tracking device crashed down on his ears, but he needed no technology to know who it was…
“W-hat’s ha-pening?”
Jade glowered at Fabian, “Get me out of here, now!”
Fabian, instead of attacking Jade or fleeing, hurried up a flight of metal stairs and toward a door nearly encrusted in fungus. He turned a crank in the center and grey light issued into the golden room. “It’s safe far a gud three yards ut the dur.”
Jade darted out into the interior of a broken-down oxygen-generator. The bang rang in Jade’s ears as the door slammed behind him, he was alone. He set down his backpack. It was no use hiding or running, Marian would find him either way. He looked out at the landscape; a blizzard had turned the scenery a solid white. How was he going to kill the monster and get that stupid vial? But Fabian had said he had no idea what Jade was talking about. Jade swore, the scientists must’ve been lying and given his location away.
A clear, womanly voice rebounded in the chamber: “Drop your weapon!”
A feminine figure appeared from behind a piece of wreckage and Jade fired. She leapt back to dodge the shot and two other women emerged, training their guns on Jade. He took a shot at one of the other women and she staggered back as the first woman reappeared brandishing a blaster: “Don’t fire again Jade, or we will kill you.” Jade held up his hands, smiling as the woman who had spoken stepped forward, her albino face staring out at him from behind her clear visor: “Drop your gun.”
Jade smiled, “Missed me Marian?” he dropped his gun between his feet.
Marian’s nostrils flared as she kicked away his weapon, “You are under arrest.” Ten more women stepped out from the white fog, one of them crying as she pointed her shaking gun at Jade’s face. Marian jerked her head in the direction of the weeping girl, “You just killed her sister. Killing a sibling is quite the offense.” She leaned forward, getting close to Jade as she took out her handcuffs, “You should know better.”
Jade rolled his eyes, she cared an awful lot about humans for an elf, “I never know better.” he kicked her with his metal leg.
Marian flew back twice as far as she would have in any normal gravity level. As she landed, she somersaulted and righted herself in one fluid motion. She smiled, “You forget that such moves don’t work out well for you.”
But it had given Jade time to dive for his gun and shoot at the weeping girl. She dove out of the way and shot at him, grazing his shoulder.
As Jade clenched the wound Marian roared, “Leave her alone!” charged him and shot his leg, sparks flew from the blow and electricity swarmed his body, his muscles turned to water and he collapsed, his leg spasoming. He cursed, why is she such a good shot? He rolled his eyes, I could shoot off her head a mile away. But that was the trouble, only if she was a mile away.
She kicked him onto his stomach and pressed her foot on his back, “Nice try.” And poised her blaster inches from Jade’s face.
Jade stared up at Marian’s steely bluish-purple eyes, his body trembling as adrenaline pumped through him.
“Sta!”
There was a scream. Jade turned his head to see Fabian had stepped out of his apartment, dressed in his spacesuit. Fabian flung up his hands, “Don’t shut!” he bowed, “Ladies o’ Artenis… n-o, Arte-m-is. I…” Fabian stopped short as he looked at Jade, “I am Fa-b-ian. I ‘ee ya are abou’ ta kill Jake… I m-ean, Jade.”
Jade blinked slowly and stared back at Fabian. What in the name of the gods…
Marian stared at Fabian, her lips parted as she mouthed his name. she must be thinking the same thing… who knew what went on inside the telepath’s brain? But he had no time to wonder what was up with her. He took the opportunity to locate his blaster and slowly reach for it… he didn’t fancy whatever punishment he’d receive for his crimes, and for what he had heard his little brother say moments before his death.
The thrid raised his eyes to meet hers, he was almost trembling. Marian whispered, “Who are you?”
The monster’s face blanched, his eyes widened, and he looked around, “I an nadaddy… ack! Na-b-udy.”
Marian raised her eyebrows, “Really? Then why did you tell me your name?” she glanced at Jade who lay still, his arm under his head.
Fabian met her eyes then looked away, “W-ould ya b-elieve m-me if I t-old ya the tr-uth?”
Marian shrugged, “I know a liar when I see one.” Jade bit his lip as she pressed him into his gun, “You are only scared.”
Fabian looked up from staring at his boots, his tail curled over them and he said: “W-hat ab-out J-Jade…”
Marian relaxed, her eyes grew larger and sparkled, Jade had never understood that face, but it made him feel too hot. “Go on… if Jade interrupts you, I will stun him again.”
