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@leon-fleming @kathleenramm @erinramm @devastate-lasting @jenwriter17 @i’m-just-tagging-y’all-cuz-i-need-help-so-if-y’all-ain’t-got-any-please-tag-somebody-who-do
So, I’m considering submitting this poem to a lit magazine. Y’all tell me what you think!
What a sorry sight it was
The tears upon her face
Each salty stain a symbol
Of her fall from grace
Her cheeks were red and sullen
Her eyes were green as grass
Sodden with dew and trampled
The teardrops crystal glass
As I watched her trembling there
My heart it did constrict
But of course there was naught I could do
Not even a hug would do the trick
Such pain was irreversible
It ne’er would disappear
Not within a day or month
Not even in a year
And so I stared in silence
Oddly unabashed
Quizzing, wond’ring
As many seconds passed
Slowly lifted up her head
To meet my solemn gaze
She sniffled once, twice again
Blinked to her clear her haze
Without a thought, it all was gone
Each remnant of her past
Each hurt, each curse,
Each and every last
Where had the tear stains gone? I wondered
What had happened to her pain?
Would it be that if I sought
The teardrops would remain?
If I tore the layers back
Would I find them deep inside
In a crevice long untouched
Where haunting demons hide?
Would anything have changed, indeed?
True, this was my thought
That all her smiling and all her trying
Would have been for naught
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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Sorry about the formatting. Also, if anyone has any suggestions for a title (or suggestions at all), please, please, please share. I understand if this poem is not very good (I’m not a poet. at all. period.), so please be honest. Thank y’all so much!!!
@gracie-j It’s been literal years since I last wrote poetry. I like this a lot! Though might I add a few suggestions?
-Line 4 could use another syllable
– “Slowly lifted up her head” I feel like you could add a ‘she’ before this
And other than that, nothing much. Good job!
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days@gracie-j I don’t know much about poem writing, but I really liked it! 😀
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@devastate-lasting Great suggestions–thank you!
@jenwriter17 I’m glad you liked it! Thanks!@gracie-j
I would love to give suggestions/critiques however, I’m an absolute beginner when it comes to poetry. Though I’m sure @leon-fleming will have some advice to give.
But I can say from a consumer perspective, I really enjoyed it! I love the message it has, both it’s meaning and that it wasn’t too in-your-face. It’s a poem that you can come to understand, but it may take a couple reads. And I really like that. Each time I read it, I like it more. It would be pretty awesome to have one of your poems published here on KP. 😉 😉
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@kathleenramm Aw–thank you! I’m a beginner too, so… (And I’m kind of wait for Sir Fleming to say something…we all know he’s the expert here..) Maybe I can cook a little something up for y’all!
@gracie-j
Haha, yes, we did hire him for a reason.XD Oooh, it would be great if you could cook something up! The Kingdom of Pen could always use some fresh poetry.
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@kathleenramm Oh, wait–there was a reason? I thought you were just doing it as a favor. Hmm.
If patience you could have
I promise you will see
A poem that will surprise you
Exponentially
Yeah…that was, that was just terrible.
@gracie-j Fear not, I am here.
Alright: So I would reword the first four lines. Maybe something like this:
“What a sorry sight it was 7
The tears upon her face 6
Each salty stain a symbol of 8
Her rapid fall from grace” 6I only suggest something like this because the third line seemed off somehow, even though there were 7 syllables in that line. It just didn’t seem to fit.
ALSO: This is just a suggestion which I’m just putting out there as a possibility. You could split the poem into stanzas. This would be for the purpose of smoothing out your meter (which is choppy in some places). And after all the editing is done, if you wanted, you could edit out those stanza breaks.
Lines eleven, twelve, thirteen, and fourteen are a diversion off from the main flow of the poem’s syllabic composition. Both eleven and twelve consist of nine syllables, thirteen is eight, and fourteen is six. This makes for a bit of a choppy section.
Line twenty-four: “Blinked to her clear her haze”. I would change this up; mayhap delete the first her and add something else to conclude the passage of the syllabic consistency.
Lines 15-28 need either a revising in the meter, or a separation from the rest of the poem as a different piece of the whole.
Lines 29-32 have a 9876 meter (not sure if you meant that) followed by the last eight lines which refer back to the 7676 meter.
Overall: I would suggest going back over the poem and deciding whether you want a specific line/syllable pattern for it, and if so, maybe think about splitting it into stanzas. This would distinguish the meter nicely and would make it stand out as more of a poem meant to be spoken as a lay (not sure if you want that or not; it doesn’t matter really for the poem. It would work the other way just as well). If you don’t, then I would suggest smoothing it out a bit, maybe changing up the lines to make it more even and to smoothen out the flow of the piece.
