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SOOO I know im making a lot of posts but OH WELL XD
Anyway I’m gonna try out this cool writing tip I learned about writing ur pitch and a LONG synopsis of ur entire book before drafting and then editing that FIRST before ever drafting, but that being said I need ppl to help with the pitch! The point of it is, you go back and edit the pitch a few times, receiving more feedback and then write a long synopsis about the whole book and ask questions about that, editing it a few times each round before ever drafting! Its supposed to make drafting easier, and the finished draft a bit more polished!
So here’s what I need for the pitch,
This is specifically ALL that I am asking for.
I’d like you to give me 3 things that you liked about my pitch.
And 3 questions you have about the pitch (any confusion, the biggest question that popped into your head, etc) THANKS!!
*This is for Project DM btw (;
When Ara and November find themselves trapped in a circus world, they become entangled in a web of deceit and death strikes. Now, with a murderer on the loose, the two must unravel the secrets of the circus’ past, or risk becoming the next victims.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebI love your pitch!!
Things I like:
1. The whole concept of a “circus world” is fascinating (and getting trapped in one sounds like quite the predictiment ;P), so using that as a hook/attention-grabber worked well 🙂
2. It makes me as a reader want to “pick up the book” ’cause I’m concerned for Ara and November (like whatttt?? They’re in a crazy place with a crazy murderer???? That sounds crazy dangerous!!!!!).
3. I love the element of “the clock is ticking!!!“. If they don’t solve the mystery fast, they will be the next victims. Makes the reader feel like they better read the story to make sure that they solve it!! 😉
Questions:
1. Who are Ara and November, and where are they from (this world vs not-this-world)?
2. Just as a grammatical confusion, the phrase “they become entangled in a web of lies and death strikes” sounds like, essainally, “they become entangled in a web of lies and they get entangled in death strikes”. I think it’s supposed to be a compound sentence, so maybe add a comma like this: “they become entangled in a web of lies, and death strikes” or rephrase it however you like 😉
(Sorry, that might have be confusing, I can clarify if need be ;))
3. How are Ara and November related to each other? Sisters? Friends? Random strangers?
Great job, and best of luck on your story!! 😊
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
@devastate-lasting @gracie-j @scripter-of-kingdoms @abigail-m @keilah-h @elishavet-pidyon @jodi-maile @annabelle @daisy-torres @koshka @trahia-the-minstrel @libby @lydia-s @e-k-seaver @issawriter7 @mkfairygirl @seekerofthetruth @kathleenramm @jenwriter17 @nanisnook @elfwing @seekjustice @sparrowhawke @maryg3 @relia @writerlexi1216 @nova21 @hallie-jean @faith-q @ariel-f @anyone-else
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb1. I love mystery and unraveling secrets… ugh, so good.
2. And then when you add deceit in there, it becomes a winner. Anything suspenseful like that is the best.
3. And then when you have a clock ticking and they have to solve said mystery soon… *shivers with delicious anticipation*
But…
1. Circus world as in a planet that is completely a circus? The genre is rather vague, as well as what the ‘circus world’ is. (Although getting trapped in it, whatever it is, is pretty cool…)
2. Your entire pitch is rather vague. I need more detail!
3. Who are Ara and November, and how did they become trapped in said world? Although you don’t have to reveal everything, just a little more information would be nice and serve to draw me in more.
Ooo! Pitches! I love these things.
- You wielded your words with accuracy, letting each strike with full implications. This definitely makes me curious about the story itself.
- The whole thing is imaginative and makes the reader ask some intriguing questions: who died? What is a circus world? What is going to happen? Why are they at risk? A murderer ON THE LOOSE?(Eeek!) How did they get trapped? And so on. This gets said reader involved.
- Fun imagery! I love imagery. It’s a weakness of mine. 😉
And now the questions!
- I will echo an earlier question: how are Aria and November related? I know they are close friends, but the reader doesn’t.
- Similar to that first question; who are they? Like, I don’t need a whole backstory, but if their identities (or what they think are their identities) are important in the story, I might like to glimpse them.
- Why are they wanting to solve this mystery? I mean, yes it needs solved, but why them? Does it have anything to do with their being trapped?
And sorry to ask a fourth, and this is probably a silly question, but what are death strikes? I don’t read much suspense, so the image that comes to my historian mind is a very ugly Gilded Age factory strike. Yeah. XD
You don’t have to answer that one, it’s not exactly related to the pitch in the way you asked.