Fabian gulped, trembling, “I a-m J-ade’s b-rother.” He hugged himself so hard his arms shook, “M-Marian p-please… y-ou kn-ow me.”
Jade’s bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. He bounded to his feet, and shot wildly at Fabian, screaming, “Stop lying to me!” His missed shot ricocheted and Jade fired at everyone around him.
As Jade made a bolt for the outside, his foot just passed the threshold before a weight smacked into him and he tumbled in the snow, his arms forced at his sides before coming to a stop as he was held against someone’s chest. Jade looked up into Fabian’s stolid face before writhing and screaming to be let go.
Fabian forced Jade’s head against his chest, he shouted, “Jade! Sta! Ya ‘ill ‘e alright!”
Jade worked his arm free, “Don’t take me for a fool!” and shot at the glass front of Fabian’s helmet. Fabian immediately loosed his grip and clutched his throat as Jade sprang and dashed into the fogged distance, his heart throbbing inside his hollow chest.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
The next thing Jade knew, he was squatting beside the frozen peaks, his breath coming in trembling gasps. The blizzard had passed, and everything was buried except the anti-freeze ocean. He hit the side of his helmet and the glass changed to clear, the stars in the periwinkle sky glared at him. He tried to rub his face before forgetting he was in his helmet. He raked in another gasp of air, How long have I been running? Where am I? No idea. But he may as well stop now, he was an easy target wherever he went.
Jade looked down at the blaster he clutched as the anger began to leave his mind. His hand shook as he fingered some frozen splatters of blue blood on the gun, it could not have been Fabian, as in his brother, that he had killed. It was a monster who had been trying to influence his emotions. But the image of the boy, his small frame half-dissolved… Jade shook his head, clamping his jaw on his sore lip. But still, though he had thought it impossible, it could be true. The monster did have Fabian’s eyes, and Jade and his drunken mother had never seen Fabian’s body after the attack. Jade swallowed a lump in his throat, saying, “It wasn’t him.”
Footsteps crunched behind him as the wind began to pick up.
Jade turned to see Marian, her face was in that melty expression again and she stepped nearer. Jade stood up and pointed his gun at her. Marian gave no reaction other than to aim her blaster back at him. The end of Jade’s quivered, and he clutched it with both hands. “Go away – or… a-and I won’t kill you yet.”
Marian shook her head, her eyes locked with Jade’s, “Fabian is in critical condition.”
Jade’s growled, “Leave me or do you really find me that attractive?”
Marian’s lips tightened. “I have my duties.” Then her jaw squared, “and you yours.”
Jade shook his head more quickly than desired, “No.”
Marian nodded, “Yes. Your father…”
Jade looked away, “Shut up.”
“No. He asked you to take care of…”
He tightened his grip on the blaster, “I know…” he growled, “no need to talk about it.”
Marian put her hand on his shoulder: “Your little brother is dying.”
Jade grumbled through his clenched teeth. “You’re lying so I’ll go with you.” He shrugged off her hand as his gun lowered.
She crossed her arms: “Do I lie? Your father’s dying wish must not go disobeyed. There are laws… curses… and…” she looked down, “I… would rather you not break more than you can help.”
Jade bared his teeth in a smile, “You still like me… that’s why you’re here.”
Marian glared icicles at him, “No, I pity the fool who’d kill his own blood and get a curse on his head.”
Jade swore, his shouted profanity ringing through the frozen peaks and out across the hard skin of the moon. Chest heaving, he snapped the only response he could think of: “You’re lying. My brother died six months ago!”
Marian squared her stance, “I am trying to say things nicely.” Her eyes hardened like two laser beams, “What do you want me to say? If you come with me, you may at least be able to apologize for once in your life? You have broken the one promise you wished to keep? That the one person I know you really loved and cared for is shot by your hand? That if your father were still alive, he would disown you for what you’ve done? That if your mother knew through her drunken haze, she’d try to kill you, or use her precious drinking-money to buy a curse of the gods?”
Jade shot, even as his eyes – the eyes that his mother had named him for – streamed tears he had refused to shed. Marian grasped her hip and staggered back. Her purple blood froze over the wound and trickled out her mouth, “You regret this…” she garbled and sank to her knees.
Jade’s stomach plummeted as she flopped onto her back. He ran and knelt over her – her eyes were squeezed shut and her breath hissed through her teeth. As he touched her arm she opened her eyes and glared at him between winces.
