Poem Critique!

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  • #100770
    GodlyFantasy12
    @godlyfantasy12
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 6645

      @writerlexi1216 @gracie-j @seekjustice @joy-caroline@devastate-lasting @jodi-maile @godlyfantasy12 @scripter-of-kingdoms @nova21 @lydia-s @elfwing @godlyfantasy12@iluvhim18 @abigail-m @sparksaraabbott11 @daisy-torres@joelle-stone @mkfairygirl @issawriter7

       

      Hey everyone! So, I am entering the TWN Contest, and im going to be submitting my poem titled Evil Queen!

      But first I’d like to get it critiqued by y’all! I’ve had it edited by my mom and want one final go before submitting it.

      (Note: There are some Tenses that would be considered wrong towards the end, but I have kept them as they are because I feel they make the poem flow better and poetry is different from other forms of writing.)

       

      So here it goes!

       

      Evil Queen

      Once upon a time long past

      I stood before my looking glass

      Ebony hair and dark brown eyes

      My reflection was no surprise.

      But shocked I was

      As most would be

      Because my mirror

      spoke to me.

      Crying loud

      Voice unchained

      The mirror shouted out my name,

      And then began to spout with glee;

      “Evil queen! Evil queen!”

      I protested, peering in

      Evil, I am not, my friend

      Though the mirror simply laughed

      Much to my chagrin.

      Days did pass with not a peep

      Until one night while I did sleep

      The mirror woke me with a fright

      Bellowing into the night.

      “Evil queen! Evil queen!”

      Ignore it I did

      But it wouldn’t leave

      Until my mind began to be

      Consumed with thoughts of wicked deeds.

      Slowly, slowly

      as the months went on

      I felt my spirit start to yawn

      Growing tired of being me

      “Evil queen! Evil queen!”

       

      Bitter words

      Now I speak

      Ridding myself of

      Foolish things.

      Family and friends the like

      I’ve no time for them tonight

      Im much too busy

      Don’t you see?

      “Evil queen! Evil queen!”

      All alone

      No one in sight

      I long for love

      To be held tight.

      My own fault

      I know it’s true

      I became strong but also cruel

      Wanting only myself to rule.

      “Evil queen! Evil queen”

      Years gone by

      But the mirror remains

      Whispering that horrid phrase

      The slicing words have taken toll

      Threatening to kill my soul.

      Destroy the mirror

      Some would say

      But I couldn’t

      Not today.

      Perhaps tomorrow

      I always say

      But every time tomorrow came

      I never did put it away.

      Once upon a time long past

      I stood before my looking glass

      And now I cannot find a way

      To free me from my dreadful fate.

      Heed my words

      Listen well

      Because if you don’t

      You will fail.

      Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts

      Or tantalizing grievous plots

      Quiet the voice or pay the price

      For you don’t want to be like me;

      Don’t become the Evil Queen.

       

       

      #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
      #ProtectMarcel
      #ProtectSeb

      #100771
      GodlyFantasy12
      @godlyfantasy12
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 6645

        For some reason KP didn’t space out the paragraphs and such like I had them

         

        #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
        #ProtectMarcel
        #ProtectSeb

        #100775
        Abigail.M.
        @abigail-m
          • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
          • Total Posts: 1242

          @godlyfantasy12

          That’s alright, KP sometimes takes the line breakers out of posts and the paragraphs get joined, (it’s happened to me several times, but I’m not sure what causes it).

          Number one, -I consider this the most important part of my thoughts on this- I loved your poem! Especially where the narrator refuses to put the mirror away and because of that, she becomes a true Evil Queen.
          Number two, in poetry grammar (unless you’re trying for a modern media style) there should be a comma after each line that doesn’t already have a punctuation mark. The exception is if two separated lines are tightly adjoined as one thought, such as:

          And they
          saw them

          Since the ‘thought’ or line I should say, is so tight that you don’t need a comma. But in this example:

          And they saw them,
          There on the wall,
          Etc

          They require commas because the line can be broken for thought and rhythm.
          So that’s just something to consider.

          Number three (yeah, I’m probably going to write this post by numbers), I also liked the phrases such as “voice unchained” and “I felt my spirit start to yawn.” They are unique and poetic and hint at the theme, which makes them fantastic:D They show your poetic style and I think that it is fabulous.
          Number four, the flow of the whole poem was excellent, though the ending felt slightly rushed (don’t worry about it because I do this 95% of the time with my own poetry), perhaps extend it with a few lines such as “break the mirror before it can speak again” or “don’t listen to the words it tries to speak, it’s lies are worse than winter bleak,” or something like that to make it a little longer. Also maybe reconsider the line “or tantalizing grievous plots” since nothing about grievous plots was mentioned beforehand.