…and good job! It sounds great.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
. Reason: My wordage is in need of help
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by . Reason: More to say of course
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
@madelyn @faith-q @elishavet-pidyon these are so great thank you!! I’m going to do the first rewrite pitch maybe tomorrow and post it here to do this again (hopefully y’all don’t mind me doing this a couple times. Y’all don’t have to share ur questions and stuff 😂 they may not change)
also some questions I will answer myself and not thru the pitch because they cannot really be answered thru the pitch (such as who Ara and November are because Project DM is actually the second book in a series, so I’m writing the pitch based on a “you’ve read the first one, these are our heroes” sorta thing plus it’s sorta hard to explain who they are in a pitch without it feeling weird. But I totally understand the confusion and about how they relate to each other and if November is a boy or a girl (he’s a boy!! And I love him 😍)
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebAlso if anyone else I tagged or if y’all wanna tag anyone who would like to comment on my LATER revision plz do so! But if u wouldn’t mind, plz wait to comment until my next updated pitch is out
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb@elishavet-pidyon @Madelyn @faith-
After saving their own kingdom, Ara, and her friend, November find themselves unable to return home. Their only hope to ever be reunited with their families is to defeat the Dark One who threatens them. But where to start?
Traveling a world they’ve never known, the two find themselves trapped in Cirque; a city of mystery, neon lights and a peculiar sort of people. The only semblance of of hope is their newfound friend, Jocelyn. But when tragedy strikes and Jocelyn is caught in the middle of a murder plot, the two set out to help her.
Discovering Cirque is not at all what Jocelyn has been told, the three-along with Jocelyn’s furry sidekick-begin to unravel long kept secrets. But will they unravel them in time? Or will one of them end up being the clown?
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebThere’s the new one!! SO! Same thing, 3 things ya like and 3 questions u have!!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebI guess its turned more into a blurb but whatever
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebHey-o!
Ooh, gotcha, November is a cool name for a guy!
Things I like:
1. The description of the circus world (“mystery, neon lights, and a peculiar sort of people”). It gives just enough info to set the mood and peak the reader’s curiosity, but still maintains an air of mystery!
2. How it picks up right after the first story, instead of the typical “save the world, go home, have a bit of downtime, and then, ope, looks like we got pulled into another adventure!”. It feels more realistic that after the big victory, things don’t go straight to “happily-ever-after” quite so quickly.
3. The fact that their friend (their only friend, no less) is mixed up in this dangerous business adds another element of “oh no!” and hits closer to home.
Questions:
1. I’m not sure what “discovering Cirque is not at all what Jocelyn has been told” means exactly. Also, with the dash thingy in “…three-along with Jocelyn’s furry sidekick-begin…”, usually you do a long dash so it doesn’t look like you’re hyphenating a word (like “long-expected” or “double-sided”). Something like…”…three–along with Jocelyn’s furry sidekick–begin…”.
If you’re using an Apple computer, you can make a long dash by pressing Option+hyphen (-). There’s probably a way to do it on different computers too. Haven’t used a Windows computer in a while XD. Lemme look it up… on a Windows computer, it says to hold Alt and press 0151 (that’s a little over-complcated! XD).
2. How do they travel to this different world? On accident? On purpose? (if so, why exactly?) By magic? Is it like another dimension, planet, or just another land?
3. The last sentence, “Or will one of them end up being the clown?” confused me for a second. At first, I thought it meant that the murderer was a clown, and it was possible that one of them was secretly the murderer (plot twist! XD). Then I thought that there was something going on where they were turning people into clowns (scary!). It took me a moment before I realized you meant one of them might end up being the “clown” as in getting fooled. Maybe that was just me though XD And, as a side note, since the term “circus world” isn’t included in this version, the mention of a clown isn’t as self-explanatory (unless you can see by the cover or title that it has to do with a circus ;P).
Whew, that was a little long ;). Sorry for all that rambling!! Your story sounds super interesting! 😀
And, yeah, I totally don’t mind doing this a couple more times!! 😀
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
Hmmm, fascinating! I love the extra information provided, especially since I’m a person who reads the back of covers just for the fun of it. (It might be a bit long, but that’s okay.)
Only three?! Eeekers! I’ll try. XD
- First off, this one does seem to better connect to another as a sequel. This feels more like another “chapter” of a longer take.
- Mentioning specific names/characters. In Jocelyn’s case it helps us understand how dire things could go, and as for mentioning the Dark One at the beginning as you did, it clearly identifies an overarching problem. Both of these hint that the stakes are rising. I like it! (Especially the “their only hope” part, which makes it clear that things are moving toward a climax.)
- The idea that the difficulties surrounding them are not of recent origin builds the intrigue(for me at least). This isn’t something that only just came up, but rather, like most true issues, has it’s roots in layers of misconduct. What are they going to dig up?
….and for the questions….
Which I can’t think of right now; I suspect they went for a walk and will return in time for dinner. I’ll get back with you when they…um, get back too.
Anyway,
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
This sounds cool!
Okay so the three things I really liked about this are #1 the whole circus/murder mystery #2 the fact we’ll be getting into the past of a circus #3 they have high stakes at risk.
The three questions I have would be #1 why are Ara and November, in particular, being targeted #2 what are they doing in the circus world #3 will the circus ultimately be their enemy or friend? Or something entirely what they didn’t expect?
Okay, that end bit sounded kinda dramatic. But anyways, from everything I’ve heard about it around here, DM sounds like an awesome story 😀
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