There’s also the question of punctuation. For example, after line four, I would add either a colon or a period. You could even put a semi-colon, though that might be stretching (I do that all the time XD).
A general trimming over of the poem in regards its punctuation would hurt; generally, poems aren’t too harsh when it comes to punctuation. Indeed, they’re actually quite casual.
Now for the content and titling of the poem: I love the content. It’s great. Lines 5-8 are particularly well done. I liked the metaphor you used there. Very well done, and I must congratulate you. The formatting really is only a trivial thing and makes everything polished (which is still necessary), but you nailed the content wonderfully. This is not to put down the poetic style. Poetic style (including word choice, etc.) really sets up the poem. You could have a great idea/theme/etc. and ruin the whole thing with a terrible poetic style. But I don’t think you have too much of a problem with that. If you keep writing poetry, eventually you’ll find your style. That’s not to say that that will be a good style (XD), but it’ll be a style nonetheless. The key is time: through time and work and lots of tiring thoughts and poems, you might get a style. You’re welcome for being dark and gloomy about it. (XD)
As for title suggestions: This one person sees a minute portal into the bitter and pulsing emotions of another character before it is closed up. I would call it something like Sorrow Past Transpired, or Sadness Lost ‘Neath Stone, or Hidden Sorrow, or Hidden in Stone, or Behind a Face of Stone, or Veiled in Stone. Or something with veil(ed), hidden, sorrow, or stone. Or something like that.
Hope this helps!
You could even draw it out a bit, and focus on each point with particular acuteness. But, of course, this is just a suggestion. I have a lot of those.
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@leon-fleming Whoa! I’ll be honest (I mean, I hope I wouldn’t lie), I really only understood half of what you said.
But…you made some great suggestions and I will definitely implement them. (Uh…the ones I understood, that is. 😉) And thank you for your dark and gloominess. I greatly appreciate it. (I like gloominess. It’s, like, my favorite color and my theme song and my superpower. I guess that makes me Pessimist Girl!)
(And I really don’t think y’all need to know that…)
I will definitely keep working on it and developing a style–thank you for the encouragement. Also, great title suggestions. I quite like the last one. Merci!
You know what, I think there was a reason that they hired you–I mean, aside from heightening your poor self-esteem. You and I both know how wounded you were after you found out that Death and his son Funeral and his daughter Grave didn’t want to be friends with you anymore.
(We really need a new joke. The dying thing is way too old.)
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@leon-fleming BTW, I’d already divided it into stanzas; it just didn’t show up like that after I’d copied and pasted it.
@Gracie-j Oh, well, I (XD), that’s too bad, I’d guess. Well, at least you got something!
Well, I glad somebody appreciated the gloominess. Gloominess can be good at times and terrible at times. Wow. That’s a real deep statement there, I know. Though, personally, it’s not my favourite colour.
Nice! And you’re welcome. (And thanks, I’m glad you liked them. Glad to be of help.) Je vous en prie!
Well, I’m glad they did; though there isn’t much coming in nowadays. (XD) Yes, well, I’m sure those three won’t miss me too much. Death is part of The Curse and thus because of Death we have funerals and graves with them. We, as Christians, have been made alive in Christ, transformed from our previously dead state (Ephesians 2:1) with the imputed righteousness of Christ within us now. After all, as Philippians 1:21 says: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” When we live on this earth as Christians, we are being sanctified, transformed and moulded through trials, persecutions, and sufferings to be conformed to Christ’s image. (Which means that through trials, hardships, we are brought closer to Christ, so thus trials are great. God disciplines us through things like these, which changes us. We should rejoice when trials and tribulations come upon us because for one, it gives us assurance of our faith; and for two, we are made more like Christ through obedience to Him which is our purpose. Along with this, we are seen by the world as different [for we are not of this world] through our obedience to Him, and they are repelled by the light, thus causing suffering and trials to come upon us. Which moulds us further to Christ. Then, when we die, our union with Christ is complete and our sanctification is done, and we’ll go up to Heaven in glory.
(Yeah, it’s getting a little weird, huh?)
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@leon-fleming Gee–I hadn’t expect a sermon from that. I mean, not that I don’t appreciate it. There’s a time when gloominess is…too gloomy and we need a reminder of God’s sovereignty and our divine purpose on this earth–to become more like Jesus as we make disciples of all nations. All of the trials and tribulations you mentioned are all a part of bringing glory to God–whether that be through the miracles He brings about in our lives or the way we weather the storm and rest in the knowledge that He is with us through it all, whether we make it out or not. The bittersweet display of His awesome power and His love in our lives is a parallel of the works Jesus performed throughout His ministry and later on the cross. That’s the promise we cling to–that no matter what we go through, God will be glorified and no matter how or when get there, we will, as Christians, spend eternity in Heaven with Him.
See? I can preach too! 😊
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