Review my (old) story's prologue

[valtmy]

So instead of working on my WIP like I should, I was browsing through my old writing files today and found one of my abandoned fantasy stories from way back. I still like some parts of it so I’m thinking of using them for future projects. Thus I have decided to share this prologue to see what you guys think.

This prologue takes place generations before the main story which was meant to have a mystery element to it so not everything in the prologue will be understandable. Also be warned: this is one of my darker story settings. There aren’t really a lot of graphic descriptions but there are mentions of some disturbing events so if you are troubled by that, I would advise you not to read this.

Here it is:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RPX7HA3UOkZD53L2Iow6n045t58yUrq8hLey3zT4npk/edit?usp=sharing

[Joy]

@valtmy  Sure! Mind putting it in record/suggest/comment mode for us? 🙂

You can pronounce it however you want.

[introvert_girl]

@valtmy The opening grabs my attention. I felt a good sense of the characters until you introduce Lu Mo and Pan Kun. Then it became harder to remember everyone’s names. I think giving Lu Mo a distinct characteristic that the reader can latch onto would help that. You did this well with Muchen, I thought. I got a visual of him almost immediately. 🙂
It’s wasn’t clear to me whether the dragons are responsible for the storm/cloud or were simply hiding in it? Though I really liked the complication of not being able to tell the dragons apart.
I found the story intriguing so far. And it’s not quite like anything I’ve read before, haha. (Like, in a good way.) 😉

And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

[valtmy]

@dekreel

Sure. Here you go:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RPX7HA3UOkZD53L2Iow6n045t58yUrq8hLey3zT4npk/edit?usp=sharing

Since this story is abandoned, I won’t need a very specific and detailed edit or review. Just some general comments to improve my writing is all I’m looking for. 🙂

@introvert_girl

Yeah, I was going for a quick pace and since this is only a prologue, I didn’t want to dwell too much on these minor characters. I felt that the whole flashback and backstory bit was already weighing it down. But I suppose slipping in a little more details, maybe two or three more sentences for each character to distinguish them more would be good.

About the whole dragons thing… There wasn’t a storm at all (hence the “bright blue skies”). It’s just that their battle made it sound like there was a storm and they couldn’t be seen at first because they were hidden in the clouds. I was trying to show not tell and in the end I guess it just became unclear…

Haha. You might be able to tell that descriptive writing is really not my strong suit at all. I don’t even enjoy reading descriptions the first time I read a story (I can only appreciate it on the second or third reading) so writing them is very difficult for me.

Thanks for your comments!

Now if only I can stop procrastinating and actually work on my WIP… 😉

[introvert_girl]

@valtmy I find reading description simply tedious, and I know this reflects in my own writing. I definitely know what you mean!! (Visual mediums just spoil us, don’t they?)
Often rough drafts for me look a lot like lines of dialogue and action beats, and then later I have to go in and add the setting’s details. But it’s really helped me to remind myself that those details do serve a purpose in grounding the reader, which makes the fun parts (characters and action) easier to grasp. If you have any advice about overcoming this weakness, I’d love to hear it. (I need all the help I can get, lol)
And about the storm: I understood there wasn’t a storm in the general sense, and that the dragons battling sounded like one. I think the part that was unclear is that they were obscured by the clouds. (Though it’s possible that was just me being me, ha.) I just wasn’t sure if the dragons somehow created the cloud they were in. I think with a bit of rewording it would read just fine, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. 🙂

And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

[valtmy]

@introvert_girl

 

Hmm… What I can think of that might help you get yourself more into writing descriptions is to describe things in your POV character’s voice (unless you’re writing in omniscient) so that it shows character as well.

Avoid boring and cliche descriptions and make those sentences just as snappy and quotable as your dialogue. Use the five senses and give your POV character some emotional reaction to what is being described (e.g. feeling nauseous upon entering a smelly room, spine stiffening when seeing a building they hate).

Some of the best descriptions I’ve read are dynamic so it seems like the place/object/person you’re describing has a history and a story to tell as well (e.g. The box had gotten crushed during the delivery and whoever tried to peel off the label obviously stopped when they realised that the painted logo was also being removed).

[introvert_girl]

@valtmy Yes, those are all very helpful! I especially like “make those sentences as snappy and quotable as dialogue”. I’d never quite thought of it that way before. Thanks! 🙂

And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

[Author]

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