          The line “Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts” was extremely good I thought since the whole poem built up a lot on the theme of ‘not giving in’
          I think the way you kept your tenses were good actually and the whole poem had such a deep, mysterious aesthetic. I truly enjoyed it and wish you the greatest of writerly wishes with it! 😀

          #100776
          Anonymous
            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
            • Total Posts: 1789

            @godlyfantasy12

            1. KP did the same thing to me… 🙁
            2. You’re missing an apostrophe here: “Im much too busy” (line 39, I think)
            3. WHOA. THIS WAS AwEsOmE!!!! It flowed really well to me, not to mention it was super interesting and, yeah, I mean, I’m not a poetry expert, so from a reader’s perspective, I LOVED it! (And my money’s on TWN loving it too!!!!!)
            #100778
            GodlyFantasy12
            @godlyfantasy12
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 6645

              @gracie-j @abigail-m Oh man thank y’all so much! I honestly DO NOT write poetry! I wrote this in the car in like 30 mins and was like “OH MY WORD this is actually pretty good!” Lol!! Ahhh i’m so happy and thanks for the advice!!  I’m super excited to branch out and actually have it turn out well! I’ve wanted to write poetry before but never really understood everything but I just went with what came out and was flowing and it seemed to work.

              #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
              #ProtectMarcel
              #ProtectSeb

              #100779
              GodlyFantasy12
              @godlyfantasy12
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 6645

                @abigail-m What about this?

                 

                 

                Heed my words,

                Listen well,

                Because if you don’t,

                You will fail.

                Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts,

                Or voices that would steal your heart,

                Cold and dark you’re soul will be,

                If you don’t listen to the words I speak,

                Quiet the voice or pay the price

                For you don’t want to be like me;

                Don’t become the Evil Queen.

                #IfMarcelDiesIRiot
                #ProtectMarcel
                #ProtectSeb

                #100781
                Abigail.M.
                @abigail-m
                  • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                  • Total Posts: 1242

                  @godlyfantasy12

                  Of course! I’m glad I was able to help. You honestly don’t write poetry? I thought that that was excellent 😀 It was so much fun to read and interesting and yes, I just loved it!

                  YES!! That is amazing! It’s better on the length and it fades the poem out more naturally, I think that’s perfect:)

                  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Abigail.M..
                  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Abigail.M..
                  #100791
                  Alexa Autorski
                  @writerlexi1216
                    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                    • Total Posts: 1011

                    @godlyfantasy12

                    You did an ASTOUNDING job with this poem, girl! Every line flowed so smoothly, the rhythm was very well-written, the parallels at the end were just, *chef’s kiss* brilliant, and overall I think you did a fantastic job! I have to say that the ending is my favorite part, and the shift in tenses wasn’t problematic at all. Great job! (Sorry I don’t have many critiques–other than the apostrophe that Grace mentioned, I thought it was flawless!)

                    #100795
                    Jodi Maile
                    @jodi-maile
                      • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                      • Total Posts: 138

                      @godlyfantasy12 Wow! I loved this poem, you did such a great job with it. I was also surprised to hear that you don’t write poetry–this is really good!

                      Now, this is coming from an amateur in poetry, so disregard my comments if they don’t apply:

                      I noticed that there is no exclamation point in the second “Evil queen! Evil queen!” section here (I think in line 49):

                      I became strong but also cruel
                      Wanting only myself to rule.
                      “Evil queen! Evil queen”

                      Since you’ve been using exclamation points in the previous “evil queen” sections, it might be good to add one here.

                      In the new section you added, I noticed that there may be an apostrophe error in the word “you’re”:

                      Or voices that would steal your heart,

                      Cold and dark you’re soul will be,

                      If you don’t listen to the words I speak,

                      Since “you’re” is a contraction for “you are”, I believe the proper spelling here would be “your”.

                      That’s all I have for you! This poem is really great and I wish you the best with it. 🙂

                      #100799
                      Anonymous
                        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                        • Total Posts: 1789

                        @godlyfantasy12 You’re so very welcome, girl!!! You did such a fabulous job to not write poetry!! (Neither do I, at least, not often, but you did way better than me!!)

                        #101201
                        Elfwing
                        @elfwing
                          • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                          • Total Posts: 486

                          @godlyfantasy12

                          uhhh wow!!! I love it! so good

                          sorry I’m late on commenting.

                          I really like it! The flow is fitting, in my opinion; like, how I imagine the queen from how you describe is; lost, suspicious, somewhat regretful, bitter, and mind wandering in the past, so her thoughts are short, blunt, to the point, and not too many details added because she doesn’t care anymore about life. she’s lost in darkness of her past. idk, maybe I totally have missed the mark XD

                          Honestly, I think it’s very good

                          well done!

                          I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title

                          #101270
                          Sara Ann {Spark}
                          @sparksaraabbott11
                            • Rank: Wise Jester
                            • Total Posts: 66

                            love it. <3

                            music is the strongest form of magic.
                            -Marilyn Manson

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