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Hey everyone!! So…this is the prologue I’ve got for my first draft. It has been edited over already, but wanted to post it on here because I wanted to get your feedback, and….well…I’m an affirmation seeker, and while recently I’ve been proud of my writing (which is great) I’ve still got those parts of me that want it to be awesome so could use some encouragement…..
Ok. Welp. Here it goes!!!
Corvina
My destiny comes at me from all sides. It falls from above like the rain pouring from the charcoal streaked sky. The streaks, like veins pulsing, move across the sun, blocking it from view. The beating of my heart feels as if its reverberating through the heavens, leaping with every roll of thunder. The cold touch of raindrops on my skin are like needles piercing my soul. The weight of the sinister clouds force my head to lower, but the view isn’t much better.
Mist rises from cracks in the stony earth, shrouding me in an eery fog. The earth beneath me shifts, and my spirit plummets, as if my body is falling. The knots in my stomach tighten only to realize the ground hasn’t given way. Relief floods me, only to be followed by bitter disappointment.
I’m surrounded by death. The wind wailing through the gnarled, withered trees reminds me of this. The few leaves they have are blackened and with one burst of wind, are stripped away. They crumble, like my small sense of calm, never to return again. Their branches reach out, as if the trees wish to cry for help, but the wind steals their voice.
If I were dead, like the trees, I wouldn’t be here. To say the idea isn’t appealing would be a lie. In truth, to die seems better than to live. Yet, I stand here, alive, but not living. All because of destiny.
That wretched word. It’s trapped me in a cage and silenced my song. With broken wings, I can do nothing but cry and wait for my master to free me. If he ever will.
All because of that one word. How I loathe it. With all that is within me, I despise it. But I can’t change it.
I don’t have the power to. I am nothing. I am worthless.
Inhaling deeply, I accept my fate and release a cry into the air. A call to my Master. The one whom I never wish to see, but must. The wind carries my voice away as the ground begins to quake. My heart lodges in my throat as the shaking ceases and a foreboding silence encompasses me. A gale of wind rushes past, taking my breath. My feet wish to run, but I don’t allow them to. No matter how much I desire to leave, I must stay.
On the wind I hear a sound, like the hissing of a snake. Glancing around, I see nothing and no one. However, what that sound precedes fills me with terror. Never will I forget the day I first laid eyes on him. My Master. No matter how much I wish to rid myself of the memory, it’s emblazoned on my mind. In the blink of an eye, my dreams, my joy, my entire being was snuffed out. Like a sickeningly sweet monster, he haunts me.
I calm myself, awaiting the soft whispers I know will soon bombard me. Darkness suddenly engulfs me, it seems to roll around me and even through me. It causes my head to ache. All is black, there is no light, not even a glimmer. Just suffocating black darkness.
“At lassst…you’ve called me.” Chills run down my spine as the menacing yet delicate whisper finally penetrates my being. “You are ready.”
“Yes, Master.” I wince at my own voice. Rough and cold, it’s unfamiliar. Like a stranger that speaks for me, with no care as to how I feel.
“Thingsss have been…put in place. Sssoon…the Handmaiden will begin…her journey.” That revelation sends a tremor through me and I drop my head to let my ebony hair fall over my shoulders, hiding my horrified face. In place? So soon? “The time…hasss come. You mussst go now.”
“Yes, Master.” Once again I’m startled. As if my voice answers without my consent. I’m a puppet. Invisible strings seem to hold me up, forcing me to move and speak against my will. Anger rises within in me at the thought, and, for a second, I consider fighting, but the spark is quickly drowned out by fear as an icy wind slams into me, throwing me to the ground. My nails dig into the earth, desperately wishing it would provide me with a way of escape. I pull my knees close, awaiting the swift punishment I’m sure will come.
The voice rages, like a provoked beast. “Ssstill you ssstruggle against me?”
“No!” I cry, detesting the break in my voice. Without warning, I’m back on my feet, as if pulled up by unseen hands. The voice softens, but I find no comfort in that.
“You WILL dessstroy the Handmaiden.”
“Yes.” I whimper as my body shakes. I feel the rage rise in him once again, as if he disapproves of my timid answer.
