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@writerlexi1216 @gracie-j @seekjustice @joy-caroline@devastate-lasting @jodi-maile @godlyfantasy12 @scripter-of-kingdoms @nova21 @lydia-s @elfwing @godlyfantasy12@iluvhim18 @abigail-m @sparksaraabbott11 @daisy-torres@joelle-stone @mkfairygirl @issawriter7
Hey everyone! So, I am entering the TWN Contest, and im going to be submitting my poem titled Evil Queen!
But first I’d like to get it critiqued by y’all! I’ve had it edited by my mom and want one final go before submitting it.
(Note: There are some Tenses that would be considered wrong towards the end, but I have kept them as they are because I feel they make the poem flow better and poetry is different from other forms of writing.)
So here it goes!
Evil Queen
Once upon a time long past
I stood before my looking glass
Ebony hair and dark brown eyes
My reflection was no surprise.
But shocked I was
As most would be
Because my mirror
spoke to me.
Crying loud
Voice unchained
The mirror shouted out my name,
And then began to spout with glee;
“Evil queen! Evil queen!”
I protested, peering in
Evil, I am not, my friend
Though the mirror simply laughed
Much to my chagrin.
Days did pass with not a peep
Until one night while I did sleep
The mirror woke me with a fright
Bellowing into the night.
“Evil queen! Evil queen!”
Ignore it I did
But it wouldn’t leave
Until my mind began to be
Consumed with thoughts of wicked deeds.
Slowly, slowly
as the months went on
I felt my spirit start to yawn
Growing tired of being me
“Evil queen! Evil queen!”
Bitter words
Now I speak
Ridding myself of
Foolish things.
Family and friends the like
I’ve no time for them tonight
Im much too busy
Don’t you see?
“Evil queen! Evil queen!”
All alone
No one in sight
I long for love
To be held tight.
My own fault
I know it’s true
I became strong but also cruel
Wanting only myself to rule.
“Evil queen! Evil queen”
Years gone by
But the mirror remains
Whispering that horrid phrase
The slicing words have taken toll
Threatening to kill my soul.
Destroy the mirror
Some would say
But I couldn’t
Not today.
Perhaps tomorrow
I always say
But every time tomorrow came
I never did put it away.
Once upon a time long past
I stood before my looking glass
And now I cannot find a way
To free me from my dreadful fate.
Heed my words
Listen well
Because if you don’t
You will fail.
Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts
Or tantalizing grievous plots
Quiet the voice or pay the price
For you don’t want to be like me;
Don’t become the Evil Queen.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebFor some reason KP didn’t space out the paragraphs and such like I had them
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebThat’s alright, KP sometimes takes the line breakers out of posts and the paragraphs get joined, (it’s happened to me several times, but I’m not sure what causes it).
Number one, -I consider this the most important part of my thoughts on this- I loved your poem! Especially where the narrator refuses to put the mirror away and because of that, she becomes a true Evil Queen.
Number two, in poetry grammar (unless you’re trying for a modern media style) there should be a comma after each line that doesn’t already have a punctuation mark. The exception is if two separated lines are tightly adjoined as one thought, such as:And they
saw themSince the ‘thought’ or line I should say, is so tight that you don’t need a comma. But in this example:
And they saw them,
There on the wall,
EtcThey require commas because the line can be broken for thought and rhythm.
So that’s just something to consider.Number three (yeah, I’m probably going to write this post by numbers), I also liked the phrases such as “voice unchained” and “I felt my spirit start to yawn.” They are unique and poetic and hint at the theme, which makes them fantastic:D They show your poetic style and I think that it is fabulous.
Number four, the flow of the whole poem was excellent, though the ending felt slightly rushed (don’t worry about it because I do this 95% of the time with my own poetry), perhaps extend it with a few lines such as “break the mirror before it can speak again” or “don’t listen to the words it tries to speak, it’s lies are worse than winter bleak,” or something like that to make it a little longer. Also maybe reconsider the line “or tantalizing grievous plots” since nothing about grievous plots was mentioned beforehand.The line “Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts” was extremely good I thought since the whole poem built up a lot on the theme of ‘not giving in’
I think the way you kept your tenses were good actually and the whole poem had such a deep, mysterious aesthetic. I truly enjoyed it and wish you the greatest of writerly wishes with it! 😀- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
- KP did the same thing to me… 🙁
- You’re missing an apostrophe here: “Im much too busy” (line 39, I think)
- WHOA. THIS WAS AwEsOmE!!!! It flowed really well to me, not to mention it was super interesting and, yeah, I mean, I’m not a poetry expert, so from a reader’s perspective, I LOVED it! (And my money’s on TWN loving it too!!!!!)
@gracie-j @abigail-m Oh man thank y’all so much! I honestly DO NOT write poetry! I wrote this in the car in like 30 mins and was like “OH MY WORD this is actually pretty good!” Lol!! Ahhh i’m so happy and thanks for the advice!! I’m super excited to branch out and actually have it turn out well! I’ve wanted to write poetry before but never really understood everything but I just went with what came out and was flowing and it seemed to work.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb@abigail-m What about this?
Heed my words,
Listen well,
Because if you don’t,
You will fail.
Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts,
Or voices that would steal your heart,
Cold and dark you’re soul will be,
If you don’t listen to the words I speak,
Quiet the voice or pay the price
For you don’t want to be like me;
Don’t become the Evil Queen.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebOf course! I’m glad I was able to help. You honestly don’t write poetry? I thought that that was excellent 😀 It was so much fun to read and interesting and yes, I just loved it!
YES!! That is amazing! It’s better on the length and it fades the poem out more naturally, I think that’s perfect:)
You did an ASTOUNDING job with this poem, girl! Every line flowed so smoothly, the rhythm was very well-written, the parallels at the end were just, *chef’s kiss* brilliant, and overall I think you did a fantastic job! I have to say that the ending is my favorite part, and the shift in tenses wasn’t problematic at all. Great job! (Sorry I don’t have many critiques–other than the apostrophe that Grace mentioned, I thought it was flawless!)
@godlyfantasy12 Wow! I loved this poem, you did such a great job with it. I was also surprised to hear that you don’t write poetry–this is really good!
Now, this is coming from an amateur in poetry, so disregard my comments if they don’t apply:
I noticed that there is no exclamation point in the second “Evil queen! Evil queen!” section here (I think in line 49):
I became strong but also cruel
Wanting only myself to rule.
“Evil queen! Evil queen”Since you’ve been using exclamation points in the previous “evil queen” sections, it might be good to add one here.
In the new section you added, I noticed that there may be an apostrophe error in the word “you’re”:
Or voices that would steal your heart,
Cold and dark you’re soul will be,
If you don’t listen to the words I speak,
Since “you’re” is a contraction for “you are”, I believe the proper spelling here would be “your”.
That’s all I have for you! This poem is really great and I wish you the best with it. 🙂
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@godlyfantasy12 You’re so very welcome, girl!!! You did such a fabulous job to not write poetry!! (Neither do I, at least, not often, but you did way better than me!!)
uhhh wow!!! I love it! so good
sorry I’m late on commenting.
I really like it! The flow is fitting, in my opinion; like, how I imagine the queen from how you describe is; lost, suspicious, somewhat regretful, bitter, and mind wandering in the past, so her thoughts are short, blunt, to the point, and not too many details added because she doesn’t care anymore about life. she’s lost in darkness of her past. idk, maybe I totally have missed the mark XD
Honestly, I think it’s very good
well done!
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
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