“Drop your weapon!” a high-pitched voice drove into Jade’s ears and he looked up. The girl who had been crying and a few other women with her.
Jade gulped as he stared at the red-rimmed eyes of the small figure before him. he opened his mouth then closed it. He let his gun fall from his hands and land in the snow, he scooped up Marian. She gave a weak gasp and her slender body shivered in his arms. He tried to speak again and eventually he managed to force out in his tuneless natural accent: “I can carry her better than you all. She’ll be alright if she’s patched up.”
The weepy girl was staring at Marian. She looked up at Jade, “You make one bad move, and I shoot.”
Jade gulped, finding his eyes trained on Marian’s struggling face. Her eyes forced themselves open and her lips slowly forced out the words: “He’s…”
Jade hissed, “Sh.” Even as tears trickled more earnestly down his cheeks.
[I put these last 2 parts together because they are small]
<p style=”text-align: center;”>***</p>
As he carried Marian to the medical bay, he saw him. Fabian lay on the floor with a couple girls sitting around him cleaning up the boy’s blood while he was still connected to the equipment that must’ve failed to sustain him. Jade willed himself to remain calm as he passed, his grip tightened on Marian and she whimpered.As he laid Marian on a gurney, she touched his hand, her thoughts shooting like electricity up his arm, Fabian is…
Before Jade could hear the rest, he was dragged away and into a cell – a tight room he couldn’t lay flat in. He peered through the fogged face of the force-field door into the hallway. He removed his helmet and sat against the back wall looking at the blurred outline of Fabian as the women were trying to move him onto a gurney. Jade swallowed hard and rested his forehead on his knees – allowing the constant pain in his face to erupt as his mouth pulled and his eyes squeezed shut.
He didn’t know people had fused Fabian’s brain and eyes with a monster, but it made sense. His brother had had a phenomenal mind and a gift for learning. But why, of all the souls in this sick galaxy, was it Fabian? But it seemed the gods had given him a second chance, and he had ruined it. Jade sagged, perhaps it was inevitable… just as inevitable as what would happen next.
The gods would send him to die in a blackhole, in the arena – or worse. They would give him no mercy for messing with Marian all those years ago… and for breaking his father’s last wish. Jade trembled, unwittingly sinking to the floor. The vision of his maimed brother flooded his mind, the flesh devoured by the acid, no blood, but stench, boils, and exposed bones. The wide electric blue eyes and the mouth open in a suffocated scream of pain.
Jade clenched his head and pulled his hair, a low string of curses issued from his mouth as he tried to drown out the feelings he didn’t want to feel, the world in which he didn’t want to live, the death he did not want to die, and what he had done. Jade looked up at the ceiling and smiled bitterly, he could not escape. He was a caged monster that was to be killed. Nothing more.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>The End</p>
Thanks for reading!We crazy people are the normal ones.
I’ll take a look tomorrow and let you know!! 👋
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 I’ll read over it sometime today… 🙂
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 Fantastic job! I only caught, like, a couple things…
- This sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense (I think you need to switch the hyphens around): “And the difficulty and discomfort was good to keep his mind off things – the cagey scientists that had asked him to go after an experiment on a thrid gone awry and ran away with a phial of a rare chemical they wanted him to steal back – would be happy to pay him a little extra than was needed to cover the cost of their medical attention… if he could bring back the body of the beast.”
- In your list of what Jade needs to do, you did 3 twice.
- You misspelled situation at one point.
- Otherwise, I think I like the original ending better…but that’s just me.
Anyway… I really like your characters (including Jade), and I would definitely read a sequel!
Thank you so much!
In what ways did you like the original ending better? I want to keep Fabian alive, and I am trying to foreshadow he’s not dead (I may keep him dead, I don’t know, what do you think?), and I don’t know if I’m getting it across.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 My pleasure!
So, the whole ending of this one is fine. I merely liked the last sentence of the original better–you know, how it was so abrupt when Jade just thought that he was the monster?
As for Fabian, keep things how they are in this new version. And I would definitely keep him alive.
@gracie-j
Thanks so much for the tips!
I did like how the original last sentence sounded, but I didn’t feel like it was something Jade would say or think, I mean, he is, at the end of this, in worse grief and now paired with remorse. It’s strange, I am finding out he’s immoral but also moral, and it’s an odd mix.
We crazy people are the normal ones.
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@scoutfinch180 Gotcha! Naw, I know how that feels. Most of my characters are walking that fine line between good and evil, and it’s hard for me to balance it sometimes!
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