“KILL HER!” An unearthly screech blasts through my head.
“Yes, Master! I will!”
“Ssshe mussst NEVER achieve…her destiny! YOU mussst not…let her win!” The voice spews hatred and, once again, the desire to flee nearly overwhelms me. “Already…ssshe isss under my torment. Ssshe will be…easy to get rid of.”
“I will make you proud.” I bow my head in mock submission, hoping the defiance on my face can’t be seen. I stand with bated breath as the darkness that had been swirling in and around me lifts and moves to form the shadowy figure of a man, allowing me to see the gray sky above. I let out a small sigh, thankful that my slight rebellion went unnoticed.
The figure’s blood red eyes penetrate me as it lifts a shady hand and with a crooked finger points. “Go.”
Feeling a release within me, as if the strings have been cut, I turn on my heels and fight the urge to run, forcing myself to walk slowly instead. My head is held high, but the tears streaming down my cheeks are evidence of the struggle inside.
I know the figure still stands behind me, but I don’t dare look back. Shadows and whispers clamor for my attention, reminding me of who I am.
Who I will forever be.
Corvina, servant of the Destroyer.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebThis is very interesting.
I like how Corvina isn’t just a faceless servant of evil and is easy to feel pity for. I do find myself wondering if we will always have scenes this deep in Corvina’s head because of this opening scene. How much focus is on Corvina? Is she this prevalent over the rest of the story?
I like how you appear to be setting her up as a foil to your Protagonist and what your Protagonist may become is foreshadowed in this desperate Corvina.
I am looking forward to seeing how the rest of the story goes!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Thank you so much! So in this first one she’s not quite as prevalent, but I needed this prologue to really begin the story and so when u do finally see her or realize who she is you’ll already know and be connected to her. As the series progresses she’s going to get more and more scenes, but in this first one she not quite as prevalent.
But yes, this character really has stolen my heart in the way that I can really feel for her and she seems to come off the page (or screen). I hope to be able to do that with all of my characters.
The reason I chose her for the prologue is because my MC’s Inciting incident isn’t super….action heavy or anything so I wanted something that would definitely hook the readers in and keep them reading. From here, the viewpoint shifts to my MC and her best friend. I’ll probably give Corvina another scene before I reach the beginning of the middle but not sure.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebYou’re welcome!😊
It is SO exciting to run into characters that really live to you! I have several of my own I feel that way about and i do hope to make all of them pop out too.
Maybe Corvina and your MC encounter each other and your MC has to get away? Does Corvina influence any events that happen to the MC?
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@scoutfinch180 Yes she does and while they do meet, my MC still doesn’t truly know who she is. I don’t think I’m gonna have them really meet face to face until book 3. They’ll meet, but only for seconds at a time or in Corvina’s other form (she’s a shapeshifter)
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@godlyfantasy12 Wow! This is fantastic! I really love the tone that it sets! I do hope you’ll share more later on. If you’d like more feedback, you can submit it (or another excerpt) for critique here on KP, where the moderators will critique it for you! (They’re super helpful, by the way. I submitted a chapter back in October and I really love the feedback Erin gave!)
Again, awesome!
@gracie-j Yea I just didn’t care for what I read of their publish rules or whatever and would prefer just posting on here.
If y’all have any critiques that’d be great lol
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebThis is great! The first sentence is amazing! 😃 Wonderful job!
If you wanted to, it might be interesting to make Corvina more stoic on the outside, but conflicted only on the inside. As a servant of the Destroyer, I would personally want to try to keep my feelings to myself, lol!! 😂
Thanks for sharing!! I hope you post more of your work on here. I can tell you’re a very talented writer. 😉
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000@nova21 Yes I do kinda imagine her in that way. I need to definitely take a look at that more later probably, but I also think it’s hard for her to do so when actually speaking to The Destroyer.
But I definitely know where you’re coming from because that is how I’d like to depict her. She tries to remain very stoic on the outside, but when speaking to her master and inwardly she is very conflicted, to the point that she has breakdowns mentally. She’s a very trouble and broken villain, that’s definitely for sure.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebYeah, I get it. Characters like that are hard, but I love to read and write them!!
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000
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